Its supposed to be 100% horribly wrong, politically incorrect, your ticket to hell...that is the POINT!

Alright, so over the various holidays we've played CAH (Cards Against Humanity) with a few different groups.  And I have to say with 100% certainty it is WASTED on some people.  If a card asks you "Something you do not want to find in your chicken lo mein" and your answers are pork chops (why?!?), menstrual blood, the remains of aborted fetus', pasta with meatballs (seriously WTF?!?!), Bill Clinton playing the saxophone naked (funny-ish), a piano playing Mozart (are you even trying?!?), fingernails.  What would you pick???

While I agree you probably don't want to find any of those in your chicken lo mein, the POINT of CAH is to pick the funniest, most off the wall one. Why would you pick pork chops?!?!?!  Why would someone play pork chops?!?!?!   That isn't funny.  I would have gone with "menstrual blood" or "the remains of aborted fetus'".  I know its up to the person who picked the black card but come on...work with us here.  And yes, I know sometimes you get a $hit set of white cards but TRY. 

Another one was "why can't I sleep at night", I don't remember all the white cards exactly but ... Date Rape, sparkledogs, black people, something about the degradation of the white race, Incest, something about Pac-man, and cum, or The primal ball slapping sex your parents are having right now.  They picked SPARKLEDOGS.  Are you f**king kidding me?!?!!?  There are so many better options!!!!

The ENTIRE game was like that on separate occasions with different groups.  It was like they were SCARED to be offensive.  It is supposed to be OFFENSIVE!!!!  Apparently I don't know many "horrible people".  So everyone got "bored". Of course you got bored.  You have to at least ATTEMPT to make it WRONG.  The game is only as funny/fun as the people playing. 

I tried so hard.  I played the most awful/disgusting/disturbing white cards I could.  Of course I didn't have a "good one" every time but I did try and my card was only ever picked by one of the two or three other players who CLEARLY understood the point was to be WRONG.  Thank God for Menstrual Rage (yay I won one!!!), now filed under things I never thought I would say. 

Santa is not a Demon. You people have gone too far. Stop ruining Christmas with your nonsense!

Look I am all about freedom of religion, belief, choice, opinion, whatever but do NOT ruin something for everyone...especially kids...because YOU suddenly feel like everything that doesn't directly says "Jesus Christ" is satanic.

I saw something on Social Media that made me want to go on a spree.  Still undecided if it was a murdering spree or running spree...but it was one of them.  I saw this:

"Santa's a Demon! The uncomfortable truth about Christmas"

I saw the article linked to a "friend's" page along with the statement that said "This is why I told my child that Santa, the Easter bunny, etc. isn't real and we celebrate Jesus Christ in my house!"

Okay fine.  That's fine.  No.It.Isn't!!!  Your child is 7.  Why would you take this away from your baby?!?!?!  He is being raised catholic/christian.   All of his cousins and classmates Believe in Santa.  Why would you ruin the magic of Christmas like this?!?!?!  Not to mention, if he goes to school or to his cousin's house and regurgitates that, how do you think those parents will feel?  How do you think those kids will feel?  I can tell you right now if your extremest uneducated skewed religious bull$hit spoiled the magic of Christmas for one of MY littles, you better run because I can't be held responsible for my actions.  And you better run fast because I've been training and I am pretty quick. 

Why can't you teach him that Christmas is about Jesus and still let him enjoy the magic?  I grew up believing in Santa and I didn't turn into a "devil worshiper".  This is the stupidest thing I have ever read in my life.  This takes the cake on extreme religion.  I am sorry you are "scared of Santa" but come on.  Do you even know the origin story????  Do you?  Because based on this fear mongering article you shared you do not! And just because Santa and Satan are spelled similarly doesn't mean anything!!!!

Read this.  Yea yea, I know History Channel isn't law but they do a pretty good job when it comes to research...usually.  It is widely believed that Santa Claus is based off of St. Nicholas (a real person). "The name Santa Claus evolved from Nick’s Dutch nickname, Sinter Klaas, a shortened form of Sint Nikolaas (Dutch for Saint Nicholas)." What the f**k is Satanic about that?!?!?!

12/25 is a pagan holiday, therefore Santa is a pagan god.  Hey, again...know your history.  Yes 12/25 is originally a "pagan holiday".  It is the final day for the celebration of the Winter Solstice.  A holiday that was literally hijacked by Christians.  So while you are correct, Jesus was probably born in the Spring, our religious forefathers more than likely decided that it was a time when people already celebrated things so why not use it as Jesus' birthday.  The celebration of Saint Nicholas is 12/6 or 12/19 depending on where you are from...so I guess they kind of morphed together for some of us.  At least that is my understanding. 

Krampus isn't the underlying "demon" hiding behind Santa or Santa Claus' alter-ego, making Santa "evil".  Do you even know how to Google?!?  Or go the f**king library.  "Krampus is believed to be a beastial creature who accompanies St. Nicholas on his earthly journey. While St. Nicholas rewards the good children with gifts and sweets, Krampus dispenses punishment to the wicked children who have strayed from the path of good. It is said he takes care of St. Nick's "naughty list"."  Krampus was created to scare the $hit out of naughty kids just like the legend of Santa has morphed into a figure to reward "nice" kids...so they'd behave!  If anything Krampus makes Santa appear even more Saintly.   And lets be real, you only know about Krampus because of that crazy movie that just came out.  Almost no one here in the states knew what that thing was before so just stop.

This isn't a f**king witch eating a baby in some sort of demon worship!!!!

Link to original pic

This is Grýla.  Grýla is a mythical giantess living in the mountains of Iceland. Most of the stories told about Grýla were to frighten bad children.

My point is there isn't anything Satanic about Santa, Krampus, or Grýla.  These are stories to scare little kids into behaving.  There is nothing pagan about December 25th or Santa.  Unless you are a pagan and are celebrating the Winter Solstice, it's f**king Christmas!  Why do people have to ruin Christmas with their ignorant bull$hit!

Side Note - does that mean that little Johnny doesn't get gifts for Christmas because that is part of the "pagan" tradition? Or are you going to say the gifts represent the gifts from the Magi?  Because if that's the case you should wait until 1/6 (Three King's Day or the Epiphany).  I'm not trying to be an @$$hole...wait, this time I am.  People make me STABBY!!!!!

Oh and while we are at it Xmas (yes I know its a Wiki link but it makes sense) does not mean we are removing "Christ" from Christmas .  It is a shortened version of the word, not meant to be disrespectful. It was happening LOOOOONG before some crackhead in recent history decided to get pissy about it.  I can't put it any better than this response to someone who was butthurt by the word "Xmas": " 'X' is the Greek letter "Chi" which is the first letter of "Christos". You should probably be aware that the fish that's almost certainly on the back of your car "ΙΧΘΥΣ" is an acronym for "Ίησοῦς Χριστός, Θεοῦ Υἱός, Σωτήρ", which translated means "Jesus Christ, Son of God, Saviour" so the use of "X" in "Xmas" actually doesn't violate your sensitive beliefs" ~ Chris Hardwick.  Meaning, if people write xmas, they aren't being jerks.  If you want to write out Christmas go 'head.

My point is stop trying to make something out of nothing.  Stop trying to find evil in innocent things.  Stop being an @$$hole!  If you don't like the commercialism of Santa, fine...but don't ruin it for everyone else.  Be respectful of others just like you DEMAND them to be respectful of you.

Laughing so hard you pittle a bit

Okay so apparently this has been around since 2009 but I've never seen it.  I laughed so hard my co-workers seem to think I was having some sort of attack.  Seriously, either I am already drunk just THINKING about our Christmas lunch or this is some funny @$$ $hit! What kind of weirdo sense of humor do I have that YouTube decided that THIS would be a perfect "suggested" video?!?!? Good doG, I'll never be about to look at 10 the same way again...

Are you f**king kidding me!?!?!?

I can't embed the video because the user disabled that feature BUT the link is above.  If you've seen it before...sorry but I hadn't so I am sharing. 

It is synced perfectly.  I mean if I didn't know any better I would think he is in fact doing that...in his pants.

I can't even right now *snort*

I can't decide if he's laughing...crying...or uh a, should be a part of the video...HA!

This is how it happens. This is how Skynet takes over!

I need a degree in Computer Engineering to use a treadmill....and no I am not an anti-tech person.  But I haven't had a Gym membership in over a year.  I just signed up again and I don't understand how to use the new equipment.  Its WAY more techy than the $hit I am used to. 

It can't be that hard...right?!?  Wrong!  I feel like a super goob trying to use the f**king treadmill!  Its a TREADMILL for doGs sake!!!  So we have a touchscreen thingy to control it but we also have buttons by the handles.  There is a TV on it above the touch screen that you can control...with a remote...or maybe with the touch screen.  There are 5 wires sticking out of it that kind of remind me of the charging wires for my phone so I am thinking you can connect it.  But it also says Bluetooth.  Whatever shall I do!?!?!? In order to get a "lesson" from a trainer I have to schedule an appointment BEFORE 5PM...I get off at 4:30...FML!!!

I just want to run on a f**king treadmill and track my calories/miles/speed.  While listening to music via Pandora via the "FREE" WiFi.  Is that too much to f**king ask for?!?!?  And by Free WiFi I mean WiFi that works.  Not WiFi that kind of works, then cuts out, then cuts back...then disappears, then comes back again.  There were literally 5 people in the ENTIRE GYM including me and the employees.  Why was it being such an @$$hole?!?!?

Side note - my resting temp on average is 97.2 degrees.  When I am in A/C (like in a gym) my hands feel like bony icicles of death, even when I am working out!  It is like all the blood drains from my extremities or something.  This means that touch screens are NOT my friends!!! STG I have to put my hands in my armpits to warm them up enough for the f**king touch screen to realize I am in fact alive.  Which looks like I am doing some weird running impression of Mary Katherine Gallagher ...and no I do not smell them after. 

Moving on.  It took me 15 minutes to figure out how to program a workout.  I didn't connect my phone because I wasn't sure.  I pressed start...it went immediately to 7mph.  I am 5'1"...my little legs don't really go that fast!

Then it told me I had done 1 minute (only a minute?!?!? that felt like a f**king eternity!) and had 2,497 minutes left in my workout...

That would be running for 41.6 HOURS.  Do I look like Forest Gump!?!?!  I think I did something wrong...whatever I did 45 minutes and pressed the cool down BUTTON.  I tried to find a "how to use a lifefitness treadmill" tutorial online but I got nothing.  So I will go back to the gym tonight and attempt to figure this f**ker out again. 

Maybe I should stick to the classes...

 

I immediately regret my decision to Google that...AGAIN

Okay so we all know I binge watched Jessica Jones, right?  Right.  Anyways, if you read my random ramblings here you will see there is a statement that piqued my curiosity. 

Everyone's favorite love to hate psychopath said something...which I could only assume is British...or would it be English...whatever its one of those...slang. My thoughts were "He called her an anal crumpet....is that a weird sex thing?  Or an interesting insult... ewwww". 

So I told my husband this and he's been randomly parroting it around the house because he is FIVE...but at some point he changed it to @$$ Crumpet...then he randomly Googled it last night because he wanted to know what it meant ... and now I am SCARRED FOR LIFE!

Urban Dictionary:
A crunchy ring of residue built up around the anus. The result of poor @ss wiping.

In case you didn't know Urban Dictionary is always 100% accurate and true *sarcasm* but regardless I need a memory wipe that doesn't, uh, leave any residue.  

FYI the "definition" for the original term is (Urban Dictionary):
The anal crumpet is an individual whose morals have collapsed into the rectum and much like hemorrhoids, they are painful to be around. This is an individual who is despicable and irrefutably nasty and has a history of being a player or attempting to be a player. The anal crumpet has no morals or is morally ambiguous, making them extremely unattractive or otherwise creepy.

I've been laughing hysterically because that is basically the description of Kilgrave, which if this is a true "definition", I am assuming is what the writers were trying to convey.  But since I didn't know the slang (clearly meant to be an insult)...I was confused.  And because I was scared of actually Googling that term...I didn't Google it.  I mean how do you explain THAT in your web search history without sounding like a perv?!?!  So I let my husband do it *muahahaha*.

Doth my eyes deceive me?

Yes!  Yes they do!!!  I don't understand.  I am in my 30's, I was in dance and theater...I know how to put on makeup.  I know how to make my eyes "pop" and whatnot.  So why does the camera not capture it!?!?!?! 

Does anyone else have this issue???  I am not talking about heavy liner/going out type looks.  I am talking about the subtle but noticeable accenting of your eyes.  Where you are enhancing your looks but without looking like you were attacked by a sharpie. 

I hate when I finish my makeup and I am like, "Ooooo yea, that looks good".  Then I see pics on my phone and I am like "where the f**k did my eyebrows go?!?!" I go to the ladies room to "touch up" and in the mirror my eyes are like *bam*. Dafuq?!?!?  

Seriously though...how do I see this in the mirror:

And this in pics:

What sorcery is this?!?!?! I even lost the shading of my iris.  Am I a zombie?  A vampire?  What is happening?!?!?!  Do I have some sort of weird skewed way of seeing my reflection?  I hate to cake on MORE makeup just for pics.  I take that back, its not ALL pics.  Its pics on cell phones!  Professional photos or pics on my "fancy" camera look way better.  And I don't have a $hit phone.  I have an iPhone 6 and my friend has a brand new Galaxy...WTF man?!!?!?

**Note** - Yes I did draw those...don't laugh...they were quickie sketches done at my desk to illustrate a point. 

This is from The Onion, right? Surely, America isn't really THIS uneducated...?

So I saw this:

My initial thought was "Ohhhh, someone at IFLS is getting in trouble....they done posted an Onion Article as fact".  And then I read the IFLS Article and the REAL NEWS ARTICLE and I face palmed so hard people are gonna think my husband beats me. 

In a town on North Carolina, a council REJECTED a new Solar Farm...mind you they have other solar farms already in use from what I gather...below were some of the arguments against it.  Its not direct quotes but the main ideas came from article linked at the bottom...

- A retired science teacher is concerned that photosynthesis would not happen and would keep the vegetation from growing. She said she has observed areas near solar panels where vegetation is brown and dead because it did not receive enough sunlight.

- She also questioned the high number of cancer deaths in the area, saying no one could tell her that solar panels didn’t cause cancer.

 

- You’re killing your town, All the young people are going to move out.

- The solar farms would suck up all the energy from the sun and businesses would not come to Woodland.

How can people actually believe anything of that nature?!?!?  This isn't the dark ages...do they not know how basic science works???  Okay, I get being unaware...MAYBE...but it is 2015 at least RESEARCH before you spew this nonsense.  We aren't depleting an energy source, we are using something that we already have in a different way.   Harnessing the "power" of the Sun will not make the sun go out!!!  Solar panels don't "steal sunlight" from plants and kill them, that is silly (science teacher my left ovary).  Solar panels don't cause cancer.  Prolonged exposure to the sun causes cancer...solar panels don't pull in more "rays" to the area.  So unless you are sitting inside the solar panel farm,  on top of a f**king solar panel (I don't recommend this...as someone said...you would fry before the cancer got you), you aren't getting increased exposure. 

Another commentor said "Pretty sure the young people aren't moving away from Woodland because of the solar farms. I'm pretty sure they are moving away from that town because the folk who inhabit it are missing a few chromosomes." (agreed) 

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