Ghostwriting at its finest

So I volunteer for a rescue.  I can't handle fostering and I'd be $hit at cleaning feeding...because I'd want to take them all home.  So I do the behind the scenes stuff....like laundry. 

It's a rescue....FULL of animals.  Unfortunately no matter what they do, it's going to attract nefarious creatures.  

I am generally cautious when I pick up the laundry...checking for said nefarious creatures. I saw nothing.  I don't bring the laundry into my house.  I leave it just outside and bring it in, in batches to clean.  It takes a couple days but it's worth it. 

Well day 2 recently I moved a pillowcase and saw...something.  My guardian angel was watching out for me because if I would have touched it...I may have died on the spot.  I saw....antenna.  They were twitching. 

I.FREAKED.OUT...in my head.  

So what does any normal person do?  They kick the bag over, screaming this is SPARTA, and slam the garage door...OBVIOUSLY!

So I put on tennis shoes and go out the front door to kill my new "guest".  So there I am pulling items out of the bag...flinging them into my driveway....nothing.  

"WHERE IS IT??!?!!?"

**Several hours later**

I went out to bring something to the trash can.  I saw movement out of the corner of my eye.  A bug who shall not be named runs out of the grass.  Its the size of a small bird.  I STG it made eye contact with me and took flight. 

Queue me screaming like a banshee and running for the door.  I lost a shoe along the way. 

Hubs got home later and looks for it...he can't find it.  As he is leaving to go back to work he calls my cell "it's out here...under my car.  I swear it made eye contact with me and came running AT ME!"

I go out with roach spray and spray a barrier around the cars. 

At some point I went out to ride my bike.  But before I do that I grab the last load to put in the wash.  That's when IT peeks out from under the bag. 

**SCREAMING**

It's like the size of my hand....what in creature of nightmares is happening.  

So all my neighbors heard was "Oh my god!  Go away!"  

"Seriously! I don't want to deal with you!"

"F**k now I have to kill you"

"$hit with what?!?!?"

It ran at me.....

"AHHHHHHHHHH"

I lost sight of it and never saw it again. 

So this is me typing from beyond the veil because my soul sure did leave my body.

I'm pretty sure they heard me on the moon

I had a moment.  A moment of utter fear and anxiety.  I was doing...LAUNDRY!

So here I am doing my usual Saturday clean routine.  I was moving my 2nd load of dark clothes to the dryer.  I picked up some athletic shorts (not mine) to toss into the dryer when the unthinkable happened.  A BUG WHO SHALL NOT BE NAMED fell at my feet....which happen to be bare. 

They make the most skin crawling splat noise when they are dead and have been through a super wash cycle. 

I swear to all the deities I screamed so f**king loud, I'm surprised my neighbors didn't call the cops.  It took a second or ten for my brain to reboot and try to figure out what happened.  How is there one of these disgusting creatures in my freaking laundry?!?!?!  We use home defense.  We almost never see them (thank god, I would die) and if we do they are half dead or full dead.  Which is around the point in my internal battle where I realized what had likely occurred.

You see we (both hubby and myself) have a bit of a fear of these...things.  See this post.  If we see a mostly live one a shoe gets hurled at it and we hazmat that sucker out of the house.  You think I am kidding, it involves rubber gloves, plastic bags, a squeegee (bc those little f**kers stick to brooms), and a dust pan.  We ain't playing! 

Anyways dead ones are treated similarly, minus the shoe hurling.  Except two...two decided to die in the overfill pan for our Hot Water Heater.  We've had this silent standoff where neither of us removed them.  I know I know, mature, right... but you can't see them unless you move the door while in the garage and we never do that. 

Moving on, when I was loading the washer some clothes missed the opening slightly and went over the side...closest to the H20 heater.  I caught them and threw them in...but the shorts may have barely touched the pan...I'm thinking those sticky *shudder* legs stuck to the pants and went for a ride.  So I brave a look in the pan...NEITHER are in there.  F**k f**k f**k!!!!  That means....the other....is either in the dryer or in the washer *sobbing*.

So I peek into the washer and die a little inside.  Its in there....amongst my clean clothes...also squeaky.....

.....clean I'm sure.  So now I'm legit crying because I just washed a load of clothes with these two GIANT disease carrying mother f**kers.

Hazmat mode initiated...it doesn't matter that they went through a wash cycle, are missing legs *screaming* and have been dead for a while.  My fear is in full force.  I just know it's going to fly at my face.  I mean it didn't but still!  So I remove both to a bag.  I shake out all the clothes looking for *shudder* legs.  I found some but not all so I am hoping they went down the drain. 

I know this is 100% our own fault...doesn't mean I have to like it.  I am currently rewashing the entire load on hot.  I know its not the best for the material but its the best for my sanity.  Otherwise the whole load is being trashed and that's not financially reasonable.  But let me tell you if I go to put on my running pants and I find a leg....I might die on the spot. 

Side Note - I am not kidding giant.  Come to Louisiana. These f**kers could carry away a small dog.  A "small" one is the length of my thumb.