Getting old is a b***h!

 Especially if you are an almost 17 y/o cat!!!!

So as per usual I work at my desk and answer the call of the kitty when she fusses.  She is partially blind and walks a little wonky so she gets lost on occasion.  Then we have a Marco Polo conversation so I can find her or she can find me and re-orient her. 

Well the other day she stood up and started fussing.  She looked confused so I carried her to her litter box where she promptly peed.  Okay good deal! 

Then she started walking around the pee pee pads (there for my sanity) and squated.  I was like are you pooping...? Her little legs were shaking but nothing happened, then she walked off.  Okay....maybe not pooping. 

I went sit back down.  Then I started thinking.  I don't think I've seen poop from her recently (the joys of having a geriatric pet...you know their poops *facepalm*). 

She wandered in my office then immediately started meowing loudly! She squatted and her little legs shook and she farted.  I HAVE NEVER IN MY LIFE HEARD A CAT FART!

Girl, what is happening.  Thinking she just had some major gas I went back to working.  But you could tell she was uncomfortable and wandering. 

CRAP!  The cat is constipated.  Thankfully I have some handy dandy pumpkin I can give her.  So I sat on the floor with just a teaspoon or so in my hand.  And told her, "okay it takes a little time to work but it will help."  Because you know she totally can understand me. 

Mind you she LOVES pumpkin.  

So she is under my desk just gobbling up the pumpkin when suddenly she tensed up, MEOWED, and shot a turd (3 times the size of her....um butt) out at terminal velocity. 

It smelled AWFUL!  But all I could do was laugh.  She was a happy kitty again and went curl up in her bed leaving me to chase off DISGUSTING dogs and clean up the mess.  

I guess she got excited for the pumpkin and well the rest is history, HA!

So like the X-men...?

Weird dreams are my jam lately.  So after falling down a mountain. My subconscious decided to be just plain weird. 

This is one of those jumpy dreams but what I remember is VIVID.  

Anyways so I was in "college".  But it was NOT college.  It was basically a prison camp for gifted individuals.  And I wasn't college age...I was my current age.  Everyone there was of varying ages and had...talents.  Except me.  I was known as the "weirdo" without a talent.  

You see sometime in 2020 (f**k 2020) there was an event of sorts.  This event affected our DNA and certain individuals ended up with a mutated gene causing varying powers.  But not everyone was affected and the ones affected were the minority so the normies were scared of us hence the "camps".   

The reason I was there even without a "talent", is because I had the mutated gene, I just never exhibited anything.  But fear of my potential sent me there, yay humanity *rolling eyes*.

It jumped around alot but I remember a one point being in a cafeteria eating.  I had friends, really good friends, but I was also made fun of a lot because I was basically nothing special.  It sucked but I dealt with it.  Jumping ahead, I was in my "dorm" after being assaulted by some jerks and was having a serious anxiety attack.   Suddenly I was glowing, a rainbow of hexagons blinking around me like some cracked out aura.  As I calmed down they faded.  WTF?!?

It jumped again and I was in an empty classroom freaking out.  I had just been tortured (again?!?) by these guys all in black trying to draw out a "talent".  Once I was alone my weird hexagon aura showed up rapidly blinking all around me.  Except, I was NOT alone.  My friend, who was a scientist that "studied" us but didn't agree with the "camp" situation happened to be in the room. He scared me and I suddenly "blinked away".  I was invisible.  And I only knew I was because he nervously asked where I went.  

It jumped again weeks...months...(?!?) and I was working on controlling my emotions and my talents.  I made a habit of invisibly wandering around campus and into "secure" areas trying to find out what was happening; my scientist friend kept my secret.  

Jumping AGAIN, someone new was brought to the camp.  He was an anomaly.  Apparently he was filming a new movie when he burst into colorful hexagons scaring the bejesus out of his costar.  When they tried to restrain him he disappeared briefly.  No one, including the scientists nor the actor himself, understood  what caused it to manifest as they couldn't get it to really happen again.    

So I sent him a note to meet me in a dark abandoned auditorium (that's not creepy).  I waited invisible in a  seat.  He seemed nervous but in control.  He sat down near me.  I gently caressed  his forearm causing very faint "blinking" but he was unaware of me still and confused why he was "blinking".  I leaned in very close and whispered, I know how to control it.  He burst into a full spectrum of colors and was breathing heavily trying to figure out where I was.  Before he could speak I told him try not to react to me...pretend I wasn't there.  As the blinking calmed a bit, I climbed over him not touching but straddling, hovering just above his lap.  It was like a weird seduction but that wasn't my plan, I could give two $hits about seducing him.  I was no longer alone!  Just as he thought I had left and was relaxing I "ground" down (...grind... you get the idea) and spoke into his ear. "The key is extreme emotion".  It scared the absolute crap out of him & maybe kinda turned him on a bit... He disappeared briefly but in that brief moment he could see me and I could see him...sort of.  WHAT IS HAPPENING?!?!? It was just a vague human shape and a color...I was clearly female, pinkish purple and he was clearly male and a royal blue.  He reappeared and as I was contemplating having more fun with him or bolting away, I was punched in the eye.

Wait what?!?!  Who punched me?!?!  I was now awake in a pitch black strange room (Ah, still on vacay) and was seeing "colors" behind my  right eyelid BECAUSE my husband had just backhanded me in his sleep.  Dammit!  That dream was just getting really good! 

The hit wasn't hard, I was fine, and he felt awful. 

Fin

I fell down a mountain

I swear I am coordinated....sometimes.  I can dance and not fall or trip but ANY OTHER ACTIVITY...I end up on my butt...or face. 

So I went hiking, like up a mountain.  I was being so careful!!!!  

I made it up with little incident except getting winded (altitude).  About half way down I stepped on a loose rock.  My left leg slide forward... hubs tried to catch me but he was a little too far ahead.

I had two options try to balance a risk falling off the trail and down a steep rocky slope or just sit/fall.  

I sat...the problem is my right leg had bent under me during the slide so when I sat, my shin & knee hit hard...and I was still sliding. Once I stopped I just sat there assessing.  Pain...yes!!!!!  but I was still on the trail and not tumbling down the side of a mountain, winning!!!

As I shakily stood, pain shot down my leg.

I leaned against the rock wall and carefully tested my leg.

It hurt but was easing, okay so not broken *whew*.

I carefully hobbled down the rest of the mountain.  When I got to the car I pulled up my pant leg.  I had two decent gashes and lots of scrapes.  It wasn't bleeding too bad but was already starting to bruise.  

So what does one do after they fall down a mountain and injure their leg?!?!?! They hike another mountain the next day.  

Where do these come from!?!?

Dream story time.  

I have a recurring dream.  I hear those in movies and on podcasts but I don't know anyone else personally that actually has a recurring dream.  

Its not...its not a bad dream but odd and very real.  

Hubs and I are on vacation.  We are in Europe.  I'm thinking England based on most of the accents.  Much of it is a blur but the feelings are strong.  We are having fun.  So much fun.  I remember laughing and smiling and feeling so happy. 

At an outdoor cafe a man at the table next to us asks if we are interested in going to a fancy dress party.  He has tickets but sadly is leaving town before the party.  We say we don't have anything THAT fancy.  It's not like I travel with a ball gown *shrug*.

As we finish our meal, the waitress comes over and says there is a fancy dress rental place, super affordable.  *hmmmmmmm*

It jumps a few days, I think but I am getting out of a carriage. What in the Cinderella is happening here?!?  So I am in a long sparkling red dress with silver heels, my hair is pulled up off my neck and hubs is in a tux, with a bow tie.  I've not seen myself but I feel like I look pretty good.  

The party is almost like a ball.  There are ritzy people everywhere, food in a buffet room, servers with horderves, and endless adult beverages.  There was mingling and dancing.  We knew no one but everyone was extremely welcoming & friendly.  

At one point the hubs walked off to...do something and I stayed chatting with the some of the people from our table, just kind of standing around in a darkened room with music.  Here is where it sharpens.  I can smell the mix of perfumes, cologne, and people.  I hear the thumping of the music and the friendly chatter of my new friends.  I can taste the tang of the bubbly I am drinking and I feel a little tipsy & giggly.  

From behind my husband grabs my right hand and guides me a few feet away. I can feel the warmth of his hand and the roughness of his skin. But something is off.  My hand doesn't fit quite right. He's tall-ish but his hair is wavy and longer than the hubs.  His stance is different.  His cologne is nice but not right.  Before I can say anything or pull my hand back he switches hands and puts his left hand in the small of my back saying "this is my wife".  

I can feel the searing heat of his hand on my skin and a slight tremble...is that fear...?  Okay so the dress is backless. 

I look at him bewildered but his eyes are pleading with me to play along.  His eyes are a gentle blue and kind.  I remember thinking he's handsome and in my mind I recognize him...but from where  I for some reason feel like I should trust him.  So I glance back at these strange looking intimidating men and introduce myself.  I see my husband behind them looking confused so I shrug and wink.  

I get the feeling this man is in some sort of trouble.  The men seem semi-pleased by our meeting and roughly tell my new friend goodbye but with a threat in it and exit.  When I turn to look at him again he looks relieved. He says he owes me, thank you, and hugs me then immediately looks abashed. He turns to the hubs to apologize still with his arm around me and I wake up.  

I've had this dream numerous times.  I don't know what it means or why I keep having it but I am starting to wonder if I need to go to Europe and meet a mysterious stranger at a ball. 

I swear I don't have daddy issues!

I'm on the weird VIVID dream kick again.  I've got a few so I'll just post one at a time.  

Anyways, it starts off in a large city, maybe NYC...maybe Miami...I dunno.  I had an interview in a big skyscraper.  I think my dad got me the interview so he drove me.  Mind you I am closing in on 40 so why would my father drive me to an interview?!?!  Anyway, in addition to myself, we brought a current co-worker & friend of mine whom I've known since college...also not weird at all.  

At this point everything is normal.  I'm dressed in a business suit and heels.  But then we get to the 37th floor and it's a...party....?  Apparently this isn't a normal interview.  It's a social.  So in true NOLA Gurl fashion, I mingled and made friends.  It was a LONG day.  So incredibly long.  I felt like I was there for hours and I had to have been because it was dark outside the windows.  

I was looking for my dad when I heard a commotion.  You see although we were on the 37th floor you could see over a balcony to a mezzanine (is that what its called???).  People were screaming and there were other people running...like....oh God...they were running like....Cheetahs on Speed. No no no no no no!!!!! Now I am scared, I can hear the blood rushing in my ears.  I can't find my dad and there are infected people below me!!!  I am trapped in a skyscraper with f**king 28 Days Later "zombies"!!!!!!!!!!

I call his phone and he picks up.  He left!  He f**king left!  He said I didn't seem to need him so he went home.  I was on the verge of crying asking and I quote "Daddy, why did you leave me?"  To which he responded, "I didn't leave you, I left the situation".  Yea go ahead and Freud that one....moving on.

I found my friend and explained we were stranded.  He was panicking a bit.  He saw the commotion below and was scared.  No one else at the social seemed concerned.  They were like "we are way up high...Zombies can't use the elevator".  I'm sorry, WHAT!?!?! 

Somehow we stole some key fobs and were in the parking garage.  You could hear the inhuman screeching echoing all around.  We were running but so slow...its was like running through sand and pressing key fobs to find a car...ANY CAR!!! My heart was racing.  I was drenched in sweat. Running in heels is stupid! My friend is white as a sheet which is impressive because he is fairly tan. 

We are in a car, he's driving (his driving scares me normally so there is that) and he brings me to my house but its not my house.  He says his uncle has a place in the swamp (MAKES NO SENSE...he is not from here...) and gives me the coordinates.  Not the address...the f**king coordinates!  

Here is where I woke up.  I woke up in a cold sweat and like WTAF.  I went back to sleep wanting to dream of anything else.  But the f**king dream continued.  I woke up, went pee, and went back to sleep and continued the freaking dream.  That NEVER happens!

As I settle back into dreamland, it jumps and me and my husband are driving in the boonies trying to find this place.  Its pitch blank but thankfully no inhuman screeching.  (at this point I knew I was dreaming I had a thought of OMG, why am I still dreaming about this?!?!?!?)  

It jumps again and we are in what looks like a really big plane hanger that's been converted into a makeshift living area.  Its extremely fortified and hidden but we are alone.  No one is there.  The dream has taken on a yellow tint....like dim old light bulb lighting.  I call my friend from a landline (what?!?). He said they are stuck on the freeway (now I know I am dreaming because we call it an interstate or highway) but to make ourselves at home.  So there I am checking out the provisions in the fridge, when out of nowhere a rabid (infected) yorkie comes running at me, I'm screaming, running away as its trying to nip my ankles.   I had to kill it....so I chopped off its head with a knife but...decapitating is not a simple thing so there was sawing...it was...it was not cool.  Do you know how traumatizing that is for a person who loves animals?!?!?!  I mean I wasn't attached to the dog but it was a bit "I am Legend" -ish feeling....

Somehow my geriatric cat is also there and she's been "bitten" but because she is so old, she's fine.  I swear...that was the line of thinking.  Okay then.... apparently if you're old, the virus is like meh, no point.  

The power switched to a generator because I guess society was collapsing *shrug*.  So I was sitting with my husband in the hazy yellow light of a shack in the swamp petting my old but uninfected cat with a decapitated yorkie on the floor just waiting.

I'm still here...I think

So wow been MIA a bit.  Well work sucks...I have inherited a WHOLE NEW job...on top of my current job....with no extra pay...which is hard anyway because pandemic.  If any of you can figure out how to get extra hours in the day...I'm all ears.  

Oh and 2020 just keeps bringing the weird...f**ked up...insanity.  I don't even know what I missed.  But I live in hurricane central so that's been fun.  

Laura just steam rolled the Western side of LA.  I mean Katrina was bad.  Gustav was bad.  Isaac was bad.  This B**CH said hold my beer and just ...*GAH*.  

If I remember correctly she is the 1st storm to make landfall AS A STRONG CAT 4 in western LA.  A meteorologist was asked how you prepare for a cat 4 or cat 5...?  His response, "honestly after you get to a Cat 3 it doesn't matter.  It's going to be catastrophic.  There is going to be significant damage and loss of life.  Just...just get out."  And this B...it was so bad.  The level of destruction....I saw it first hand...about a week after landfall.  My heart just broke for everyone.  I was having some serious PTSD.  You would think after being through so many storms you get numb to the destruction...but you don't.  

I walked into a house and the smell of wet insulation/sheetrock/carpet slapped me in the face.  I was immediately thrown back 8 years...11 years....15 years....I was there again.  I was picking through a flooded house...I was helping move a tree off a house...I was watching my people sob because it was all gone.  Then I was back to myself...in the present seeing more of my people trying to cope with losing everything.  

So we did what we always do.  We banded together and we cpicked up the pieces.  Because while it sucks...ALOT.  What matters is they are alive and well.  The house(es) can be fixed.  

Now...where I am in East LA is maybe going to get...A TON OF F**KING rain from another biotch.  Sally seems to have a target on us.  She isn't strong (and hopefully it stays that way) but she's moving slow and has the potential to push alot of water inland, along with a possible 10-20 inches of rain.  

At the 10PM update, she shifted more east.  And honestly...I hope she keeps doing that (sorry MS/AL).

I don't wish this crap on anyone.  

And before you say "well if you know a hurricane is going to destroy your area...MOVE!"  That's stupid.  There are natural disaters...EVERYWHERE.  There are earthquakes in the West, tornado alley in the Mid West, Blizzards in the North..hurricanes and flooding in the south...and currently freaking WILD FIRES in the west.  

You can't escape mother nature...just make sure you can handle whatever one is where you live.  Hurricanes are predictable (mostly)....they suck but we can prepare for them.  But I will continue to b**tch because...well its 2020....can we get a break please!!?!!??

How early, is too early?!?

There is nothing worse than being awoken by your dogs growling and aggressively barking at 4AM.  I jumped up out of a dead sleep.  They were losing it at the door to our room.  The hubs had worked late so I decided to get up to investigate. 

I let them out to attack whatever they thought was in the house.  I assumed they were barking at the cats.  Except they didn't go past my living room.  Normally they do a lap around the house....

So I walked out further.  I had a HORRIBLE buzzing in my ears and they were still going ape$hit.  Not just barking...it was really a protective thing happening.  I realized I still had my ear plugs in so I took them out but the noise didn't change.  I was still half asleep and thought the weird noise was coming from the nightlight in our kitchen. Mainly because the dogs were barking in that direction and that made sense to my sleep addled brain.

As I started to walk towards it Speedy grabbed and pulled my hand. WTF Dog?!?!?  They were still barking like crazy.  But I kept walking, Lil bit was biting at my ankles.  Speedy kept grabbing my hand and getting in front of me. 

A fully awake person would have realized they were trying to stop me from walking into the kitchen.  But I was still half asleep and getting annoyed.  I got to the night light and unplugged it. haha, success!!!

The noise didn't stop and the dogs were still barking.  I was staring blankly at the light like, why are you still buzzing, I UNPLUGGED YOU!

Finally my irritation bubbled over and I yelled "Can everyone please shut up!!!"  Immediately the noise stopped and both dogs stopped barking. 

At this point I woke up enough to realize how f**ked up that was. 

I looked around, promptly headed back to bed with the pups, and put my earplugs back in.  I did NOT go back to sleep.  Hubs mumbled "is evey thing okay?"  and I said "nightlight".  I stared at the ceiling waiting for the buzzing to come back or the dogs to bark.  Thankfully neither happened!

I'm not scared, you're scared!

Okay we joke a lot about the old owners still being around but sometimes things get really weird and I choose to just have another glass of wine. 

So my speedy LOVES to play.  He will bring you his toy, spit it on you, then bark until you throw it.  He does this to anyone and everyone who steps foot in our house.  Its adorable for about 5 minutes then it gets annoying but we love him to bits. 

Anyway, since we've moved in, him and lil bit have claimed our spare room as their own.   Nothing weird, they think they are children so I guess they have a room. 

Well randomly they go back there.  Lil bit rolls around on the bed like she does when she wants belly rubs.  She's a dog, not that weird..right.  But Speedy has decided that it is really fun to scare the $hit out of me and I am not okay with it. 

I was cooking dinner one night and I heard him barking.  When I went to investigate he was standing in the doorway to my spare room...toy on the ground...barking into the darkness.

So I yelled for him....he looked at me.  Looked back into the room...cocked his head and started barking again.

I reluctantly walked down the hall, turned on the lights as I went and checked the room HOPING TO SEE A CAT.  No cat.  Speedy picked up his toy and went back in the living room. 

Lil bit started doing this too.  She doesn't bark but she nudges her toy across the threshold and wags her tail. 

Not necessarily scared but...curious.  What is it with that back room?  I mean they don't always do this but it is almost 3 years and they are still doing it soooooooooo.

The world is a dumpster fire...I mean Vampire...no I mean dumpster fire

And no place more like home *face palm*.

Innocent man killed by a cop.  Hold up...not just killed.  I mean, he was straight up murdered.  I know some people may not like to hear that but f**k... y'all it was bad...REALLY REALLY BAD.  Like Jesus H Christ, its 2020 right?!?  Why is this still happening?!??!  Have we not evolved enough to f**king NOT do this?  I know one bad egg but there have been quite a few bad eggs and now I'm worried about my cop friends that are legitimately good people....

Now the world is protesting because...are we not all HUMAN?!?!  Come on!  This is not acceptable, and it needs to stop (the killing & racism, not the protests). 

So tick another box off for Apocalyspe BINGO. 

So these protests I get and support, but holy $hit now I'm scared "Corona 2 - The Resurgence" is coming to a city near you in upcoming weeks.

Top that with a f**king Tropical Storm headed straight for LA and I mean June is starting off great...JUST GREAT!  So Cristobal decided it wanted to make history and be the earliest 3rd named storm on record so "yay, good for you". Its not a Katrina or Harvey but it looks to dump 10+ inches of rain on us, so I guess that's the flooding part of the Apocalypse. 

Now I see there is a football field sized "near Earth" asteroid floating around out there.  And while I know these are always out there, its 2020.  She'll probably just kick us while we are down and send a life ending rock hurdling into the Earth.  Except it won't end life just make it THAT much more f**ked up *ahhhhhhhh*.

Its cool, I mean we are already in June...OMG its only June....I feel like I've lived 10 years in 6 months...

Crap I almost forgot about the cannibal rats...because that doesn't sound terrifying....

Who clicked on a suspicious link? 
Did someone install Limewire???? 
Who dug up an old burial ground? 
One word, Jumanji! 
Clearly, the Earth's free trial of McAffe has expired, Good Luck and Godspeed. 

Time to go old school.

That is why I have so many shoes!

So there I was watching "The Greatest Showman" for the 1st time (I know I know WAAAAY behind, but I know all the music so *plfeet*). 

Anyways, we were just a chillin' when something caught my eye.  Now mind you, I'd had a glass...or a few of wine but I felt....like I was being watched.  When I glanced up at the ceiling and saw the freaking MOTHER of all bugs who shall not be named. 

Rendered speechless, all I could squeaked out was a "no no no no no no".  Thankfully the sig other knows me well enough.  We both jumped up and scurried away as it hobbled towards us.  Clearly it was dying from our pest control BUT it was huge and still alive. 

I promptly hid in the kitchen and was basically rocking in a corner.  The hubs began throwing shoes.  It ran faster *$hit $hit $hit $hit*. 

It made it to our laundry room door.  He threw another shoe and that F**ker started flying. 

There was a loud scream...it wasn't me....or not just me

We were running out of options...it was blocking the door...and the RAID was in the laundry room.

Two shoes left.  1st one spooks it and it starts flying again. 

I am basically crying on the floor now.  Immediately he hums another shoe...DIRECT HIT!

It's still moving, though. 

Gloves, a dust pan, and a broom later...and its flushed down the toilet...like 15 times over. 

Once I emerged from my hiding spot, I found 6 pairs of shoes...and some legs

Have I mentioned, I hate those things!!!!!!!!

So we all died in 2012 and this is the final test before going up or down....right?!

2019 was...difficult for many.  Most were all happy it was coming to an end.  Thinking 2020 would be a great new start was naive at best.

Like 3 days into the new year we almost had WWIII.  I mean obviously a lot more needed to happen but the pissing contest and just general idiocy had most of us believing we were all going to die in the fiery fall out of a nuclear blast or freeze to death from the nuclear winter.

A couple weeks later Kobe Bryant dies in a freak helicopter accident along with his daughter, and nine other people.  It's not WWIII but it was a WTAF Universe moment.  I'm not a huge Basketball fan but I mean I know who he is and was heartbroken for the families, friends, and fans.

Then Australia was on fire.  Like no really the f**king contiennt was basically burning.  It had been going on for some time but seem to really take over in early 2020.  I (along with everyone else, I'm sure) felt so helpless watching people and animals lose their homes.  I mean I started following the Irwins to see how their Zoo was helping all the injured animals.  I bought items that were donated to to relief cause.  I donated to LEGIT save Australia campaigns.  I mean I know we all joke about everything in Australia wanting to kill you but we still need to save it!

Moving on, we started to hear more and more about this "nothing to worry about" virus in China.  The news said "its all good".  But social media posts from other areas seemed to say different. Then...then news was blowing up with cases all over the world.  Little onesie twosie things until *BAM* it's almost Mardi Gras and its officially here in the US and WTF is happening?!??!  Then one vacation was canceled because international travel was not recommended.  Then a case or 20 popped up in NOLA.  Another vacay was canceled.  I left my office on 3/11 not realizing I would not be returning for an indefinite amount of time.  It's been over 8 weeks... 

Amidst the pandemic Wildfires near Chernobyl ramped up increasing radiation readings in the area.

We had a freak hail storm.  Just out of the blue f**king hail when we were supposed to have "lite showers".  NO warning.  NO nothing just *ping ping ping*, "Mother F**ker!!!" In one city it was the size of my fist...MY FIST!  At least by me it was just tiny marbles but STILL!

The stock market crashed.

Oil went negative.  IT WAS TRADING NEGATIVE!

Now we are being told there are Murder Hornets.  I'm sorry...what?!?!  Ah yes...a hornet....bigger than my index finger.  Excuse me while I just drink Everclear, and cry in a corner.  Apparently their sting hurts (alot) but they really only target Honey Bees.  Oi, I like Honey Bees!

They also are predicting a more active than normal hurricane season...which that news can just f**k right off.

Seriously, who the f**k is playing Jumanji??!?!

To top it all off, people are now protesting the pandemic.  I'm sorry, what....? Well technically they are protesting the SAH orders but it's basically the same because both make about the same amount of f**king sense...zero.  I want things to open up too but safely and not at the cost of more lives.

Oh and apparently wearing a mask...you know to protect OTHER PEOPLE from your germy @$$ is a violation of constitutional rights or something.  As in my comfort is more important than your life so f**k you.  So we want to open back up but not take precautions to keep it from making a resurgence...makes sense *face palm*.

Sometimes I think we deserve $hit like this because as a whole humanity can be hella f**ked up.

Is it like a strap on or something???

I haven't searched for....so why is this a suggestion for me?!!?

Wait, wait wait.. just for Lesbian women...that is very specific.

Well now I'm curious but I don't want to click it because for the next 20 years it will be one of my "Hey a deal you looked at..." emails...

Whatever, now I am dying to click the link but am refraining for my future sanity.

They see me rollin'

On a happier note in this time of insanity I am a weirdo!

So since I have a serious case of cabin fever, I try to "get out" as much as possible NOT WITH PEOPLE at parks or in groups.  Usually in my back yard or I run in my hood while all the families are eating dinner.  It's awesome, there is like no one out and about.  But it sucks because no one is out and about.

Now I live in a safe area, I'd like to think but running the streets ALONE during the apocalypse is f**king creepy!  It's like walking around in  I am legend...

I keep waiting for Zombies on speed to come running out of the shadows, and then I remember....I am not that fast!  An 11 min mile is decent but not a Cheetah Zombie pace!!!

Today I decided to ride my bike instead.  I am faster on a bike, ha!  So I put one ear bud in (safety 1st) and went on my way.  Now I look like your typical soccer mom.  I am not a mom nor do I attend soccer games but I am a small-ish suburban blonde 30 something in Lululemon knockoffs and Nikes. 

Not my pic

So imagine as I rolled through my 'hood jamming to some...interesting music. I looked like a modern day Donna Reed singing "I got my twin glock .40s, cocked back. Me and my homies, so drop that"...

Anyways, as I came around the corner and saw one of our elderly neighbors on her porch and I realized singing "Hold up, wait up, shorty. "Oh aw wazzup, get my d**k sucked, what are you doin'?"" Was probably something I should stop doing while looking like....

I mean she couldn't have heard me...right...

I am hoping her hearing aids were off...

STAY THE F**K HOME!!!

Unless you are an essential worker.  In that case, you are my f**king hero and I don't know how we can every ever repay you for what you are doing to keep us healthy, fed, safe, etc during this INSANITY.

Also, in case you are actually 100% uneducated...just because your area doesn't have any/many reported cases yet DOESN'T MEAN JACK $HIT!  We had zero cases and now we are off the charts.  Take the f**king precautions NOW!  Pretend like everyone you meet is infected.  That way the few cases you do have don't explode into this Bull$hit happening around me.  I am now "locked" in until after my Birthday and am going to need copious amounts of wine/whiskey at some point. 

Note - Screw all you dip$hits that went party for St Paddy's Day AFTER they told us not to.  And the ding dongs that had a second line or crawfish boil this past weekend.  You are part of the problem and should be sterilized.

So in conclusion....STAY HOME!  Oh and wash your f**king hands you nasty creatures.

Rant Over......I need a drink.

I will never understand humanity/group think

Why oh why can't people just LISTEN!?!  I've been MIA because I don't know what to say.  But now as the $hit is literally hitting the fan, I don't know what to do with myself.

I am scared, honest to God scared.  This is serious and there are f**ktards out there still going on Spring Break, Still having parties, still pretending things are okay. Well newsflash they ARE NOT OKAY.   

COVID-19 is not a joke.  I've made my fair share of jokes but I 100% believe this is serious.   And now we are under lockdown.  Mainly because people can't freaking listen.  Our hospitals are basically overwhelmed.  And while it is possible I would be fine if I caught it, people I love may not be.  I am scared for my friends and family in medical.  For my family and friends who are older.  For my family and friends who are high risk.  I am scared!

And not to cause any additional panic but so should you!  Regardless of your beliefs, political or otherwise...I can't believe the government would intentionally tank the economy for something that isn't serious.  Whole Industries are disappearing overnight.  People are being laid off.  People are losing their sources of income.  People are DYING! And what are the masses doing?  Hoarding f**king Toilet Paper and tampons!!!!

This is a rambling jumble of thoughts but I am at a loss.  I am scared and I hate it.  I don't want my parents going to the store for fear they will DIE!  Do you idiots out there understand that???  Gen Z or whatever the college age people are who still went on spring break.  Or what about those "rich folks" from infected areas who went to their vacation homes and spread the virus to remote areas.  Or those parents who see school being out as a time to go on vacay. STOP THE INSANITY!

I'm going to bed now.  I'm going to try to sleep.  But I don't know if I will because all I can f**king think about is me and/or my husband losing our jobs because MY ENTIRE F**KING STATE IS LOCKED DOWN!

Can't we use some common sense???
Stop hoarding $hit!
STAY THE F**K HOME! 
If you just buy what you would normally buy, there would be no empty shelves. 
Flatten the f**king curve!
Seriously, why the hell do you need 200 rolls of TP????  This virus doesn't make you $hit yourself to death! 
Wash your hands! 
You know if I can't buy soap/hand sani that makes you more vulnerable because I can't be as clean....STOP HOARDING!
Don't touch your face! 
No one needs 32 loaves of bread, come on people!!!!
Did I mention STAY THE F**K HOME!

Wear a "condom", you don't want Nature Herpes!

Just kidding. Maybe. Almost.

So the sig other was leaving for a last minute work trip.  The night before I was in a mood.  I was annoyed and being petty.  I grumpily did things while he packed.  One of those things involved opening a toy for the cats.  I don't know why but I took that moment to open the damn toy.

I was using a scissors to pop a zip tie.  Again I was pissy so I may have used more force than I realized.  The scissor slipped...ACROSS MY THUMB.

Series of Events that happened in less than 5 seconds:

I yipped
I dropped everything
I grabbed my thumb
I darted to my bedroom
I hear "are you okay"
YES!

About this time the pain receptors kicked in and I fell to my knees before I got to my bathroom sink.

My medical crew arrived to investigate.  This is when I realized I was crying because two dogs and two cats were trying to lick my face and my hand.  They were very concerned.

I feared looking at my hand based on the pulse I could feel in my injured thumb.

I shakily stood and took a peek.  The second I removed the pressure blood just poured out.  f**k f**k f**k!!!

I ran it under cold water and bent over to breathe and call for help.  "okay I am NOT okaY".

In his most caring voice, said "you need to put peroxide on it, water wont help"... "Oh f**k you very much" AHHHHHH.  So yea, I guess I deserved the attitude after my pissy mood all night but I almost sliced off my thumb can I get a little sympathy?!?!?

I probably needed stitches, it would not stop bleeding!!!!  I could see where the scissor went DEEP under the skin and down part of my nail.  But it was midnight and Health Insurance co-pays for ER Visits suck so I cleaned the $hit out of it, put Neosporin on it, and wrapped it 

That Mo**er F**ker THROBBED ALL NIGHT.  I couldn't sleep.  Every time I moved I hit it and woke up.  I had to bandage it for 3 days....it would start bleeding otherwise every time I touched it.

So why Nature Herpes you ask?  Well because right after, I did a run run in the woods woods.  My luck I would fall and get some weird bacteria...I didn't want to get nature herpes so I wore a finger condom.  They exist...and go on JUST LIKE A CONDOM.  Just roll it on and make everyone giggle....

Parade Etiquette - Don't be a Whale Vagina

Okay I've been here but I've been stupid busy.  Anyway, PARADE ETIQUETTE!  I have said this before and I will say it again.  Have some f**king MANNERS when in public.  Would it f**king kill you to act like a decent human while in public?!?!?!  

Just because you aren't from NOLA doesn't mean you are exempt from etiquette.  Actually acting like a tw@t waffle is a great way to get your @$$ kicked by a bunch of locals tired of your $hit.  

Moving on.  Went to a parade...got mad...still had fun...good people prevail!!!!

So there we are EARLY to a parade to claim our spot.  We were behind a barricade, honestly best spot because no one can get in front of you....WRONG!  Well normally yes but not this time.  This time people were literally on top of the marching groups and the "chaperones" were f**king failing at their jobs.  Be aggressive!  You have the right per your stupid little badge.  Tell those Mother F**kers to GET BACK TO THE SIDEWALK!  

Whatever, they failed and we got irritated.  Mainly because we were there for a while when suddenly the parade gets to us and people just stood....IN FRONT OF THE BARRICADE! The 1st few we all mouthed off to, sheepishly moved...good girls and boys.  But then there was this "family".  Two ladies, one man and a VERY small child.  

They stood right in front of us.  AND WOULDN'T MOVE!  After a 10 min pissing fight we all said f**k the barricade because it clearly doesn't matter and moved to the front of the STUPID crowd.  Well all the peeps behind the barricade who moved were now all besties with a singular cause.  F**k with the piece of $hit family.  

Now I am not (nor were the people around me) one to mess with a kid.  They are exempt but I will without a doubt subtly f**k with adults setting a bad example. I made sure that kid got throws and saw all the sights because I am not completely heartless.  

As I walked around said barricade a lady next to me said something unkind but true about the $hitheads in front of us. All I did was nod.  The psycho B**ch (mom or aunt, not sure) spins around and screams in my face "WE HAVE A F**KING 5 YEAR OLD!!!!!!" (ok...now all bets of me being nice are off) to which I replied calmly (while leaning back) "and you are setting a great example on how to be a C**t." 

Apparently this was unexpected because she gasped walked away.  They were acting like a bunch of High/Drunk high school kids but they were 30+ AND HAD A KID WITH THEM!!!!!!!!!! Mind you it is late (well after 9 PM).  A 5 year old should not be in or near the FRENCH QUARTER at this time.  So an unspoken thing happened. All of the adults who were DONE with their $hit, start dropping every subtle curse word/inappropriate word you could imagine along with HIGHLY inappropriate stories...some about the adults with said kid.  Basically the crowd made the ADULTS so uncomfortable they left.  Was is mature no, but sometimes dickheads need to be put in their place. The kid had no idea what was happening...he was FIVE (apparently) and was just smiling and having fun.

Moral of the story is if you set a bad example and act like a f**k nugget people will band together to publicly shame you.  Like I said, Kid had no idea what was happening, he was focused on the parade.  But the parents or whoever they were....realized they messed up and left...victory is ours!!!  Although, I do feel bad for the kid but not bad enough to give in. 

I don't give a flying f**k if you have kids or not, that does NOT give you the "right" to be an @$$.  You want a "front row" spot for the little one...get there early!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!  Or at least be nice about it and ask.  Had they said hey he can't see can he get here, TOTALLY DIFFERENT.