Don't tell me how to live my life

So I was told this is fun...google yourself with some key words and enjoy the suggested searches....

Hmmmm what does I need....?

Ewwwww!  Clearly I need help....

Lets add an 'a'....

That's right, I am an independent woman...who needs a stylist...still needs to poop and has a jacked up nose...geesh!

I can has....

Oh why thank you......I think...

Lets add an 'a'

You wish you knew about my "cool tongue" and donk!

What a girl wants.....

OMG that's awful!!!

What if I want 'to'....

YASSSS! I want to play horsey but I don't want to be Beyonce...that's too much responsibility.

Who does she love?

I love you!!!! And Stevie Wonder....


I like to...shake my boom boom now...that is SO not the words....

Oh, oH! I do enjoy swinging on a Tire...WTF is gta4?!?!?


I like it, I love like it....

Who the eff is Frank?!!??! Seriously gta 4?!!?!? 

I only know Sinatra so YES! Ocean...don't know him...Lucas..."Frank Lucas (born September 9, 1930) is an American former heroin dealer, who operated in Harlem during the late 1960s and early 1970s." Ummmmmm NO!

Oh...gta....GRAND THEFT AUTO....yes lets go rape and murder and rob people for fun in a a Video game....whooohooo!

Please stand clear of the doors

"Por favor manténganse alejado de las puertas."

 
This is gonna be a hodge podge of nope, strap in, it may be a wild ride.

1.  We noticed BLACK MOLD growing on our office ceiling in various places.  Yes we had crazy rain and flooding about two weeks ago.  But this is bad bad bad.  Not to mention we've been complaining that our lights don't work right...sometimes they come on, sometimes they don't.  There is a "flooded house" odor.  Our A/C craps out randomly.  My internet connections crap out randomly.  And all of us get headaches, cough, sneeze, etc when here but are fine once we leave.  CLEARLY something is wrong.  So we told the landlord.  HAND TO GOD the jack@$$ that came up here said "well ya see, when we had all that rain the roof leaked." No $hit Sherlock!  Soooooo how ya gonna fix it.  "I'll come up here tomorrow and replace the moldy ceiling tiles".  Ummmm that my stupid friend is a "bandaid".  We've had issues for MONTHS.  Three days later they came and replaced the tiles.  I still believe there is MOLD in the mother f**king ceiling we can't see.  Our lights have MOISTURE in them (cuz that's normal).  And after they pulled down the tiles, they "cleaned up" the counters...with PLEDGE.  Listen here dip$hit...that is NOT a disinfectant.  That will NOT kill mold spores.  Y'all are NOT FIXING ANYTHING!!!

2.  A/C crapped out AGAIN!  Guy comes to fix it and tells us we don't know how to use the Thermostat.  Ummmm we've been here for 6 months, we know how to use a f**king thermostat.  So he "fixes" it and leaves.  The thing reset itself and is blowing HOT AIR. He is now back saying "but I fixed it".  No, no you didn't.  You didn't "fix" it, you bandaided it just like those morons who "fixed" the mold.  Shockingly we need a new thermostat....

3.  This just makes it sound like someone stole his $hit and gave it back to him as a gift....

4.  Excuse me?!?!?!

Oh...oh! It's a Dog Grooming joke....my mind went in another direction....

5.  Is this for real?!!?!?!

No...NO!  Just no no no no no...not gonna read it because...

I'm out...

Alcohol is bad, mmmkay

Okay not bad.  I am partaking in wine as I type this.  Over indulging in alcohol is bad...weeeeeeeeell, I say bad.  Its more annoying to those who are not as inebriated.  Look most of us have had that drunken moment(s) where we annoyed others.  So I get it.  I am very tolerant, especially if it is someone I care about. 

Fooosball is about to start, so we have this preseason stuff gong on, right?  Right.  It is very normal to partake in beer consumption before, during, and after games.  I had one BEFORE the game.  Hubs had...more.  Chaos (hilarity) ensued.  First, I didn't realize  how bad off he was till we went to leave and he forgot to put his headlights on...and then giggled.  OUT!  Now!  Put car back in park and exit. 

I'll just list the rest below (my side of the conversation bc its funnier that way):

- Stop touching me.  OMG, leave my zipper alone!  I STG boy I will pull this vehicle over.  NO, not to hump like bunnies in the back! 
- Pick a f**king station.  No...no...I did not mean find Barry White on my phone...*sigh* turn off "lets get it on"!
-  You want taco hell?  You?!?!  Mr. "I hate fast food" wants a Mexican Pizza...?  Okay.....
- Seriously, there are 15 cars in line at Taco Hell at 11PM?!?!  Stay here.  No STAY!  Did you just bark at me?!?!  Ewwwww you licked me!  Just stay, I'm going inside to get food. 
- *5 min later* he's doing the pee pee dance in the car.  OMG, just go...go pee...QUICKLY!
- Help me feed the pups...what are you doing?  Where are your pants????  Ya know what sit here...eat food...I'll do everything else.
- Where is my other taco? You ate it?!?  I hate you right now....
- *he passed out on the couch* Hey, hey!  I'm going shower.  Hey!!!! *shake shake shake* fine...Pups, behave!
- Sweetie, I'm going to bed.  *GRUNT* Okaaaaay...do you want me to take the pups out? *grunt*  right....  I took the dogs out just to be safe
- *20 min later* WTF was that crash?!?!? *runs out of bedroom*.  How...how are you still asleep?!?!!?  Why are all y'all hiding?!?!  WTF did you find?!?!  Hey...come to bed!  Don't yell at me.  FINE! 
- *15 min later* OMG they broke the TV!!!  What are you chasin?!?!!  How did a f**king dragonfly get in?!?!  How are you sleeping through this!?!?  WAKE UP, I need help!!!  You should come to bed so the animals stop freaking out.  Hey....sweetie come to bed.  Holy $hit you almost punched me.  *shaking him roughly* Do you just tell me to f**k off?!?!  FINE, I'm out.

I made the SADDEST attempt to catch the dragonfly and lost it....whatever I went back to bed.

- *some time later* why are they barking?!?!  What was that noise??!  Where did you get a shoe?!?  Give me that!  No no no, don't pee inside...dammit!  For f**ks sake WAKE UP!  Y'all stop playing!!!! Are you even alive?!  ARGH!!!!!

- *20 min later* OMG why are they screaming now!?!?!  Dogs shoooooosh! *walks into living room* Come here baby (our puppy is only 8 weeks old) That's it get up!  *slapped his butt* Are you shaking your @$$ at me?!?!?!  OMG...OMG that is rancid *gag* Jesus Christ now I know why its called Taco Hell!  You can stay, we are going to bed.

I finally went to sleep around 1:15AM, he woke me up at 3:30AM coming to bed, bad weather woke me up at 4:15AM, and I had to get up at 5AM.  Needless to say I was dragging @$$. 

SIDE NOTE - I sent passive aggressive texts to my love to document my adventures.  They were actually quite funny...see below.  Also I should note, I couldn't just put the puppy away in her kennel bc she knew he was on the couch and would scream and if she screamed speedy howled...and I was flipping tired.

TEXT 1:
There's a dragon fly in the living room.  I only know this because I heard a loud crash after I went to bed.  (This apparently had no affect on your dream state).  All 4 animals were making an attempt to kill it.  I tried to wake you for assistance, not once, not twice, not even three times....we'll go with four.  I lost the stupid thing while trying to catch it.  It's been more than 15 min and I can't find it.  I tried again to wake you and got nothing.  I'm tired too so again I will tell you im going to bed.  So if they break the tv or anything else trying to get that thing don't blame me. 



TEXT 2:
So I just got back from another awakening.  Im not sure how I hear it from the bedroom with the door closed and ear plugs in and you haven't moved.  I can only assume they caught or tried to catch the dragon fly again.  I also attempts to get you to come to bed.  I was rewarded with some unkind words and a grunt.  Am I angry? Yes but only because I'm exhausted and trying to sleep and keep getting awakened by insanity in the living room with zero assistance.  Good Night...or morning...or whatever time it is when you  wake up and see this.




TEXT 3: 
Captains log:  The pups were crying at the gate.  I took Speedy, put her to bed, and left you in the living room to sleep it off.   I've made my final attempt to move you with no luck.  You shook your butt at me and then farted.  Either you are beyond exhausted or had more beer than I realized.  Either way, I'm going to try and get 4 hours of sleep.

SIDE SIDE NOTE - We found the Dragonfly's remains the next morning...guess a cat caught it. 

You sit on a throne of lies!

So this amazing thing...technology.  You can go online, see whats in stock at your local store, order it, and it should be ready in a timely manner.  OMG so cool...I hate shopping. 

So I did this.  I went online found things in stock and paid for them.  3.25 hours later I still don't have a "hey your order is ready text/email".  Hmmmmm.  So I called.  Most places that offer this service do it within an hour. 

The Customer Service lady says "Hmmm, they usually do it within an hour.  We don't get that many yet, its a newer service and I am pretty sure you are the only one.  Yea, Ima be honest with you, they probably forgot to check the cue.  I'll get them on the phone." Kk.

Other lady:  Mmmmm hmmmm did you get an email saying it was ready?
Me: No.... (whats with the attitude???)
Other lady: Well then it isn't ready.
Me: Okaaaaay...I got that.  I was wondering how long it normally takes.
Other lady: You see once we get it we have to put it in to process it, then we have to go on the floor and find it.  Then we tell you its ready.
Me: Right, I understand the process but how long does that take?
Other lady: Once we get it we have to put it in to process it, then we have to go on the floor and find it.  Then we tell you its ready.
Me: *getting irritated* Yes, yes but I ordered it 3.5 hours ago now and....
Other lady: *hand to God she said*  Once we get it we have to put it in to process it, then we have to go on the floor and find it.  Did you get an email? No. So it isn't ready.
Me: But the first lady said I am the only online order and it usually only takes an hour to....
Other lady: You will get an email *click*

WHAT THE ACTUAL F**K?!?!?  Clearly someone didn't do their job...or didn't want to do their job.  So yea I don't like being a B**ch BUT $hitty customer service is my PET PEEVE.  Therefore I am filing a complaint with corporate.  I shop at this store all the time...makes me want to reconsider.

This is why I am reluctant to help people

I waited over a week to post this and still feel the same........

I've lived through 4 major floods, I can say this fully knowing what is happening in your head.  Don't be an @$$hole to people trying to help you!  I know tensions are high.  I know emotions are raw.  I know what it feels like to be homeless, even if temporary.  I know what it feels like to lose almost everything you possess.  And I know hearing things like "well at least you are alive" is not what you want to hear.  I know ALL OF THESE THINGS, which is why against my better judgement I agreed to help.

I am not talking about gutting houses or donating items.  I did and will do that too.  I am talking about being guilted into calling in a favor.  I don't call in favors for others.  I'll call in favors for myself (RARELY) but I am hesitant to do it for others because I have been burned in the past. 

I knew this would backfire.  I f**king knew it!  But I did it anyway because I am way to flipping nice.  I called in a favor.  I BYPASSED a waiting list.  I rushed things that are not normally rushed.  But no, that wasn't good enough.  "What do you mean 5 days?  I need it now."  Yea well so does the 100,000+ other people that flooded.  So I pushed more than I wanted to and somehow got it taken care of in 2.5 days.  When I shared this WONDERFUL news I heard crickets.  8 hours later I received a text....not a call...a text..."Oh we don't need it anymore".  What?!?!?! You couldn't have told me that sooner?!?!?!  Like before normal business hours end....

So now I have to call my people that made miracles happen and tell them "oh yea you know all that work you did for me...never mind".  This is why I don't f**king help people!  I've been in that situation.  I've been homeless and in need and I NEVER...NEVER...NEVER pulled some bull$hit like this.  Clearly you have no respect for me.  Clearly you do not value me.  Clearly you think you can $hit on me and its no big deal.  F**k off.  I'm still going to help rebuild because again I am a nice f**king human being but I will NEVER call in a favor again.  I don't care who you are, not.gonna.happen.

Look I was 100% scatterbrained for 3 months after Katrina and 6 months after Isaac.  I get it but I always made sure to be appreciative of those that were going above and beyond to help me.  I must be a different breed because even with being completely overwhelmed I made sure everyone knew how much I valued their assistance. 

Be considerate to others for f**ks sake!

Rant over. 

P.S. I was told..."oh they didn't mean anything they are just forgetful".  BULL$HIT!  We texted and called repeatedly and no longer needing this was NOT mentioned.  

I didn't know hair grew under your eyes....

So I saw this:

Sweet!  I need help with that...mine get puffy and dark.  Its hereditary so I need all the help I can get.
Then I got to number six...Rosemary:

Wait, stimulates hair growth...? And my imagination went wild.

Le me with dark puffy undereyes...I need essential oil!

I should make - Rosemary Green Tea Under Eye Toner

What probably happens...Le me with no more baggy under eyes

 Where my imagination went....

The f**k kinda bull$hit is this?!?!  Has anyone in history had to shave their under eyes?  Well growing hair there would reduce the appearance of under eye bags....

Why does my brain work like this?!?!?!?!?!

In reality "Rosemary essential oil contains ceffeic and rosemarinic acid, both being strong anti-inflammatory agents that help reduce inflammation. It also acts as a mild diuretic that reduces swelling."  Which would help with puffy dark circles.  Ahhhh I see.  So no hairy under eyes.  Got it.

I am so weird.....

Why do I need to know who died in North Carolina...EVERYDAY?!?!

Soooooooooooooooooooo I started getting Obituary Notices for parts of North Carolina.  I guess this is another one of my lovely "subscriptions".  I was very shocked to find out C. Edwin Berry passed away.  I don't know who that is but I am sure he will be missed. 

I Unsubscribed but I already had like 15 so this should be fun...

Cause I'm Freeeeeeeeeeeeeeee....free ballin'.... wait...

So one of my lovely new subscriptions came through today....WTF?!!?!?

Subject: Shorts worthy of Juan Valdéz's beans

Innocent me thinks "Coffee Beans".  I scroll down to get to the "Unsubscribe Button"...

"Gym shorts for the free balling crotch crusaders"

Wait...what?!?!?!

We made gym shorts worthy of Juan Valdéz.
The world's favorite bean picker. This is his story.

WHAT THE ACTUAL F**K?!?!  Nice legs Juan

#1: Juan got his start collecting Mexican Wrestling cards. He had the only complete set of La Chupacabra - or the Mexican Strangler.

He sold his collection in '71 for $635 - but that's like 2.7 billion pesos.

I MEAN THIS IS A JOKE....RIGHT?!?!

#2: Juan started his import operation on a small scale. He made a drug mule out of a box turtle and a turkey sandwich on rye.

The sandwich was for the turtle.

WHAT IS THIS?!!?

#4: Juan was such a cocksure teen, he entered his own dongle into a cockfight and lost terribly.

All was not lost, turns out old Juan had bet against himself and made a killing. OH...OH...OW!!!!!!!!!!

#5: Juan appeared on The Price is Right and won the Showcase Showdown.

But he never saw a dime of his winnings due to a legal dispute over taxes owed on a brand new Chevy Cavalier and a collection of women's shoes.

#6: To celebrate his boy's Quinceañera, Juan had his son blow up a cow with a bazooka.

But out of respect for the cow, he used all of the meat in a guyo-pinto styled dish that was the talk of the town for days.  CLEARLY THIS IS SOME SATIRICAL SOMETHING...RIGHT?!?!

#7: Juan has a lifetime ban from Dave and Busters for cashing in counterfeit tickets.

He made off with a giant panda and a dozen Twizzlers.

*SNORT*

#8: To commemorate his 50th birthday, Juan's hometown of Tunja gave him a key to the city.

In return, Juan gave all the town's women pretty severe UTIs.

OMG....EWWWWWW! *pahahaha* You received this email because you're constantly getting high fives when wearing a pair of slim cut mesh shorts.    Birddogs...okaaaaaaay.  Its a "legit"  site. This is BY FAR the most interesting subscription f**kwit signed me up for.

And suddenly I am an emotionally compromised teenage girl

Just call me Mayhem!

No but really.  So I was minding my own business...browsing Social Media and I saw this...

While yes that is so cute and sweet.  And yes my husband does give me little forehead kisses on occasion...especially when I am sad or distraught (like when our older dog died in his sleep...*still not over that one*).  Anyways, all I could f**king think about was stupid fictional characters and now I want to scream.  Because.....

Ahhhhhhhhhhhhh.  Now I want to lock myself in a room listening angst-y teenage music while I sit in a corner and cry about OTPs...or OTFs...OT(insert word of choice) or whatever.  Not all are romantic...just affectionate and *gah* I need a drink. 

Peace, I am going get more coffee (no alcohol...YET!). 

P.S.  Mulder and Scully were my original "OTP".  I was like nine and going "OMG y'all love each other stop being in denial!!!!!"

P.P.S. There are sooooo many more I could add but I had to stop myself!