It's the small achievements that mean the most......and are possibly the most entertaining....

Right, so I am pint sized for the most part.  I work out but I am by no means muscular just fit...ish.  Anyways living in the South means that whole "6 more weeks of winter" predicted by Phil is laughable.  Especially since it is currently 78 degrees most afternoons around here.  What that also means is our yards/gardens are hella confused.  "is it spring???" I should blossom and grow, then BAM "cold" front and everything dies.

Well our yard is looking a bit rough.  The grass isn't really growing but those weeds that pop up before spring are growing like...well weeds.  Hubs has been insanely busy so I decided when I got home the other day to Woman up and cut the f**king yard.  I've done it before but now our lawnmower is almost TWELVE years old...its been through a flood, it is a b**ch to start, and no longer has self propel.  Basically it's the grumpy old man of lawn machines.

To top that off it has also been sitting without being used since early November.  In essence it has lawnmower arthritis.  So I get ready to go do this deed, old tennis shoes - check, ear buds - check, phone in armband - check, goggles - check....alright its go time!

I pull out Mr. Grumpy, top off the tank, and prime the line.  Then I try to start it...  I almost pulled my shoulder out of socket, WTF?!?! 

The pull cord is barely moving therefore no spin therefore no start.  So I try to wake it up by gently pushing and pulling.  As I am doing this I am talking...not loud but still speaking out loud. 

Come on...
You got this baby...
Come on....move dammit!
Do I need some lube or something...?!?

When I think its nice and "warmed up", I pull with all my might *clank clank* "Dammit mother f......*grumble grumble*" calm down child *whoosa*. 

So I try again...and again....and AGAIN.  At this point I am not quite yelling but speaking very sternly at the lawnmower...mostly nonsense but "Come on you geriatric piece of $hit" was said at least twice.

I've realized I do not have enough upper body strength to start this thing.  So I use my smarts...I think.  I am on concrete.  I run forward with the mower to get momentum then yank back on the cord as hard as I can.

*vrooom * *sputter sputter* "Son of a whore!"   But that is more than I got before so this method is CLEARLY working better.  Sooooo I keep doing this running start, pull...thing:

*vrooooooooooooooooooooooooooom* *clank clank* "listen here f**k-o"
*vrm* *thunk* "ahhhhhhh no no no no"
*vrooooooooooom* *sputter sputter* "yes...yes...." 

*clank clank* "Doh! Why wont you start for me?!?!?!

*Vroooooom* *rat tat tat* "Yea buddy!" *clank* "God Dammit you mother f**king rat b**ch....ahhhhhhhhhhhhhh......"

Last time or I go inside.....
*Vrooooooooooooooooooooooooooom* before it can die I do it again rapid fire like 5 times...more out of frustration than logic.

It starts up "ahhhhahahhahhaa"  

*dancing around while holding the bar to keep it started* 

 "Oh yea that's right.  Whose my b**ch now? Yea!"

 *more crazy dancing*

About this time is when I realized not one but two of my neighbors are in their backyards on this gorgeous afternoon.  And one was in the yard with a 2 y/o...*crap*.  And while they cannot see me...I am 1000% certain they heard almost everything. 

Eh, f**k it...I started the lawn mower... 

Why does it always have to be snakes?!?!

Ha, I was channeling my inner Indiana Jones.  Let me clarify I am not frightened of snakes.  I actually am quite fascinated by them.  I wanted a pet snake soooooo bad when I was a kid but my mom thought I was nuts and said no.  Lately though I am teensy bit paranoid when in my yard.  I mean we had a near death (of an animal) because of a poisonous one that made its way into our yard a few months back. 

*Flash Back*
Dog very lethargic...looked like someone was murdered in my house.  There was watery blood EVERYWHERE! Me thinking dog is dying because he's old...took dog to vet and vet said "Um, I found two puncture wounds".  OMG!!! 
He is fine now.  But we never found a snake. 

Then about a week ago, I heard what sounded like a rattle coming from my psycho neighbors yard.  I freaked and pretty much threw one of my dogs away from the fence!  "Go inside!!!!! Why are you looking at me like that, shoo!" It could have been a bug but I wasn't taking any chances.  It scared me because it was late....and dark....and well you just never know.

*back to present*
Then...then...I found EVIDENCE!  You see I was in my yard picking up knocked over potted plants.  Something I always do after a crazy rainstorm.  As I picked up my poor beat up Gerber Daisy, I saw something stripped move, in the pot.  *scream* I let out a yell and dropped the plant.  "Run awaaaay, run awaaaaay!" Whatever it was SLITHERED under some leaves.  After I did the "what the f**k* was that" dance and dragged my dogs inside, "ahhhhh don't go over there!!!  OMG you dumbo, go inside!", I composed myself.  I was...not scared...more concerned.  So I tried to find it by poking the leaves with a stick.  I mean that's what we humans do, right?  "There's something that doesn't make sense. Let's go and poke it with a stick." Well I couldn't find the damn thing.  So I got my other half and we searched.  Him fussing me for not being more cautious.  Which I mean you never know what this thing is so I guess I should have been more careful.  Anyway, after moving stuff around we found it.  A little less than a foot long, baby snake.  Since we had a problem with something poisonous before it was a "ahhhhhh kill it, KILL IT" reaction instead of our normal, "oooooooo what is it" reaction.  The problem was we couldn't identify it.  I know king snakes and most garter snakes and milk snakes but this one was different so I wasn't sure and neither was he.  Maybe it WAS poisonous! 

So as an after thought I searched and searched online...it wasn't poisonous *oops* it was actually quite harmless.  "doh!" But we were in a we'd rather be safe than sorry mode.  We don't need another snake bite issue.  So I guess we will have to treat the yard again with the snake away stuff...

Kill it, Kill it with Fire!!!

So I am having all kinds of crazy around my home lately!  Last night I was outside with my dogs, it was just after the sun set.  And I heard a noise like a faint buzz saw or something of that nature.  It was a very odd noise but that's the only thing I could associate it with.  I was like what the heck is that?!  I figured a neighbor was doing some late night DIY project or something. 

Flash Forward to this morning...I was again outside with the dogs when I noticed a pile of dirt near one of my stepping stones.  I was still a bit bleary eyed so I was like "is that an ant pile? It doesn't look like an ant pile.  Is that a hole?!  Maybe I should get a closer look."  It looked something like the below.

This is not my picture but I couldn't find any info on the source, sorry.

So as I am bent over looking at this mound I see dirt start moving from the hole...WTH?!  Mind you my dog Convict came over to investigate as well.  As we stared, completely enthralled as to what this was (I was thinking small furry rodent), this is what emerged...

 

 

Photo: http://lepidopteradiary.blogspot.com/2010/04/more-on-mothing.html

 Imagine seeing THAT come out of the ground mere inches from me and my dog.  My thoughts "Ahhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhh, kill it with fire!!!!!" Convicts response, a huff and a whine.  It looks like some cross between a cricket, some kind of burrowing creature and the bug who cannot be named (ya know the ones I am absolutely terrified of).  I swear it looked right at me.  I picture my reaction being something like....

Meanwhile convict ran off, sacrificing me to the weird insect that just came out of the ground.  Since I didn't have any "Fire" readily available I grabbed the next best thing...a can of wasp spray.  I had it out because we are ALWAYS having issues with wasps.  If it kills wasps surely it will kill this nightmarish thing.  So I sprayed into the burrow...

Feeling very proud of myself for killing the pet of Satan, I did a happy dance...until I looked back at the hole and realized the THING was still alive, bouncing from left to right and was looking at me....*crap crap crap* so I ran inside and admitted defeat. 

I Googled what kind of bug it might be and discovered....its called a Mole Cricket...they are VERY common in the South...and they can wreak havoc on your lawn.  *sobbing* 

http://alltheragefaces.com/face/sad-crying

I just got my lawn back to pre-flood prettiness.  Apparently it is best to catch them early (I am hoping this is the only one but I doubt it).  They are most active in the late evening and early morning so that is when you should treat for them because they are near the surface and easier to kill AND they tend to do their "chirping" in their burrow...OMG the "buzz saw"...the "buzz saw" sound last night was the effing cricket!!! Something in my brain was trying to alert me to this new found foe.

So then I looked up how to kill them since clearly wasp spray does not work.  I saw the usual granular lawn treatment that includes Mole Cricket prevention. Ok cool, guess what I am buying later.  Something caught my eye in one of the results.   They have a natural predator *sweet!*.  Its a black wasp with a red bum that apparently can only be seen during the brightest hours of the day and can kill the mole cricket by laying a parasitic larvae in it that will feed on the host, eventually killing it BUT it doesn't kill the Mole Cricket babies which are very destructive. 

http://entnemdept.ufl.edu/creatures/beneficial/larra_wasps.htm

Wait..that wasp looked familiar...why does that look...Uh no...that strange looking wasp I killed yesterday...the reason the wasp spray was out...it was black with a colored body....CRAP!!!  I hope there are more...

Sometimes I hate nature :P