Plants are sentient...I for one welcome our new vegetation overlords...

So I love to garden, right?  Well we are trying to move so we are ramping up the look of our house.  This just means my normal spring gardening just got 10 times more difficult.  I always do a spring clean up but when you are going for pleasing aesthetics you go a little more over the top.

Step one prune back the monster bushes that have taken over the garden.

As I've stated in the past these things went through a flood and ever since have become enormous.  I trim them WAY back every year...multiple times and they grow right back to their mutant state.  My only conclusion is some nutrient in the water from FIVE YEARS AGO changed them somehow.  Its like Radioactive Miracle Gro or something.

Anyways, as I was hacking away at the shrubbery I realized something....it was fighting back!!!!

1.  I was slapped in the face on more than one occasion by "rogue" branches.  

2.  I kept getting caught on branches, that refused to let me go

3.  My shears and saw kept getting ripped from my hands by stubborn shrubbery

4.   I was attacked (or just scared $hitless) by wasps, bumble bees, ants, beetles, doodle bugs, skinks, lizards, baby snakes (non-venomous), spiders (non-venomous), BIRDS....shall I keep going?!?!?!

5.  A plant sneezed on me.  No really...as I was chopping away at one of the shrubs it erupted into a cloud of yellow pollen.  It was like the f**king thing went "ah choo *pahahaha*" in my face! 

 

Basically, I was covered in plant jizz! *ewwwwww*

6.  And this is the kicker.  I am VERY careful in the garden.  Anything with 3 leaves or red vines I steer clear of.  Yet 3 days after playing in my garden...I have a blistery red rash on one arm.  WTF?!?!?!!?  F**k you poison ivy!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

So now I am a sneezy itchy mess and I have a fancy dress party in one day.  Just shoot me now *sobbing*.

Age does not equal maturity...it seems lately some of the most immature people are our elders

While I know we all have our faults; we all learn new things everyday.  The day I think I know it all slap me, because you NEVER know everything.

With that said the way people react to situations really speaks volumes to me.  When we win a "battle" our natural instinct is to celebrate.  But knowing when that celebration is appropriate shows maturity.

We wont always get our way.  Things happen, sometimes we lose.  But just because we "win" doesn't mean we can take joy in someone's loss.  At least not in front of them.  Gloating is one of the biggest signs of immaturity.  We all do it, have done it, but there are some situations where you should NEVER DO IT.  Usually these are serious situations, like oh I dunno...death. 

Death can brings families together or tear them apart.  I seem to be bearing witness to a "tear them apart" situation.  And its all because the "adults" can't play nice.  They seem to all want to screw each other out of their meager inheritances.  They are bragging about what they 'got' or have power of.  There is a will that states how things should be but people are bucking the system.  They are fighting.  They are manipulating. They aren't playing fair.  And I don't understand.  Someone you love DIED!  Do you think they would want you fighting over what THEY already took care of. 

I'm the eldest so I should get _______________
I'm the only girl so I should get ______________
I'm the baby so I should get ________________

I am, I am, I am...its all f**king bull$hit!

THIS DOESN'T MATTER!  None of this matters.   The tomb wasn't even closed before you started f**king fighting! 

If I was your parent I would have donated everything to charity and said f**k all y'all ungrateful heathens.  They KNEW this would happen, that is why there is a will.  A LEGAL WILL!  In the end, nothing else matters.  You are family.  You are SIBLINGS.  Materialistic $hit doesn't matter.  You are all over 60 and have no idea how to be a mature adult.  How did this happen?  You say the baby boomers are the *insert amazing feat* generation.  But you aren't.

You know what you are?  You are the reason our world is dying.  You are the reason our economy is failing.  You are the reason we are all drowning in debt.  You are the reason I can barely survive with a f**king Masters Degree.  You created the millennials and now are complaining about us (yea, apparently I am a "millennial").  You are the greediest, most selfish generation I've come across.  You don't see reason, you only see ways to take from everyone else without giving crap.  And I am done.

SIDE NOTE - obviously its not all "baby boomers".   I know many are reasonable.  They tend to be more educated and HUMBLE.  Look, there are bad seeds in every group but the ones I've been "privileged" enough to be around lately are 100% awful. 

Paranoia paranoia everybody's coming to get me.......................

Ahhhhhhahahaaha!  Also, the plush Dalek sold it for me.  Look I get it, the government is watching (talk about fiction becoming reality).  But think about this...they've been doing it for years, we are now only more aware of it because of Wikileaks and Snowden and stuff like that.  Guess the guys with the foil hats had a point...

So while I do not fancy being spied on in my own home how do we prevent it...?  Are you going to get rid of all electronics with mics and webcams?  I mean I kinda can but I won't.  I did unplug Alexa but that is because I have a playful spirit talking to her and freaking me the F**K out.

No really she came on the other day when I was sitting on the couch...alone...with no TV or music on while reading a book.  She said something like, "I remember it like it was yesterday.  There were clouds in the sky and I could hear the surf from the ocean...."  ALEXA STOP!  WTF is happening???  Was she doing an audio book??? So yea she got unplugged...

I don't have any smart TVs, I unplugged Alexa, our cameras are outside, I keep a bandaid over my webcam (not because of the government...because my ex is an IT genius and he all but told me he could watch me through my computer without me knowing - AHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHH!), and our phones are usually in the other room...not because of paranoia but because we are trying to pay attention to each other when we are home.

Now if someone really wants to listen/watch us having wild monkey sex on the couch because we can, more power to you...just be sure to Photoshop my flaws and blur out my face before you show it to anyone else.

K thanks bye

Where we're going, we don't need roads

Saw this:

I laughed so hard I snorted!

Just do it.  I'll post it in the jump but JUST DO IT!

What the actual f**k is happening?!?! Is this crap becoming more common OR are we just more exposed to it because of technology....?

I got a news alert:

Caught on camera: Man pleasuring himself outside Metairie home in front of teenage girl

Me: What the hell?!?!!?!?

Then I read the story because I grew up in and around Metairie.  Also, my family & friends live in the area...yea they have always had some crime but holy $hit this is beyond DISTURBING!!!

The article.

From what I gathered they didn't realize he was there but when they looked at their CAMERAS they saw him right outside their back window IN THEIR BACKYARD jerking off while watching them in the kitchen. 

JFC what a sicko!!!!!!

So he followed them home
Parked across the street
Went into their backyard
Played with himself while observing them

And only ran off because the teen opened the back door to let a pup out...

I'm just glad he didn't do anything worse.  Clearly this young man has issues.  I'm just happy he didn't hurt the daughter or the mom...well anymore than mentally scarring them for life *shudder*. 

Also, I can tell you with 99.9% certainty that if this was at my house and I opened my back door and let my dogs out...that man would no longer have a pee pee to play with. 

And because I need to make myself laugh after this insanity, enjoy this.

I mean it wasn't the third Tuesday of the month or at 3:32A.M. and the sprinklers weren't on but *uncomfortable laughter*

If I don't joke around, I'll cry. 

Please stop talking...pretty please...oh dear this is painful

Right so I am apparently too nice...and too friendly.  Complete strangers tell me the weirdest and sometimes very personal things.  But its not a bad thing and I guess sometimes people just need to get it out.

Right so called someone I am not necessarily close to but have known via business for years.  And the following happened:

Jane: Hello.
Me: Hi Jane! I need your help with _______
Jane: *Silence* Hi...NOLA Gurl
Me: *less joyous* Did you see my email?
Jane: Yes but...but I haven't really been in...I...did I tell you about my relative?
Me: Wha...? No...
Jane: They died...

Me: *danger will Robinson* *abort abort* Oh honey I am so sorry...
*thinking this was the end of it and we'd move to another subject*
Jane: They had (insert AWFUL disease) and...well I am one of many...and...they well they caused it themselves.  They started (insert bad habit) after a bad relationship.  And their kids stopped coming around and we gave up.  And their mom took care of them when they got too sick.  And...well I decided to help to give the mom a break.  But I made sure those kids started mending the relationship because they would regret it. 

So I helped and it was okay.  We talked and bickered and I helped them to bed.  Then things went bad.  They were drooling excessively.  Something just wasn't right.  So we called an ambulance and within 24 hours they died of an internal hemorrhage. 

And the funeral was yesterday....
(short version...there was much more but...)
 Me: Why are you at work?  I mean I know its a distraction but...are you okay...? 
(I know, I know dumb question...obviously NOT okay but I was on the verge of tears.)

Jane:  If I stay home I'll cry all day and night.  It was a big funeral. It was nice but its all a blur.  We are doing something as a family to try to heal.  They weren't that old.  I am just scattered.

Me:  I can't even imagine.  Again I am so incredibly sorry...but at least you got to see them again before they died. 
Jane:  Yes...that helps.  I was....I was the last person they saw.

*suddenly back to business* 
I gave my condolences again and we disconnected. 

I was CRYING at my desk after.  How horrible!  I mean I know they were suffering with this illness but Jiminy Cricket that hurt me and I don't even know them.  Its just so sad.

My take away.  Don't take anyone for granted.  You never know when they may not be there anymore.  Even if you are fighting...even if they are stubborn...try to make amends because you just don't know what is going to happen tomorrow.

Darwinism...maybe

Saw this:

Laughed for like 5 minutes straight...what a sarcastic answer.  But really, if you cut a wire, you break the connection....it will no longer connect to the power source.  Well at least a piece of it wouldn't connect.  Granted you probably wouldn't get much of a shock from the battery operated lights but why chance it.  I just feel like if you cut them, even the piece still attached to the battery pack wouldn't work (or would work but not properly) because of safety or something.  I dunno, I've spliced together wires before so it may still work but this just screams FIRE HAZARD. 

This has to be one of the goofiest questions I've seen on Amazon...buy a shorter strand or figure out a way to hide the excess....

That is f**king Captain Cheesecake!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

Alright, so a while back I said I was reading Book 1 of a new series (see here) and for the entire book I was like "This is Doctor Who Fanfiction!!!" Well I read Book 2 and it still reminded me of 10 and Rose but nothing too different than Book 1.

Now I am reading Book 3 and I literally said out loud "this is basically the plot of the 'Are you my mummy' episodes" (The Empty Child & The Doctor Dances).  Yea yea I know that is 9 but Simon is without a doubt 10.

We are going back in time to London during WWII.  Mind you it is after the London Blitz but whatever.  So I am reading and thinking there is no way it would be that blatant. So they are at the Ritz and Elizabeth is left alone while Simon goes to procure a room.  When low and behold Elizabeth hears someone talking to her...who has an American accent.  Again out loud "if his name is f**king Jack I give up".  Then it says he is in a gray uniform, has black hair, a darker complexion, and like a million dollar smile.  Me again, "are you f**king kidding me?!?!".  Then he says "Name's Jack Wells, Chicago".  I lost my $hit!

This is without a doubt Doctor Who Fanfiction.  I had to stop reading but I can predict what will happen.  Jack will flirt with Elizabeth. 

He'll start calling her a new name like Lizzie *ahem* Rosie *ahem*.  Simon will get jealous...

...but they'll have to work together to save the day.  Simon will stop wasting time and propose to Elizabeth and they all end up BFF's in the end or something like that.