I shouldn't be allowed in public...

...especially during times of year when it is more acceptable to act..."strange".

As I stated in a previous post SOME persons don't appreciate my appreciation for Halloween.  Well all this week I have been going a bit overboard with my antics...possibly because of the comments...or possibly because its Halloween biotches.

Person: *looking disapprovingly at my mini witch hat* Has any one ever told you, you are a bit, oh I dunno, weird?
Me: *OMG how often will I get this opportunity*  They never really stop (yea I kinda quoted him, say something! hahaha)

Person: Were you just blaring "The Monster Mash" from your car???
Me: *getting out of car* *dancing around in a circle* It was a graveyard smash!
Person: *shakes head* yea, okay whatever
Me:  No...? How about the Transylvania Twist?!!?! *biggest smile EVER*
Person: *rolls eyes*

Person: *almost skipping down the hall* I had to come see what you had on!  I just knew you'd be decorated :)
Me: Did I disappoint?? *hamming it up with my giant witch hat*
Person: Nope!  Happy Halloween!!! (this person clearly GETS me!)

(Another) Person: *pops head in doorway* Yes! I win!  I knew you'd have something Halloween on!!!
Me: But of course!
Person: How come no one else gets in the spirit?!?!
Me: No idea
Person:  Their loss!  Never change, have fun today :)
He almost made me cry, that was very sweet!

Stranger:  *looking at all the SCARY Halloween stuff on the conveyor belt* Do you amuse yourself with the strange and unusual?
Me: *wistfully* I myself am strange and unusual
Stranger: *high five* Beetlejuice is one of my favorites
Me: OMG me too! *I made a friend, ha!*
I feel like this person tried this many times and no one else stepped up to the challenge of semi-quoting Lydia Deetz. 

Person: Your shirt is adorable!
Me: *looks down at shirt* Ah, yes :)  Thanks!
Person:  It's so Halloween-y
Me:  *super nerdy excited* It's all the words to the witches spell in the shape of a cauldron! *looks expectantly at person*
Person: Oh, right, ok.  I get it witches...its shaped like a pot.
Me:......
Peron:.... *smiles uncomfortably*
Me:.... like....like from Shakespeare...you know, "double double toil and trouble..."
Person:  That's from Shakespeare...???
Me: *gobsmacked* *clears throat* yes....Macbeth
Another Person: *laughing manically* OMG, how do you not know that?!?!
Me: *sighs* *smiles* Y'all have a nice day.


Me: *Listening to "Animals" when the howling part comes on* "Oooooooooooooouuuuuuuwwww"
Person: Are you kidding me?
Me:  What?!!?  It IS part of the song.
Person:  I think you are doing this for attention.
Me: Maybe...maybe not but at least I'm having fun *manic grin*
Person: *laughing* Ya, I guess you are.

I can't help it!  I love love love love Halloween!  It makes me hyper!  Well that and the 4 cups of coffee this morning.  Of course not all of these happened today...maybe I am hyper all the time *hmmmmm*

UPDATE:  Someone just walked past my door.  Stopped.  Walked back.  Smiled and said "so is it the witching hour?" Yay, I'm so glad some people appreciate and EXPECT my Halloween antics. 

Why can't adults WITHOUT kids appreciate Halloween???

Halloween is by far my favorite holiday.  It always has been, since I was a wee little one.  I've never really paid much attention to those who always say "grow up" but lately they've been irritating me more and more.  Not because I need to "grow up" but more so because they need to "lighten up"!  Growing up does not mean having to stop enjoying life, geesh.

I consider myself a fairly mature person...well depending on the company I keep...add a couple of my friends and all bets are off.  Anyway, I find it hilarious that some feel that my need to decorate and dress up for Halloween insinuates I am immature but only because I do not have children.  Once I have kids I am free to have fun again BUT only for the children...not for me. 

Does this make any sense?  So are you telling me that those who decorate and celebrate Christmas need to grow up also...I mean if they don't have kids why put up a tree and exchange presents???  No this doesn't make any sense.  Yes, of course, it is magical for children (holidays in general) but just because you are an adult doesn't mean you have to stop appreciating the magic.  I am not going trick or treating...well I am but its with kids...I'm not trick or treating alone, I am not that crazy.  I decorate my house to look "spooky".  I dress up in costume to hand out candy.  The parents seem to love it so why all the hate??? Also, in case you haven't caught on, I do it because I enjoy it!  I like walking into my house all during October and seeing pumpkins and skeletons and spiders..."Oh my!"  I also find it hilarious that a black cat is terrified of the decor but the other animals are all "meh". 

So screw off all you haters.  I love Halloween and if I want to decorate and dress up and carve pumpkins, I will!  Not because I am immature but because it is something I enjoy.  If you don't like it blow me :P  I will continue having my fun and you can continue being boring.  I personally think on some level you are jealous because I still know how to have fun and you have succumbed to the pressures of society to be like everyone else.  Have "fun" with that, NOLAGurl out.

I've been laughing for ten minutes

Can you imagine if you were being all hot and heavy with your man/woman and suddenly there was a marching band in your bedroom?!?  Seriously, he says "Is it weird that I hear Trumpets when you’re turning me on?" and I'm like well no, that's kind of romantic and then BAM trumpeters jump out of the shadows and are all up in your business.

I'm in a weird moooooooooooood.  But this has me smiling like a loon because I find it hilarious. What if it wasn't just when he got turned on by his girl???  "Oh no Jason is getting turned on, NOT THE TRUMPETS AGAIN!". I mean his trips to the strip club must be epic.  Or trying to hide the fact that he's watching porn.  Like being all secretive and suddenly trumpets.  "Honey, what are you doing?", "Nothing dear", *Da da, da ra ra da, da, da
Da, ra, ra, ra, da, da*, "That doesn't sound like nothing!!!"

Hey, I really like that song.......

....OMG WHY DID I WATCH THE VIDEO!?!?!?!?!


If you haven't seen the video...it is, um, disturbing, to say the least.  I like the song, I downloaded the song, I listen to the song and just love it (plus I like Maroon 5).  When I first heard it, I thought it was about undeniable attraction which is a tad bit hot...then I watched the video (and read the lyrics) and feel like I need to add more locks to all doors and windows and carry an extra can of mace.  WTF MAN?!?  The vid is below:

I know the vid came out a few months ago but here are my thoughts...JFC can he be any freaking sexier.  Its ridiculous.  Seriously, do you ever see a celebrity and think "his/her level of attractiveness should be banned!".  Especially when they try to make them look "bad" but they just can't look bad...its nauseating really. 

In all honesty, the idea behind this video should be terrifying but I kept coming back to the thought of Adam Levine in glasses with his shirt off.  Then the proper side of my brain kicks in and is like HE IS STALKING HER!  Moving back to the holy shit that's hot, like really hot.  The proper brain says "That's...what is wrong with you?!?! He is rubbing himself down with animal blood and swinging on a carcass!!!  That is not hot!".  But, but...he's scruffy with glasses and...oh my God, is he writhing in bed with her without her knowledge?!?! It should be illegal to make stalking look THAT attractive!  Its to the point where you are almost like, hey if HE wants to stalk me it couldn't be THAT bad. 

No...no....no.  It is THAT bad because think about it.  Some of the most notorious psycho paths were super attractive.  So here you have the creeptastic "um, he is in her room talking pictures and snuggling in her bed while she sleeps" which leads into a very intense "love" dream thing...then there are buckets of blood dumped on them.  I should totally be grossed out but I think True Blood desensitized me because I was not in the least grossed out.  Instead, I was like "hmmmmm this is borderline porn" and kept watching.   

So my thoughts...I will probably watch it again (and again and again)...even though the stalking really freaks me out...I've had "stalkers"...thankfully not to that extreme but how can you not want to watch it again (and again and again)!?!? *Argh* I think I need a cold shower.

It's Halloween Time!!!

And apparently my subconscious is trying to scare the f**k out of me.  I had a dream last night to rival any horror flick out there.  And I haven't been binge watching horror movies this month (shocking, I know).

Okay so my dream.  We were staying in a supposed haunted house.  It reminded me of the Myrtles but I don't think that is where we were.   Anyway, we saw nothing.  Like I vaguely remember walking around an old plantation like home and eating maybe in a kitchen area but nothing unusual happened.  My husband and I had a room and my friends had their own rooms with their respective spouses.  We were just starting to fall asleep when the door to the room flew open (which I was facing) and two of my friends came running in.  I can't tell you which two because I don't know but I know it was two of my besties.  They climbed up on the foot of this massive bed we were sleeping in and were yabbering about how freaked out they were in their room.  At some point we all started to doze off and I remember bright flashing behind my eye lids.  There was an image, like an x-ray of a person in these flashes.  I opened my eyes and this apparition was attacking me but not actually hurting me.  I was thrashing around but no one else could see it.  So I calmed down and explained what I saw.  A woman, darker skin, with a leather collar around her neck.  She looked rabid.  She  eventually fell to the floor and disappeared. 

Apparently we were there for a few days because there was another "scene" where I was in an old beatup pickup with a strange guy...like I could feel he was a friend but I have no idea who he was.  We were driving around a park (looked like City Park) looking for another friend who ran off because of all the weirdness in the house.  When all of a sudden, mid-sentence, something pulled me out of the moving truck threw me up against a giant oak tree.  I was being tossed around like a rag doll.  It hurt.  I was terrified because I had no control.  I couldn't escape. Then my "friend" suddenly looked like this famous-ish actor guy who has a "northern accent" but he was dressed like a priest.  He freed me somehow and said "run".  Stop laughing, my subconscious is clearly on crack and is also combining his shows. 

At some point we ended up back at the plantation.  It jumps around quite a bit.  Then we were back in our room.  My two friends slept in the room with us because they were scared.  I was attacked again, except this time it looked like effing Twisty from AHS and I was losing my gd mind.  Thankfully they could see him this time and were also losing their minds.  We could hear this one. Like the grunting, growling and laughing muffled by a mask as he attacked (creeptastic!).  Eventually he got frustrated because his stabbing wasn't actually hurting me and flashed out of existence.  We didn't sleep much and then it was morning.  I was in the bathroom brushing my teeth...with my grandfather.  It was weird because he was standing next to me like he used to when I was younger and well he could actually stand....it was also weird because why were we in the bathroom together (do not Freud me). Anyway, I eventually climbed back in bed with my husband and we were alone (Thank God).  Apparently it was time for fun time.  Don't judge, it has been like a week and my brain is trying to compensate :P  While we were getting started I felt something on the bed behind me.  Then I felt a finger touch my cheek push in slightly and drag down my face.  Not aggressively, actually a bit kind and familiar. 

I jerked out of the dream (which hurt like a mo-fo by the way).  I was breathing heavy, I was shaking, I was terrified, and I could still feel the finger on my face, WTF.  I forced myself to roll over thinking it had to have been my husband.  He was facing the other way and was out cold.  I was absolutely scared out of my mind.  I just knew something touched me.  So I snuggled up to him and he thankfully put his arm around me...I eventually fell back asleep.

This morning he said it was probably a cat touching my face....but a cat paw does not feel like a flipping finger.  Sorry but whatever happened last night freaked me the eff out!  I am going to have nightmares about my nightmare...

Hey Doc, it hurts when I move...

...well dear, don't move. *face palm*

Easier said than done.  In case you were wondering it is nearly impossible to NOT use your abdominal muscles.  I mean you can try to be a human blob but EVERYTHING requires your core...including breathing (and peeing)!

So I had this thing done to help with other things...and now I am wondering what the F**K I was thinking because now I am in a constant state of OOOOWWWWW.   

It's been almost a week.  I was told to "take it easy" for a few days, don't use the abs but then I could go back to most of my routine just no heavy lifting or sexy time.  Ooooookkkkkaaaaayyyyy, easy peasy right...WRONG! So, so wrong and people just don't seem to understand my issues.

1.  I look like death.  I am pale and bruised.  Pale because God only knows.  Bruised from all the flipping needles.  Shots, IVs, taking blood (TWICE)...take your pick. 

2.  Every movement requires conscious thought.  I rolled on my side in my sleep the other night and woke myself up moaning in pain.  

3.  The doc only said a few days with limited activity so no one seems sympathetic to my whole moving hurts mantra...or the if you touch me I will punch you then writhe in pain because punching requires ab use.  Yes a few days to be a blob but the recovery is 4-6 weeks!!!  So get that through your head people, I may be moving but I am not okay.  I am very, very far from okay. 

4.  My insides feel like they were scrapped with a dull blade.  Because they WERE!  Okay maybe not a dull blade...maybe a laser BUT it still effing hurts, okay?!?!

5.  I coughed yesterday and thought I was going to die.  I was like this is it, I am going to rupture something because I have a tickle in my throat.  Goodbye cruel world. 

6.  Today I sneezed and I thought my uterus came out of my belly button.  Hmmm that can't be normal. Oh well, lets take another pain pill *manic laughter*.

7.  3 days after it I needed a shower (and was allowed to take one), "cat baths" weren't working.   I had no help.  I got the "well what do you want me to do bathe you?" Um actually yes that would be great seeing as MOVING effing hurts!  Whatever, what doesn't kill me makes me stronger and also makes me want to nut punch you so you are in an equal amount of pain.

8.  5 days after the thing I had a sharp pain.  Like I was stabbed, repeatedly in the same spot.  Sitting, I was good.  Standing, laying flat and breathing, FML.  I burst into tears because I just didn't want to hurt anymore.  Do you know what I got...ZERO sympathy.  I mean absolutely none.  I got a "you should be extra careful driving to work".  Um what?  "If it gets worse call the doctor".  Well DUH!  Can't I get a little sympathy?!?!  I am not a needy person but a "there, there" would have been AMAZING!  By the way, it is trapped air.  Not gas...air trapped in my abdomen that has no where to go.  I have to wait for my body to "re-absorb" it...YAY :P

9.  Ya know what, F**k all you people.  God help me if I need a c-section for any future kids...I may have to ask my mom to move in until I am recovered.  She seems to be the only one that "gets it".
      a. If I hear one more, "what do you mean walking is uncomfortable" or "its just walking, how 
         bad can it be?" I may go postal.  This is not my hubs by the way.

10.  My poor animals are so confused.  They don't understand why mommy wont let them near her.  I mean, I go all ninja on them if one even looks like they may want to touch me, which by the way requires a quick motion and usually ends with my writhing in pain. The little cat wanted to play the night of the thing and decided the best way to get my attention was to bonsai off the back of the couch onto my stomach.  To say I screamed is an understatement.  She ran and I didn't see her again for almost two days.  Now they both carefully touch me to let me know they want to cuddle.  Smart little boogers. 

Anyway, the thing is I blame the peeps that spoke to my "caregiver" after the thing.  I was out of it...I remember very little.  They were great, don't get me wrong, I just don't think they quite explained what was going to happen very well.  Yes, I needed to lay low for a few days and he got that but for weeks after I was going to be recovering.  Meaning I can't do what I normally do.  Not just "heavy lifting" and no "sexy time".  It should have been more, "trust your body.  If it feels wrong, don't do it."  Which I swear I heard someone say but I can't recall.  I really can't be active...my insides are still healing and I am constantly exhausted.   If I do too much too fast, I'll be worse for wear.  So yes, that includes cutting up a veggie and putting it in the microwave.  It hurt a$$hole.  I am not being whiny!  Using my abs hurts and unfortunately that includes almost everything at the moment, including BREATHING. 

P.S. Thank God I have a semi high tolerance for pain.  I'd be drugged 24/7 otherwise. 

What is wrong with people?!?!

Isn't it illegal to mess with someones mail?!?!  Regardless if it is a piece of junk, if it isn't addressed to you, you probably shouldn't touch it.  I know we all get junk mail for people that previously lived in our homes and we toss it, whatever.  But if it looks important I ALWAYS write "Return to Sender" with an arrow to the person's name saying "no longer lives here" or "wrong address".

Ok that is my remedy for misplaced mail.  My real rant is about messing with someone else's mail...like from their mailbox!  I am so over people thinking its okay to "check out" what other people have in their mailbox.  I've caught teens looking in my neighbors mail boxes, stopping when they saw me out front.  I called the police and let them know what I saw and they sent out extra patrols to the area.  Not long after that I had someone take a UPS delivery from under my carport.  Like signed for it and everything! So I started having all shipped packages sent to my office.

Well now what do I do with mailed items???  Do I pay for a PO Box???  That's bullshit!  Why do I have to do that?!?!  Why can't people keep their grubby fingers off my mail?!?!!?  It's amazing!  I get everything at my address.  I've NEVER had "undeliverable" issues but lately, lately certain things keep coming up as "undeliverable as addressed".  Not everything...that's the key!  Its the same sender, some things get to me and some don't.  Things sent in unmarked boxes make it to me just fine.  You know a plain brown box or envelope.  But other things have the product inside marked on the box.  So they say what type of product is inside.  These NEVER MAKE IT TO ME.  All of them say "undeliverable as addressed" when I look up the tracking number.  I only know what the box looks like because I can go to the website and see other users pics of their deliveries.

So you tell me who is taking my stuff???  How can the same company address somethings correctly and others incorrectly???  It makes no sense.  There is no full "return" address, its a shipping warehouse, so it's not going back to the sender...how convenient :P.

So not to sound paranoid but is my mail person stealing my stuff???  I know that's a harsh accusation but I can't figure out any other reason.  If it was delivered and I just never got it, then clearly someone else took it but these always say "undeliverable as addressed".  Its suspect, that's all I am saying.

So heres my thought...STOP STEALING OTHER PEOPLE'S STUFF!!!  I work my ass off to have what I have, I am part of programs and get things for free because I give my honest opinion of said products, you can easily do the same.  Stop taking my things, you are a jerk! I was home the day the thing said "undeliverable".  I got mail that day!!! So why in the world would that one thing not be delivered?!!?!?!?!?

Now I want to become a hermit, dig a moat, electrify said moat and get a pet tiger

I just read an article "Things a burglar wont tell you".  I was thinking "yay tips on how to better safeguard my house" but...now...I am...seriously do people really do some of these?!!?!?!?  I think it should be more aptly titled "quit making yourself a target" or "how to scare people into being responsible homeowners" or "live in fear of those who shall rob you".  I did not come up with this list.  It is at the link listed above but I feel like I should comment on some things.  Also, it lists all this stuff you shouldn't do but doesn't really give you solutions.  Its like don't put your shit in one place...ok so where is the best place.  But I guess if they put that there, then the would be thieves would know and then it wouldn't work.

1.) "Even if you are home, I'll still try to break in" - great...I mean I knew this.  Someone did try to kick my door in while I was watching TV in my living room.  But reading it just makes me paranoid.

2.) "You might have noticed a strange vehicle driving around your neighborhood lately."- Um you see this you CALL THE COPS!  You don't say "oh maybe they are lost".  If you have a gut feeling they are up to no good, you be a good citizen and REPORT IT!  Don't go willy nilly, the cops do need to be crime fighting or whatever BUT at the very least they may send extra patrols to your 'hood. 

3.) "You might recognize me. I was at your house before, making a delivery or asking for directions." - Sooooooo, what should I never order takeout again for fear that the cute young man who showed up at my door may try to rob me blind?!?!  Seriously the only point to this point is to elicit fear.  You cannot control who comes to your door...well in the case of takeout you can but aside from that.

4.) "Thanks for letting me into your home to use your telephone or bathroom. I got a good view of the place, and I unlocked a window while I was in there." - Do people still do this?!?  I let no one into my home.  If they ask to use the phone I bring it outside to them.  If they ask to use the bathroom I apologize and say no but direct them to the convenience store a few blocks away.  The only strangers I ALMOST allowed in were Jehovah's Witnesses and honestly I was messing with them (I am totally going to hell for this).  They asked if I had a minute to talk about *insert something about God/Jesus*.  To which I replied sure, as long as I can talk to you about the dark lord (I was speaking of Voldemort by the way).  Apparently they are not Harry Potter fans.  What's funny is they came back and I answered the door with Convict snarling between my legs...I have not seen them since *muahahahaha*.

5.) "Your alarm company made it easier for me to see whether the system is activated or not by installing the control panel in plain sight." - I'm sorry what?!?  Sooooo then what are we supposed to do to remedy this????  Where do we put it?

6.) "I'm glad you didn't bother setting the alarm while you made a quick trip to the store. I only need about 15 minutes anyway." - This is just dumb!  It takes less than a minute to set the friggin alarm.  SET IT!

7.) "I'm also glad you chose a silent alarm. It won't worry the neighbors, and I should still have time to get in and out before the police arrive." - This exists outside of banks??? Why would you do that?!  Isn't the point of a home alarm to scare the $hit out of a would be burglar???

8.) "Did you really think a fake security sign in the yard would fool me? Oldest trick in the book." - Ooooook, so should you not put a sign at all...?  I mean how exactly do they know which houses have the alarm?

9.) "Maybe it wasn't the best move to choose a dog over an alarm. Fido sure seems to like the treats in my pocket." - How about both, yes both is good.  And ya know my dogs are "nice" at times but I can almost guarantee if you step foot inside you will be mauled...then the dogs will find the treats in your pocket which may end in the inability for you to have children.  Just saying.  

10.) "Thanks for not installing a motion detector light outside. Darkness makes it a lot easier to sneak inside undetected." - what if you leave the outside lights on???  Does that nullify this statement? Because I think that could be a really good "solution" to this problem.

11.) "Lucky for me, home safes usually aren't bolted down or built into walls. So I can take it with me and deal with cracking into it later." - I actually told my husband this.  Unless you plan on bolting it to the floor, it is pointless. Well it will keep important stuff safe in a fire but thats about it.

12.) "Kitchens, living rooms and master bedrooms are the first places I look for valuables. Under mattresses, inside dresser drawers and closets are where I find the jackpot." - Alright, so are you telling me to put my valuables in the toilet reservoir?  I mean I can't keep them in any major rooms or in a safe sooooo its either the toilet or in the attic.  But I don't fancy going into the attic every time I want my pearls or need a $20.  What is a solution?!?!?!

13.) "Thanks for leaving your expensive cellphone or watch in plain sight." - Its my house...where am I supposed to leave it.  

14.) "Your childrens' nice toys in the yard tip me off that there might be an expensive gaming system inside." - I've also heard this said about throwing out boxes after you buy something.  So I can't have nice things because I have to worry about attracting the wrong type of attention???  This sounds eerily like when men tell women not to dress sexy because then they are asking to be raped.  So what do I do besides try to not let people know what I buy.

15.) "Creatures of habit make the best targets. The same routine lets me know when you'll be home or away." - How do you change this?!!??  Unfortunately most of us have M-F schedules where we have to be at work and leave at the same time.  

I just...while some tips are helpful (there were others, I didn't list all of them here) many just annoyed me.  Ok so creatures of habit right.  I can't change it so now do I live in fear that I am being targeted by a crook because I have a 9-5 job???  Again, this list did little more that elicit fear because its telling you about things that make you a target but you can't really do anything to change them. 

I need a rock to crawl under STAT!

Don't you hate when your body betrays you?!?!!?  I am not talking about anything sexual you perv.  I am talking about bodily...um...functions. 

In my day to day I am on the phone a lot, right...right.  Anyway I am very conscious of the "noises"  I make because I know what it is like to be on the receiving end of smacking or drinking or eating.  Anyway!  So I was just on the phone and as I was talking more than the air needed for my words escaped.  It wasn't like a belch but like a growl.  Excuse me while I die. I don't know if the person heard it but based on my previous dealing I am 99.9% certain they did.  But I don't think they thought it was a burp...maybe a groan of frustration...I tried to cover it with a cough but lord knows if that worked.  Argh! Now I am all freaking out...what if they thought I was (Insert anything embarrassing you can think of here).

I am sure it wasn't noticed...right...right!?!?!?  I need reassurance...and a rock *sigh*

If you are a friend of Jesus, you'll be quiet

Sing that to the tune of "if you're happy and you know it, clap your hands."  I actually used this recently with some kids I really don't know who were about to drive me up a wall.  Thankfully they were just as scared as I used to be that Jesus would think I didn't want to be his friend unless I stopped talking.  I mean, you don't want our Lord and Savior saying "*sigh* little Johnny there wouldn't stop whispering to Susie.  Guess he isn't my friend after all *sniffle*."

Seriously though,  these few words could silence an entire assembly in seconds.  Picture a sweet looking nun standing in-front of the school assembly singing that in the most lovely Spanish accent with her hands clasped in front of her.  Of course, this same sweet little nun could put the fear of God in you with just a look.  And I am not talking about a mean look.  She would look at you with a sweet smile and shining eyes and correct you.  Then you suddenly felt like the most awful child on the planet, "oh no!  Why did I do _____?!?!?".  Even if it was something as silly as using the last of the craft glitter and now no one else can make a shiny snowman.  "Dear God, I am a horrible 9 year old!"  

There were different variations also..."if you are a friend of Jesus, you'll sit down." or "if you are a friend of Jesus, you'll line up to go to lunch" or "if you are a friend of Jesus, you'll stop hitting the little girl you think is cute." Okay maybe the last two are a me being silly (or maybe not).  But I can tell you 99.99999% of the time all good little Catholic kids at my school would IMMEDIATELY stop whatever they were doing that could make them not a friend of Jesus.  It was freaking GENIUS!!! 

Anyway, apparently I learned quite a lesson from her.  When kids are misbehaving tell them Jesus wont be their friend unless they stop.  Voila, perfect little angels...muahahahaha.  My luck I will say this one day and some little $hit will be like, "good thing I worship the prince of darkness" to which I will throw salt and holy water on said child, a la Winchester style and hope I am not sued by the parents when the little booger starts sizzling. 

It's opposite day!

Today is the day that yes mean no, please means f**k you, up means down and don't do that means do it...do it with VIGOR!


I swear I just had a conversation with someone that made me want to beat my head into my desk.  I was informed of a problem. The following ensued.

Me: Oh, ok, I know how to fix it, do this. 
Them: So I should do that, right?  
Me: No, no, no...do this, just like I said it. 
Them: Ohhhhhh okay, so I should do this and that. 
Me: No, make sure you are only doing THIS *clenched teeth*. 
Them: But what about that...  
Me: FORGET THAT, that is not important do this.
Them: I did that and its still not working
Me: Well, its because that isn't what you need...you need this...so do this and ignore that.
Them:  Okaaaay, got it...I guess I didn't realize that was not important....Oh look, it is exactly what I needed.  Who knew?!?
Me: *head on desk* *defeated* Oh good, good, glad it worked.  *thinking* "I knew, I f**king knew and I tried to tell you!!!!!"
Them: Thank you dear, you are a miracle worker!
Me: *internal manic laughter* sure, no problem. Happy to help!

This also happened with another person via email a few minutes prior to that conversation.

~~early in the day~~
Me:  Hey, I need you to go over the attached and tell me how to update it based on the new information.
Them: Oh thanks, delete all of it.
Me:  Um, just to clarify...I should delete everything in the attached...?
Them:  Yes, delete all of it.
*all data deleted as requested*
~~~2 hours later~~~
Them: Where is the data?!?!  It's like it was all deleted.  Why was it all deleted?
Me: *utterly confused* Well that was what you said to do
Them: No, that's not what I meant.  I meant update it.
***WTF?!?!  Since when does delete everything, mean update it***
Me: I'm just going to put it back the way it was until you say otherwise.
Them: No, don't do that it's wrong.
*JFC make up your mind!*

Why does it always have to be snakes?!?!

Ha, I was channeling my inner Indiana Jones.  Let me clarify I am not frightened of snakes.  I actually am quite fascinated by them.  I wanted a pet snake soooooo bad when I was a kid but my mom thought I was nuts and said no.  Lately though I am teensy bit paranoid when in my yard.  I mean we had a near death (of an animal) because of a poisonous one that made its way into our yard a few months back. 

*Flash Back*
Dog very lethargic...looked like someone was murdered in my house.  There was watery blood EVERYWHERE! Me thinking dog is dying because he's old...took dog to vet and vet said "Um, I found two puncture wounds".  OMG!!! 
He is fine now.  But we never found a snake. 

Then about a week ago, I heard what sounded like a rattle coming from my psycho neighbors yard.  I freaked and pretty much threw one of my dogs away from the fence!  "Go inside!!!!! Why are you looking at me like that, shoo!" It could have been a bug but I wasn't taking any chances.  It scared me because it was late....and dark....and well you just never know.

*back to present*
Then...then...I found EVIDENCE!  You see I was in my yard picking up knocked over potted plants.  Something I always do after a crazy rainstorm.  As I picked up my poor beat up Gerber Daisy, I saw something stripped move, in the pot.  *scream* I let out a yell and dropped the plant.  "Run awaaaay, run awaaaaay!" Whatever it was SLITHERED under some leaves.  After I did the "what the f**k* was that" dance and dragged my dogs inside, "ahhhhh don't go over there!!!  OMG you dumbo, go inside!", I composed myself.  I was...not scared...more concerned.  So I tried to find it by poking the leaves with a stick.  I mean that's what we humans do, right?  "There's something that doesn't make sense. Let's go and poke it with a stick." Well I couldn't find the damn thing.  So I got my other half and we searched.  Him fussing me for not being more cautious.  Which I mean you never know what this thing is so I guess I should have been more careful.  Anyway, after moving stuff around we found it.  A little less than a foot long, baby snake.  Since we had a problem with something poisonous before it was a "ahhhhhh kill it, KILL IT" reaction instead of our normal, "oooooooo what is it" reaction.  The problem was we couldn't identify it.  I know king snakes and most garter snakes and milk snakes but this one was different so I wasn't sure and neither was he.  Maybe it WAS poisonous! 

So as an after thought I searched and searched online...it wasn't poisonous *oops* it was actually quite harmless.  "doh!" But we were in a we'd rather be safe than sorry mode.  We don't need another snake bite issue.  So I guess we will have to treat the yard again with the snake away stuff...