99% of the time, flashers aren't local. The locals are usually judging the flashers. Its a f**king plastic bead, put your tits away!

*****Begin Transmission*****

I am not talking about Bourbon St.  Truthfully, I don't care what happens on Bourbon.  There aren't CHILDREN on Bourbon.  Well, there shouldn't be children on Bourbon.  It really isn't a place for youngins....at least at night and ESPECIALLY during Mardi Gras Season.  

I was at a f**king parade.  Yes, it was a parade just outside of the Quarter but its still a family parade.  Its a nerd parade.  Some of the costumes are sexy but nothing raunchy or questionable or something that you would be like "OMG little Johnny shouldn't see that!".  I mean other than the obvious Aliens trying to hide among the masses, its a fairly normal parade. 

I am not a fuddy duddy.  When I go to parades, I don't expect a royal treatment.  I know its going to be crowded.  I know I'm going to get shoved and stepped on.  I know there will be drunk idiots.  But there is a point when my calm  understanding of parade people stops being accepting and starts moving me more towards throwing elbows.

So we got there early and had a spot right on the barricade. Which for me is AWESOME because I am a little on the short side so me being front and center is wonderful.  I'd had some beers myself so I was making friends with EVERYONE...such a social butterfly at times *hehehe*.  I met people from San Diego, Houston, India, San Jose and Miami.  There were a few kids in the vicinity and I went into my usual NOLA tour guide mode.  Meaning I love that people visit my city so I want to make them feel welcome.  It was great.  We were enjoying this crazy goofy parade and chit chatting and just having a grand old time...until about 1/2 way through the parade.  That is the point where chaos entered in the form of a VERY drunk girl and two of her friends.  I don't mind drunk.  I really don't.  But stupid drunk that ends up with me injured...that my friends I CANNOT STAND!

As I've mentioned I am little and I tend to get lost in the crowd, which is why my husband usually tries to stand behind me to kind of keep me safe (daaaaaw).  Well Mrs. Drunky McDrunkerson decided that the best way for her to see the parade was on top of me.  Like literally ON TOP OF ME.  I was smooshed against the f**king barricade.  She was leaning over me.  Like all her weight on little ol' me.  I could feel her f**king nipples through her bra and two shirts and my two shirts.  Get off b**ch!!!!!  I would lean back a bit and she would move.  Then almost jump over my head to get to the parade peeps.  One of her jump forward moments ended with her losing her balance, slipping of the curb and latching on to me for stability.  She was at least twice my size.  I went forward into the barricade.  My skinny little chicken leg went between the bars and my forearms slammed into the top of it.  It f**king HURT!

My husband did what any husband would do, grabbed her and threw her off of me.  No fight ensued and she did apologize.  Yea yea yea whatever, stupid c**t...

Somehow she wormed her way next to me...between me and this adorable FAMILY from out of town.  Crazy drunk girl took the girls out.  She wasn't unattractive but really?!!?!?  So there they are eye level with me and just above a little girls head.  It was their daughters b-day.  Happy b-day little bit, have some tits in your face.  Are you for real?!?!!?  There are CHILDREN right next to you, put those away!!! 

But alas, she did not....she did cover them by pulling her bra cups back up...so no more nips.  And look I am not ashamed of the tatas but using them like that just cheapens them.  Sorry, not sorry.  

Then...oh yes, it gets better.  Then she looks at me and says "why aren't yours out?!!?" *shocked* "Ummmm, no I don't think I'll be doing that".  She says, "why not, you get more beads that way!!!" *WTF*  "Yea, no one wants to see my tiny tatas".  I was trying to be tactful but still let her know PUT YOUR BOOBS AWAY!  Instead her friend, who I will admit was quite attractive, turned to me and said "I wouldn't mind seeing them".  Oh....Oh my *blushing*...did I just get hit on by a very attractive girl?!?! *hehehehe* 

Still no, these puppies are staying under wraps.  After that it got a little better.  Her two friends were keeping her tamed but the boobies still stayed on display.  What kills me is the parade peeps weren't like "YEA, whoohooo boobs!!!" Instead they were like "Oh...what....ummmm..." *looking anywhere but at the boobs* and then handed me whatever trinkets they were giving away.  Because there were also KIDS IN THE PARADE!!!!

Seeeeeeeeeee you don't have to show your boobs to get Mardi Gras stuff!!!!  Just smile and wave.  That's all I did and I had all kinds of crap to bring home.  I like this parade because almost everything is homemade.  Its fun little things you get. 

I woke up Sunday with the mother of all bruises on my thigh.  There is a hard lump and its a lovely shade of red purple blue green.  My forearms are beat up too and I have a bruise on my ribs....probably from falling into the barricade. 

Lesson:  Drinking at parades is fine.  But try not to injure other people in your quest for cheap crap you can buy at the Wal-Mart. Oh and most people from NOLA don't show their boobs for beads!  We frown upon that.  Keep that $hit for Bourbon and leave it off of the parade routes.  

*****End Transmission*****

I used to dance to this song. My BFF and I did that weird pop/hump air to this song. How did I forget about this song?!?!

This is like a throw back to my early teens.  I mean the song came out in 1993.  I was what...12.  OMG I wasn't even a teen yet!  I was going to sock hops & CYA dances and dancing to this!  CYA Dances!!!!!  That is the CHRISTIAN Youth Association.  How WRONG is that?!?!  I even had a cassette tape of it!!!!  Mom what were you thinking?!?! 

I don't even think I understood the whole reference.  I mean I was 12 so I knew SOMETHING but just, just listen to the lyrics!!! Oh and watch the video.  I am having flashbacks of shaking it like a dog and doing the Fire Hydrant.  Wow...just wow.  That's just wrong wrong wrong.  And we thought we were hot $hit dancing like that.  Good doG!

PLEASE!!!Gemme dat donkey butt and dem big ole legs! Update: on Facebook   #12Gauge  https://www.facebook.com/TwelveMuzik/
Posted by Calvin MrGrind Howard on Friday, October 16, 2015

Its only forearms!!! That's like the least sexual patch of skin, right!?!?

Least sexual...is that proper English...?  Whatever I am a tad delirious.  But what is it about forearms!?!?  Like I don't mean all the time.  But the rolled up shirt sleeves...its like instant panty drop.  Is that just me?  I doubt its just me.  Maybe it's just me.  Maybe my other half needs to get home from work already.  Maybe I should get the sleep.  Seriously though...

Why

is

so

this

freaking

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

HOT!?!?

 

 

Okay, I am done now...I think...maybe...I just don't understand why that is so appealing.  Like when the hubs does it, I have to restrain myself from jumping him because we are usually heading out...weird, right?  I'm going to have a cold shower and sleep off this randomness...night night.

I find myself oddly attracted to that woman...

So face swap is usually something terrifying.  Its usually so creeptastic that most would call it the stuff of nightmares. Then there are the odd few that fit and fit well. 

This is the whole article that prompted this. 

Most people said "OMG this is so uncomfortable" and I'm over here like "ya know David Tennant makes a fairly pretty woman". Followed by, "hmmmm...did I just think that out loud...?". 

My Evidence

Seriously though...while I think Billie is gorgeous, and this pic isn't half bad...I am not like "damn 'he' hot".  But I am like "hmmmm 'she' cute" and I am starting to question my sanity.  This one makes me a tad more uncomfortable but it still fits for both of them...clearly I have different taste...

Anyways, the others were a bit more creepy but I will add Karen made an attractive 'man'. 

So my conclusion...I don't know but I'm not as creeped out as I should be according to the article and I think that says something about my mental state...maybe. 

And here we have a skelton shaking its hips...they don't lie

Shut up, I am funny.  And delirious.  I probably find it funnier because of the delirium.  This should be a wild ride...buckle up. 

I found this while cleaning...First I had NO idea peeling labels could be so gratifying.

I mean look at that pure unadulterated ecstasy.  Oh yea, peels so good!  I feel dirty just looking at this.  I clearly happened upon someone in the midst of enjoying their fetish.  Oh my bad...I'll just...soooooo what are you going to DO with that label...?  But for real...what was the photographers direction???  "I want you to peel that label like you are on the verge of experiencing the most satisfying orgasm of your life." 

I am concerned...I think my friend is saving body parts. *gulp*

What do I do!?!?!  Except that is clearly NOT human. Alien?  Fae?  Dragon?!?!  Do I call Mulder or the Winchesters or maybe Bo?  I was informed it is a "Buddha's Hand"...right...sure...*wink, wink*.  So really...are you a hunter???  What is it?!!?!?  Why is it in Vodka???  What else are you hiding...?  *eeeeep*

So these are NOT craft pieces...

These are edible ball bearings, also known as dragees.  They are basically sugar with a shiny coating.  It took me longer than I'd like to admit to realize that these were "food", considering I didn't know what the definition of dragees was.  Then all I could think of was "Have you ever had those little cakes, with the crunchy ball bearings on top... ever had those... those things? Nobody else in the entire galaxy has ever even bothered to make edible ball bearings! Genius!" (10th Doctor - Fear Her) These look like real metal, dammit (yes, I know that is the point).  I feel like I'd crack a tooth or something. 


*lalala* when suddenly a life size blowup Batman hiding in the aisle.  Jesu....I need an adult and new pants!!!!!  That is f**king terrifying!

I'm Batman

Why!?!?  Seriously though.  It is fairly true to size...well I mean like small adult size.  If I got down in the same position it was only slightly larger.  Can you imagine waking up in the middle of the night and seeing that silhouette in the living room?!?! *ahhhhh* "I need new undies...and possibly a new heart".  Also...what is with the arm/fist placement.  It is very...uh..."suggestive".  He's like semi stroking it AND enjoying it!  Or a least doing the motion.  No really when the air catches it, the arm lazily pumps up and down while the head slowly nods...."Oh my god, does no one else see how wrong this is?!?!?"  Everything about this screams *not suitable for children* NC-17...X-Rated...(okay maybe I am being a tad dramatic) but there were so MANY parents placing children to take pics in the arms of this blow up "masturbating" monstrosity.  (I would have taken a video but there was a line of kids waiting)

No no no no nooooooooooooooooo! This week has been AWFUL!

I didn't post anything Monday because its been an insane week work wise but after this morning I have to take a moment... two...TWO brilliant, talented artists died of cancer just days apart.  My little geeky heart can't handle it!!!

I woke up Monday morning (f**k you Monday) to a news alert saying David Bowie passed away.  Then I woke up this morning (f**k you Thursday!) to a news alert that Alan Rickman passed away.  What is happening!?!?!?

David Bowie was such an amazingly talented man.  He will always be the Goblin King who sings about Magic and seduces unsuspecting selfish older sisters, along with a few other choice roles he played...I'm gonna go watch Zoolander again just for that scene.  His music will always hold a special place in my heart.  It's a little weird, I guess, but its so good.  You can't tell me that when listening to Space Oddity or Heroes or Starman or Life on Mars or Let's Dance that you don't get all weirdly happy inside.  His music was/is so unique yet speaks to so many different types of people.  So Monday I listened to David Bowie Radio ALL DAY and watched the Labyrinth when I got home.  I danced around my living room singing "Dance Magic, Dance" while my dogs looked at me like I was a lunatic. He's f**king David Bowie, dammit!  He is a legend!  He was only 69!!! Sorry but these days that is NOT old.  As some people joked (in a nice way, not @$$holes), he didn't die, he just went home.

This song took on a bit of a different significance Monday:

This is Ground Control to Major Tom
You've really made the grade
And the papers want to know whose shirts you wear
Now it's time to leave the capsule if you dare
This is Major Tom to Ground Control
I'm stepping through the door
And I'm floating in the most peculiar way
And the stars look very different today
For here am I sitting in my tin can
Far above the world
Planet Earth is blue
And there's nothing I can do

Then this morning "famed actor Alan Rickman has died at 69".  What, noooooooo! How...what....69 also....ahhhhhhhh!  Alan Rickman was an insanely talented actor.  Of course he is the loved/hated Professor Severus Snape but he is also the Sheriff of Nottingham, Hans from die hard, Alexander in Galaxy Quest (which I just watched again like two days ago), Marvin (HGTTG), The Blue Caterpillar, and countless other roles and characters he brought to life.  I love his voice and his sense of humor.  He is/was so dry but it was so perfect.  If you haven't seen the Tonight Show interview where he inhales Helium, you need to look at it PRONTO!  I just can't believe he is gone too!  Both in the same week!

"If only life could be a little more tender and art a little bit more robust" - Alan Rickman 

I'm fine, it's fine, I'm...gonna go sit in a dark room and binge watch Harry Potter for the umpteenth time.  RIP to two unbelievably talented entertainers who were taken a bit too soon.  

 

I'm an unintentional oddball and it's HILARIOUS!!!!

At least for me...and people who find my humor amusing. Okay okay not too oddball-esq unless you get the reference.  And its not even that odd more just I don't always have a filter to stop my weirdness.

I am very cautious about being "weird" at work with persons other than my co-workers whom have known me FOREVER!  But when it comes to telemarketers my brain apparently checks out.

So I got a call from some "hey you won a free trip, all you have to do is buy this BS" companies.  I try not to be rude and just hang up.  Its their job, I have to cut them a little slack.  Well I unconsciously did something and it was, well, soooo stupid *beating head on desk*.

Me: Hello....
Person: Hi, I'm looking for NOLAGurl 
Me: *cautiously* This is NOLAGurl
Person: Hi NOLAGurl, I was calling to let you know you won a trip to sunny Orlando for four.
Me: Um...how?
Person:  You must have signed up for it
Me: *Not recalling ANY contests*  *light bulb* Ya know I don't think I did.
Person:  Well I have your name and number
Me:  Yea but you said my maiden name...a name a haven't used in over 4 years (ha, gotcha!)
Person: Oh...but you won and all you have to do is pay taxes
Me:  I appreciate the call but I am not interested
Person: But its free
Me: What is your definition of free?
Person: *quiet* Well. Here is the website *rattles off web address*...its legit...look it up....if you change your mind you can call me back...
Me: K...what is your name and number?
Person: Jessica *last name*, *phone number*
Me: *scribbling info* Thank you Jessssssiiiicah
Person: Whoa, creepy..You said it kinda like him...
Me: *thinking* Huh....oh...OH... F**K!  *Said* Oh my...*stuttering* I didn't mean to actually say that out loud! *sigh* Sorry... *dying of embarrassment* Wait... *realizing she got the reference*
Person:  No worries, *giggle* it just caught me off guard.  Seriously though at least check it out and call me back with any questions.

Ugh, I am so...just...not normal.  Excuse me while I crawl under my desk...What are the chances of me talking to someone who was probably in a different time zone...possibly a different country who happened to call me, of all people and would get an obscure reference like that.  At least her whole attitude changed from aggressive sales person to "friend".  Anyone else would have just been like "well she's weird...". It was 2 parts hilarious and 1 part embarrassing.  Oh well at least it was funny...ish.  And I obviously didn't scream it like a complete psycho.  Also, my voice is incapable of pitching that low, but you get the idea.  So thank you Jessica for making my day a little less "blah" *muah*. Welp, guess I am obligated to call her back now and listen to the spiel about the "free" trip since I unconsciously imitated a sociopath while talking to her.