I thought Mardi Gras Parades were over

So maybe giving up alcohol for Lent opened my third eye or something....

Sorry this has been a dream diary lately but these are just too weird. 

This is a short one but it bled into another dream....then..another.... but I'll make 3 posts so it's not too long. 

We were on the Avenue all day. Ladders set up, chairs galore, beads a flying. My co-workers were in town or lived here...I am not sure. The only one I remember for sure was my "mini me".  We have a similar build, blonde hair, short, love the same things...but she is like 28 hahaha. 

Anyways she had her dog with her in in the ladder seat like a kid (no judgement).  But he didn't look like her dog.  He was smaller and only blonde hair not black and blonde.  He didn't want to be in the ladder and kept getting down and going across the street.  It was freaking me out because FLOATS but he was listening and would sit and watch the bands and floats and then come back for a visit then go back.  

I had a horrible feeling about the whole thing but no one else seemed to be concerned.  At one point he looked at us as a band was going by and started to cross.  We yelled no no sit! And he did but he started to walked again right after and we yelled no because the band vehicle was coming.  So he sat and then the band truck started veering towards the crowd for no apparent reason, right towards him and.... lets just say I remember screaming a lot and knew it was bad.  

I jumped off my ladder and ran across the street.  I saw someone pick him up.  People weren't letting me through.  I was yelling I'm friends with his owner.  I don't remember seeing him but I know I looked and he was gone.  

I was crying thinking how am I going to tell her.  I kept saying this wasn't supposed to happen.  We were having fun.  I told her what happened from the ground and she started wailing crying.  I started screaming this wasn't supposed to happen make it rewind.  Make it go back.  I know you can make it go back.  Please just rewind just a little.  Give me a chance to save him. He wasn't supposed to die here.  

I was concentrating REALLY hard....and...it happened.  The dream rewound.  I was back on the ladder, it hadn't happened yet.  But the ladder was suddenly...sentient (WTF).  Picture the brooms in Fantasia but a ladder.  It was "walking" around to get me the best view of the floats.  I was freaking out because I had no control.  Then it was the moment before he was hit.  I jumped off the ladder and ran across the street.  I grabbed him before the vehicle got to him and ran back across the street. 

I handed him to my friend and said you have to keep him in the seat, so she leashed him.  Then lightning streaked across the sky.  It was purple.  The wind picked up.  I was in the middle of the street and the parade was gone but the crowd was still there.  I heard something say I broke the rules. I remember standing next to an overflowing trash can with bright headlights (?) shining on me. 

This is where it ended I think......

They missed a GOLDEN opportunity!!!

Golden Retriever gave birth to a rare green puppy

Link

He/she was born GREEN.  Not like the Hulk that becomes green...not like Kermit who is a f**king frog.  He/she is a dog that was BORN green.  Remind you of anyone?!?!  Anyone...at....all...?  Come on...I'll give you a hint "Would it be all right by you...If I de-greenified yooooooou?"






ELPHABA!!!!  I would have named that puppy Elphaba so freaking fast!  I know he/she won't stay green forever but still!

Apparently its just a rare phenomenon, "veterinarians think the cause is exposure to biliverdin, a green bile pigment found in the placenta, which can stain a pup's coat when mixed with the mom's amniotic fluid."

So pretty soon the green pup will be golden like his/her brothers and sisters but for one hot minute he/she was the coolest pup around.  "Its not easy being green".  

Because your insides will fall out, that is why!!!!!

"I'll take things my neighbor's have been hearing me scream for $1000, Alex"

Right, so we have a puppy.  Like a baby...well she was a baby when we got her...now she is..actually she is still a baby.  Anyways, she is old enough to be fixed so we did that...you know responsible pet owners and whatnot. 

Vet: Keep her calm.  No running, jumping, playing for 7 days
Me to Vet: Okay
Me in my head: how the f**k do you keep a lab/beagle puppy calm for 7 days?!?!?
Vet: Don't let her get at the incision
Me to Vet: Um...I need a cone then because she's crazy.
Vet: Don't get her wet
Me to Vet: Okay
Me in my head: What is she a f**king gremlin...also SE LA...its always WET!

We get home...she immediately jumps on the couch...AHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHH no no no no no!!!!

So the cone of shame is going over so well...like she's not running in reverse trying to get away from it while screaming like a tortured baby.  No...not her...NEVER!

So we go get her a neck brace looking thing that is inflated.   Now she just looks like she wants to go swimming and is no longer screaming.  Score 1 for mom and dad. 

Not her but close

Over the course of 6 days:
She played
She ran
She jumped off the back of the f**king couch
And she was fine.  *whew*

We tried...she is just f**king crazy!  And we still have Speedy sooooo yea.  She needs a sedative!

The evening of day 6 (AFTER VET HOURS).  She somehow pops the neck brace...but its subtle so we can't tell. We realize it looks funny but its too late.  She managed to lick her incision.  She laid on her back and the two pieces of skin were gaping down the length of the whole incision.  Thank GOD she is mostly healed so it wasn't bleeding.  So I call the Em Vet and she's like I'm sure its fine.  Bring her in, I won't charge you to look at it. 

We get there "Ummmm I'm glad you brought her, we need to glue that back up".  

She didn't want to to sedate her again so a vet tech and my self restrained the INSANE pup while the Doc cleaned it, put antibiotics on it, and glued her back together.  Her new nickname is Humpty Dumpty.  

Meanwhile she literally screamed.  I've never heard a dog f**king scream but she did.  And then all 25 lbs of her kicked out one leg and threw a 4ft trash can across the room.  WTF dog. 

She's fine.  Back in the Cone and looking like a perpetually pissed off lampshade...

But she's fine.  Well except she is now in the cone for 5-7 more days...GREAT!

I think my puppy has Turrets

I am being silly, I have a cousin with Turrets and know how the tics work and how rough it can be for them.  But for ease of reference, I am referring to the Hollywood, "comedic" Turrets that has shown up in movies, like the below, both of which are accepted by their friends/new friends who help them with the quirks.

This scene from one of my all time favs, Boondock Saints! 
NSFW - It has cursing!

And this scene from Deuce Bigalow
NSFW - LOTS OF CURSING!

Why my puppy you might ask?  Well he does this thing.  At first I thought it was a "he's sleeping and a dream woke him up" thing but now I am not so sure.  And it's not like a "Mom mom mom I heard something", it almost seems involuntary.

For example, the other night he was just sitting in the middle of the living room playing, then he barked REALLY loud.  He looked startled and the other dog was like, "what's wrong with you!?!?", then he barked twice more (different sounds), he *sighed* and then went back to playing.  Hmmmmm, odd.

Then in the middle of the night (we are talking like 3AM) he wigs out, same kind of barking, *sighs* and goes back to sleep.  Both instances have happened more than once.

So as a joke I said "maybe he has Turrets..." and now me and my hubs substitute his "bark" with curse words.  As in "F**K, @$$", "Nipple bitter, yaih yaih yaih yaih yaih" and the like.  Which is great amusement for me and the hubs but I don't think Speedy is amused.  I am convinced he understands us and is plotting revenge.

I wonder if its possible for an animal to have that kind of thing...?  If its true I now have two animals with possible "quirks".  I have a narcoleptic cat (see this post) and turrets dog....I live in an animal asylum.  But I still love them to bits. 

Opinions are like @$$holes...

...everybody's got one but you shouldn't share it with everyone.

Sorry but while I do agree that everyone has one, I do not agree that you should try to force yours on others.  Not everyone thinks the same...not everyone has the same plan.  What works for me, may not work for you.  That doesn't mean mine is wrong! 

Point being if someone gets a dog you have ZERO right to criticize them.  It is their decision.  And just for the record, it does not change them wanting to have children!!!! How the flipping f**k does that even make sense in your head!?!?!  "Oh you got a puppy...looks like no kids for you." Seriously?!?!? Go suck on a lemon!

I swear if I hear "now you have THREE big dogs but aren't you trying to have kids" one more time I may go postal.  Yes, good observation...THREE...yay, you can count...here's a cookie.  And yes I want a child (may not be possible but that's a whole other issue)...why are these things mutually exclusive???  Can I not have a baby AND have dogs???  Is there some dictation from God saying you can't have a baby as long as you have fur babies???  I didn't get that memo from the Almighty.  Maybe that's why we can't get preggo...damn divine mail service losing my important notices *rolling eyes*. 

I just..it's bad enough there is nothing medically wrong with us and no boo boo...I don't need you getting on my case because I got a bleeping dog.  Be nice to me or I will train his little @$$ to pee on you!!! Just stahp!  If you don't want dogs (cats) in your house, fine but it is MY house.  I pay for it.  I can have a zoo if I want!!! If you don't like it, don't come over!  Oh wait you don't come over anyway because we live outside of your "comfort zone".  Newsflash, living 20 min down I-10 is not that freaking far!!!!! Okay fine, add in traffic and it can be 30 min, whatever!  Other peeps come visit and they live over an hour away!!!  BUT if you are going to be a jerk about my fur babies you can stay home.  It is their home, not yours. 

Also,  dogs + a child (if that happens) does not mean the child will be in danger.  Honestly based on recent observations God help anyone that tries to harm me, my husband or my non-existent kid(s).  They won't have time to scream before two dogs and two cast rip them to shreds while the old man gases them into unconsciousness with his breath.

In other news just because one person has a "bad" experience with a specific breed being destructive doesn't mean mine will be.  We don't even know what he is for certain.  If he is a little jerk we will deal with it, it is called TRAINING, but I am not going to refuse a fur baby because he is of a certain breed.  That is racist...except with dog breeds...that is breedist!!!!

I just feel so attacked lately.  It is like I can't do anything right.  Except there is no right or wrong just someone's opinion on what they think is right for me.  Animals make me happy, buzz off!

UPDATE: OMG perfect timing.  Person called and gave me an earful about the stresses of having kids....my response "I already have kids.  They just happen to have fur and pee outside."

Reasons why some may think I am mental

Also known as things that are said (done) when you get a puppy.

"OMG don't pee on that!"

*standing inside because I have no pants on and it is 2AM* 
"Come on buddy go tee tee."
Speedy stares blankly back at me wanting to come back in.
"Go pee dog!"
*blank stare* 
"God Da....*grumble grumble*"
*walks outside pulling my shirt down to cover my undies*
"bark!"
"No no no NOT playtime, go potty.
*has crack attack around the yard and attacks me every time he passes*
"No...nooooo *runs away, forgetting about the shirt* stop biting my @$$!"
Speedy finally pees and lets himself in while I stand half nakey in the yard dumbfounded.

H: *walks in from work* Why are you sleeping on the floor?
Me: *bleary eyed* So speedy will stop cry....ing...where is he???
H: Look behind you
Me: That little $hit is on the COUCH...sleeping!

"I swear to GOD if you rub your wee wee on me again I am going to lose it!" *ruuuuub* "Ewwwww...*hangs head*"

"Ewwww...ewwww...OMG put that away...put it away!!!"

"Don't eat cat $hit! Bad...no! No, don't lick me, AHHHHHHHHHHHH!"

"Give me back my thong!!!"

"Did you pee?  I think you peed... *on hands and knees sniffing the carpet*".

"You $hit in my shoe...you actually $hit IN my shoe. *sigh*"

*picks up speedy* *runs out door* *speedy is steadily peeing like a f**king fountain*

"Stop licking...stop...no...stop...my lotion only SMELLS like coconuts.  *defeated* Fine...I'll just...I'll just sit here..."

*me using the potty* *speedy barges in* *me almost jumps off toilet* "Did you just lick my @$$?!?! *sigh* get out, please."

Don't get me wrong, we love him dearly!!! And we know he is just a baby and is still learning.  I just think its hilarious the things I am saying (doing)  that I haven't said ever (in forever) since my other dogs are much, much older. 

Puppies are furry children on speed

So we got a puppy, yay!  Well we say yay, the other animals say "WTF!?!?  Are you kidding me??? Bring it back!"  It is like the never ending supply of energy.  "What you mean it's 2AM? I have to pee and now I want to play *weeeeeeee*!!!"  Needless to say are all experiencing a bit of sleep deprivation. 

For the past few weeks Convict walks around complaining.  The second Speedy gets close he jumps up and paces around the house grumbling, barking and growling.  Nothing aggressive, just irritated.  "I am the baby!  I can't believe you brought another dog home!  *argh* it's TOUCHING me!!! This is totally unacceptable!  I don't want a little brother!!!!!!!"

Old Man is remembering his younger years.  Speedy tries to play with him but on the tile his legs slide out from under him, so he just lays down and plays and it is just sad.  He barks and complains too but mostly because he can't play not because he doesn't want to.  Now on the rug he has a better stance so when he gets tired of Speedy's antics he almost easily throws Speedy into the wall which makes him walk away with his tail down, plotting on how to sneak up on grandpa.  "You listen here you little...wait what was I saying...oh look a puppy...hey, don't bite that!"  While the little one is clearly thinking "mom, he smells funny." Which earns us a sideways stare from Old Man.

Old lady cat is just pissed.  She seeks him out just to smack him and growl in his face.  He is 100% NOT scared of her which is hilarious for me.  He corners her which results in noises I didn't know my cat could make.  It sounds like someone is being murdered by a yipping puppy.  "reeeeeehmeow!!! *hiss, hiss* *growl*"  followed by "bark, bark, bark *growl, growl* bark!"  all the while bouncing around like a Mexican jumping bean with his butt up in the air.  I swear I thought WWIII broke out in my living room the other morning.    With her making crazy noises and Convict complaining it was insanity.  Old lady is definitely plotting my death. "You will die a slow and painful death hoomin.  Does not fall asleep."  

Demon spawn on the other hand is just curious.  Now, she wont go by him unless he is sleeping or close to it but when he is out she creeps up real close to investigate.  When he chases her she just calmly scurries up the couch and quietly hisses...nothing like what we hear coming from the other cat.  She perches on the back of the couch and watches him play.  It really is rather cute.  Every once in a while when he is laying down and she comes over I feel like the conversation is:

Speedy: Hey, what are you?!?
Demon: I'm a cat...what.are.you...?
Speedy: I'm a hound dog!!!  We're gonna be best friends!
Demon: I don't have "friends" *saunters away with her tail up*

Bet you didn't realize I owned the cat version of Sherlock Holmes.  It's been interesting to say the least.  Hopefully the other animals adjust to his presence soon and things calm down in our household *yawn* o_O.