Dammit Timehop...

...you broke the space-time continuum!  The Doctor would be so mad....

So apparently I tried to Time Travel this morning and failed (typical me), dang it!  Now I am curious where I would have gone.   I want to travel to the past...I think.  I mean a year ago I could have been having a wonderful time instead of attempting to be productive (and failing at it). 

In other news, I really feel like Agent Coulson created this for BBW...to deal with his "issues"

"Tahiti. It's a magical place."

But I am a bit scared to try it...what if it's a ploy...can you say Hydra (or S.H.I.E.L.D.) mind control...maybe...

Also,  my cat made a salt ring in my kitchen and sat in it.  I don't have a picture because it was 3AM and I didn't have my phone with me.  But when I got up to let Speedy out, I flicked the light on to the kitchen.  There sat Demon Spawn in the middle of the floor.  She looked at me and "meowed".   It took a minute to figure out what was all over the floor.  She apparently knocked the salt container off the counter and "played" with what came out.  It wasn't a perfect ring BUT she was in the middle of a ton of salt. 

My reaction: 
"WTF?!?"
"Is that salt?"
"What did you do?"
*meow*
*Waking up enough to process what I am seeing* 
"OMG, seriously!??!  Do we have a f**king ghost"or something!?!"
*meow*
"I'm going back to bed"

I didn't fall asleep very fast after that!  When I got up for work, the salt was still on the floor but no longer in a discernible ring and the stupid cat was MIA.  So now I am wondering if I imagined the whole thing but there was CLEARLY salt on the floor...maybe I need to stop watching Supernatural...it's giving my cat ideas. 

Because of a F**KING bug is a perfectly acceptable answer to, "Why are you running around naked and screaming?"

So this is a "Throwback Thursday" of sorts because I don't think I ever posted about this happening.

So before we got married my now husband spent quite a bit of time En mi casa (I know, I know HARLOT).   We would go out in one of our respective towns and then crash at my place.  We were engaged by this point. 

One night we went out with my friends and were having a very in depth discussion when we got home.  As we were talking we were both undressing to go shower because we REEKED of smoke (clubbing in NOLA).  So I was mid sentence as I walked through the bathroom door and flicked on the light. Below is what happened.

Me: *turns on light* So that is why they got back to...*sees reflection in mirror* "AHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHH!"

**Note**: There is the mother of all "Bug who shall not be named" dangling from the top of the door frame ABOVE MY HEAD!

Not yet hubs: *not looking in my direction* What?
Me: *Runs INTO the bathroom and jumps on top the toilet seat* *whimpering noises*
Not yet hubs: OMG kill it!
Me: Me kill it!?!!?  You kill it!!! I am NAKED!
Not yet hubs:  *but ass nekkid on the other side of the room*  You are closer
Me:  WTF am I supposed to kill it *gestures at my sans clothing form* EEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEK *Its starting to flutter its wings*
Not yet hubs: I dunno, you are still closer *edging toward the bedroom door*
Me: *almost in tears* Give me a F**KING shoe at least!
Not yet hubs: *Throws a shoe AT me* *spooks the evil creature into taking flight*
Me: *screaming like I'm being murdered* Omg omg omg omg  *manages to find shoe* Die mother f**ker!!!!!!! *squish*
Not yet hubs: Is it dead?
Me:  *sobbing* I hate you!  *thing starts twitching* Ahhhhhh!  *bang bang bang* Okay I think its dead now.
Not yet hubs: We are both naked.
Me: I feel so dirty *shudder*

I swear I flushed the toilet 8 times to make sure it was gone!!!

A few weeks later was a couples party for our upcoming nuptials...my BFF whom I told the story to gave us a can of Raid and told my not yet hubs not to sacrifice me to the "bug who shall not be named"  again (she left off the "especially if she is without clothing" part because parents and grandparents were present). 

So the lesson I learned that night/morning (at 3AM) was that my not yet hubs was just as scared of, if not MORE scared of, a "bug that shall not be named" than I am...and that is saying something. 

Am I the only person who doesn't feel like they have to say "goodbye"?

I think people think that it is because I "can't deal with letting go" but honestly that isn't the case.  At least not for me.  I know many people...most people feel the need to say "goodbye" when someone is dying or has died.  And while I will pay my respects to those who are passing or have passed, I don't feel like it really helps me in any way. 

I dislike it.  And it isn't because of those reasons, like I don't like dealing with change/death/whatever.  It is because I have a memory(ies) of that person and I HATE that the last one I am going to have of them is of them weak or ghastly.  It is just something that has always baffled me.  I don't get closure from that.  Am I a freak?!?!  I again feel like a shrink would be like "boo, you have issues" but I really don't think I do.

I've always said (well as an adult) "funerals aren't for the deceased, they are for the ones left behind." Everyone said I would regret not going to my uncle's funeral.  Granted it was because I had an @$$hole of a professor who said "Uncle" wasn't considered immediate family and wouldn't excuse me from my final.  Could I have protested it?  Of course!  But I would have had an "Incomplete" for the semester until the university reached a decision and I truthfully didn't have much of a desire to go.  Again not because I didn't want to deal with it but because I just didn't feel like seeing him dead in a coffin and trying to console my hysterical family members would help me with my mourning.  Because lets be realistic, that is what would have happened.  For some reason many people at funerals want it to be all about them.  I can't tell you how many times I have been to a service and a fight/argument broke out over something as stupid as a flower and who was "allowed" to get one.  It makes my skin crawl.  It is a human thing (maybe I AM from Mars).  Many want the constant  attention of "feel sorry for me, my _____ has died".  And while yes that is sad, and I understand your grief, I personally don't deal well with theatrics. Being sad is one thing but I can't handle the over the top response.  I get that, that is just how some people are but it isn't me so don't try to pull me into that.  I am private, I mourn privately.  I tear up, I sniffle but don't come up to me and touch me intimately and be like "Go ahead and cry I am here for you." Because I will extract myself from you while probably laughing nervously and remove myself from the room. Everyone mourns differently, at least that is my take.  Unless I can tell someone wants a hug (you can tell by body language), I wont hug them...I wont just latch onto someone...I give my condolences and move along.  

Moving on.  If anything, going probably would have given me bad dreams.  The funeral wasn't for "him", he wasn't there...he had moved on...it was for my family...and seriously I love them but they are a bunch of nutters.  I didn't want to deal with the drama that was likely to ensue.  All I needed was my bat$hit crazy grandma trying to force me to go up to the coffin or force me to read during the service.  It was bad enough I got yelled at and called horrible names for not saying to hell with my final and going because I WAS supposed to read a passage.  I don't regret it.  Never have.  I went to the grave site later and I was fine.

I've been to quite a few funerals.  I don't go to the coffin, I have in the past but it didn't do anything for me.  It just isn't my thing...why is that so hard for people to understand this???  I don't NEED to see them one last time or touch their cold, lifeless skin.  I go to the services because those closest to the deceased need support.  Maybe this will change as I get older but I really doubt it.  I prefer to make funerals more of a remember the good times thing (which sometimes makes me VERY unpopular), instead of "hey, so and so died, lets all cry".

I am thinking about this because someone I know...someone I am close to is more than likely going to pass soon.  They don't know what is going on around them but I am and will be there for the grieving family.  I got the guilt trip of all guilt trips because I haven't put my life on hold to say goodbye (and continue to say goodbye).  I don't have to, in my opinion.  I've been to see them, I've realized it won't be much longer...its not good but I don't live nearby, I can't go everyday...does that make me a bad person...? I don't think they would want me to stop living because they are at the end of their journey...will I be sad, of course but what else am I supposed to do???

This is weird, right?

So I got an email this morning from GearXS.  And I just...what?

For one, they are licking air...there is NOTHING in the bowl and it looks weird.  Is this a Photoshop FAIL???  Lets take this pic of a random dog drinking and this pic of a cat drinking and put them next to our EMPTY "talking" bowl...voila, this will make us MILLIONS!

So of course I clicked on it because my curiosity got the best of me....

My evil side came out and I thought of all the ways myself and my loving husband can use this thing to freak the other one out!!!  Or use this thing to freak the dogs/cats out.  Because we are that mature in my household.  The possibilities are endless! 

Honestly I think my dogs would get REALLY pissed off.  They'd hear my voice 2 or 3 times and then destroy the bowl because "mom, God! You are so annoying!!!  I know I'm a good boy.  I just want some f**king water.  OMG stop chanting in Latin...your scaring Speedy!"

I wonder if you can switch it off?  Because with my luck I would record myself saying "Christo!" or "Preciousssssss" or some other psycho line from (Insert Fandom of Choice), so when my cat went to drink at 3AM I would hear that screamed from my living room.  I'd scare myself and probably have to peel my cat off the ceiling. 

I saw the price and REALLY considered purchasing it...that is more than 1/2 off!!! And FREE Shipping...It is a STEAL!

But alas I shall not purchase.  One because why on Earth would I want a recording of my voice playing every time the animals drink (yes, they miss me but this is WEIRD!) and B or two there is a reason it is more half off, right?  Maybe it is defective...maybe it only has one volume which would cause our ears to bleed...MAYBE it is a portal to another dimension and we would start hearing OTHER voices recorded...maybe it is sentient, sent by Skynet to spy on us and turn our furry companions against us!  I just can't take that chance. And I really need to layoff the Sci-Fi/Fantasy but lets be honest...that's not going to happen.

Someone else purchase this for my amusement!!!!!

P.S. I found another use for my tag "what would Satan do" *muahahaha*

Sweet Tea. . .it's a Southern Thang

Weeeeeell it's a US thing.  I knew this...I mean I've read online (everything you read online is fact) in various places how outside of our little Freedom Bubble people don't really do the cold tea thing.  I laughed hysterically at this post when I saw it the first time because, OMG it's hilarious!

11th commandment: thou shalt not lick the devils armpit

 

Anyways, I've never really put much thought to it outside of the randomness online.  I am an avid iced tea drinker...well I drink hot tea too but usually in winter or when I am sick...look I live in the devil's armpit, hot tea doesn't mix well with 90+ degrees and 100% humidity.  I barely drink hot coffee in the summer and that is only in the morning when I need a caffeine jolt. 
(and why did this seem like an appropriate pic?!?)

That being said, pouring a cup of sweet ICED tea at a restaurant is not something I'd think twice about....until recently.  I was at one of those serve your own drinks type places (not fast food).  There was a few of us at the counter and I was pouring some Iced Tea when I heard someone mumble "bloody Americans ruining tea" in an impressive British accent...and by impressive I mean sexy...yep I said that, say something!  






Myself and the girl next to me glanced over at this stupidly attractive young-ish guy, he winked at us and walked off.  "I...what just happened?!?!"  Neither of us responded at first...then we looked at each other and started giggling. 

My thoughts...was he really British or just messing with us?  How old was he because he looked REALLY young (not that I can talk)?  Why did he feel the need to comment on the tea??? Was that his way of flirting with one or both of us (not that I am interested)???  Ahhhh now I need to know!  I was near a college campus so he totally could be a grad student...or even a professor...maybe...which when I was in college we had A LOT of foreign professors in various subjects. 






So I guess now I know first hand (maybe, probably not) that we ARE considered a bunch of weirdos for drinking cold tea...who knew?!?

I might not be the bravest person but I'd like to think I would have done SOMETHING...

I'm just going to leave this here...

If you've read my stuff before, you know how I feel about blaming the victim.  The article doesn't victim blame exactly but some of the comments on FB made me want to stab people.  She was RAPED in broad daylight...not just raped, gang raped...while bystanders did nothing...NOTHING! 

This is the article.

This is a link to the FB page comments.

I am not going to beat a dead horse by repeating my mantra but people saying things like "how could she not remember she was raped?" (FYI being drugged really messes with your head, just saying!) and "She was on Spring Break, she should know that's what people do." and "She should have been more careful." (how about men shouldn't think that its OKAY to do this.) It made me want to cry.  Cry for her, cry for these "kids" who think THIS is normal because its "Spring Break", cry for humanity...God this is just sick!

Jesus take the wheel!

White knuckle driving doesn't even begin to describe my drive into work today.  I should have worked remote but it looked like it was clearing up so I drove in. . .BIG MISTAKE!

I waited to leave because there was a monsoon at my house and I knew the front of my hood would be flooded (I live in a swamp...a re-purposed swamp but still a swamp).  I checked the radar and figured it would be safe to venture out.  Look I don't mind driving in the rain, I mind other drivers who apparently never took physics.  The radar looked okay at 6:40AM...this was the Radar at 7:30AM...*waaaaaaaaaaaaaaah*

Aside from the blinding rain, my biggest concern was seeing so many vehicles on the side of the road.  I am not talking about pulled over for safety...I am talking about vehicles in the trees and against the guard rails.  Which I guess shouldn't be surprising since people apparently drive either 20 mph or 90 mph in the rain...there is no in between.
"Oh my god stop tailing me!"
"How are you driving that fast in this?!?!"
"How can you see the freaking road!"
"Holy $hit! At least put your flashers on if you are going to go that slow."

Of course the torrential downpour puddled on the interstate causing my car to randomly yell at me. *ding, ding, ding* *hydroplaning light flashing*
"yes, ol girl I know we are skidding!"
*ding ding ding* "Then f**king slow down!" 
"Don't tell me how to drive!"
*ding ding ding* "b**ch!"

Aside from the sheets of rain, the f**king angels were playing with strobe lights.  I swear a rave was going on in the sky.  *techno music playing* Once it struck the tree line next to me I decided the angels are on a bad trip and I REALLY should have just stayed home!  #angelsared**ks

It got even better as I got closer to my exit and traffic came to a standstill.  I mean who doesn't just LOVE sitting on the interstate in basically a hurricane while emergency vehicles blow past on the shoulder making your car have a seizure.  Hmmm, I wonder if the person in the wreck was going 90MPH...

My "unoccupied" uterus is NOT up for discussion

Seriously though...why is this a thing?  Why do people think it is okay to ask women insanely personal questions?  And I am not talking family and close friends...I am talking about people who are basically strangers.  No one asks my husband this stuff!

I don't mind being asked, do you have kids or are y'all planning on having kids.  That is fine.  I am talking about the grilling you get after you answer those questions.  Usually my end of the convo continues like this...

No we don't have kids.
Because it hasn't happened yet.

Yes, I want kids.  
No, nothing is "wrong" with me.  (WTF is wrong with YOU?)
Have I been....tested *raised eyebrow*?  My medical history is off limits.
Why does it have to be a problem with me?
Did you really just ask me if my husband's sperm was "good"?  (guess I "asked" for that one)  I should start replying to this one with, "*pondering* it tastes different depending on what he eats"
Yes, I know how to count days
No, I am not telling you when I usually ovulate!
Yes I know I am in my thirties.
Yes, I know I am not getting any younger.
My drinking/eating habits really aren't up for discussion

No, I will NOT stop working out.  That is stupid and the opposite of what the doctor says.
Yes, we've considered artificial methods but really don't want to go broke
Yes, I know we could get a loan but...why...?
OMG there is nothing wrong with adoption...and yes I am aware they wont be "blood related"
Um thanks for the prayers...stop...stop holding my hands and gazing into my eyes *creepy*
No I am not stressing out...if it doesn't happen, it doesn't happen
Really I am fine...please stop touching me
Why are you discussing MY reproductive system with another person?!?
Oh please don't give me that "pity" look, seriously I am fine
No, I wouldn't do "anything" to have a child...I am not going crazy over this...please stop.

I just feel like these are rather personal things that not everyone should think they are allowed to ask about.   It's bad enough when family starts on you I really don't need that guy I meet with twice a year asking if my Uterus is "occupied" yet.  RUDE! I swear pretty soon I am going to start saying "No, we don't want kids" which I am sure will get me a different plethora of inappropriate questions/comments.   

Just call me twitchy

So I look a bit like a nutter right now.  My eye is twitching.  I am talking like legit muscle spasm happening.  Its my upper eyelid and it is the absolute strangest sensation.  I can see my eye lashes dancing in my peripheral.  What makes it worse is that because it feels weird my initial instinct is to squint that eye.

So now I have a squinty, twitchy eye and I really think I need to go home.  I feel like I look like Squidwort, except it is the other eye.

The only remedy is reduce stress, take a nap and have a glass of wine...not necessarily in that order.

I REALLY need to go to the store but I am concerned I would frighten children.  I mean that actually wouldn't bother me but I'd hate to be attacked by some overprotective soccer mom who thinks I am a cracked out perv winking at her kid.  

Seriously, I look rough.  I mean I am my worst critic but for reals...my eyes are bloodshot, dark circles, kinda pale and TWITCHY.  I think the twitchy really finishes the look.  Why can't this $hit happen around Halloween, the twitch would really add to any proper mental patient/serial killer ensemble.

When you get to a certain age, the bitterness fairy descends upon you and makes you a horrible person!

That may sound mean and generalizing but lately it seems true.  Or maybe my family/extended family are a bunch of @$$holes that once we turn 60, feel the need to unleash the bottled up fury on unsuspecting persons. 

And by unsuspecting persons I mean me.  Now most of it wasn't directed at me so to say but the things I was told made me cringe.  Examples below (there was so much more but I wont bore you).

Old Person:, knows fully well I am working out, trying to lose some inches.  They say "Oh you've gained weight.  I mean look at your calves, they are at least twice the size they used to be.  Won't working out just make them bigger?  They shouldn't get bigger, then you'd look like a dyke"
Me: *stunned stare* A...a...a what?  That's not very nice and a wildly inappropriate term and no they are not twice their size nor will they get "bigger" *geesh*

Old Person: That "woman" *said with utter disdain* steals his money.  She's a golddigger, she NEVER wanted anything more than his money.  She came from nothing and leeches off of him.
Me: *developing a migraine* Are you sure?  I don't think that is accurate...they've been married for 20+ years and I distinctly remember her having a job and owning a home BEFORE...she was pretty independent. 
Old Person: You are so naive
Me: *screaming in my head* Wow...

Old Person: *speaking of my grandma from the other side of the family* Gertie would never allow that. She tried to control everything.
Me: Huh, you mean Gammie?  My grandmother?
Old Person: I KNOW your grandmother, her name is Gertie not Gammie. 
Me: What are you going on about?  I call her Gammie....
Old Person:  I coulda punched her in the face the first time we met *goes into a more than likely 
UNTRUE telling of a story I've never heard*
Me: Oh for the love of...That was before I was born...I am over 30...why does that even matter?
Old Person:  Because you speak highly of them and they are dirt
Me: *shaking with frustration* Woooooooooooooow....

Me: Look at this adorable picture of Uncle so and so's grand niece!
Old Person: Oh is that "HER" niece's daughter?
Me: Yes...
Old Person:  She's not very pretty
Me: That's ludicrous, she's gorgeous (and she's 6)
Old Person:  No, she isn't.  She is homely...ugly even
Me: That is an awful thing to say about a child!
Old Person:  She's not my family, doesn't matter
Me: *beating head on table* 

Old Person: Her husband is an alcoholic and has a gambling problem
Me: What? *getting concerned*  No he doesn't she would have told me if something was wrong.
Old Person:  He does.  He spends all their money and leaves nothing for her and the kids
Me: He works TWO jobs, that doesn't make any sense and he LOVES his kids AND wife
Old Person: He's not good enough for her.  He's a bad provider, you are so naive
Me: *jfc* Please don't spread that rumor...I don't think ANY of that is true.

Old Person:  Who was at the holiday dinner?
Me: Oh, the usual suspects.  Me, hubs, my brothers, their wives and kids.
Old Person: Step
Me: Huh? 
Old Person:  They are NOT your brothers.
Me: Um, yes they are
Old Person:  You have no relation to them except your father is married to THAT woman.
Me: *losing my cool* OMG! Look, "family don't end with blood", alright...and they've been married for almost 25 years!!!!

I just hate the anger, the rudeness, the BITTERNESS!  You have got to let some things go!  Just shoot me if I ever go down this path.  This is NO WAY to live.  Who wants to be in their golden years and absolutely HATE everyone.  Who the f**k holds onto grudges for over 20 years...30 years in some cases.  That CANNOT be good for your metal state.   Also, don't sit there and claim to be all religious.  You are NOT living like God taught us or whatever.  You covet your "neighbors" belongings, you hate everyone, you LIE all the time...you are NOT a good person, you are toxic and you just justified why I rarely visit!

Will I go back...yes, I have to because family and whatnot...do I want to...not really....will it be often...nope.

On a completely unrelated note - One of these persons is also a borderline hoarder...I swear I break out in hives every time I visit.  Who the f**k needs 8 boxes of creamer and 6 cases of cereal???  And no its not for a huge family...TWO PEOPLE...TWO!

I AM so impressive!

So this weekend was this pretty popular race thing in the NOLA area.  Its called the Crescent City Classic (CCC) and I swear everybody and their momma runs/walks it.  Anyways, I haven't done it in a few years so I was super excited, especially since I am in "must get rid of flab" mode.  All week before the race I checked the weather. It was to get cooler overnight from Friday to Saturday BUT Saturday it would be GORGEOUS for the classic.  Sunny and a high of like 72 *whoohoo*.

Then Saturday happened and I remembered I live in South Louisiana and the weather has a mind of its own.  I woke up at the @$$ crack of dawn..actually before the sun came up...and it was hot as Hades, "hmmm, that's odd".  So I got ready and headed to meet my race buddy.  It started raining 1/2 way to her house, "WTF, no no no bad mother nature!"  I was running early (go me) so I stopped to get a breakfast bar thingy and use the potty.  While in said potty I am 99.9% certain I walked in on someone doing a line of cocaine, "Um, morning...".  Now it is raining steadily (but still effing hot).

So we get to the start area and mother nature says "muahahaha, you all shall die" or something of that caliber as she proceeds to blast us with frigid winds and more rain...not hard just misty/drizzly and freaking annoying.  What is happening?!?!?  What happened to sunny and 72????  As we waited for the race of 40,000 people to begin we all stood in our corrals jumping around and bouncing trying to stay warm.  All I have to say is THANK GOD I grabbed a light jacket.  It wasn't much but it was better than nothing. 

*starting pistol fires* And we are off.  Run, run, run.  Did I mention I haven't worked out or done anything more than walk in my hood in over a month because of a knee injury? Yea, I am smart.  Anyways, I apparently think I am super woman.  I ran about 2/3 of the race.  It is a 10K.  I ran for more than 4 miles!  Granted for 1/3 I was walking but I was SPEED WALKING.  That may seem like a piss in the wind to some of you but when you haven't run a race in 3+ years and haven't worked out in over a month that is IMPRESSIVE in my book. 

Now while we were running apparently there was a "cool front" coming through (hey, mother nature! Don't you know its April!?), hence the stupid rain/wind.  As we turned down Decatur the wind was in our faces...we were running into the f**king wind, a 10mph COLD wind.  FML!  I couldn't keep going, I couldn't catch my breath, I thought I was going to die.  Then we turned onto Esplanade Ave and I was good, not as good as my racing buddy but good (well aside from the "my uterus is trying to escape" pain).  She went ahead while I contemplated just walking the remainder.  Then an elderly man passed me and my carefully hidden competitive side kicked in (not competitive with him, with myself) and said "you wuss, he is probably in his 70's...RUN!" So I did and it felt great.  Until the rain got REALLY heavy.  Like, "oh look I am a drowned rat" heavy.  I slowed down to a speed walk.  All I kept thinking is "I will slip and it will be bad".  Then a group of frat boys jogged passed me dragging a wagon with a cooler and speakers.  All of them were drinking beer and handing out jello shots.  "Son of a b***h!" So I ran near them the rest of the race, well I walked some but usually caught up to them.  At least I had music (I forgot my ear buds). 

I was so proud of myself until I woke up Sunday.  *relaxed sigh* Happy Easter! Then I tried to get out of bed and almost fell on the floor.  "OMG someone lit my thighs on fire!!!!" My legs were  freaking sore!  So sore that I decided to forgo wearing my new wedges with my dress...I wore FLATS!  That is insanity for vertically challenged me.  But it was just my quads, the rest of me was perfectly fine, a little sore but normal...my quads were like "WTH were you thinking woman?!?"

But that is my motivation!  I will get to the point where I can once again run most of a 10k and not want to murder someone the next day.  And yes I stretched before and after, I am just out of shape hahaha.  Also note, that running with cramps (not runner's cramps) sucks big donkey d**k!  It is official, my body hates me!

Facebook you have gone too far!

Excuse you master of social media but I don't think that is anything I need or want to discuss with you.

I don't recall Googling ANYTHING that would have prompted this to pop up in my feed. The last thing I googled was flowers on sale on Zulily!  I just find this inappropriate on various levels.  Stupid web tracking bull$hit.  Also, that rose in the vag...really?!?!  Yea yea it's your "flower" or whatever but roses have thorns and I really wouldn't recommend putting a plant near your hoohah.

In other news...
I am reading this "story" and I swear my head may explode because it is so out there!  Not in a good way, in a "do you understand how the sex works" kind of way.  But I keep reading it because its like a f**king train wreck, I just can't look away.  I must know how this insanity ends!

I'll sum it up briefly.  Young girl (about 30) meets handsome-ish older man (about 56) and falls in love.  Okay THAT does NOT bother me.  What bothers me is he is 56, not on his deathbed!  The whole story seems to revolve around him being self conscious about his "aging" body, how he is past his prime and will die a horrible death leaving the girl all alone.  Okay yea, obvi he is MUCH older but come on, he ain't dead yet.  So like there is all this "old man" talk, like he has dementia (yes, I know it can happen young but good lord), he takes 10 pills twice a day for this insane list of issues which include but aren't limited to COPD, Anxiety & heart disease (yes, I know this can happen but really...at 56?, my dad is 64 with COPD and he is not like this.  Hell my father in law IS 56 and smokes just like this character and he looks like a strapping young man), this guy is basically decrepit.  

Then there is the sex thing.  When writing at least TRY to make it believable.  I get that its fiction/fantasy but when you say things like "he made her orgasm 6 times in a row with just his digits before burying himself in her" I put my iPad down and laugh hysterically.  Also, if a guy is 8 inches long and 4 inches wide while flaccid and then 10 inches long and 6 inches wide excited, jfc RUNAWAY......OW!  That is like split you in two kid of d**k.  That my friend is not normal!  That is porn star level c**k!  That isn't appealing...what that is...is terrifying!  It sounds like a case of elephantiasis.  I don't think there is any amount of slowness and breathing that could stretch ya for THAT!  Which brings me to, did she unhinge her f**king jaw?!!??!  Count me impressed...I guess.  I am hoping the writer did some conversions wrong because otherwise...YIKES!  Side note, if he is so "decrepit" then how is this exhaustive sex possible...hmmmm?


Moving on...he is also a royal @$$hole (I can deal with this a little) and he is possessive.  Not protective...POSSESSIVE..."she is mine...don't look at her...Grrrrrr!"  Is that romantic...is it....I don't find it to be but I...whatever.  Then there are these pretty awful depictions of gay couples.  Not as in gay bashing really but like stereotypical attributes.  Like one is the female and one is the male.  How gay men lust after every man they see.  How just because there are two single gay men in a room they instantly fall in love.  How ALL girls experiment in college making them all Bi for the remainder of their lives and want threesomes.  I kissed a girl...and I liked it (sorry, not sorry) but I don't think that makes me anything other than me.  Honestly its a bit unnerving.  And I think in trying to be "open-minded" they made this aging piece of $hit Bi.  That is fine but the descriptions of how he feels about men and women sound so juvenile my only conclusion is the writer HAS to be 12 (can you publish soft porn at 12?).  Yet, I continue to read it because I am clearly bonkers.  I just think at this point I must know how this insanity will end.  I have a feeling the old dude is going to kick the bucket because you know 56 is ANCIENT *rolling eyes* and his "baby" of a girlfriend is going to have to care for him like he is in a f**king hospice.

Rant over!