Its not like its a mechanical tree tornado, hell bent on killing us...or is it?

So last year we had the saga of Demon Spawn stealing baby Jesus.  This year we have the tale of Speedy protecting me from a tree. 

I personally purchased and decorated the tree...it didn't just suspiciously show up at the door looking pretty. But apparently "trees don't belong inside" is ingrained in Speedy and he is losing his ever loving mind.

I was worried he might pee on it.  Nope he thinks it has murderous intentions.  But since he is part boxer he is 100% goober and its kind of hilarious. 

So we put the tree up to "fall" before we decorated it.  This in and of itself was threatening. 

Speedy:  I don't know who you are or where you came from but I will murder you
Tree: Subtly leans a little to the left
Speedy: OMG its gonna eat me *runs down the hall peeing*
Me: *face palm* God help me.....

Later that evening:
Me: *putting water in the tree stand*
Speedy: Mom.....moooooom!!! Get away from it!!! *growl, growl* 
Me: OMG dog, its just water splashing
Speedy: *nipping at the lower branches* *bark* Run mom, I'll save you!!!
Me: *rolling eyes*

The next day:
Me: *Putting lights around the tree with the hubs* 
Speedy: *tries biting the light strand*
Me: NO!
Speedy: *bark, bark* *growl* *charges tree* Yea, yea you're scared now, aren't ya!!!! *starts to walk away all cocky like*
Tree: Moves because I am touching it
Speedy:  You're on your own woman!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! *runs into his kennel*
Me: Wow....

Me: *putting pearl strands on the tree* Lalalalala
Speedy: *grabs the pearls and runs* I shall feast on the entrails of my sworn enemy
Me: Ahhhhhhh! No! Bad Dog!
Speedy: *sad face* I just trying to help...MURDER IT!
Tree: Starts to fall over onto me (for some reason the stump is REALLY soft and not holding well)
Speedy: *bark bark bark* Mom, move! MOOOOM!!! *tugging on my leg* *growl* OMG it ate her!  Convict! Convict why aren't you freaking out?!??!
Convict: *yawn* I'm sleeping, go away!
Me: If you nip my leg one more time I am going to murder you!


This Morning:
Speedy: Oh.My.GOOOOOOOD! It has grown balls!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! How come I can't do that!??!?!  *cautiously sniffing ornaments*
Me: Leave it alone dog
Speedy: But mooooooom...Moooooom...LOOK!  It has things I can eat on it!!! *tries to nibble an icicle*
Me: I swear to God dog...if you touch that tree again, I will tan your hide
Speedy: *boops a large white glittery ball with his nose* 
Tree: Drops the ornament onto the rug
Me: *whew*
Speedy: Ahhhhhhh its trying to attack me!!!! Mom run I got this!!!! *growl* *bark bark* *bouncing around from side to side nipping at the tree*
Me: Nooooooooooooooooooooo!  Stop...bad dog...OMG!
Tree: I'm gonna fall over now
Me: Ahhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhh! *jumps over the couch to catch it*
Hubs: WTF is going on in here? *sees me holding the tree up with no gloves* *sees speedy in attack mode* *blinks* Its too early for this crap....
Me: Um a little help please...
Speedy: Die mother f**ker!!!!!!!

So we used fishing line to anchor the tree to the wall.  All is well at the moment...but Speedy still doesn't trust it.  Maybe he knows something we don't...that its a murderous tree sent by Mechanical Santa's to kill us all....too bad I don't have a Doctor to save us...doh!