Spider clan, spider clan...does whatever a spider clan does...

...like reproduce...and leave its sack of off spring dangling above my front door *nervous laughter*.

Right so...yea.  Um. Okay.  So the other half is out of town...meaning its just me if you don't count the dogs and cats.  Anyway, I got home from makin groceries when I noticed a white glob above the door.  *hmmmm* "well that's odd".  It was dusk and I really couldn't see well so I thought it was rubbish that got stuck from the wind storm we had.  Oh ho ho no, I couldn't be that lucky.

So after I got all the groceries inside I went to investigate.  It was in the upper corner (well out of my shorty reach) so I had to get kinda close to see it. with my phone light  At this point I realized it looked like...silk.  "Ummmmm, WTF, over".   It also looked to be hidden behind a fine webbing *crap crap crap*. 

Logical Brain: Its a cocoon...you know like a butterfly
Paranoid Brain: Its the f**king egg sack of the mother of all arachnids!  Someone call the Doctor, we have a Racnoss infestation.  
Logical Brain: Quit watching so much Sci-Fi, its just a cocoon. 
Paranoid Brain: Ahhhhhhhhhhhh *whimper, whimper*

So of course I have to get rid of this or fear being the first meal of these lovelies.  What does any logical being do...?

Which is exactly what I did.  I heard a crunch like sound...and then it MOVED.  You know that creepy "Oh my god something is slithering under the surface" move.

I crept back to it and managed to detach it from the door frame with my "trusty" stick...all the while going "OMG omg omg, ewwww, ahhhhh, *sobbing*".  All I could picture was f**king arachnophobia!!!  You know that barn scene *shudder*. 

It detached with a pop and crashed to the ground. It was worming around so I, uh, I...dropped a boot on it.  And it immediately burst open releasing a gazillion tiny spiders onto my car port.

I tapped danced on a few and sprayed RAID on the rest.  I think I need an exterminator...my solutions aren't working...I need an adult...I am clearly adulting wrong....someone help me!

After I finished murdering the babies I heard laughter.  "WTF" *peeks around corner*.  My neighbor was outside BBQ-ing and saw my antics.  God help me if he ever starts recording me...

Spiders are intelligent...they are plotting my demise so they can have my house

Right...so lately I've mentioned my house is the real life set of Arachnophobia.  I really feel like I should start charging rent...or at the very least utilities.  I'll give them a discount if they continue eating critters I don't want around and leave me alone.  But I am getting concerned that we may be past the point of "oh look I have a few spiders" to "you do realize this is their house now?" 

Moving on, I've learned over the years that your vehicle is considered an extension of your property.  Apparently arachnids have learned this as well.  Anyways, I was driving when I turned and was in direct line with the sun.  So I of course pulled down my visor...I squeaked and promptly flipped it right back up.

What had happened was there was a massive brown spider just a chillin on it.  I was going about 75MPH and decided having THAT creature fall on me while driving would probably be bad...mmmkay.  So I "calmly" waited until I got to my 1st destination to investigate further.

To make myself feel better I kept saying "its CLEARLY dead. It has to be dead.  It didn't move when I moved the visor....its DEAD!" Again, I am not scared of spiders but it was HUGE and brown and all I could think of was a brown recluse and I was freaking out a bit because those are no bueno!  So I got to where I was going and "calmly" got out of the car.  I picked up a tissue and moved the visor.  The spider was still in the same spot not moving.

Oh thank god!  He IS dead *whew*.  So I leaned in to pick it up.  This is the point where he decided he was NOT in fact dead and jumped at my face.

I spazzed out so bad.  I mean I REALLY hope that cop behind me did not have his dash cam on because I fear I will be on one of those "hahaha moron" shows.  Here is what happeend.

It jumped
I jumped
I hit my head on the roof of my car
I bent over in pain
I realized that mother f**ker was still on my neck
I re-spazzed

I flung it off of me...back into my car

It landed on the driver's seat
I lunged for it to kill it/get it out of my car
It backed away and REARED up (you know like front legs and FANGS in the air)

I hesitated
It ran into the mechanical hinge of my seat
*blgrablgph ahhhh* I hung my head in defeat

So now what???  I tried finding it with no luck...he is obviously good at hiding.  So I reluctantly got back in my car to drive to my next destination.  What if he surprises me while I am driving again?!?!?!  I am fairly certain it was a Southern House Spider...I think.

No but really what would you do if you saw an extra large one of these right in front of your face???

There ain't nothing petite about dat @$$

So I am small...but I am not...does that make any sense???  I am an XS/S/0/2 in tops and FLOWY dresses...I am a M/L/4/6 in pants, skirts and fitted dresses.  The problem with the fitted dresses is if I get one that fits my top, my @$$ looks like it's trying to orchestrate a prison break...if I get one that fits my bottom, I look like I left my boobs at home. 

And I am not pear shaped...I do not look like Kim K...you would think that is my shape based on what I just said...but I am not.  It is 100% my butt and that is basically IT! My hips/thighs/waist are still fairly small.  I have a super bubble butt.  (*superman theme playing* It flies off at night while I am sleeping to rid the world of mermaid dresses and -4 size pants. *he he he*) I literally have to buy things to fit my bootay which means the waist and thighs are usually baggy.   To say I have a badonkadonk is misleading, I have a "dayum" but only from the side.  From the front I look almost petite, from the back you can see dat @$$ but its camouflaged.  From the side it is *BAM*. 

I went shopping recently and one of my sisters from another mister argued with me about my "size" in clothing.

F: OMG try on this dress!
M: Sweetie that is petite
F: You ARE petite
M: No, I'm really not
F: Try on the f**king dress
M: *sigh* fine

***ten minutes later***

M: Haaaaalp!  Can some one help me out of this, I think I am stuck
F: Oooooh, yea there ain't nothing petite about dat @$$
M: *grumbles* Yes, I know...

But I digress...I really feel like it talks to people.  It's like "Heeey boo, yea you like that *jiggle, jiggle*" and I am oblivious until I hear someone suck their teeth and say "Heeeey gurl, *mmmm*".  WTF?!? Bad butt, stop that!  *turns around in circle fussing* And I am not wearing revealing clothes (not that it would make that kind of response more acceptable)...it's just everything fits my @$$ like a f**king glove.  Jogging pants (you know the tight legging things)...good GOD!  Most of my shirts hang just below the butt BUT when  you are running they ride up a bit giving everyone behind me an unobstructed view of my jiggly bits (on me its the butt...the boobs don't really move much...). 

I'm starting to develop a complex.  Oh well, at least its firm-ish. 

Ever have a song slap you in the face?

Yea, I know I seem to have a strange connection to music at times but some songs just speak to me.  So a while back I somehow got the Katy Perry album Prism for free.  I was happy about it.  I like her sometimes and I knew a few of the songs so "Yay". 

Anyways as I've said recently my little pink iPod nano is on the fritz so I have to keep it on shuffle.  Of course with 2000 songs who knows what you are going to get.  So imagine my surprise when I heard this song and almost cried....almost...not quite.  Moving on, I was driving to podunk Louisiana for an appointment at the butt crack of dawn listening to music.  I wasn't paying close attention but I heard this part "Looked in the mirror and decided to stay.  Wasn't gonna let love take me out. That way".

At this point I woke up enough to realize I needed to restart this song.  I listened to it 3 times.  You don't understand...this song happened to me.  It described MY LIFE, even down to the age.  Not my age now...but my age when my entire world went to $hit.  I was only 27...or already 27 (depending on how you want to look at it). I was engaged and had a house and everything was great until it wasn't.  And the only reason I was able to pick up the pieces of my broken life was because of my friends (they are like my sisters).  Without them, I don't know what would have happened to me.  The song is called "By the Grace of God" and while I have my moments of anti-religion, this song spoke/speaks to me.

Here are the lyrics...if I didn't know any better, I'd swear they were taken from my diary.

Katy Perry - By The Grace of God

Was 27 surviving my return to Saturn
A long vacation didn't sound so bad
Was full of secrets locked up tight like iron melting
Running on empty, so out of gas

Thought I wasn't enough and I wasn't so tough
Laying on the bathroom floor
We were living on a fault line
And I felt the fault was all mine
Couldn't take it any more

By the grace of God (there was no other way)
I picked myself back up (I knew I had to stay)
I put one foot in front of the other and I
Looked in the mirror and decided to stay
Wasn't gonna let love take me out
That way

I thank my sister for keeping my head above the water
When the truth was like swallowing sand
Now every morning
There is no more morning oh I
Can finally see myself again

I know I am enough
Possible to be loved
It was not about me
Now I have to rise above
Let the universe call the bluff
Yeah the truth will set you free

By the grace of God (there was no other way)
I picked myself back up (I knew I had to stay)
I put one foot in front of the other and I
Looked in the mirror and decided to stay
Wasn't gonna let love take me out

That way no
There ain't no
Not in the name of love
In the name of love (in the name of love)
That way
There ain't no
I'm not giving up

By the grace of God
I picked myself back up
I put one foot in front of the other and I
Looked in the mirror (looked in the mirror)
Looked in the mirror (looked in the mirror)

By the grace of God (there was no other way)
I picked myself back up (I knew I had to stay)
I put one foot in front of the other and I
Looked in the mirror and decided to stay
Wasn't gonna let love take me out
That way

Selfish...me? I don't think that word means what you think it means.....

Okay so its a rant (kind of), get ready or don't read further.  I have two short scenarios that made my blood boil.



1.  FAMILY member asking me quietly about babies and whatnot (I am okay with this...this doesn't bother me).  FAMILY member taking my niece from my aunt and putting her in my arms so I could get then envie.  While I adore her...WTH people?!? FAMILY member asking if we were at least trying.  Me saying yes.  Them saying well maybe you need to seek other methods (IVF).  While I wouldn't be opposed to that IF I had more money, I am opposed to it right now, its f**king expensive!  And insurance pays for NONE OF IT here in LA.  Family member calling me SELFISH for not wanting to go further into debt to conceive.  How the f**k is that being selfish!?!?  Reproducing is not required.  I want yes but I don't want enough to have to file for bankruptcy!  If I come into some funds then maybe or maybe I'll use them to pay for adoption fees.  Whatever the case may be opting to not do IVF because of financial stability is not being f**king SELFISH!  What good is getting preggo if I don't have a house or car or money to raise a baby!?!?!




2. Me relaying the above story to an acquaintance.  Not a BFF or family but a friend in some ways (an acquaintance after this ridiculousness).  The response was "well I can't say anything because I CAN  have babies".  Me true but I just...its not something that happens for many without assistance.  The response "I don't know why.  I had babies so easy. All I did was think about a baby and poof I was pregnant".  Right.  This is true I have some family members like this.  I know its easy for many but some of US *emphasis on the US* (hello me, me...you know your "friend" who you KNOW has issues) can't without help so it would be great if insurance would at least pick up some of the tab.  The response "No they shouldn't do that.  Then our premiums would go up just because some chick was defective".  *gob smacked* Riiiight.  *thinking* So by your standards should insurance not pay for people with chronic illness too?!?!?!  *said* Well insurance is still stupid and I hate that ours is now 60/40 instead of 80/20.




I just found BOTH of these scenarios rude and insensitive.  Everyone can have an opinion but if you KNOW someone is having a problem conceiving, both of the above are probably not things you should say TO THEM.  Asking questions is one thing but this was just beyond unkind.

I can't be the only who who dies of the same embarrassing moment over and over again...right?!?!

Look, I embarrass myself regularly. I usually make a funny and its forgotten.  But there are some instances where I relive the moment of stupidity over and over and over again.  And I am not talking about "oh yesterday I did something silly" *shrug*.   I am talking about driving in my car listening to the radio and *BAM* I am back in college saying something absolutely moronic to my then boyfriend.  Or singing in the shower and *ZAP* it's 10 years ago and I am at my friends wedding drunker than Cooter Brown (I didn't do anything that stupid but I hate being not in control).  Maybe the memory flash of that time I drank too much wine and said something horribly insulting a friend couple of mine.  And I didn't mean it like it came out.  I hadn't eaten and my thoughts were scattered so I couldn't brain properly.  Or how about when I randomly remember that I actually wanted to STAY with the dumb@$$ that punched the wall next to my face...what on Earth was I thinking?!?!?! *ugh* I hate remembering that one. 

I just don't get it.  How do people permanently put embarrassing moments behind them???  Or are they like me, they look all whatever on the surface but under the facade they are cringing at the memory of that stupid thing they did/said in High School. How many times will I be overcome with "OMG I can't believe I said that" or moments of "God, I was so stupid!" There are sometimes weeks between my "memories" other times it is hours.  But all of them are 100% unexpected.  Meaning they come completely out of LEFT FIELD. 

Does anyone else want to crawl under a rock when this happens?  Because 90% of the time my memory triggers that gut dropping feeling of utter disappointment in my ability to be semi normal.  What's funny is I am almost certain my stupid moment(s) isn't remembered by anyone other than myself.  Maybe my subconscious just likes to beat me up from time to time.  You know to make sure I don't have too much confidence in myself. 

You made me sound like uncultured swine, not cool man...!

Okay so I get all kinds of calls on my phone...it is the nature of my job.  And as I've stated before because of the weird way our office phones forward to our cell phones it always looks like I am getting calls from across the world.

So my phone rang and it said Warrington, England.  I answered...clearly its one of those weird forward situations.  I said "This is NOLA Gurl" and a ridiculously proper English accent responded.  I almost dropped my phone.  Alright, whose f**king with me today?!?  So I pulled the phone away from my ear and realized it was not a forwarded call.  Then I hear, "hello....hello...Miss???" in a very concerned English accent.  Right...okay brain start working! 

Me: Hi.......
Caller:  Hello Ms NOLA Gurl, it is a pleasure to make your acquaintance.
Me: Hi.....................
Caller: I'm Thomas from *insert company I created an account for yesterday*
Me: Oh, oh *giggle* hello.
Caller:  Yes, well I couldn't help but notice you created two items on our platform but never completed the order.  One appears to be for your American holiday of Thanksgiving and the other a wonderfully creative Christmas item.
Me: Uh huh....
Caller:  Well you see, I would like to inquire if there was an issue with the platform that caused you to not wish to continue.
Me: Oh, no no, it worked great.  I just need approval before I continue.
Caller: Oh, splendid! Well then, would it be beneficial to you if forwarded you additional information related to our products to get to your higher ups?
Me:  Yea, sure that would be wonderful
Caller: *verifying my email* *pronounces my insanely ridiculous French last name perfect on the first try* Is that correct?
Me: *jaw drop*
Caller: Miss?
Me: Yes, yes that.  Um yes, that is correct.
Caller: Splendid, well Ms. *pronounces my last name perfectly again* it has been an immense pleasure speaking with you. Please do not hesitate to contact me should a question arise when placing your order.
Me: Yes, thank....thank you.

*click*

Imagine getting a call from Tom Hiddleston...that's really all I could think after he said his name was Thomas!  Stupid nerd brain being stupid. 

W.T.F. just happened?!?!  How did I end up on the phone sounding like a moron with someone from England?!!?!? And who says splendid?!?!?  So I went check the website I was on and sure enough they are based out of the U.K.  I didn't even realize it!  Not that it matters.  It is a digital product I was looking into, I was just culture shocked I guess. 

Look I work in Louisiana...9 times out of 10 I am on the phone with some Cajun who speaks in Southern/Cajun speak. Ya know bastardized English....so I was caught a bit off guard. And NO ONE, I mean NO ONE who doesn't know me personally has EVER pronounced my last name correctly on the first try...without stuttering...that just shorted out my brain *ugh* I am such a goober!

Side Note - He called me at 3:00PM my time...that's what....9:00PM their time.  He was waaaaaay too chipper to be working at a call center at 9:00PM!!!