Shut up! Just shut up, shut up, shut up, shuttity up-up-up!!!

I think you should listen to the Doctor, it could save your life...from angry me!

Remember that opinion thing...everyone is entitled to one but just because you have one doesn't mean you should voice it.  Yea I need this printed on a note card so I can slam it into people's faces when they have a stupid because I had more than one person (actually 4 to be exact) over the course of a week say something about "pet owners" and I almost lost my $hit.

Let me learn you something.  Just because you don't like animals OR certain kinds of animals doesn't mean they are "bad".  This isn't about "viscous breeds" either.  This is about all animals...mainly CATS!  Yes, cats are @$$holes.  No really, you correct them and they look at you like "biotch please".  But just because someone has cats doesn't mean A) they jump on the counter willy nilly 2) they are on said counter during food prep and C) or 3) all our food products contain cat fur!

Just because you have seen on TV that crazy people horde cats (and dogs) and live in filth or let their cats do whatever does NOT mean all animal owners are like this.  My cats are so scared to jump on the counter because they have been sprayed or had things thrown at them.  I am not dumb, when I am not there it is possible they get up on the counters but that just means I am more diligent about cleaning the counters. Its called a Clorox wipe and they get used frequently in my house. Seriously though, saying "I found out she had a cat and I immediately thought, 'oh God I am eating cat fur'" makes you sound like an idiot and it's rude.  Owning a pet does not mean filth! Do you know how hard it was for me to NOT respond to this.  Just smile and nod, smile and nod, don't be a bitch, whooosa, 1...2...3. 

I think my fav moment happened a few moments ago when someone was bitching about this exact thing for the fourth time in just a few days.  I was done.  The first I just ignored and shrugged and let it go.  This person though really pushed a button....so I waited till they were ooing and ahhhing about my baked goods, then I said "FYI, I should mention I have a cat...actually 2 but don't worry I only let them lick the spoon once while I was cooking".  This got me a horrified look and a lecture about allergies and how "that's not funny, I could die." Yea yea yea, well you haven't yet and I've been baking gifts for at least 8 years.  Therefore, I clearly keep a clean household, you haven't eaten a cat fur yet, so stop stereotyping cat owners!

My point is its effing Christmas, stop being a jerk! You know (everyone knows!) I am an avid animal lover so quit bad mouthing people who have pets because I am sitting right here @$$hole and no matter what you say I am taking it as being directed at me.  Ungrateful *grumble grumble grumble*, maybe I just wont bake gifts for you next year.  Only for people who seem to appreciate it :P

**UPDATE** I am very aware of how bad cat allergies can be, that is why I am so cautious.  I am not insensitive to allergies, much the opposite but I am fed up with people being jerks. 

I'm flattered but no thanks!

Whomever referred me to the National Association of Professional Women...why?!!?!?  While I am flattered that you think so highly of me it is not a free thing.  It is an expensive thing.  And while I do well in my profession, LIKE HELL am I going to pay $900+ annually.  Sorry.  Apparently there are lower "memberships" but you don't get all the perks.  But $700+, yea no.  How about $99 for 6 months or a year, what part of NO are you not getting?!?  Can I just say one thing...one thing...CHRISTMAS JUST HAPPENED!!!  I know some people have money to burn but hitting peeps up for hundreds of dollars at this time of year seems kind of jerk-ish.  Especially those who might be sensitive to the fact that they NEED to pay to meet people.  Ya know, alone during the holidays...sure I'll pay $900 for a membership so I can go to free seminars *face palm*.  Who knows, it could be beneficial for some but to me it sounds like a HUGE waste of money...

Well you know what, I am not that desperate for networking.  LinkedIn seems to be working just fine for me and I am not exactly shy.  Reserved yes but not shy.  So I am good...thanks.  At least I can get the "free" membership but I was told its not very good.  Eh, whatever. 

In other news why the hell is my facebook suggesting this page???

I am neither a parent nor a young girl getting her first period.  And am I reading that right....is that website called Helloflo?!!?  That my friend is kind of genius.  Also..."skip the party and go straight to the kit"...is that a thing now?  Do people throw "happy first period parties"?!?!  Cause I was not given that nor would I have wanted that when I was a young girl.  I would have died.  Who wants to celebrate womanhood.  It sucks.  Welcome to the party homey, you get to bleed once a month for at least the next 30 years.  After I screamed because I thought I was DYING, all I got was a sympathetic look from my mom, I was handed a giant maxi pad that reminded me of a diaper, and told "good luck". Side note, I knew it was coming but you try being a 13 year old waking up in a puddle of blood. 

But look at the girl...look at her!  She looks TERRIFIED.  I feel like this is one of those hostile situations where we should want to save the little one but must be cautious to not anger the soccer mom trying to "hold on to her youth" via the daughter.  Oh God, what if she's like a shapeshifter or alien or some other monster drawn to the young one because of her, um, cycle.  Someone call the Winchesters!!!

I think I need to stop watching TV....

In French, your name means: Exotic

You tend to stand out more than you fit in. You are one of a kind. You can never be constrained or boxed in. Simply, your nature is to be free and liberated. You've got amazing experiences and seriously intriguing stories, but most of all, you are classy in a your own kind of way. You make the world that much more interesting!

I am 99.9999999% certain my name means something totally different like "Gift from God" but okay. 

Although Exotic with its description is much more fitting than "Gift from God".  I am no gift, much less one from a deity. I'm more like that "free to good home" puppy that everyone thinks is adorable but no one really wants to take responsibility for.  Although I am less likely to pee on the carpet or eat your fav shoes.  I may steal you fav shoes, but I usually return them.  

In other news, the "You tend to stand out more than you fit in" and "classy in your own kind of way" are so fitting its scary.

Is that all I am now? Rude? Rude and not ginger?

Well the not ginger part doesn't keep me up at night but I am starting to think age is making me care less about being rude.  But only when it is necessary!!!

Do you know how many times I had to stop myself from loud capping someone at the grocery yesterday?!?!?  Not because they were rude or whatever.  It was because they were COUGHING and SNOTTING all over the place!!!  I do not consider myself a germ-a-phobe but my skin crawls when someone does that and does NOT cover their mouth/nose. 

I was looking at a case of fresh made sushi.  Like the sushi chef had just put it down. This man was hovering next to me and went *AHHHH CHOOO*. . . all over the containers.  I, thankfully, had mine in my hand already but I just stared, gaping at him.  Then he wiped his nose with the back of his hand and leaned over to rummage through the case.  I swear he touched every single thing in there.  I was horrified!  I was so stunned I didn't even say bless you, I wanted to be like "ya nasty" but decided to just walk away. 

Later in the frozen food area a woman open mouth coughed INTO the freezer case while she was looking for something.  Like a deep chest rattling cough.  OMG! Nah, I didn't want frozen veggies, thanks. 

By the time I got to the dairy section I was very close to pulling my shirt over my mouth and nose but I didn't.  Oh I wish I had. 

Me: Lalala, oooooo cheese!!!
Man: *clearing throat repeatedly*
Me: Scoots over some, still looking at cheese
Man: *ah, ah , ah heeeeeeeem* 
Me: Turns to walk away
Man: turns his head to avoid coughing on the cheese.  Instead coughs in my face
Me: *internal screaming* I swear to god I can feel the germs invading my face
Man:  Pardon me *walks away*
Me: Twitching

I immediately dropped the cheese (on the floor) and lifted the hem of my shirt and started scrubbing my face.  I didn't care if anyone saw my not so sexy tummy.  I hand sanitized my face.  It burned...but it was a good burn.....ahhhhh burn so good. 

Then today while waiting in line the guy behind me had this personal space issue.  As in he had no idea what personal space was.  He was practically humping my @$$ and it was freaking me out.  I could feel his labored breath puffing on my neck!!!  Sorry but the only breaths I should feel like that better belong to my husband! I could envision the germs crawling in my hair *shudder*.

Lesson of the day!  Stop being disgusting.  COVER YOUR MOUTH/NOSE if you COUGH/SNEEZE!!!! I am seriously considering carrying around a can of lysol and spraying the next person who does this near me.  Would that be rude????

Ugh I need to go scald a layer of skin off.

This is why we can't have nice things

Or this is why we have so much fun...depends on how you look at it.

Going out to a nice restaurant is something an over 30 year old should be able to do without incident.  And for the most part that does happen.  But for some reason my husband and I turn into giggly 8 year olds sometimes and the results get us judge-y stares.  It doesn't help that we look very young. 

We were behaving quite normally at our most recent outing until the appetizer came out.  We are both fairly adventurous eaters. We will try most new things, especially seafood things.  So imagine how happy we were when we found out the special that night at this "fancy" place was barnacles.  Yea I said barnacles.  I have NEVER...NEVER EVER thought hey you know that algae covered thing on the bottom of a boat, yea lets eat it!  But our waitress seeing our confused looks quickly clarified that these are "gooseneck barnacles" and are from the pacific northwest area.  They grow on rocks that jut out into the ocean, not on the bottom of things in the harbor.  Okaaaaaaay, sure why not...anything sauteed in butter has got to be good, right???

Then they came out and that was it.  The maturity level at our table plummeted.  Thank GOD we waited until our waitress finished explaining how to eat them before dissolving into a fit of giggles.  True story, first thing I did was pick one up and say "*snicker, snicker* it looks like a *suppressed giggle* it looks like a tiny wrinkled deformed wee wee *snort* in a dragon scale!!!!!!!!!!!!".  I have quite an imagination.  But for reals, you have to see that they look a little, uh, questionable...

Seriously,

 could you....

  have kept...

 a straight face?!!??!

Come on man!

**NOTE** These are not my pics.  I had to internet search some because I didn't want to get more weird looks from the snoots at the restaurant by taking pics of my phallic looking food.

By the way you eat them kinda like a crawfish.  In the sense that you "pinch the hard tip" (like pinching the tail) and "pull gently on the meat with your teeth".  You would have lost it as well, don't lie, you have the same dirty mind I have! 

By the way, they were totally delicious!  A little weird at first but yummy none the less. 

This should have been the end of our adventure...nope!  We got our meal (also delicious) and on top of my amazing duck breast was some fried fat/skin.  Yea buddy, who don't love some cracklin.  But it was HUGE!!! I mean, waaaaaaay more than a mouthful so I had to cut it in half and then in half again.  Have you ever tried to cut a fried piece of fat/skin????  I was trying to be careful....adding a little more pressure with the knife, trying to be subtle.  When suddenly the knife slipped making a loud clattering noise and half my cracklin went shooting across the table.  "Doh!".  I said "*eep* uh, slippery little sucker", which got a giggle from my husband and an evil glare from the table next to us.  What?!?!  I'm just happy my hubs got the pretty woman reference, although he did steal the rogue piece of cracklin. 

Not everyone was giving us evil looks.  I think most thought we were an adorable couple but a few peeps were definitely looking down their noses at us.  Eh, whatever, at least we have fun!!!

It's like dealing with a 16 year old going through a breakup

Except said person is in fact a 50+ year old male and its a divorce.  I've witnessed many divorces unfortunately.  I've lived through my parents (I was VERY young) and sat by quietly as friends end their marriages.  I don't judge.  Sometimes, it just isn't going to work.  Sometimes it is the only option.  But it is NEVER okay to get ugly.  And 9 times out of 10 they are UGLY.  It is even worse when children are involved.

This one is no different.  There are lies and hurt and secrets and did I mention lies.  Divorce brings out your true colors or well brings the nastier ones to the surface.  It really does bring out the worst in people.  It is bad enough you "fell out of love" or whatever but why do you have to try to hurt each other more.  Why is it necessary to be mean just to make sure they aren't happier than you.  I am so different sometimes.  I've gone through bad breakups, one was very much like a marriage.  It had the potential to get REALLY ugly but somehow we didn't let it.  It wasn't unicorns pooping rainbows but we were mostly mindful of each others feelings. 

This is almost never how things work out.  What is hilarious to me is the person asking for the divorce seems to be the one that is usually so utterly mean.  The cheater or the one who sees greener grass or whatever, almost always is the one who gets so worked up and angry.  It's baffling, the only thing I can think of is it is their guilt bleeding through.  On some level they know whatever happened to make them want a divorce is their fault so they start lashing out.  What kills me is the one being attacked who has EVERY RIGHT to be angry and mean usually is just like "Okay, it's fine.  Whatever you want." They are so beat down and disappointed they don't have time to be an asshat.  Again not always the case but I've seen it more than not.

It also amazes me how different men and women are in a divorce.  While women do have a tendency to get VERY emotional, not all go Carrie Underwood on their ex's cars.  Just like not all men decide to sleep with everything that moves after they split up.  But I notice men do not seem to "heal" as fast.  While women many times end up with confidence problems, they have a support base (friends and family) that build it back up pretty quick but for men it is like their "pride" has been bruised so they act like dickwads to build it back up.  Newsflash not all women are deserving of your royal ass-ness so quit it.  And stop shaming your exes with the other divorced males in the vicinity of females.  One it is rude and two it is incredibly immature.  If you need to have a male bonding time make sure I can't hear you because now I want to nut punch you for being a twat booger.  Also blaring One less problem for all to hear is not helping us think you are "okay". We now think you are a bit emotionally distraught.   If you want to do that at home, more power to you but in public maybe tone it down a bit. 

I just find it hilarious how some revert back to teenage drama when breaking up.  Maybe I am  different and don't see the need to hurt someone who hurt me.  It may be painful but to me they have moved on, so why dwell on it longer than necessary.  It's their loss, right.  Plus I find the best "revenge" is to move on.  Nothing hurts more than knowing you f**ked up and now they are happy without you. 

My @$$ is going to get me in trouble one day

I've always had quite a butt.  Even when I was in high school and weighed like 80lbs (naturally, I wasn't sick or anything), I had this bubble butt thing going on.  It's not overly big, I am no Nicki Minaj but it is like *whabam*.  I have a fairly tiny frame for the most part (no where near 80 lbs anymore) but my @$$...good lord...it demands attention.  I am pretty sure if it could talk it would say "hey, hey you!  Yea, look at me, you know you want to, mmmmhmmmmm". 

Of course I don't try very hard to hide it, I like tights and skinny jeans, so sue me.  Well last night I went out to dinner, nothing fancy, and I wore fleece lined tights and an oversized boyfriend plaid shirt.  It covered by butt and then some so hush.  I thought nothing of the outfit, it was cute, comfy, and casual.  I got up to get a refill for my drink and noticed one of the cooks watching me.  The place was small and fairly empty so I  thought, "Eh, whatever".  I got my drink and headed back to my table.  Apparently I have a sashay when I walk.  Because I heard someone say VERY quietly "Oh yea, shake shake shake señora." I kind of slowed down and I am pretty sure my expression was  O.O.  Before I could turn around there was an *ahem* from the manager so I just kept walking.  

When I got home I was informed I needed to wear that outfit more often because "damn!"  Ahhhhh now that "shake shake shake señora" makes a little more sense.  I really wasn't trying to attract attention on purpose but apparently my @$$ had another agenda.

"I know it hurt, but he/she means well."

This is one of the stupidest justification for someones actions!  I've used this excuse before to justify the actions of ex-boyfriends, friends, family, co-workers, etc.  We all have.  It's the "they don't mean to be an asshole, that's just how they are" in a different form.  It is soooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooo lame!  This is not an excuse.  If you mean well then don't be a jerk!  You should know by the time you are in High School (if not way sooner) what the difference is between right and wrong.  You should be able to, on some level, know that some topics are off limits.  Or at least what the limits are.  No one is that oblivious to body language. Have some tact people!  Look we all say stupid things sometimes but I've noticed more people feel the need to voice their stupid all the time instead of occasionally.

Yes, I understand that some need to be treated harshly to get them back to reality but sometimes I want to slap people for being utterly insensitive.  You can be a supportive friend/family member/whatever and not come off as a complete douche nozzle.

Examples:
A)  You know someone trying to have babies who hasn't been successful.  Unless you know for a FACT, I'm talking 100% positive, that they will be comforted by religious shit (sorry but sometimes it is shit), I do not recommend sending them anything.  Because I can almost guarantee the "Don't worry God has a plan" email will make some struggling women lose their cool.  Yea you "mean well" but if they aren't outright asking for that kind of support you aren't helping. If anything you just created a blubbering mess that others (like their husbands or best friends) are going to have to mop up.  And don't give me the "they mean well crap".  If you mean well then be supportive, quit reminding them that God hasn't blessed them with a boo boo through electronic prayer.  That kind of comfort is a trigger, you don't need to pull it.  If you want to pray for them, then pray for them.  Prayers don't need an audience to be answered. 

B) You know someone trying to lose weight.  Stop, just effing stop.  If they do not bring up the subject, keep your pie hole shut.  Saying "you look great" is one thing, that's nice.  But doing the over the top "Oh my GOD, look at you!  You're like a totally different person." And then proceeding to bring it up to everyone you see in front of said person, saying "don't they look great, you must have lost so much weight!".  You aren't being nice...yea they may look great but you are calling attention to them by going overboard. It's embarrassing and makes everyone uncomfortable. 

B1) Also, unless said persons ask for weight loss advice or healthy eating advice don't give it.  If someone says "OMG, I need to work out" that is not an opening for you to say anything, unless it is "OMG me too" or "why?  You look fine to me *shrug*".  Now if they say, "hey I need to work out...have any suggestions?" Feel free, that is an opening. 

C)  "Have you thought of NOT dying your hair?  You know it causes damage. *picks up a piece with two fingers like it has the plague*" Um, have you thought of not being a twat booger?  What's it to you if someone does or does not dye their hair???  What does someone else's physical appearance have to do with your happiness?  Maybe dying their hair makes them feel better about themselves!  Why do YOU feel the need to make a big deal about it.  You don't mean well, you aren't looking out for their well being, you are being an asshat.  I don't care if they dyed their hair purple...it is their hair, bugger off!

D)  "You have to buy an SUV!  If you want kids you can't drive them around in a *gasp* car!!!!!  Do you want your baby to die???" What on Earth are you smoking???  That is mean, hurtful and just dumb.  Of course I don't want my nonexistent kids to die.  But my "little bitty" car has a better safety rating then your over sized gas guzzler.  The reason my car is "more dangerous" isn't because of my car at all.  It is because idiots like you who buy giant vehicles and don't know how to operate them, therefore putting the rest of us in danger.  I am not over extending myself because people like you don't know how to drive.  Shut up!  You don't mean well, you are an idiot.  If you want safer roads, start with yourself.  If you want an SUV, good on you, learn how to drive it.  My BFF has a ginormous SUV thing but I am cool with it because she knows how to drive it and park it!

Here is a bit of advice.  Everyone is entitled to an opinion but unless someone asks for it keep it to yourself.  Otherwise you are intentionally hurting someone.  There is no excuse for it, you are being hurtful just to be hurtful even if you try to justify it with "but I mean well".

NOTE: 

Obviously this does not apply to someone who is endangering themselves.  I guess for instance the hair dye comment is totally acceptable if it is causing physical harm to said person.  But as said before, there are better ways to bring it up.  Don't be an asshat!

Stop being attractive!

Okay, maybe don't stop completely.  But stop a little...or stop being charming.  You can't be both of those and crazy talented that just isn't fair. 

I am an adult, I should not have a celebrity crush but I so do.  It's stupid really but *argh* I want to vomit rainbows every time I see something about them.  Anyone else over the age of 13 have this problem?!?!  I feel like I am regressing to prepubescent times.  Ya know where you write "I love __(insert name of stupidly attractive famous person)___" on your paper bag text book cover and then draw a giant heart around it.  I mean I am not that ridiculous (I think he's hot I am NOT obsessive). 

What's also annoying is he is quite talented.  I've watched many things he's been in and most are decent. Even the horrible ones are watchable...or maybe I am being nice.  Who knows.  I feel like a weirdo though.  It's like "oh so and so is in __________.  Lets record it and watch it later because reasons."

Anyways,  I keep thinking this silly crush will pass and it totally doesn't.  Then I see people doing creepy things to said person (jfc some people are MENTAL!) and I am like "OMG being famous sucks!" Then I think "thank god I'm normal.  If I ever met so and so I'd probably just smile like and idiot and not be able to form a proper sentence." Weeeeeeeeeeell not really.  I've met famous persons before and while I was nervous, I was fairly normal and I have a feeling even if I met someone I thought was stupid attractive, I'd still be semi-normal.  Because well that's just me, I'm not big on making a scene or a fool of myself, so yea. 

Moving on, I read something recently about said person and an experience they had with fans...not sure if it was a recent experience or what but it was something.  Can I just say, people are seriously out of control.  He is MARRIED!  I mean happily married as far as anyone knows and she is adorable and people do these things and I cringe because I feel so bad for them.  And as badly as I would like to meet some celebrities, I just don't think I could stand being in a crowd that is that bat-shit crazy.  It's like some people cannot see the line between fantasy and reality.  Okay so you think their character and another character on whatever show/movie should be together.  Whatever that is fine but please understand they are NOT actually those characters.  They are a real person, with a real life, and a real family.  QUIT BEING UBER-CREEPY!  You are making all fans look like loonies.

So instead I will settle for checking Tumblr (stop laughing) and giggle at how silly it is to be a happily married adult and have a crush.   At least he is older than me.  It would be wrong on so many levels if I had a crush on someone younger and by younger I mean like early 20's.

Give me back Baby Jesus, you little b***h!

A sentence I never thought I would utter.  Also, a sentence that probably makes my neighbors think I am crazy.  Can you imagine walking down the sidewalk when you hear that yelled from inside your seemingly sweet little neighbors house?!?!?!

So what happened you may be wondering.  Weeeeeeeell you see we started decorating for Christmas, yay!  I inherited an old nativity scene from my grandma so I decided to display it under the tree.  Why I thought this was a good idea is beyond me. 

You know how people post pics of cats climbing trees/destroying Christmas?!?  Yea I have one of those cats.  She is called DEMON SPAWN and she is an @$$hole.  The first incident, before the ornaments were on the tree, I heard the sounds of something tumbling across the tile floor.  I saw her batting around baby Jesus.  "Oh come on cat!"  I said NO (she cowered) and I put him back in the nativity scene.  While I was sleeping that night I heard a loud crashing from the living room, "seriously?!?!" The tree was still standing but she has mowed down the entire nativity scene and baby Jesus was missing.  OMG!  I found him under the couch, put everything back together while glaring at her form across the room, and went back to bed. 

The next night I started putting ornaments on the tree.  She was intensely watching me from the back of the couch.  Every time I put something up, I looked at her and said No.  I decided I needed more pretty bulbs to replace the ones that broke last year when the tree fell over (pre demon spawn...clumsy dog) so I went to the store.  I came back to the wise men scattered and baby Jesus kidnapped *grrrrr*.  He was in a dog dish *face palm* ...I don't think a dog had anything to do with it, I am thinking this was a premeditated get the pups in trouble technique. 

Finally I finished making the tree looked pretty and began putting bells around the bottom of the tree.  I've done this for years because old lady cat used to knock ornaments off the tree.  The bells alerted me to her presence...she got sprayed with water and eventually the bells ringing became the deterrent.  This may or may not work with my little bundle of evil.  The whole time I was hanging bells I had an audience...under the tree.  She walked over to the nativity scene, I said NO and picked up the water bottle.  She looked at me, knocked the angel off the roof and took off running as I sprayed water after her, yelling "You little s**t!" Once I was done I went to take a shower.  When I came back to watch TV there were some bells on the floor and baby Jesus was again missing.  I couldn't find the damn cat.  Finally I spotted her running WITH baby Jesus in her mouth.  I screamed "give me back Baby Jesus, you little b***h!" And proceeded to chase her around the house with the spray bottle.  I caught her, she hissed, I said shut it, she went hide and I reassembled the bells and nativity.

The next morning when I woke up I found two ornaments were knocked off the tree but thankfully baby Jesus was still in his manger.  She was watching me from the back of the couch.  I said "Leave the tree ALONE!" She meowed really loudly.  I said "hey, don't talk back. I am serious." She meowed again and rolled over...falling off the couch.  She then looked at me and hissed.  "Oh for God's sake, cat.  Do not touch the tree!"

Later that morning I got a text from the husband "F*****g black cat is about to get tossed outside if I don't stop hearing bells!" Guess my little chat with her didn't work....*le sigh*.  I am 100% certain she knows she is being bad and 100% certain she does not care....she is an @$$hole!

You are a disgusting human being!

Ya know you think you know someone and then BAM they surprise you with something...some weird habit that is borderline UNFORGIVABLE!

I can deal with most bad habits.  I had roommates in college and spent time at boyfriend's houses back in the day...hell I lived with one a few years back (he had some strange habits).  So I've seen my fair share of "Ewwwww, don't...just ewwwwww!" moments.  Let me clarify that I am by no means perfect.  I have my own set of weird but my weird does not usually affect anyone but me.  Okay so sometimes I leave a tissue on the couch (in my "spot") or under MY pillow.  I pick it up...eventually.  Or I don't finish my bottled drinks.  As in, I'll have 5 bottles of coke/water/tea with about an inch left in the bottom in random places. 

Anyways, today I am thoroughly grossed out.  I mean, I can't...I can't even deal.  Sooooo the other night I was home alone.  I decided I wanted some wings and breadsticks.  Yes, an odd craving but this is me.  So I ordered me some Pizza Hut because they deliver and I was being quite lazy.  Once my food was delivered (25 minutes later than the estimated time *grrrrr*) I dug in while watching some DVR'd episodes of The Newsroom (I love that show!).  Did I mention they messed up my order but totally in my favor?  I ordered 8 wings and breadsticks.  I received 16 wings, waffle fries and breadsticks but was only charged for what I ordered...I think that makes up for it being a little late.

Moving on.  As I was enjoying my wings I apparently decided to breathe...while I had a mouthful of food.  I do not recommend doing this...it is a very bad idea.  So I started choking.  The food came out but I couldn't catch my breath because of the spice from the chicken.  So what do you naturally want...you want something to drink.  Or at least I do in this case.  So I grabbed the closest thing to me which happened to be a coke bottle from a previous day.  I assumed it was mine because there was about 2 inches left in the bottom (that is a me move).   It was flat (yay, no really yay, better for not choking more) so I took a huge swig. Then I immediately projectile vomited what I had eaten so far (thankfully into the plastic bag my food came in). 

You must be thinking, "what in the world could have made you do that?!?!  I mean it's just flat coke for god's sake."  No, no it wasn't just flat coke!!!!  After I calmed down I felt SOMETHING in my mouth.  Something kind of hard, almost like a small piece of plastic.  First thought, oh part of the coke bottle must have broken off, because you know that happens all the time.  In reality I was in denial.  You see it was FINGERNAILS!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!  *gagging just thinking about it*  There aren't enough exclamation points to illustrate my freakout.  Apparently my AMAZING spouse either clipped or bit off some nails recently and instead of getting up and throwing them in the trash can he put them in the almost empty coke bottle sitting on the coffee table.  If that wasn't bad enough, he then left said CONTAMINATED coke bottle on the table for his unsuspecting wife to accidentally drink.  His mother would be so proud!

Even though I yacked them up, I can still FEEL it in my esophagus.  I think its my brain being weird but what if one got stuck...OMG!  Can you imagine???  What if it got infected...  "hey man, how'd your wife get so sick?" "Oh she drank my fingernails." "Whaaaaaaat kind of weird shit do y'all get up to.........."

Lesson of the day, don't drink from bottles left on the table, even if you think they are yours.

The power of the subconcious

Sometimes my subconscious mind scares the crap out of me!  So I was in quite a bit of  pain last night.  Well I say pain.  It was more like being insanely uncomfortable.  I thought it was a pulled muscle in my lower left back but it wasn't tense/knotted.  I tried a heating pad, stretching and every possible sleeping position, including face down, @$$ up.  Stop laughing, I used to sleep like this as a child and it was rather comfy. 

I tossed and turned all night.  When I did doze off, I had insane dreams about the pain I was in.  Well the pain my brain said I should be in, realistically I was just uncomfortable.  One in particular  involved being stabbed in the back, repeatedly.  Not pleasant at all!  Sometime after 4AM, I fell off into a detailed dream scape.  I don't know where I was but I was in a futuristic medical lab.  There was a physician.  I don't remember his face but he was older and a bit grumpy.  He said he had something to help with the pain.  I was reluctant.  I didn't know who he was but he seemed genuine.  He said something about me being stubborn and he didn't have to help.  *sigh* I relented.  He gently touched my lower back and the side of my face and the pain immediately fell away.  In reality I went into a deep sleep because the next thing I knew my alarm was going off.  The dull ache returned immediately upon awakening (argh, annoying!).   I rolled to get out of bed and that is when I was hit with a strong wave of nausea combined with a pulsing abdominal pain also on my left.  "WTF is wrong with me?!?!"

I somehow managed to get ready for work.  I am still uncomfortable but I am okay.  My friend seems to think I may have a kidney infection and wants me to go to the Doc ASAP because apparently it can get REALLY bad, really fast.  But I don't feel that bad just having this annoying ache.  Of course, it has been pointed out that I have a higher than normal pain tolerance so maybe I should go to the doc just to be safe. 

So what do you think happened in my dream???  How did I block out the pain so that I could sleep?  That is weird, right?!?!?  I feel like that is something I shouldn't have been able to do.  Its like an example of mind over matter or something.  Maybe I watch/read too much sci-fi but I thought it was strange. 

How many stars would you give 'What Would Satan Do?'?

This has to be by far the strangest subject of an email I have ever received from Amazon.  It is a review request.  Apparently I downloaded a Kindle book called "What would Satan do?".  I have no memory of doing this. 

I am a sweet little Catholic girl (well sort of), when did I download a book about Satan?!?  Weeeeeeell I do read lots of mythical, magical, good vs evil books (and I watch shows like Supernatural and Constantine) but this seems a little out of my element.  I mean why would I want to know what Satan would do...this isn't Supernatural...and if it were I'd be dealing with Crowley anyways. 

Since I am a curious creature, I opened the book.  I know every horror movie (SPN) buff out their just shrieked in fear.  WWSADD (what would sam and dean do)???  They'd say "OMG do not open the creepy book you don't remember buying!!! You douse it in salt and burn it"  Too bad its an eBook...how do you salt an burn and eBook, huh, huh?!?!?!  Stumped ya didn't I??? And I am not burning my iPad!  Great, guess I am now a pawn of the underworld. 

Whatever, I did open it and this is the first chapter title "Chapter 1: The Apostles Were Dirty Cannibals", WTF?!?!  Who let Cas write a book???  The first few sentences "There are days when it is appropriate to stomp the hell out of a frog, and days when it is just better not to. The trick is to know which is which.  Satan shot an evil look at the creature on the sidewalk. F**k frogs, he thought, using the new vernacular he hasn't quite got the hang of yet.  F**k them to f**king hell."   Ummmmm what...just what in the world?!?!?! I didn't know there was so much hatred for frogs.  I like frogs sir Satan. 

Then I went and read the synopsis and laughed my @$$ off.  This sounds flipping hilarious.  So now I know I probably DID in fact download it.  It is a satirical story about the devil giving up on hell because he doesn't like how God is handling Judgement Day (not The Terminator version) and is living on Earth. Then somehow becoming the only who will be able to stop Judgment Day.  I feel like this should be an episode of Supernatural where Lucifer & Michael get out of the cage and Michael is like "really guys?!?  What happened to heaven???" and Lucifer is all, "WHY is Crowley running my kingdom?!?! He's a total fan boy for those meddling brothers...I've only been gone for 4 seasons, this is unacceptable!"  Meanwhile the brothers are like, oh shit we forgot about Adam and we all have a good laugh. 

Does anyone else suffer from second hand embarrassment???

I do!  And it makes me nuts!!!  It is all in my head and sometimes I think I have lost my marbles.  Its stupid, so stupid.  I embarrass myself all the time because I am, well, me.  I mean I don't show it.  I do something, um, silly *ahem* and then play it off best I can.  Ya know, act all nonchalant.  Of course I relive said moment in my head over and over and over and...maybe I am neurotic...hmmm. But second hand embarrassment, I think I might die a little inside each time and I am not even the one doing the weird thing. 

And it is not just "real" people.  I find when watching a fav TV Show/Movie/Actor I cringe at their "awkwardness".   For example (seriously one of MANY), this show a couple weeks ago.  Its a crime drama...well a remake of a crime drama but whatever and its a good show.  I've seen both versions and enjoy both for totally different reasons.  Anyways there was this insanely AWKWARD scene in the original that also ended up in the remake.  Both times I wanted to crawl under the table because I felt the weirdness that was happening on screen.  Well in the original it was 1000 times more uncomfortable but it was still "OMG" worthy in the remake.  It is a total misread of a persons intentions.  As in, "hey, let's hook up, I know you want to." and the other person is like "uh yea no." 

But I only get the second hand embarrassment when watching serious TV/Movies.  If its supposed to be a comedy, I am fine.  All I can think of is I can overly relate to the weirdness going on.  Meaning, I am OBVIOUSLY an unusual person so when I see someone else being unusual and other people not getting it, I feel their uncomfortableness. 

What is really odd about me is this happens with books too!!!  Some characters make me bonkers.  There are times where I have to stop reading, look away and go "OMG are you kidding me?!?!"  Or giggle hysterically and put my head down because I cannot believe they did that or maybe because I can totally see myself doing that. 

Do I have an overactive imagination?!?!  Am I abnormally empathetic?!?!  Is this something other people experience?!?!  Am I really THAT weird?!?! I am fairly certain I am not the only one but sometimes I wonder. Now if you'll excuse me, I shall go read more of my book and suffer an insane amount of second hand embarrassment.

Yes, because when humans are born we are PERFECTLY well behaved

*argh* some people are so irritating.  Ya know what if you don't expect to have to TRAIN and CLEAN UP after a puppy or kitten or any other pet for that matter...then DON'T GET ONE!  Seriously, if you are investing your time and money into a new fur baby you should fully expect to have to raise said fur baby.  They don't come out of the womb knowing it is bad to pee pee inside nor do they understand that chewing on mommy's favorite shoes is a no, no.  You have to TEACH them!

It kills me when people are like "Yay, we got a puppy."  And everyone is all "awwwww, so cute.  love him/her."  Then like two weeks later the same people are all "OMG I hate this creature!  He/she has chewed ___(insert beloved item)____. I think we are going to give him/her back to the pound."  Cue me wanting to stab ignorant people.   You are an idiot!  Or the, "ugh, this thing smells." (talking about a ferret or hamster or cat litter or whatever)  Seriously?!?!  You have to CLEAN the cage/litter pan...like frequently.  Preferably once a week, if not more often (as in cat litter).

1.  He/she is a PUPPY (or other innocent furry creature)! You have to teach them right and wrong, just like you would, oh I dunno, a child. 
2.  It doesn't happen overnight!  Just because you tell him/her ONE time don't do that doesn't mean he/she will remember NOT to do that.
3.  You have a puppy/new pet...you must puppy/pet proof your home and belongings.  If you don't want it chewed or peed on PICK IT UP!
4.  You are their caregiver.  They cannot walk themselves/let themselves out (unless there is a pet door), clean their own litter/cage, feed themselves (unless you sprung for an auto feeder), or clean up if they've made a mess. 
5.   They just want love and attention.  They don't live very long so make their short lives AMAZING!

I am a firm believer when Cesar Millan says, "I rehabilitate dogs, and train people."  If you have a "bad" dog/pet, 99.9% of the time you created the problem.  Animals take their cues from their humans (just like kids take their cues from their parents).   It's not the dogs fault you never corrected them so why should they have to suffer because you are lazy.  There are way too many homeless pets.  Do us all a favor and don't get one unless you plan on keeping them for their entire life.  Extenuating circumstances not included. 

And don't go all, "you just don't understand", with me.  Because I TOTALLY understand.  I had a puppy from hell.  He was stubborn and never wanted to listen and destroyed everything.  But did I give him away?  No!  I brought his @$$ to obedience school and sprung for a kennel to keep him out of trouble.  And guess what???  He is the best dog ever.  Still stubborn as hell but he is a good boy. 

My point is if you aren't going to take time to be a responsible pet owner then don't get a pet. 

"Are you kidding?!?"

Said in my best impersonation of Roxy Hart.

I feel like there is a full moon a coming, the stupid is strong today.  Also the anger...and just a tad bit of paranoia. 

It is like every where I turn something insane is happening.  I am starting to wonder if I am the only one NOT affected by lunar cycles.  Menstrual cycles, yes...lunar cycles...meh, sorry...not sorry. 

I have been yelled at twice today for things that are 100% out of my control. 

Person:  This happened
Me:  Well I can fix this by doing that but it will take at least 3 days.
Person: No fix this now
Me:  I...I can't.  This is the fastest that can happen
Person: Make this work again
Me:... *thinking* "what part of I CAN'T, do you not get?!!?!?" I am trying my hardest but this is the best I can offer.
Person: Fine

**10 minutes later**

Person's Boss:  Person said you are refusing to help us out of a dire situation
Me: Uh, wha...no.  I am always happy to help its just my hands are tied.  3 days is the best I can do.
Person's Boss:  That is unacceptable
Me: I...I...There is a process we have to follow.  There is no way around it.  Had I gotten more notice this wouldn't be an issue.  This is as fast as I can...
Person's Boss:  We will deal with the fall out *hang up*
Me: *beating head on desk*

Then I told another person exactly how to do something.  They kept saying its not working.  Boss steps in, says the exact same effing thing and they say "ooooooh, I get it now".  Are you freaking serious?!!?!? I give up.

Also, this human...well I think human...sometimes I wonder.  Anyway this human said "I know you are going behind my back trying to make me look bad.  I will not allow you to run me off! You aren't better than me!!!" 
Me: ................???? What in the world are you talking about?
Human: Don't play dumb with me! I hate you! *walks away*
Me: What just happened......

Maybe I should wine tonight...yes, yes wine is definitely in my future. 

OMG there is a full moon tomorrow.  That CANNOT be a coincidence! And it is also a bit frightening.  If crazy is this bad today, imagine tomorrow o_O.

I shouldn't be allowed in public...

...especially during times of year when it is more acceptable to act..."strange".

As I stated in a previous post SOME persons don't appreciate my appreciation for Halloween.  Well all this week I have been going a bit overboard with my antics...possibly because of the comments...or possibly because its Halloween biotches.

Person: *looking disapprovingly at my mini witch hat* Has any one ever told you, you are a bit, oh I dunno, weird?
Me: *OMG how often will I get this opportunity*  They never really stop (yea I kinda quoted him, say something! hahaha)

Person: Were you just blaring "The Monster Mash" from your car???
Me: *getting out of car* *dancing around in a circle* It was a graveyard smash!
Person: *shakes head* yea, okay whatever
Me:  No...? How about the Transylvania Twist?!!?! *biggest smile EVER*
Person: *rolls eyes*

Person: *almost skipping down the hall* I had to come see what you had on!  I just knew you'd be decorated :)
Me: Did I disappoint?? *hamming it up with my giant witch hat*
Person: Nope!  Happy Halloween!!! (this person clearly GETS me!)

(Another) Person: *pops head in doorway* Yes! I win!  I knew you'd have something Halloween on!!!
Me: But of course!
Person: How come no one else gets in the spirit?!?!
Me: No idea
Person:  Their loss!  Never change, have fun today :)
He almost made me cry, that was very sweet!

Stranger:  *looking at all the SCARY Halloween stuff on the conveyor belt* Do you amuse yourself with the strange and unusual?
Me: *wistfully* I myself am strange and unusual
Stranger: *high five* Beetlejuice is one of my favorites
Me: OMG me too! *I made a friend, ha!*
I feel like this person tried this many times and no one else stepped up to the challenge of semi-quoting Lydia Deetz. 

Person: Your shirt is adorable!
Me: *looks down at shirt* Ah, yes :)  Thanks!
Person:  It's so Halloween-y
Me:  *super nerdy excited* It's all the words to the witches spell in the shape of a cauldron! *looks expectantly at person*
Person: Oh, right, ok.  I get it witches...its shaped like a pot.
Me:......
Peron:.... *smiles uncomfortably*
Me:.... like....like from Shakespeare...you know, "double double toil and trouble..."
Person:  That's from Shakespeare...???
Me: *gobsmacked* *clears throat* yes....Macbeth
Another Person: *laughing manically* OMG, how do you not know that?!?!
Me: *sighs* *smiles* Y'all have a nice day.


Me: *Listening to "Animals" when the howling part comes on* "Oooooooooooooouuuuuuuwwww"
Person: Are you kidding me?
Me:  What?!!?  It IS part of the song.
Person:  I think you are doing this for attention.
Me: Maybe...maybe not but at least I'm having fun *manic grin*
Person: *laughing* Ya, I guess you are.

I can't help it!  I love love love love Halloween!  It makes me hyper!  Well that and the 4 cups of coffee this morning.  Of course not all of these happened today...maybe I am hyper all the time *hmmmmm*

UPDATE:  Someone just walked past my door.  Stopped.  Walked back.  Smiled and said "so is it the witching hour?" Yay, I'm so glad some people appreciate and EXPECT my Halloween antics. 

Why can't adults WITHOUT kids appreciate Halloween???

Halloween is by far my favorite holiday.  It always has been, since I was a wee little one.  I've never really paid much attention to those who always say "grow up" but lately they've been irritating me more and more.  Not because I need to "grow up" but more so because they need to "lighten up"!  Growing up does not mean having to stop enjoying life, geesh.

I consider myself a fairly mature person...well depending on the company I keep...add a couple of my friends and all bets are off.  Anyway, I find it hilarious that some feel that my need to decorate and dress up for Halloween insinuates I am immature but only because I do not have children.  Once I have kids I am free to have fun again BUT only for the children...not for me. 

Does this make any sense?  So are you telling me that those who decorate and celebrate Christmas need to grow up also...I mean if they don't have kids why put up a tree and exchange presents???  No this doesn't make any sense.  Yes, of course, it is magical for children (holidays in general) but just because you are an adult doesn't mean you have to stop appreciating the magic.  I am not going trick or treating...well I am but its with kids...I'm not trick or treating alone, I am not that crazy.  I decorate my house to look "spooky".  I dress up in costume to hand out candy.  The parents seem to love it so why all the hate??? Also, in case you haven't caught on, I do it because I enjoy it!  I like walking into my house all during October and seeing pumpkins and skeletons and spiders..."Oh my!"  I also find it hilarious that a black cat is terrified of the decor but the other animals are all "meh". 

So screw off all you haters.  I love Halloween and if I want to decorate and dress up and carve pumpkins, I will!  Not because I am immature but because it is something I enjoy.  If you don't like it blow me :P  I will continue having my fun and you can continue being boring.  I personally think on some level you are jealous because I still know how to have fun and you have succumbed to the pressures of society to be like everyone else.  Have "fun" with that, NOLAGurl out.

I've been laughing for ten minutes

Can you imagine if you were being all hot and heavy with your man/woman and suddenly there was a marching band in your bedroom?!?  Seriously, he says "Is it weird that I hear Trumpets when you’re turning me on?" and I'm like well no, that's kind of romantic and then BAM trumpeters jump out of the shadows and are all up in your business.

I'm in a weird moooooooooooood.  But this has me smiling like a loon because I find it hilarious. What if it wasn't just when he got turned on by his girl???  "Oh no Jason is getting turned on, NOT THE TRUMPETS AGAIN!". I mean his trips to the strip club must be epic.  Or trying to hide the fact that he's watching porn.  Like being all secretive and suddenly trumpets.  "Honey, what are you doing?", "Nothing dear", *Da da, da ra ra da, da, da
Da, ra, ra, ra, da, da*, "That doesn't sound like nothing!!!"

Hey, I really like that song.......

....OMG WHY DID I WATCH THE VIDEO!?!?!?!?!


If you haven't seen the video...it is, um, disturbing, to say the least.  I like the song, I downloaded the song, I listen to the song and just love it (plus I like Maroon 5).  When I first heard it, I thought it was about undeniable attraction which is a tad bit hot...then I watched the video (and read the lyrics) and feel like I need to add more locks to all doors and windows and carry an extra can of mace.  WTF MAN?!?  The vid is below:

I know the vid came out a few months ago but here are my thoughts...JFC can he be any freaking sexier.  Its ridiculous.  Seriously, do you ever see a celebrity and think "his/her level of attractiveness should be banned!".  Especially when they try to make them look "bad" but they just can't look bad...its nauseating really. 

In all honesty, the idea behind this video should be terrifying but I kept coming back to the thought of Adam Levine in glasses with his shirt off.  Then the proper side of my brain kicks in and is like HE IS STALKING HER!  Moving back to the holy shit that's hot, like really hot.  The proper brain says "That's...what is wrong with you?!?! He is rubbing himself down with animal blood and swinging on a carcass!!!  That is not hot!".  But, but...he's scruffy with glasses and...oh my God, is he writhing in bed with her without her knowledge?!?! It should be illegal to make stalking look THAT attractive!  Its to the point where you are almost like, hey if HE wants to stalk me it couldn't be THAT bad. 

No...no....no.  It is THAT bad because think about it.  Some of the most notorious psycho paths were super attractive.  So here you have the creeptastic "um, he is in her room talking pictures and snuggling in her bed while she sleeps" which leads into a very intense "love" dream thing...then there are buckets of blood dumped on them.  I should totally be grossed out but I think True Blood desensitized me because I was not in the least grossed out.  Instead, I was like "hmmmmm this is borderline porn" and kept watching.   

So my thoughts...I will probably watch it again (and again and again)...even though the stalking really freaks me out...I've had "stalkers"...thankfully not to that extreme but how can you not want to watch it again (and again and again)!?!? *Argh* I think I need a cold shower.

It's Halloween Time!!!

And apparently my subconscious is trying to scare the f**k out of me.  I had a dream last night to rival any horror flick out there.  And I haven't been binge watching horror movies this month (shocking, I know).

Okay so my dream.  We were staying in a supposed haunted house.  It reminded me of the Myrtles but I don't think that is where we were.   Anyway, we saw nothing.  Like I vaguely remember walking around an old plantation like home and eating maybe in a kitchen area but nothing unusual happened.  My husband and I had a room and my friends had their own rooms with their respective spouses.  We were just starting to fall asleep when the door to the room flew open (which I was facing) and two of my friends came running in.  I can't tell you which two because I don't know but I know it was two of my besties.  They climbed up on the foot of this massive bed we were sleeping in and were yabbering about how freaked out they were in their room.  At some point we all started to doze off and I remember bright flashing behind my eye lids.  There was an image, like an x-ray of a person in these flashes.  I opened my eyes and this apparition was attacking me but not actually hurting me.  I was thrashing around but no one else could see it.  So I calmed down and explained what I saw.  A woman, darker skin, with a leather collar around her neck.  She looked rabid.  She  eventually fell to the floor and disappeared. 

Apparently we were there for a few days because there was another "scene" where I was in an old beatup pickup with a strange guy...like I could feel he was a friend but I have no idea who he was.  We were driving around a park (looked like City Park) looking for another friend who ran off because of all the weirdness in the house.  When all of a sudden, mid-sentence, something pulled me out of the moving truck threw me up against a giant oak tree.  I was being tossed around like a rag doll.  It hurt.  I was terrified because I had no control.  I couldn't escape. Then my "friend" suddenly looked like this famous-ish actor guy who has a "northern accent" but he was dressed like a priest.  He freed me somehow and said "run".  Stop laughing, my subconscious is clearly on crack and is also combining his shows. 

At some point we ended up back at the plantation.  It jumps around quite a bit.  Then we were back in our room.  My two friends slept in the room with us because they were scared.  I was attacked again, except this time it looked like effing Twisty from AHS and I was losing my gd mind.  Thankfully they could see him this time and were also losing their minds.  We could hear this one. Like the grunting, growling and laughing muffled by a mask as he attacked (creeptastic!).  Eventually he got frustrated because his stabbing wasn't actually hurting me and flashed out of existence.  We didn't sleep much and then it was morning.  I was in the bathroom brushing my teeth...with my grandfather.  It was weird because he was standing next to me like he used to when I was younger and well he could actually stand....it was also weird because why were we in the bathroom together (do not Freud me). Anyway, I eventually climbed back in bed with my husband and we were alone (Thank God).  Apparently it was time for fun time.  Don't judge, it has been like a week and my brain is trying to compensate :P  While we were getting started I felt something on the bed behind me.  Then I felt a finger touch my cheek push in slightly and drag down my face.  Not aggressively, actually a bit kind and familiar. 

I jerked out of the dream (which hurt like a mo-fo by the way).  I was breathing heavy, I was shaking, I was terrified, and I could still feel the finger on my face, WTF.  I forced myself to roll over thinking it had to have been my husband.  He was facing the other way and was out cold.  I was absolutely scared out of my mind.  I just knew something touched me.  So I snuggled up to him and he thankfully put his arm around me...I eventually fell back asleep.

This morning he said it was probably a cat touching my face....but a cat paw does not feel like a flipping finger.  Sorry but whatever happened last night freaked me the eff out!  I am going to have nightmares about my nightmare...

Hey Doc, it hurts when I move...

...well dear, don't move. *face palm*

Easier said than done.  In case you were wondering it is nearly impossible to NOT use your abdominal muscles.  I mean you can try to be a human blob but EVERYTHING requires your core...including breathing (and peeing)!

So I had this thing done to help with other things...and now I am wondering what the F**K I was thinking because now I am in a constant state of OOOOWWWWW.   

It's been almost a week.  I was told to "take it easy" for a few days, don't use the abs but then I could go back to most of my routine just no heavy lifting or sexy time.  Ooooookkkkkaaaaayyyyy, easy peasy right...WRONG! So, so wrong and people just don't seem to understand my issues.

1.  I look like death.  I am pale and bruised.  Pale because God only knows.  Bruised from all the flipping needles.  Shots, IVs, taking blood (TWICE)...take your pick. 

2.  Every movement requires conscious thought.  I rolled on my side in my sleep the other night and woke myself up moaning in pain.  

3.  The doc only said a few days with limited activity so no one seems sympathetic to my whole moving hurts mantra...or the if you touch me I will punch you then writhe in pain because punching requires ab use.  Yes a few days to be a blob but the recovery is 4-6 weeks!!!  So get that through your head people, I may be moving but I am not okay.  I am very, very far from okay. 

4.  My insides feel like they were scrapped with a dull blade.  Because they WERE!  Okay maybe not a dull blade...maybe a laser BUT it still effing hurts, okay?!?!

5.  I coughed yesterday and thought I was going to die.  I was like this is it, I am going to rupture something because I have a tickle in my throat.  Goodbye cruel world. 

6.  Today I sneezed and I thought my uterus came out of my belly button.  Hmmm that can't be normal. Oh well, lets take another pain pill *manic laughter*.

7.  3 days after it I needed a shower (and was allowed to take one), "cat baths" weren't working.   I had no help.  I got the "well what do you want me to do bathe you?" Um actually yes that would be great seeing as MOVING effing hurts!  Whatever, what doesn't kill me makes me stronger and also makes me want to nut punch you so you are in an equal amount of pain.

8.  5 days after the thing I had a sharp pain.  Like I was stabbed, repeatedly in the same spot.  Sitting, I was good.  Standing, laying flat and breathing, FML.  I burst into tears because I just didn't want to hurt anymore.  Do you know what I got...ZERO sympathy.  I mean absolutely none.  I got a "you should be extra careful driving to work".  Um what?  "If it gets worse call the doctor".  Well DUH!  Can't I get a little sympathy?!?!  I am not a needy person but a "there, there" would have been AMAZING!  By the way, it is trapped air.  Not gas...air trapped in my abdomen that has no where to go.  I have to wait for my body to "re-absorb" it...YAY :P

9.  Ya know what, F**k all you people.  God help me if I need a c-section for any future kids...I may have to ask my mom to move in until I am recovered.  She seems to be the only one that "gets it".
      a. If I hear one more, "what do you mean walking is uncomfortable" or "its just walking, how 
         bad can it be?" I may go postal.  This is not my hubs by the way.

10.  My poor animals are so confused.  They don't understand why mommy wont let them near her.  I mean, I go all ninja on them if one even looks like they may want to touch me, which by the way requires a quick motion and usually ends with my writhing in pain. The little cat wanted to play the night of the thing and decided the best way to get my attention was to bonsai off the back of the couch onto my stomach.  To say I screamed is an understatement.  She ran and I didn't see her again for almost two days.  Now they both carefully touch me to let me know they want to cuddle.  Smart little boogers. 

Anyway, the thing is I blame the peeps that spoke to my "caregiver" after the thing.  I was out of it...I remember very little.  They were great, don't get me wrong, I just don't think they quite explained what was going to happen very well.  Yes, I needed to lay low for a few days and he got that but for weeks after I was going to be recovering.  Meaning I can't do what I normally do.  Not just "heavy lifting" and no "sexy time".  It should have been more, "trust your body.  If it feels wrong, don't do it."  Which I swear I heard someone say but I can't recall.  I really can't be active...my insides are still healing and I am constantly exhausted.   If I do too much too fast, I'll be worse for wear.  So yes, that includes cutting up a veggie and putting it in the microwave.  It hurt a$$hole.  I am not being whiny!  Using my abs hurts and unfortunately that includes almost everything at the moment, including BREATHING. 

P.S. Thank God I have a semi high tolerance for pain.  I'd be drugged 24/7 otherwise. 

What is wrong with people?!?!

Isn't it illegal to mess with someones mail?!?!  Regardless if it is a piece of junk, if it isn't addressed to you, you probably shouldn't touch it.  I know we all get junk mail for people that previously lived in our homes and we toss it, whatever.  But if it looks important I ALWAYS write "Return to Sender" with an arrow to the person's name saying "no longer lives here" or "wrong address".

Ok that is my remedy for misplaced mail.  My real rant is about messing with someone else's mail...like from their mailbox!  I am so over people thinking its okay to "check out" what other people have in their mailbox.  I've caught teens looking in my neighbors mail boxes, stopping when they saw me out front.  I called the police and let them know what I saw and they sent out extra patrols to the area.  Not long after that I had someone take a UPS delivery from under my carport.  Like signed for it and everything! So I started having all shipped packages sent to my office.

Well now what do I do with mailed items???  Do I pay for a PO Box???  That's bullshit!  Why do I have to do that?!?!  Why can't people keep their grubby fingers off my mail?!?!!?  It's amazing!  I get everything at my address.  I've NEVER had "undeliverable" issues but lately, lately certain things keep coming up as "undeliverable as addressed".  Not everything...that's the key!  Its the same sender, some things get to me and some don't.  Things sent in unmarked boxes make it to me just fine.  You know a plain brown box or envelope.  But other things have the product inside marked on the box.  So they say what type of product is inside.  These NEVER MAKE IT TO ME.  All of them say "undeliverable as addressed" when I look up the tracking number.  I only know what the box looks like because I can go to the website and see other users pics of their deliveries.

So you tell me who is taking my stuff???  How can the same company address somethings correctly and others incorrectly???  It makes no sense.  There is no full "return" address, its a shipping warehouse, so it's not going back to the sender...how convenient :P.

So not to sound paranoid but is my mail person stealing my stuff???  I know that's a harsh accusation but I can't figure out any other reason.  If it was delivered and I just never got it, then clearly someone else took it but these always say "undeliverable as addressed".  Its suspect, that's all I am saying.

So heres my thought...STOP STEALING OTHER PEOPLE'S STUFF!!!  I work my ass off to have what I have, I am part of programs and get things for free because I give my honest opinion of said products, you can easily do the same.  Stop taking my things, you are a jerk! I was home the day the thing said "undeliverable".  I got mail that day!!! So why in the world would that one thing not be delivered?!!?!?!?!?

Now I want to become a hermit, dig a moat, electrify said moat and get a pet tiger

I just read an article "Things a burglar wont tell you".  I was thinking "yay tips on how to better safeguard my house" but...now...I am...seriously do people really do some of these?!!?!?!?  I think it should be more aptly titled "quit making yourself a target" or "how to scare people into being responsible homeowners" or "live in fear of those who shall rob you".  I did not come up with this list.  It is at the link listed above but I feel like I should comment on some things.  Also, it lists all this stuff you shouldn't do but doesn't really give you solutions.  Its like don't put your shit in one place...ok so where is the best place.  But I guess if they put that there, then the would be thieves would know and then it wouldn't work.

1.) "Even if you are home, I'll still try to break in" - great...I mean I knew this.  Someone did try to kick my door in while I was watching TV in my living room.  But reading it just makes me paranoid.

2.) "You might have noticed a strange vehicle driving around your neighborhood lately."- Um you see this you CALL THE COPS!  You don't say "oh maybe they are lost".  If you have a gut feeling they are up to no good, you be a good citizen and REPORT IT!  Don't go willy nilly, the cops do need to be crime fighting or whatever BUT at the very least they may send extra patrols to your 'hood. 

3.) "You might recognize me. I was at your house before, making a delivery or asking for directions." - Sooooooo, what should I never order takeout again for fear that the cute young man who showed up at my door may try to rob me blind?!?!  Seriously the only point to this point is to elicit fear.  You cannot control who comes to your door...well in the case of takeout you can but aside from that.

4.) "Thanks for letting me into your home to use your telephone or bathroom. I got a good view of the place, and I unlocked a window while I was in there." - Do people still do this?!?  I let no one into my home.  If they ask to use the phone I bring it outside to them.  If they ask to use the bathroom I apologize and say no but direct them to the convenience store a few blocks away.  The only strangers I ALMOST allowed in were Jehovah's Witnesses and honestly I was messing with them (I am totally going to hell for this).  They asked if I had a minute to talk about *insert something about God/Jesus*.  To which I replied sure, as long as I can talk to you about the dark lord (I was speaking of Voldemort by the way).  Apparently they are not Harry Potter fans.  What's funny is they came back and I answered the door with Convict snarling between my legs...I have not seen them since *muahahahaha*.

5.) "Your alarm company made it easier for me to see whether the system is activated or not by installing the control panel in plain sight." - I'm sorry what?!?  Sooooo then what are we supposed to do to remedy this????  Where do we put it?

6.) "I'm glad you didn't bother setting the alarm while you made a quick trip to the store. I only need about 15 minutes anyway." - This is just dumb!  It takes less than a minute to set the friggin alarm.  SET IT!

7.) "I'm also glad you chose a silent alarm. It won't worry the neighbors, and I should still have time to get in and out before the police arrive." - This exists outside of banks??? Why would you do that?!  Isn't the point of a home alarm to scare the $hit out of a would be burglar???

8.) "Did you really think a fake security sign in the yard would fool me? Oldest trick in the book." - Ooooook, so should you not put a sign at all...?  I mean how exactly do they know which houses have the alarm?

9.) "Maybe it wasn't the best move to choose a dog over an alarm. Fido sure seems to like the treats in my pocket." - How about both, yes both is good.  And ya know my dogs are "nice" at times but I can almost guarantee if you step foot inside you will be mauled...then the dogs will find the treats in your pocket which may end in the inability for you to have children.  Just saying.  

10.) "Thanks for not installing a motion detector light outside. Darkness makes it a lot easier to sneak inside undetected." - what if you leave the outside lights on???  Does that nullify this statement? Because I think that could be a really good "solution" to this problem.

11.) "Lucky for me, home safes usually aren't bolted down or built into walls. So I can take it with me and deal with cracking into it later." - I actually told my husband this.  Unless you plan on bolting it to the floor, it is pointless. Well it will keep important stuff safe in a fire but thats about it.

12.) "Kitchens, living rooms and master bedrooms are the first places I look for valuables. Under mattresses, inside dresser drawers and closets are where I find the jackpot." - Alright, so are you telling me to put my valuables in the toilet reservoir?  I mean I can't keep them in any major rooms or in a safe sooooo its either the toilet or in the attic.  But I don't fancy going into the attic every time I want my pearls or need a $20.  What is a solution?!?!?!

13.) "Thanks for leaving your expensive cellphone or watch in plain sight." - Its my house...where am I supposed to leave it.  

14.) "Your childrens' nice toys in the yard tip me off that there might be an expensive gaming system inside." - I've also heard this said about throwing out boxes after you buy something.  So I can't have nice things because I have to worry about attracting the wrong type of attention???  This sounds eerily like when men tell women not to dress sexy because then they are asking to be raped.  So what do I do besides try to not let people know what I buy.

15.) "Creatures of habit make the best targets. The same routine lets me know when you'll be home or away." - How do you change this?!!??  Unfortunately most of us have M-F schedules where we have to be at work and leave at the same time.  

I just...while some tips are helpful (there were others, I didn't list all of them here) many just annoyed me.  Ok so creatures of habit right.  I can't change it so now do I live in fear that I am being targeted by a crook because I have a 9-5 job???  Again, this list did little more that elicit fear because its telling you about things that make you a target but you can't really do anything to change them.