So if I plant them do I get my own mini savior...?

Oh my, I might be going to hell for that one. But you laughed, didn't you? *muahahaaha*

What...why...I don't...why...?  And by the way the first time I read it, I read "Jesus promises seed" and was confused.   Also, they look like sun bleached candy corn.  I HATE candy corn *shudder*.  

I don't get the seed thing...  Am I missing something?  Did I forget part of my religious upbringing?  Is it like...so a promise when planted like a seed grows into something beautiful...?  Okay, I can get behind that.   

He made a proclamation to come back after dying for our sins.  Is that the promise?  

Is this a new thing?  I've never seen "scripture candy" before.  Like I know some Easter candies have other meanings related to Easter but this is new to me.  I'm not being a complete jerk I am genuinely curious.  I just don't think I agree with the branding.  If we are going for the "seed" thing why not do something like chocolate covered sunflower seeds or jelly beans.  Those look more like seeds to me.  These just look, unappetizing. 

Also,  I don't know how I feel about saying I ate "Jesus Seeds"...its just...its just WEIRD. 

Happy V Day or something

Alright so I am not a big celebrator of the Valentine's Day.  I mean its fine if you do but I've never been big on it.  It used to driver my High School and College boyfriend's crazy!!!  I appreciated all of their efforts and I always got them SOMETHING but it was just another day to me.  I think it is because my parents were never hardcore Valentine's peeps so I never understood what the hype was about.


Flash forward to now.  Thank doG, I married someone like me.  He thinks it is *meh* too.  We still do something just for the hell of it, like grill or get "fancy" take out.  And by fancy I mean this Mexican restaurant that serves authentic Mexican style food, not the Americanized stuff.  I like that too but this one is so YUMMY!

This year we were low key as usual.  Got some steaks and the "special of the day" lobster tails to cook at home and called it a night.  He got me flowers and my fav wine (not expensive) and I got him non local beer.  We watched the FOX Sunday night line up (soooooo romantic) and it was wonderful!

While I was shopping for our "feast" I saw chocolate covered strawberries.  1/2 dozen for $5, WHAT?!?! That is a STEAL!

Then while we were eating them I saw this one and we laughed so hard I almost lost the treat to my overly curious dog.  "NOOOOOO, chocolate is bad for you!"

Someone got a little TOO excited about V Day. 

Okay MAYBE we are a tad childish but come on!  The others were all perfect little white accent lines and this one looks like...well it looks like when a high school boy is touched by his girlfriend/boyfriend for the first time.  The bakery should have put this one aside as a "fail".  If you don't see what I am talking about, good on you...you do not have a "dirty" mind.  The rest of you, the club meets daily on the Internet.  *muahhahaha*

 

F**k Cancer

I'm fine and my immediate family/friends are fine but someone I haven't thought about in YEARS isn't.  He is a friend of a friend but when he came visit us we became fast friends.  We probably haven't spoken in 10 years but we keep up with each other through our mutual friend.

He is 1 year older than me (soooo YOUNG!).  He was having abdominal pains.  The docs couldn't pin point the source of the pain.  Things like obstruction, twisted bowel, cyst, etc were thrown out.  Then someone took a closer look at an x-ray and saw something hiding behind his other organs.  He went into emergency surgery because of the location and size.  We are hoping it was caught in time and all will be well but I am so scared for him...for his wife...for his young children. 

I haven't really thought about him in a long while so when I heard this news all the crazy college visits came flooding back.  One in particular has me smiling like an idiot.  So everyone was gone for a break/holiday thing.  There were only a few of us left in the area.  I went home to NOLA to visit the fam.  I got a call from my friend saying his BFF from high school flew in on a whim and they were heading to NOLA.  I was like, here's my momma's address pick me up on the way to town. 

I thought my momma was gonna pass out when they showed up at the door.  I come from a VERY Southern/Sheltered/Catholic family.  My friend and his BFF are Middle Eastern.  I saw no issue but apparently all the stereotypes she'd heard came flying to the surface.  Thankfully she just smiled and was super polite.  (she's fine with it now because well, he is just a normal guy) So off we went to show my new buddy the infamous City of New Orleans.  

We had sooooooooooo much fun.  The best part about being a local is seeing the amazement and wonder through a tourist.  A tourist who isn't acting like a jerk-face but embracing all the uniqueness that is NOLA.  What was funny is my friend was BFF's with my then Boyfriend so they were "protecting" me from being hit on.  They learned the best way to do this was to tell everyone I was their SISTER!  You don't understand how funny this was.  People were like "whaaaa...really?!!?" Think about it.  They are both brown skinned with dark hair and dark eyes.  I am light olive complected with blonde hair and green eyes.  It was hilarious!  It was so fun that the joke has stuck around all these years later.  I still get introduced as the "sister" by my friend and its still flipping hilarious because people don't always cover their "shock" well. 

All silly memories aside, I am worried about my brother from another mother...city...COUNTRY but I am hoping it being caught early, they can get him on the road to recovery quickly.  

Apparently I want to be a personal assistant....not sure when that happened...

So I have weird dreams right?  When I take things like NyQuil they get ever more strange.  Usually people dream about being heroes or famous or I dunno something they aspire to.  No not me...I dreamt I was a personal assistant.  But not just to anyone...to a celebrity.  A celebrity...really...WTF?!?!  And not in a "personal" way, just a literal personal assistant.  The problem was I was hired blind.  Meaning I didn't know WHO I would be assisting.  I have never really wanted to be an assistant.  I assist the VP here at my current job but I am not her assistant.  Does that make sense? 

Moving on, so I am hired to be this person's assistant.  I don't know who he is but I did know he is a he, he is married, and he does have kids.  That's all I know.  So I am given all these tasks to take care of BEFORE I meet him.  I was still living in the NOLA area (Hollywood South) but he wasn't here yet or he was and just didn't have time to deal with me or whatever.  Anyways, we only communicated via text or email, never a call. 

So here I am dreaming about weird things like picking up packages, suits ordered at Saks 5th Avenue (way out of my budget), shopping at boutiques (seriously, I don't belong here), prepping an apartment in the Quarter, etc, etc, etc.  By apartment I mean a whole floor that was basically bigger than my house, geesh.  I had one of those lists...what are those lists called that celebrities use when on tour?!!??!  Riders, they are called riders.  Anyways, I had one of those for this person.  So here I am buying the most random things with my CC and being reimbursed...I don't think that's how this works but okay.  I couldn't figure out who I was working for.  They were using a fake name, John Davidson...WTF kind of fake name is that?!?  The list wasn't too over the top.  I mean there were no psycho requests like "no brown M&M's" or whatever that one celeb wanted.  But the things on the list did include kiddie stuff so I assumed little ones were coming also. 

Whomever it was, was so kind in their responses.  Me: "Hey I managed to find those herbal tea blah blah blah's at a specialty store", Them: "Oh wonderful, I appreciate you preparing all of this for me".  Well finally the day came where I was to meet my new employer.  And I was LATE!!!  I was sick (which I actually was at the time of my dream) so I overslept.  I freaked out and my husband was like "it will be fine, I'm sure he'll understand".  So I called the number I'd been texting and a lady answered.  She giggled and said "Mr. Davidson's phone how can I assist you" or something of that nature.  Me thinking "*crap crap crap* I've already been replaced!!!", I explained who I was and why I was calling and apologized profusely.  She immediately said "Oh love, its fine!  This is his wife, you just get here as soon as you can, no rush.  Wait, hold on a tic".  Then I hear a voice in the background say "Everything alright?", wait...I know that voice.  His wife explains what happened and says "Poor dear sounds petrified that you would be angry".  His response, "Does she really think I could hate her after everything she has done to help us?" 

Then I woke up coughing up a lung.  I'm being serious...I coughed so hard my ribs hurt.  Now, I can't say with 100% certainty because I was 100% drugged up on NyQuil but I am 99.9% certain my celebrity boss was *god this is embarrassing*...David Tennant.  Whaaaaaaaaa?!!?!?!?  Why would I dream about that?!?!  Why would he be here?!?!?!  I mean I clearly enjoy his work but that is an ODD dream.  Personal Assistant...RANDOM!  That's it, I am laying off the NyQuil. 

That was not made by a human...it was very not human...have I been abducted?!?!?

So reason number 4,658 why sick people should STAY home!  I am sick...I am home...I am still working...OMG the insanity.  Other persons do not do this and this is why I am SICK!  This is gross....funny but gross so read at your own risk. 

A couple days ago I developed a cough while at work.  Not like a tiny *cough, cough*.  I mean like a *cough, cough*.  Ya know that hollow deep chest cough that makes you sound like you are barking.  Attractive I know.  It was so bad that our boss was like "Hey lil bit, you okay?".  Do I sound okay?!?!!??!  I went home (like a good person does) so as not to infect anyone else who hasn't caught the crud yet. 

Side Note - When I cough or sneeze I do it into my shirt/dress.  It keeps the nastiness contained to me!  Don't use your hands, you touch things with those.  Well I mean its better than nothing.  Your elbow is better but only deflects the spray.  Again, ewwww, I know. 

Well today I woke up sounding worse than I feel.  I actually feel MUCH better but the voice is shot and I am coughing so much more!!!  But its not the hollow cough...its that gross cough.  That, "I smoked for 50 years" cough.  And then it happened.  I was on the phone with a client and I felt the tickle.  The tickle that would let me know I am about to have the mother of all coughing fits.  I held it back trying to finish my conversation but the urge was so strong.  My eyes were watering and my voice kept catching when I spoke.  So I did a tiny *cough* to abate it.  I immediately regretted that decision and wanted to vomit.  

Thankfully the client was still talking so I ran to the bathroom, put the phone on mute, and spit out the creature suddenly invading my mouth.   "*ahhhhhhh* WTF is that?!!?!?"  We've all been sick and had nastiness come out I am sure.  But this was new.  This was clearly alive...maybe...or I'm hallucinating...also possible. Either way, I am pretty sure I "birthed" a baby Blob.   

Husband said all he heard was "*bleh* Whaaaaaaa....ewwwwwwwwwwwwww!!! Does that have fur!!!?!? That CANNOT be normal".  I swear it may have had an "eye". 

I know I know, TMI.... Ewwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwww!  Things that are NEON green should not be produced by my body!!!!!  Apparently, I am wrong...this is normal....  "Some believe that the presence of mucus indicates that there is something wrong with them, but in fact, it is just the natural immune response of the body to various invaders that attack it."  Yea yea I knew that, but NEON green!?!?!?  "Typically, this occurs when the immune system sends white blood cells to the area of infection. These cells contain a green protein, which, when present in large quantities, turn the mucus into a greenish hue."  

It says greenish not NEON green.  Clearly not normal, right?  Husband says I am being silly.  Fine, so not an alien.   Maybe I should lay off the X-Files.  Or watch it more...ya know for science or something.    

 

Want to make a woman go bat-crap crazy on you....tell her she is like her mother AFTER she just complained how bat-crap crazy her mother is....

I am basically chill.  Most things don't get to me.  I am not easily offended.  Everyone gets mad/irritated/upset but I usually handle it in a very mature manner.  But there are times.  Oh there are times when the stars align.  These are bad times.  It usually means I've absorbed too much bull$hit.  I am past full.  One more molecule of bull$hit and it will all come flying back out.  Usually at an unsuspecting person who, in their defense, is used to me being calm and collected not a raging bull. 

Okay so here is why I was "full":

1. I am sick, like got the crud from idiot co-workers who came to work with the Plague and touched all my stuff, oh AND coughed INTO my office without covering their mouths!!!!!

2.  For the past 15 months we have been watching Oil go into the $hitter.  Last month it tanked.  $25 per barrel, what the actual f**K?!!?!?  I mean it rebounded some but this is still bad.  We live in LA...an oil & gas state...people are being laid off...this is NO BUENO

3.  With that knowledge my sig other has STILL been pestering me about a new vehicle.  Well a used vehicle...new to him.  Because he "wants" it.  Oh yea, well I want all sorts of stuff...doesn't mean I am going to just buy them!  Look, I am nice to a point.  "I really don't think that's a wise decision".  "You wont be able to sell your vehicle for what is left on the note".  "Why get ANOTHER note when this one will be paid off in 1 year?!?!" "I might not have a JOB in a few months...".  "FFS just NO!"

4.  Same discussions were had at the end of LAST year regarding a gaming console (that is for both of us *rolling eyes*), a family trip to the most magical place on Earth, and an overpriced gym membership with a CONTRACT.  I nixed those ideas citing FAILING ECONOMY and potential job loss.  I was "vetoed".  And by vetoed I mean he bought them anyway even after I said, bad idea.  It was justified with bonuses, tax refunds, a more than likely promotion, and a but I really want ____.  Yes, lets spend money we don't have YET.  That whole working as a team thing in action *beating head on keyboard* jhakhdfkhsj.

5.  My female parental unit has been driving me up an ever loving wall with BS tech crap.  Look I get it...you weren't "raised" with computers....but NEITHER WAS I technically and I still figured them out.  So if you want my help STOP yelling at me when I try to help.

6. My office is in the process of selling EVERYTHING that we don't need and moving to a smaller location.  It has been "organized" chaos for 3 weeks. 

7.  I'm.a.girl

This is like the unholy aligning of everything awful.  I've managed so far.  I haven't lashed out.  I've taken everything in stride *whooosa*.  And then I broke.

Me: *sounding completely defeated* Can you please clean up the kitchen tonight, its your turn or something.
Other half: You aren't the only one who cleans the f**king kitchen
Me: Ummmmm, right...just asking and don't "curse at me"
Other half: Just saying, I'll do it later
*text notification*
Me: *sigh* why can't she just do what I tell her and not freak out in 1000 !!!!! because "she wasn't raised with computers"
Other half:  *silence* *staring at phone*
Me: Right  *goes to heat up dinner* *starts putting away dishes because I am in there so why the f**k not*
Me:  Can you feed the dogs?
Other half: *Silence*
Me: *starts feeding dogs*
Other half: *5 minutes later* I'm going to bring convict (dog) to see that vehicle.  *looks up* I said I'd do it!
Me: *with attitude* Really, didn't hear you say, well ANYTHING.  Plus, I was in here and I didn't want to "nag" you into actually helping out
Other half: *quietly* You sound like your mother
Me: *leans over sink trying to convince myself that throwing my dinner at him would be a bad idea and almost failing*

 *instead bursts into angry tears*
Other half: *doesn't notice* *comes in kitchen*  Why are you crying...?
Me: Go away, I've got it
Other half: I said I'd do it. Why are you crying???
Me: Please leave me alone
Other half: Stop.  Why...
Me: Of all the f**king things you could say to me, you say that?!!?!?
*chaos ensures* *confusion* *I was just jokings are said*
Other half: Well, that is something she would say

Me: I'm out...*has an anxiety attack in the bedroom*
*15 min later*
Other half: I'm going to check out that vehicle tomorrow
Me: *screaming in my head* Ya know what, whatever

I am very proud that I didn't throw anything because I REALLY WANTED TO.  I mean am I being too understanding...am I that hard to read...or is this just a case of "I want to do it, so I'm going to do it (or not do it), regardless of what MY SPOUSE says".  

P.S. We talked it out a little later and the vehicle is now off the table because "I don't want him to have it *rolling eyes*".  Still more to be discussed. We all have issues mine just all came to a head at one time.  Financial BS is the WORST, especially when only one of you seems to pay attention to the world outside of our little bubble.  3,000 people showed up to a New Costco where 300 jobs were being added.  THREE THOUSAND unemployed persons...most being overly highly qualified showed up to get jobs as cashiers and stockers (nothing wrong with those jobs, just pointing out how not normal that is).  Yes, lets buy unnecessary things right now, that's a great idea... 

99% of the time, flashers aren't local. The locals are usually judging the flashers. Its a f**king plastic bead, put your tits away!

*****Begin Transmission*****

I am not talking about Bourbon St.  Truthfully, I don't care what happens on Bourbon.  There aren't CHILDREN on Bourbon.  Well, there shouldn't be children on Bourbon.  It really isn't a place for youngins....at least at night and ESPECIALLY during Mardi Gras Season.  

I was at a f**king parade.  Yes, it was a parade just outside of the Quarter but its still a family parade.  Its a nerd parade.  Some of the costumes are sexy but nothing raunchy or questionable or something that you would be like "OMG little Johnny shouldn't see that!".  I mean other than the obvious Aliens trying to hide among the masses, its a fairly normal parade. 

I am not a fuddy duddy.  When I go to parades, I don't expect a royal treatment.  I know its going to be crowded.  I know I'm going to get shoved and stepped on.  I know there will be drunk idiots.  But there is a point when my calm  understanding of parade people stops being accepting and starts moving me more towards throwing elbows.

So we got there early and had a spot right on the barricade. Which for me is AWESOME because I am a little on the short side so me being front and center is wonderful.  I'd had some beers myself so I was making friends with EVERYONE...such a social butterfly at times *hehehe*.  I met people from San Diego, Houston, India, San Jose and Miami.  There were a few kids in the vicinity and I went into my usual NOLA tour guide mode.  Meaning I love that people visit my city so I want to make them feel welcome.  It was great.  We were enjoying this crazy goofy parade and chit chatting and just having a grand old time...until about 1/2 way through the parade.  That is the point where chaos entered in the form of a VERY drunk girl and two of her friends.  I don't mind drunk.  I really don't.  But stupid drunk that ends up with me injured...that my friends I CANNOT STAND!

As I've mentioned I am little and I tend to get lost in the crowd, which is why my husband usually tries to stand behind me to kind of keep me safe (daaaaaw).  Well Mrs. Drunky McDrunkerson decided that the best way for her to see the parade was on top of me.  Like literally ON TOP OF ME.  I was smooshed against the f**king barricade.  She was leaning over me.  Like all her weight on little ol' me.  I could feel her f**king nipples through her bra and two shirts and my two shirts.  Get off b**ch!!!!!  I would lean back a bit and she would move.  Then almost jump over my head to get to the parade peeps.  One of her jump forward moments ended with her losing her balance, slipping of the curb and latching on to me for stability.  She was at least twice my size.  I went forward into the barricade.  My skinny little chicken leg went between the bars and my forearms slammed into the top of it.  It f**king HURT!

My husband did what any husband would do, grabbed her and threw her off of me.  No fight ensued and she did apologize.  Yea yea yea whatever, stupid c**t...

Somehow she wormed her way next to me...between me and this adorable FAMILY from out of town.  Crazy drunk girl took the girls out.  She wasn't unattractive but really?!!?!?  So there they are eye level with me and just above a little girls head.  It was their daughters b-day.  Happy b-day little bit, have some tits in your face.  Are you for real?!?!!?  There are CHILDREN right next to you, put those away!!! 

But alas, she did not....she did cover them by pulling her bra cups back up...so no more nips.  And look I am not ashamed of the tatas but using them like that just cheapens them.  Sorry, not sorry.  

Then...oh yes, it gets better.  Then she looks at me and says "why aren't yours out?!!?" *shocked* "Ummmm, no I don't think I'll be doing that".  She says, "why not, you get more beads that way!!!" *WTF*  "Yea, no one wants to see my tiny tatas".  I was trying to be tactful but still let her know PUT YOUR BOOBS AWAY!  Instead her friend, who I will admit was quite attractive, turned to me and said "I wouldn't mind seeing them".  Oh....Oh my *blushing*...did I just get hit on by a very attractive girl?!?! *hehehehe* 

Still no, these puppies are staying under wraps.  After that it got a little better.  Her two friends were keeping her tamed but the boobies still stayed on display.  What kills me is the parade peeps weren't like "YEA, whoohooo boobs!!!" Instead they were like "Oh...what....ummmm..." *looking anywhere but at the boobs* and then handed me whatever trinkets they were giving away.  Because there were also KIDS IN THE PARADE!!!!

Seeeeeeeeeee you don't have to show your boobs to get Mardi Gras stuff!!!!  Just smile and wave.  That's all I did and I had all kinds of crap to bring home.  I like this parade because almost everything is homemade.  Its fun little things you get. 

I woke up Sunday with the mother of all bruises on my thigh.  There is a hard lump and its a lovely shade of red purple blue green.  My forearms are beat up too and I have a bruise on my ribs....probably from falling into the barricade. 

Lesson:  Drinking at parades is fine.  But try not to injure other people in your quest for cheap crap you can buy at the Wal-Mart. Oh and most people from NOLA don't show their boobs for beads!  We frown upon that.  Keep that $hit for Bourbon and leave it off of the parade routes.  

*****End Transmission*****