Seriously 2016 has been the worst in some ways

I know we are at that age when our idols are aging and dying.  I get that but WTF again two over the course of a few days.

So right before Christmas Carrie Fischer suffers a massive heart attack.  I was heartbroken.  She is Princess Leia...she can't die.  Not yet!  They said she was stable, so fingers crossed, right...?

Then Merry Christmas...George Michael died. While he wasn't a super idol of mine, I was still sad.  He wasn't that old.  And he was an amazing artist.  He was only 53...

Thinking we were in the home stretch we received the blow we all hoped wouldn't happen.  Carrie passed on 12/27 due to complications from the heart attack.  I think I legit screamed "Nooooooooo!".  She wasn't just Princess Leia, she was so many other things, and she was a very strong mental health advocate.  She had issues and wasn't scared to talk about it to help others.   And from what I understand she was awesome to meet.  She made sure to make each meet and greet/photo op/whatever personable.  Yea she was in her 60's and had a rough life but she was too good to be taken so soon.

So yea this year has kinda sucks for celebrity deaths....

UPDATE - Are you f**king kidding me?!?!?!  Debbie Reynolds has passed away from a massive stroke.  Just one day after her daughter died...that poor family!  Seriously 2016 can eat a d**k!

YASSSSS! That beat up minivan with the mismatched paint really turns me on!!!!

I just have a question...in the history of driving has this ever worked?

Girl: *Driving along singing*
Boy: *pulls up next to girls vehicle*
Girl: *glances over because someone is pacing her doing 75MPH down the interstate*
Boy: Heeeeeeey gurl heeeeeeeeeeeey *saucy wink*
Girl: WTF?!? *looks ahead trying to ignore him*
*traffic slows down to an almost stop*
Boy: I said hey chica!  *honk honk*
Girl: *speeds up as much as she can*
Boy: *speeds up* Jew are one hot mami
Girl: *ignoring you*
Boy: Can I get your number?
Girl: *floors it and exits the interstate*

Seriously, does this ever work?!!?!?  Was there a point where a girl was like "Ay papi, let me STOP ON I10 and give you my number"??? 

Not only is that just weird and CREEPY but its dangerous.  He was looking at me...not the road.   The only reason he knew to stop was because I was slowing down.  I am over 30 and I can tell you with 100% certainty that this has NEVER worked on me.  I may have teased a bit when I was younger because I was clearly having a temporary lack of intelligence but I never stopped or gave anyone my number.  Also, once that one guy tried to literally run me off the road to get me to stop at like 11PM, I decided NEVER making Eye Contact was probably safer. 

Holy homophobia Batman!

Okay that sounds ten kinds of awful but it was the first thing that popped in my head. 

Its Christmas, right?  A time for peace on earth and good will towards men.  Its a time when being a decent human being SHOULD come more naturally.  Its a time of acceptance and love.  Or its a time to be a total c**t and say horrible things.  Yea I definitely remember learning that last one in my religion classes. 

Me: Ugh I hate Walmart! Sooooo many people *blah*
Person 1: Well don't go to the one on *insert specific location* its full of gay people!!!!
Me: *blank stare*
Person 2: *judging stare* Well that doesn't bother me....
Me: Me neither....
Person 1: No, you don't understand they are like openly gay in that store!!!!
Me:  I mean are they f**king in aisles?  Or groping each other inappropriately...?
Person 2: What happened?
Person 1:  I was there with my Aunt and two BOYS went walking by holding hands and being realtionship-y
Me: *confused* and...?
Person 1: and...?!?  And its like they think its okay!
Person 2: *horrified expression* 
Me: I'm pretty sure it is okay....  But if you don't like seeing that then go to one of the other 10 locations in the area.  I mean did they do or say anything to y'all...?
**At this point I am trying not to start an argument but I am getting annoyed**
Person 1: YES!  
Me & Person 2: Oh...what happened?
Person 1:  *very matter of fact* They were buying Christmas presents and decorations.  They are gay, they can't celebrate Christmas.

Me: Says who...? Hold up, aren't you Catholic?  Aren't you taught to accept everyone?  Love thy neighbor and whatnot. 
Person 2: Didn't you have an affair?  I think that means YOU can't celebrate Christmas.  
Person 1: *shocked expression*

Me: *oh $hit* Um, Merry Christmas....?
Person 1: f**k both of you f*g lovers!  *walks away*
Me:  *jaw drop* I'm pretty sure she can't say that......I'm offended.
Person 2: *laughing* I am too.

This is almost word for word!  I know people are @$$holes but holy $hit!!! I guess I don't usually surround myself with such awful people so this shocked me a bit. Talk about being in the Christmas spirit. 

These were basically my expressions...

Is 5'1" really that short...?

Okay I know I am shorter than average.  Although recently I seem taller...maybe better posture from running.  Who knows.  Anyways last I was measured, I was 5'1" - ish.  Lately, I am really starting to feel insanely short.


1)  Went to a Movie Tavern to see Rogue One.  My feet didn't reach the floor!  I could swing my legs without consciously lifting my feet.  WTH?!?!

2)  Went to use the potty at a new restaurant.  My feet didn't reach the f**king floor.  I felt like a kid learning how to pee pee on the potty!  Did I drink the drink from Alice in Wonderland?!?!

3) Went to Godiva for some gifts.  Two amazonian women walked in.  I legit came up to their shoulders.  And they were in flats.  They stepped on me twice each.  After the last time the older lady, with a Russian accent (I think) said, "I am so serry, you are jest so tiny".  Ummmm thanks...?

4)  I got put in the front with the kids at a Christmas display because I was staring into the back of someones shoulder and the people around me felt bad....

 

5)  My friend is just shy of 5'9" and I take two steps to her one.  Running together is...interesting.

6)  People joke that the seat cushion in my car that I have to keep me from getting a back ache is there so I can see over the steering wheel.....and truthfully when I don't sit on it, I do feel like I can't see over the steering wheel. 

7)  I tried to drive my friends 4x4...I had to move the steering wheel down...and still only just saw over the dash....

8)  I actually got stopped and sort of measured for a ride...like they looked at me real hard, then let me pass.  I think its because my brother in law is so f**king tall I look like a kid next to him....

9) When I wear heels it trips people out because I am suddenly near eye level

10) I am perpetually used as an arm rest

11)  I have to climb on the counters to reach the top shelves when I am cooking or shopping

12)  I don't own a pair of pants or leggins that aren't at least 2"-3" too long. . . . .

BONUS:  When I get angry people think its "cute"

NOTE - I'm not complaining really, I just think its funny because I never thought 5'1" was THAT short....

Life is like a hurricane here in Duckburg....Race cars, lasers, aeroplanes, it's a duck-blur!

Okay okay okay.  So clearly I am on a nostalgia kick.  But I can NOT be the only over 30 y/o that remembers coming home from school and watching Darkwing Duck, Goof Troop, Tale Spin, and *ahem* DUCK TALES...a whoohoo!  Hahahaha.  No but for real that was like my after school schedule.  Come home, get snack, watch said shows while doing homework, etc.  I can still sing ALL of the f**king theme songs!

Anyways, I was browsing and saw "Disney Duck Tales Revival".  What?!?!?  Don't f**k it up man!  That is my childhood there...handle with care.  Then I saw there was a video... "All-New "DuckTales" Cast Sings Original Theme Song"...awwwww lets watch it. 

So it begins and I am singing my little heart out when...

"Tales of daring do bad and good Luck Tales! 
D-d-d danger...holy $hit is that David Tennant?!?!"

Then I see Scrooge McDuck.  Ahhhhhhhhhhhhhh!  Are you kidding me, *pahahahaha*?!?!  No way...  I mean I might watch it because think about it, Duck Tales or the news...eh the news sucks, we need more Huey, Dewey, and Louie!!!

Anyways, I finished singing the Theme Song because it made me happy...yay for nostalgia!!!

UPDATE - I've been singing the damn theme song for 24 hours.  Make it stop!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

How can you be in your 30's and not have watched any 90's cartoons?!?!?!?

Okay some newer cartoons are fun but the old ones man...those are the best...maybe because as an adult I catch things and go "oh my god!".  So many hidden things that my little child brain didn't quite grasp.

Animaniacs and Tiny Toon Adventures were pretty famous for that.  Then you had the "older teen" cartoons like Beavis & Butthead and Ren & Stimpy.  But don't forget Courage the Cowardly Dog and Rocko's Modern Life.  Soooooo many to choose from.

So I am not actually gonna reference a "dirty" reference today but just one that makes me and my friends giggle.  Way back when, when we were younger there was a scene in one of the above mentioned TV Shows.  My group references it fairly often as a joke so it almost comes as second nature now.

We were at a thing and one of the little ones kept getting 'dirty' so their mom kept wiping their hands/face off.  To the point where we were like "dude just leave it, they are fine".  At one point mom did it like 4 times in a row.  Kid picked up chalk, mom wiped off hands.  Kid picked up chips, mom wiped off hands. Kid picked up other kids toy, mom wiped off hands.  Look I get it you don't want the little one sick but good lord!  Anyways, at one point she was doing this and I said *sounding like Woody Allen* "Turn the page, wash your hands.  Turn the page, wash your hands."

Only one person got it and it was my relative because we watched the show together.  We were giggling like idiots and everyone else was like "WTF...?".  So I said:
 

"Its Filbert".
*blank stares*.   
"You know the turtle dude from Rocko's Modern Life..." 
*confused stares*.
"OMG y'all come on! Rocko...the Wallaby...came on Nickelodeon..."   
*You are weird stares*

Seriously?! Showed the below:

The kids mom "Oh, that show was dumb, I never watched it".

You're dumb...this show was comedic gold. 

So I am only "right" if I agree with you....

Apparently me running all these race things is inspirational UNTIL it "interferes" with family time. 

Okay so I run...I think I've made that clear.  I've done 1/2 marathons in the past but I haven't done one in about 5 years.  I was going to do one in October but I fell and bruised my ribs a few days before soooooo yea that didn't happen.  But I am doing one soon...my 1st one in FIVE YEARS!  I signed up back in like May...it helped with motivation to work out...of course I've been slacking since I fell...I may die...DOH!

Anyways, my fam has been all "OMG that is so awesome!" or "We are so proud of you all, that is such an accomplishment" or whatever.   But this time there is a "family" fitness thing happening at the same time.  Since I run it was assumed I would attend this thing.  Well I can't because I am running a f**king half!  But apparently someone is "so disappointed in me that I would choose to run a half instead of doing the family thing".  Seriously?!?!  I signed up in MAY!  Its a f**king HALF MARATHON!  I will see all y'all a gazillion times over the holidays.  Not to mention halfs are not exactly cheap so yea no I will not just not run it. 

Apparently this "I didn't get my way so I am going to be an @$$hole" thing doesn't end with toddlers. 

Talk about an awesome support team *rolling eyes*...People suck!

Because your insides will fall out, that is why!!!!!

"I'll take things my neighbor's have been hearing me scream for $1000, Alex"

Right, so we have a puppy.  Like a baby...well she was a baby when we got her...now she is..actually she is still a baby.  Anyways, she is old enough to be fixed so we did that...you know responsible pet owners and whatnot. 

Vet: Keep her calm.  No running, jumping, playing for 7 days
Me to Vet: Okay
Me in my head: how the f**k do you keep a lab/beagle puppy calm for 7 days?!?!?
Vet: Don't let her get at the incision
Me to Vet: Um...I need a cone then because she's crazy.
Vet: Don't get her wet
Me to Vet: Okay
Me in my head: What is she a f**king gremlin...also SE LA...its always WET!

We get home...she immediately jumps on the couch...AHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHH no no no no no!!!!

So the cone of shame is going over so well...like she's not running in reverse trying to get away from it while screaming like a tortured baby.  No...not her...NEVER!

So we go get her a neck brace looking thing that is inflated.   Now she just looks like she wants to go swimming and is no longer screaming.  Score 1 for mom and dad. 

Not her but close

Over the course of 6 days:
She played
She ran
She jumped off the back of the f**king couch
And she was fine.  *whew*

We tried...she is just f**king crazy!  And we still have Speedy sooooo yea.  She needs a sedative!

The evening of day 6 (AFTER VET HOURS).  She somehow pops the neck brace...but its subtle so we can't tell. We realize it looks funny but its too late.  She managed to lick her incision.  She laid on her back and the two pieces of skin were gaping down the length of the whole incision.  Thank GOD she is mostly healed so it wasn't bleeding.  So I call the Em Vet and she's like I'm sure its fine.  Bring her in, I won't charge you to look at it. 

We get there "Ummmm I'm glad you brought her, we need to glue that back up".  

She didn't want to to sedate her again so a vet tech and my self restrained the INSANE pup while the Doc cleaned it, put antibiotics on it, and glued her back together.  Her new nickname is Humpty Dumpty.  

Meanwhile she literally screamed.  I've never heard a dog f**king scream but she did.  And then all 25 lbs of her kicked out one leg and threw a 4ft trash can across the room.  WTF dog. 

She's fine.  Back in the Cone and looking like a perpetually pissed off lampshade...

But she's fine.  Well except she is now in the cone for 5-7 more days...GREAT!

You can't lie when it's in writing!!!

People are f**king stupid.  I hate liars.  I especially hate people who try to cover their own @$$es by throwing others under the bus.  F**k you b**ch I have it in writing.  And I will bury you if you f**king lie!

Just because you didn't CC your boss on your response that was 5.5 hours LATE doesn't mean I wont forward that email to said boss when he tries to blame me for your F**K up.  I am customer oriented and try not to get people in trouble but if you mess with me I will "loud cap" you via email.  If you don't want to look like a f**ktard in front of the 15 people you cc'd trying to make it look like my problem maybe you should do your job or at the very least take responsibility for YOUR f**k up.

Rant Over...I hate PEOPLE!

I don't think that means what you think that means.........

I hate shopping.  With a passion.  I mean I will do a girls trip or whatever but If you give me the option of "go to the mall" or "sit on my couch and order from Amazon", I am picking option two. The problem is option two means making sure things are ordered far enough in advance to get to me BEFORE Christmas. 

Also, browsing the mall rarely gets me ideas.  But browsing online, I seem to suddenly remember my possibly future sis in law LOVES Harry Potter therefore I should buy her something from the Harry Potter Universe.  So I found this super cool replica of Newt's scarf from Fantastic Beasts.  OMG she saw it four times in the theater...I think she'll love this!  Score it says "guaranteed before Christmas".

So I go through the whole process and am about to hit "submit order" when I notice some very small print.  "Should ship between December 29th and February 20th" Wait...what?!?  

But...but it said Guaranteed before Christmas... I mean are we talking about his possible real birthday because last I checked Christmas was not sometime between 12/29 & 2/20.....Did they mean 12:29AM and 2:20AM...like it'll ship tomorrow morning...?  I am so confused!!!!!!!!!

Well f**k you then....guess I'll find another PERFECT gift for her!

Santa...Baby........???

Right, so its that time of year...Holiday parties!!! We have work parties and friend parties and of course family parties.  What's the common denominator at all these parties...?  It is Santa!  Okay its usually alcohol BUT 9 times out of 10 its Santa also! 

So I was at one of these parties and sure enough Santa walked up in there.  He was a good Santa too.  He had the real hair, real beard, and real belly!  Very realistic.  It was so cute.  The second he walked in all the kids were like Buddy, ready to tell him what they wanted for Christmas.  He was great!  He was ho ho ho-ing and handing out candy canes and just having a wonderful time. 

After a while he popped up behind myself and my friend.  We were talking and didn't know who was behind us. 

Santa: *putting his arms around us* ho ho hooooooooooo!!!!
Us: *giggling* hi Santa!
Santa: Have you been good this year?!?
Us: *dying laughing* yes
Santa: *very loudly* I know you've been good!  *whisper* but you're even better when you're bad *wink* ho ho hoooooo!
Us: *blank stare*
Santa:  *whisper* Oh don't look so shocked *walking away* ho ho ho
Us: Holy $hit Santa is a dirty old man!

"Maybe he been drink de win from de blackberry...On secon' t'ought maybe he lap up de sherry."  

In all seriousness it was f**king hilarious and he was totally harmless but it was still a bit, uh, shocking...and highly inappropriate.  Clearly he was trying to be funny...I hope.

In other news if you've never read/listened to "Cajun Night Before Christmas", do yourself a favor and read/listen to it!  (that's what that quote is from) It is our holiday tradition that my dad read this to us.  I LOVE it!

I have questions....

So the other day I was looking for some nerd holiday stuff to nerd of my Christmas decor.  Today I got an email from Amazon saying one of the items I was browsing dropped in price...SWEET!  So I went look (and bought) but that isn't why I have questions.  I scrolled down to see what else was usually bought with this and saw....

I was expecting...well not that...maybe other Whovian stuff...or at least sci-fi type items....at the very least Christmas stuff...

I mean okay maybe I'll give you the "Exploding Kittens"...maybe... but the knife sharpener?!?!  *singing* One of these things is not like the others... I really want to know how they came up with this.  I feel like ONE person bought all three items and Amazon was like *BAM* "frequently bought together".  I mean I hope that is the case. If multiple persons purchased these exact items together...I'm concerned.