Count your blessings!

Alright, its that time of year where we see all of our "lovely" family.  And can I say...I feel like a busted can of biscuits compared to most.  I'm not far per se but I am not in shape. Things are popping out where they aren't supposed to.

With that said I've been around friends and family that look AMAZING.  They are slim and trim and not busting out like I am.  Well I say like I am.  Let me be clear.  I still am small.  Like way smaller than most but I am not as fit as before.  As in I am a bit...um...soft. 

It's a bit annoying.  I am NOT the inactive...soft type.  But then I took a step back.  The ones that are...more fit.  They are the ones that are divorced...separated...not in any type of relationship or "real" job.  They aren't stable.

I don't wish ill on anyone but that really puts things in perspective.  I have an AMAZING husband, beautiful friends, and supportive family.  Yea I am not in the shape I used to be in.  I am 100% certain I may be in SIGNIFICANT pain for the LA half but...I am happy. 

That means something right?  I have the great hubby.  I have the good job.  I have a really good life.   It's not always perfect but its mine. 

Anyways point being...yea they look good because they are working out to meet a new beau but I look like me.  I am 100% going to start running more.  But for me, not for anyone else.  I could be jealous but I'm not.  I wouldn't trade my squishy@$$ with an awesome home life for their rock hard abs but no one to go home to. 

That sounds really judge-y but I honestly don't mean it to  be.  I mean it more as a "the grass isn't always greener".  That's what I see.  Yea they look great but the CRAP they are dealing with isn't great. I hope it gets better for them...seriously I do.

So off I go to try and be a better me but not at the cost of my really good life. 

Peace out peeps!  Be happy with you.  Be happy with what you have.  Happy New Year my lovelies and don't forget to see what you have and stop stressing about what you don't. 

I think I lost a nipple

In recent travels I started writing on the opaque shower walls.  Like once it’s steamed up I write “I know what you did”, “your husband knows”, or just “I know”.  You might says it’s pointless because they clean after every guest...true but I feel there is a height limit to the shower cleaning....like above the head, it’s good unless noticeably dirty.

Anyways, I am currently on a getaway trip with the sig other.  We have this....shower.  It’s super nice. Big enough for four 😳 with two wall shower heads and a rainfall head above.  The problem....the water temp is either Loki’s nipple or Hades hot tub....there is no in between!  So I either 

or

.....looks like I’m losing skin this trip.

Not to mention, for a five star hotel, the water takes FOREVER to warm up! Once it got to Dante’s inferno I realized only one head was working.

After fiddling with a knob, the rainfall started but it was freezing cold *shrill scream*. I stepped in once it was around the surface of the sun.

But why is that other wall just dribbling...?

FINE I only need two heads!

After my skin adjusted to the boiling waters of hell, I began to enjoy my multi head shower.

I was bent over shaving a leg when that stupid third head decided to join in the fun. By sending a powerful blast of ice water straight at my tatas.

The spray was coming out so hard it covered the entire shower area.  Opening the door would have soaked the bathroom.  I finally plastered myself against the opposite wall and tried to turn it off. 

Every direction I turned the knobs just adjusted the two original heads.  This mutant shower head was unaffected. 

It eventually warmed up to cooling lava but the stream was so strong it exfoliated...well everything and I was still covered in soap.

I did my best impression of a speed showerer and somehow managed to finally turn off the water.

I have no idea what happened but looking at the head, I think a piece popped out that controls the intensity of the water.  I’m now bright red, half shaved, with a knotted mess of hair...but hey, at least I’m clean....

Accidental Crotchless Panties

Can I get a do over?!?!?

It was raining cats and dogs when I woke up.  I had somewhere to be for work but the hubs was still sleeping.  This meant I got dressed in very limited lighting.  After a harrowing drive to the office I needed some serious caffeine and a potty. Potty first...

In my non caffeinated stupor I almost missed the tiny tear in my undies.  "Hmmm that's odd". It was about a half inch across near the crotch area.  "These are brand new, wtf?!?!?!"  It looked like someone took a scissor to them!  I have so many questions....

A little while later I went back to potty "OMG its bigger!!!" 

Drank a little too much caffeine.... "JFC its almost halfway across now!!!!"

Went to lunch, came back... "Sweet Baby Jesus this B**ch is hanging by a thread!" 

Had a mini meeting...I am talking in front of people ...when suddenly I feel a tickle...in my nether regions.

This can't be happening.... "no...no no no no no.....oh my god..."

There was a definite change in temperature.  I could hardly focus on anything but the fact that my f**king thong snapped and was now nothing more than a really sad loin cloth that barely covered...ANYTHING.  Must continue...

Why do people think going commando is sexy?!?!?  I don't find it sexy...its weird...and a little drafty!!!!

Can I get a redo?

I swear I wasn't watching ... that!

So a recent lovely Sunday I was being a lazy $hit doing nothing.  I was hanging out doing one of my fav things to do in October.....WATCH HORROR MOVIES!!!!

Since my house is decorated as a mini house of horrors its only fitting, right?!  Well during my "me" time someone rang my doorbell.  "Hmmmm, who could that be...?"  I decided to ignore it, I'm busy.  They rang it again... "Ugh fine!"  

I opened the door to the most adorable little boy.  He was in his cub scouts uniform, he had glasses, and he was so freaking nervous.  As soon as I walked out he started reading from a sheet of paper, "hello, my name is _____.  I am with troop ____.  I am selling popcorn.  Would you help my troop, please?" *looks up with the most adorable grin ever*  

Me *thinking* fuuuuuck how can I say no to that?!?!?! *said* of course sugar!

I go inside to get my money and come back.  I left the door partially open because I had the psycho barkers penned up (I had an extra for the day so there were 3).  They were losing their $HIT barking the whole time.  As I am filling out the form, the pups got silent.  And all you could hear what I was watching....

*moaning*
*screams*

Me: I'm watching a scary movie.

*skin slapping*, *more moaning*

*blood curdling scream*

*knocking* "No stop, let me out, let me out!!!!" 

Me: *ah hem* Here's my money *nervous grin*

Kid: Thanks miss!!! I'll deliver it when we get it.
Dad: *suspicious stare* Um thanks...have a...good day...?

Me: Bye!!! *sounds of a murder* Have a great day! *waving*

I feel like dad thinks I was watching a porno...I was not but sometimes there is a fine line between porn and horror.

I fail at flirting

So, I played third wheel the other night with my bestie and her beau.  I wasn't driving so I partook in some libations.  Maybe more than some.  Okay maybe more than my little body should.  Alright, I got little pieyied (sp?). 

I had three 20 oz Oktoberfest beers...THREE!  That is 60 ounces of beer... I am not that big.  Anyways, when getting my last beer the following occurred between me and the guy serving me.

Guy: You should come back
Me: I am next weekend
Guy: No sooner
Me: 

Guy: *laughing* Like, before we close 

Me: 

Guy: How about 20 min, here?

Me:

No, Married

Guy: 

What's your name?

Me: 

Married

Guy: Well this is on the house, "Married". Be here in 20 min and we'll pretend you're not.

Me: 

Guy: *yelling* 20 minutes baby girl!

OMG Really?!?!!?

And no I did NOT return. 

It seriously took me way too long to realize he was hitting on me!  I mean I'm, uh, flattered but take the 'No' for an answer dude.  My rings were plain as day...just...thanks but stop.

Turtles do not belong in there!!!

So I saw this:

What did I say last time?!?!! Why does this keep happening!??!?!

Then I read the article and...

Link

"Doctors found a small dead turtle in her vagina, which caused a “serious infection,”"

"The 26-year-old woman said she had been partying with a group of British friends a few days earlier but doesn’t remember what happened that night,”

Did...did the "friends" put it in there????

Who....who does that?!?!?!? 

Who does that to a "friend", no less!?!?!

Thor is an @$$hole

Sooooo I have this car.  This car that I've been paying on for a few years.  This car that I really like. Anyways, this car is paid off as of Tuesday.

The universe being the b**ch that she is decided to mess with me.  We are in a bit of a dry spell thanks to Florence.  I think the chance of rain all this week is less than 10%. LESS THAN 10%!!!!

Imagine my surprise when I was driving home Tuesday AFTER MAKING MY LAST CAR PAYMENT and seeing rain.  Meh, okay...stupid summer shower.  Stupid summer shower that turned into a mini hurricane!

It went from "oh its sprinkling" to "JFC I can't see the road" in like two seconds.  With the blinding rain was the most ridiculous light show I have seen it in some time.  It was like drunk Thor trying to shock Loki while he's sleeping. 

Great, fine...I'll just drive 10 mph down I10.  I was singing along with Hamilton.  "What as that?"  *singing* "Seriously, WTH was that...?" *turns down radio* *ping, ping* 

*ping ping ping ping*

"Is that f**king hail?!?!" *ping ping ping ping PING* 

"Stop it!!!!!  God dammit, I just paid this f**king car off!!!!!" 

The rain stopped, the sun came out, and a rainbow shown across I10.  "are you mocking me!?!?!?"

So yea...I paid off my stupid car and drove through a hail storm when there was a literal 10% chance of rain and then a rainbow popped up.

The universe got jokes.....

Side note - No damage...whew!

Wasn't that, that God in that Movie...?

No no not the shoe...

Right?!?!!  Wasn't it...?

Oh wait... Jobu, Jambu...close enough

I need to go watch Major League again....

I've seen it enough times I could quote it

Before he sold Allstate