Cause I'm Freeeeeeeeeeeeeeee....free ballin'.... wait...

So one of my lovely new subscriptions came through today....WTF?!!?!?

Subject: Shorts worthy of Juan Valdéz's beans

Innocent me thinks "Coffee Beans".  I scroll down to get to the "Unsubscribe Button"...

"Gym shorts for the free balling crotch crusaders"

Wait...what?!?!?!

We made gym shorts worthy of Juan Valdéz.
The world's favorite bean picker. This is his story.

WHAT THE ACTUAL F**K?!?!  Nice legs Juan

#1: Juan got his start collecting Mexican Wrestling cards. He had the only complete set of La Chupacabra - or the Mexican Strangler.

He sold his collection in '71 for $635 - but that's like 2.7 billion pesos.

I MEAN THIS IS A JOKE....RIGHT?!?!

#2: Juan started his import operation on a small scale. He made a drug mule out of a box turtle and a turkey sandwich on rye.

The sandwich was for the turtle.

WHAT IS THIS?!!?

#4: Juan was such a cocksure teen, he entered his own dongle into a cockfight and lost terribly.

All was not lost, turns out old Juan had bet against himself and made a killing. OH...OH...OW!!!!!!!!!!

#5: Juan appeared on The Price is Right and won the Showcase Showdown.

But he never saw a dime of his winnings due to a legal dispute over taxes owed on a brand new Chevy Cavalier and a collection of women's shoes.

#6: To celebrate his boy's Quinceañera, Juan had his son blow up a cow with a bazooka.

But out of respect for the cow, he used all of the meat in a guyo-pinto styled dish that was the talk of the town for days.  CLEARLY THIS IS SOME SATIRICAL SOMETHING...RIGHT?!?!

#7: Juan has a lifetime ban from Dave and Busters for cashing in counterfeit tickets.

He made off with a giant panda and a dozen Twizzlers.

*SNORT*

#8: To commemorate his 50th birthday, Juan's hometown of Tunja gave him a key to the city.

In return, Juan gave all the town's women pretty severe UTIs.

OMG....EWWWWWW! *pahahaha* You received this email because you're constantly getting high fives when wearing a pair of slim cut mesh shorts.    Birddogs...okaaaaaaay.  Its a "legit"  site. This is BY FAR the most interesting subscription f**kwit signed me up for.