I'm a Hufflepuff...grrrr

What the f**k is a Hufflepuff?!?! 

Grrrrrrr

Is it a badger...?  OMG it is a Badger!  Maybe a Honey Badger!!! I've seen the thing a million times but never really thought about it.

I know what BEING a Hufflepuff means...I think.  Anyways.  

I was looking for EO blends and I saw this...

Look cloooooooser

All I can hear is Hermonie....

Come on, you can't tell me that doesn't sound like something from Hogwarts...a Spell or Potion or SOMETHING.  

TGIF....my brain hurts...I'm out.  

"Hufflepuff is the most inclusive among the four houses; valuing hard work, dedication, patience, loyalty, and fair play rather than a particular aptitude in its members."  Sounds about right.  

It's not a f**king storage cubbie!

LINK

Stop putting weird $hit in your vajayjay!!!!

Things you can put in your lady parts:
- fingers
- penises
- fake penises
- feminine hygiene products
- Lubes/Creams made for it
- Other toys MADE to put in there

Things you should NOT put in your hoohah:
- Syringes (WTF MAN?!?!)
- Money (Ewwwww, have you seen that special about how germy money is?!?!)
- Pills (that $hit can be ABSORBED into your...look its just a bad idea and makes me think of instant DEATH)
- Weird herbals suggested by that wacko celebrity
- Honestly if you have to think "hmmmm, should I put this in there"; you probably SHOULD NOT!

But seriously drugs are BAD.  Don't drink and drive...don't get high and drive...don't drive impaired...just STOOOOOOOOP!  

Also, I remember a few years ago a friend of mine who works in the ER admitted someone with a...wait for it...SUNGLASSES CASE stuck in the peesh.  Not like a tiny travel case.  Like those MONSTER things you see at Sunglass Hut for designer glasses....STOP PUTTING WEIRD $HIT IN YOUR HUMP HOLE!

In my next edition of I read that wrong...

Maybe I need glasses...

LINK

I can't be the only one that read it like that?!?!  I am that "micro-generation" and I totally can believe we would be now called "Sammiches & Psych Meds".  I also laughed hysterically when I realized my error. 

I've already heard a while ago that we are now being called Xennials.  And I agree with it.  We are this weird hybrid of the two generations.  We had childhoods with minimal tech but as we were emerging into adulthood tech blossomed and we were there to embrace it.  I've been told being born in the very early 80's I am a Millennial but I don't relate to that completely.  I also don't relate to being a Gen-Xer.  So this makes 100% total sense. 

I kinda like being part of this small faction of people.  We remember a simpler time, no instant gratification but we also can embrace change (upgrades).  I do love the analogy, "We are the bridge from analog to digital", because its so true.  We really are made of something a little different and I am okay with that. 

So its a bunch of guys running around free-ballin'...?

This is my email.  THAT is an invite to a race.  I read that as "FRESHJUNK Racing" and saw it was for the "Turkey Trot".  And all I could picture was a bunch of guys running around with their junk out because...well I mean if you think about it...its a Turkey race....

And that "Snood" looks suspiciously like some angry...*ahem* never mind.

Also, looking at pics of turkey necks has me giggling like an IDIOT...obvi none of these pics are mine

Its...its Emo ..."I mean, like don't pretend to KNOW me,
also my name is Urie...respect"

Ahhh yes, the elder nutsack

Sir...sir....your Snood appears inflamed, I recommend antibiotics

I can't...it's like something out of  the Dark Crystal

Why so sad...cold shower...?

You makin' fun of me, Riz?

"Your washer might kill you"...Oh and "hey gurl, hey"

Yea I was one of those unfortunates that got that notification.  The washer...not the...nevermind.  I mean it didn't literally say that BUT if you denied the "mandatory" recall you were then liable if the washer lid flew off and killed someone...

Anyways, I did the "right" thing and scheduled a tech even though my washer wasn't doing the psycho crazy vibration thing because reasons.  BIGGEST MISTAKE EVER!  The tech came out and did the recall repair and get this...GET F**KING THIS!  After the stupid "fix" my washer started showing the symptoms of the recall...WTF over?!?!

Yea that's right AFTER they "fixed" it, it started error-ing out, shaking violently, basically just being an @$$hole. So I called the help line.   I wanted to murder someone after that call.  They essentially said "oh well".

So, I sure did BLAST them on Twitter.  I went into full attack mode.  And guess what...guess f**king WHAT?!? I suddenly got all the help in the world.

Flash forward, they wanted to send ANOTHER tech out but we were moving and they said just call us when  you are all settled.  So I called as instructed.  I AGAIN felt stabby.  I was told that I broke it during the move.  I went ape$hit, got a manager, and the manager said...can  you "prove" you reported it before you moved it because there is no record of you EVER calling in before today.  Can I just thank every deity out there for f**king Twitter?!?!  So I said yes I can.  I started rattling off dates and conversations.  That b**ch had NO RESPONSE.  So they said I would get a call from customer whatever person.  FOUR days later nada.  So I went back to Twitter.  I didn't publicly blast them this time but I messaged them.

Again, twitter to the rescue.  Within 24 hours the social media manager deemed my washer a lost cause and offered me a refund.  Yes please!

Moving on, we bought another washer and it was finally delivered today *yay*.

The delivery guy was awesome.  He was super nice and professional.  And I am 100% oblivious!  At the end of the interaction:

Him: so this number here, is this yours?
Me: Yep
Him: If they contact this number you'll give us a *shy smile*...on a scale 1-5...?
Me: Five for sure!
Him great!
Me: *friendly smile*
Him: So can you receive texts at that number?
Me: *thinking its a text survey* yep!
Him: Great!  *big dopey smile* So what's this other number?
Me: Oh that's my husband
Him: Oh *smile falls* so I shouldn't text you later to ask you to dinner?
Me: *crap* Oh...um no...no that wouldn't be good
Him: Oh Ok, right...do I still get a five...?
Me: Yes, of course

JFC!  He was hitting on me and I had NO IDEA.  I mean I didn't have my rings on and I was distracted (working) but is my game that off that I am that oblivious?!?!?

Also, 3 hours later I was eating alone at a quick service place.  I smiled at at police officer...I am always smiling people!  This is not anything new!!!  He walked over to me and sat down *$hit*.  He then cockily smiles at me and says (STG) 

Officer: Do you eat here often
Me: *what?!?!?*  Ummmmm no....
Officer: *leans forward* You should
Me: *puts left hand on table* I ...no....
Officer: *sees my rings* Oh...sorry.  Just thought you should know, you are very pretty *winks* have a great night.

OMG, y'all I looked like @$$ today.  I had on yoga pants and a t-shirt...no makeup...hair in pigtails...not even REMOTELY trying!!!  All I can think is my new perfume oil has some jacked up pheromones in it that attracts EVERYONE!!!!

Calm down there, Hannibal

Went get lunch...almost became lunch....

Me: *standing in line being oblivious*
Guy: You smell delectable
Me: *trying to ignore the conversation behind me*
Guy: *tap tap* Seriously what is that scent, I could devour you
Me: *wtf* *turn around* Excuse me?
Guy: Sorry but whatever your wearing smells so incredibly tasty
Me: *blushing* Right...um its an oil perfume I just got as a sample...

Guy: *looking dazed* What scent is it?!

Me: Uhhhh I...don't....know...I remember something about pomegranates and marshmallows...
Guy: Since I can't eat you, guess I'm getting pomegranates and marshmallows for dinner

Me: *jaw drop* what?!

Guy: No...wait...no...sorry....
Me: Its...wow...ok....*hysterical laughter*
Guy: *beet red* Jesus...seriously...sorry!!! 

I ordered my food and went and hid in the corner until it was ready....

What just happened?!?!?  What is in my new perfume...?!?!?  Who says that?!?

I really don't think he was hitting on me intentionally.  I don't even think he realized what he was saying...maybe...was I being punk'd?!?!!?

SIDE NOTE - this was paraphrased but you get the gist and he truthfully was CREEPY about it!

Another 30 Years?!?

What?!?!  So Dirty Dancing and DuckTales made 30 this year...?  Conclusion: 1987 was the bomb diggity...

Soooo does that mean the new one is out...coming soon...it is weird for a 30+ y/o without kids to watch it?!? Because lets be honest...DuckTales was ah-mazing.  Also, adulting sucks...I need a break...

Ah, it came out on 8/12.  So in theory, if I was bored...I COULD go check it out.  What the F is Disney XD?!?  Jesus, I am old...

You're not supposed to agree with me!

That is basically a collection of dried...drying...spunk...o_O

What the actual f**k?!?!

LINK

Why...I...what....WHYYYYYYYYY?!?!

I always say to each his own but...I dunno...I...unsanitary!!!

It got worse...it got WORSE!!!!! "After collecting them from lovers, friends and even strangers, her condom collection has grown to an impressive size."

 Ew.....ewww.....ewwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwww!

"she developed a penchant for the smell of rubbers"

"1,921 rubbers, all of which line her bedroom walls like a museum."

"Her father has even asked his friends to donate their used condoms to the cause." 

WHAT?!?! "Used condom fetishism exists the world over." 

AHHHHHHH! "studies have shown that harmful bacteria can linger for a long time in a used condom" 

JFC " There’s a Guinness World Record for condom collecting. An Italian man named Amatore Bolzoni harbors the widest collection in the world. These specimens number in the 2,000’s and date back as far as the 19th century." 

I can't...I just...I need a drink and a shower....

That is a Graboid, Suckoid, Snakeoid...STUMPY!!!!

I've seen Tremors...everybody RUN!!!!

No wait...don't run...stay still...and get to high ground...

But seriously....WTF is that?!?  My friend sent me the twitter screen shot...said "LOL its a sand worm".

So I started Googling and found...

 of course IFLScience posted something.... LINK

Apparently more than likely "it's a fangtooth snake-eel, otherwise known as the "tusky" eel."  

F**king Harvey brought up some poor Alien from deep in the ocean....Can you imagine that swimming at you while you are swimming for your life...

"waiter, there is a hair in my soup"

"Ma'am, its attached to your finger nail"

LINK

No...just no...JUST NO!  I feel like I have to state I really don't care what your fashion style is but this seems incredibly unsanitary.  There is a reason humans don't have hairy fingers...well evolution but can you imagine what would live in finger fur?!?!?!

Seriously give it a think...I'll wait....

Were these the progression of your thoughts...because they were mine the more I thought about it...