This is how it happens. This is how Skynet takes over!

I need a degree in Computer Engineering to use a treadmill....and no I am not an anti-tech person.  But I haven't had a Gym membership in over a year.  I just signed up again and I don't understand how to use the new equipment.  Its WAY more techy than the $hit I am used to. 

It can't be that hard...right?!?  Wrong!  I feel like a super goob trying to use the f**king treadmill!  Its a TREADMILL for doGs sake!!!  So we have a touchscreen thingy to control it but we also have buttons by the handles.  There is a TV on it above the touch screen that you can control...with a remote...or maybe with the touch screen.  There are 5 wires sticking out of it that kind of remind me of the charging wires for my phone so I am thinking you can connect it.  But it also says Bluetooth.  Whatever shall I do!?!?!? In order to get a "lesson" from a trainer I have to schedule an appointment BEFORE 5PM...I get off at 4:30...FML!!!

I just want to run on a f**king treadmill and track my calories/miles/speed.  While listening to music via Pandora via the "FREE" WiFi.  Is that too much to f**king ask for?!?!?  And by Free WiFi I mean WiFi that works.  Not WiFi that kind of works, then cuts out, then cuts back...then disappears, then comes back again.  There were literally 5 people in the ENTIRE GYM including me and the employees.  Why was it being such an @$$hole?!?!?

Side note - my resting temp on average is 97.2 degrees.  When I am in A/C (like in a gym) my hands feel like bony icicles of death, even when I am working out!  It is like all the blood drains from my extremities or something.  This means that touch screens are NOT my friends!!! STG I have to put my hands in my armpits to warm them up enough for the f**king touch screen to realize I am in fact alive.  Which looks like I am doing some weird running impression of Mary Katherine Gallagher ...and no I do not smell them after. 

Moving on.  It took me 15 minutes to figure out how to program a workout.  I didn't connect my phone because I wasn't sure.  I pressed start...it went immediately to 7mph.  I am 5'1"...my little legs don't really go that fast!

Then it told me I had done 1 minute (only a minute?!?!? that felt like a f**king eternity!) and had 2,497 minutes left in my workout...

That would be running for 41.6 HOURS.  Do I look like Forest Gump!?!?!  I think I did something wrong...whatever I did 45 minutes and pressed the cool down BUTTON.  I tried to find a "how to use a lifefitness treadmill" tutorial online but I got nothing.  So I will go back to the gym tonight and attempt to figure this f**ker out again. 

Maybe I should stick to the classes...

 

And here I was thinking how impressive my quads are...not so impressive NOW!

Excuse me ma'am, I think you dropped...something...wait...where is that...string attached...

 

So I read the stupid article.  Actually the article isn't stupid but the f**king webpage is so loaded with so much CRAP that it sucks to view it.  It crashed Firefox TWICE!   

What kind of crazy kegel exercises is she doing?!?!

"She can also shoot things out of there. Anami thinks shooting pin pong balls from your vagina is 'every woman’s god given right'."  I swear I saw this in a movie once...and no it wasn't porn.  Was it her?!?!?

I just...count me impressed... "The process of lifting involves inserting a jade egg inside her vagina. She then ties the objects she wishes to lift and wraps the other end around the jade egg."

 

Maybe I need to rethink my exercise routines...of course if I started "lifting" random objects with my hoohah, I think my husband may get a tad concerned/scared.   Doing that is like the equivalent of a meat head flexing his muscles and crushing concrete or something.  Its an non-verbalized warning...f**k with me & I'll break "you".  

Can't...contain...the....Smart@$$...response...*gah*

You know I am patient...to a point...then something happens and I become the most sarcastic thing known to these parts. 

You ever just hear something that is SOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO out there that you can't help but be an @$$ when responding?!? I do...often...and I have to attempt to contain my sarcasm...it rarely works. 

If I sent you this picture, with a note that said "can you tell when my puppy woke me up?"...it is pretty self explanatory...right?!!?

  

So how would you respond if someone said "I don't know what I am looking at...is that an arrow?"

I...what?!?!  It says "Sleep"...I added a note that should tell you its some sort of sleep chart...there is an OBVIOUS spike at 5AM.

So I responded "Yes, 'It's a shot in the dark aimed right at my throat'".  (I was just listening to that song) Apparently that was an @$$hole answer because I got called all kinds of mean things via text. 

What made it worse (or better) was said person also responded with "is that something on your phone?" I said sort of. It's a fitness tracker, that is the app it connects to.   Which got the response "I don't know what that is...." So I said that brightly colored thing I always wear...then I took a pic of it and sent it.  The response was "Oh, look at your wedding ring!!! :)" 

Okay A.D.D. there is a VERY bright watch looking thing that is the focal point of the pic and the topic of the previous conversation.  So I said "Right...I didn't tell you I had a fitness chip put in my wedding band?  Its the latest rage." Again...NOT the right thing to say...more colorful insults...well they were meant as insults all they did was make me laugh harder. 

I swear I am a nice person...usually...