Can you accidently open a portal by just WATCHING those stupid TV shows?!?!?!

I spooked myself so bad.  I was home alone *doh* and decided to watch Sunday night TV.  Normally I watch the FOX lineup and Downton Abby but FOX had on The Passion Live (which I watched) and well the other one ended *wah*.  What does any normal person do after watching a live action bible story...they watch the new episode of "A Haunting", duh! 

Mind you prior to the live show I was watching reruns of A Haunting....like all day!  I clearly watch these kinds of shows all the time.  A Haunting, My Haunted House, Paranormal Lock down, Paranormal Survivor, Ghost Hunters, Celebrity Ghost Stories, Paranormal Witness...I think you get the idea.  And while sometimes they give me the heebie jeebies, I am not usually scared...most times I'm just intrigued.  I mean I know some people are nutters but they can't ALL be making this $hit up...right?!?!

So as I said it was a NEW episode of A Haunting so I was like sure why not *BAD IDEA*.  This episode was about a DEMON that attached itself to a young girl. 

*quick recap* Her dad died before she was born. Weird $hit starts happening in the house like 9 years later. They think its dad.  Little girl sees dad.  Its not dad, it morphs into this horrifying creature with f**king cat eyes (oh hello "yellow eyes"...watch SPN).  It DRAGS the little girl around the house, hides in the closet/bathroom/HER BEDROOM and is very violent.  I'm freaking out a bit...this is kind of scary.  

Moving on, I go to bed a little spooked but I am fine.  As I am showering I heard a noise so I opened my eyes and see a distorted face staring at me through the curtain, *yipahhhhhhh*...Dammit dog...quit being creepy. I finish up and go to lay down.  Speedy starts going BAT$HIT crazy.  Ummmm...dog....Dog...DOG...STAHP!  He is barking and growling at me.  He is BITING at my arm and literally pulled me off the bed.  He stopped...I got back in bed and he went ape$hit again pulling on my arm.  "What is wrong with you?!!?!"  It started to hurt so I yelled and he stopped.  I laid down and he climbed on top of me...growling...NOT at me, just in general.  "WTF dog, it is NOT play time. Go to sleep, you are freaking me out!"

I got comfy and started reading my book.  I was just starting to get drowsy when one side of my closet doors slowly popped open (its two of those two panel sliding ones). *eeeeeep* "Its a cat. *sees cat in my lap* Its the other cat " I crawled to the edge of my bed....no cat.  "f**k, f**k, f**k."  I pushed the door closed.  I attempted to get comfy again...it popped open again, no cat in sight...*sigh* "I'm going to die".  I pushed it closed.  I just laid back down when my door popped open again *staring in horror* and then one of the doors on my husbands popped open *scream* I dove to the foot of the bed and I thought I saw a black shadow go under the bed.  "WTF this isn't funny!!!"  That was the black cat...right....RIGHT?!?!?  Old lady cat starts "complaining" and growling.  "Oh just f**k me sideways, what is happening?!?!!?"

I jumped up, closed my closet...tethered it shut with a rope belt thing.  I closed the husbands closet and blocked it with the laundry basket, then looked under the bed.  Nothing...no cat....*breathing heavy* "Its fine, we are fine...its FINE!" 

I am now just staring at the TV waiting for something...nothing happens *whew*.  I eventually start to doze off and I hear *knock knock knock* *eyes pop open* *whimper* *pulls covers higher*.  I am clearly hearing things.  *knock knock knock* My closet door is moving but can't open.  "$hit $hit...its a cat, its a cat".  *bang bang bang*. Speedy starts growling, old lady runs out of the room.  "OMG I am going to be a statistic!"  I dove to the edge of the bed...nothing *sobbing* "It has to be a f**king cat!"

So now I am going to be the "stupid girl" from the horror movies.  I slowly lowered myself to look under the bed.  I hear a *hiss* and two glowing eyes come darting at my face.  I screamed, speedy is barking, I fell off the bed head first (we have tile floor...OW!) and now have a black cat playfully attacking my arm.  *with a shaky voice* "I f**king hate you!!!! You know that right!"

It was Demon Spawn.  Apparently she wanted to mess with me for some ungodly reason.  She was popping the doors open and then hiding under the bed, I guess.  Her collar is broken so there isn't a bell. She is in super stealth mode at the moment!  

Soooooo not a spirit or whatever...just an @$$hole cat.  

What is happening?!?! The Passion isn't supposed to make me laugh....

Oh man...oh man...I am so going to hell now.  Y'all!  Y'aaaaaall!  Alright I am watching "The Passion Live".  And it's not bad....really.  Its...just...uh...different.

I am mainly watching because it is in NOLA (NOLA Proud, what what) but I am also watching because it honestly looked good.  And despite the goofiness I post, I was raised Catholic so I wanted to see it.  And it really is good.  But the modernizing of the story of The Passion of Christ is TRIPPING ME OUT! 

I know they said it would be a retelling of the story with modern songs and stuff but I lost it a bit as Jesus and Peter started singing "Home" while walking down Royal Street.  Its fitting but it caught me off guard.

Flash forward to the breaking of bread thing and Jesus bought his bread from a FOOD TRUCK.  I was dying.  He walked up and was like "3 loaves of bread please".  *snort*

Then Judas is having an internal conflict and busted out "Bring Me To Life".  And while I LOVE that song and Daughtry was pretty phenomenal....I just...I guess I never thought of that song fitting with this story.  But it did.  Dang it...I'm conflicted. 

Moving on.  I am home alone and they are all sleeping under the CCC.  And he's about to be arrested, right.  The freaking NOPD S.W.A.T.  team shows up to arrest Jesus.  I lost my $hit.  I said "Dammit NOPD this is why we can't have nice things!  You arrested the Messiah!!!!" And I died laughing a little and then said "OMG, this show is making me a really bad person!"

So I am thinking this can't get any "weirder" and *BAM* Peter is walking through a NOLA hood being asked if he was with that Jesus guy (he denies it...typical).  Then he sings "The Reason" in a freaking NOLA Cemetery and I just...what is happening?!?!?

Suddenly we are watching Jesus get dragged on stage by the S.W.A.T. team in....AN ORANGE JUMP SUIT!  I legit *snorted*.  It's not funny, dang it!  This is a serious part of the story!!!  He is standing trial...and I am a giggling mess on my couch.  "Ooooo no honey boo, orange is NOT your color" (in my best impression of Agador from The Birdcage).

You can't tell me that wouldn't make you laugh...?!?!?!

Holla, Jesus is on top of the freaking WESTIN hotel singing "Unconditionally".  It made me smile but like a happy smile.  I love this song and it does fit well.  Then I got nervous because he is WAY up there and its windy tonight.  But I will say the wind made for a fairly awesome scene. 

And then....we pan out and see my BEAUTIFUL city! Closing with "When the Saints go Marching in" and I just...what an odd choice....I love you NOLA! Never change!!!!

Okay all in all, it was pretty great!  Now when I hear these songs I will think of this.  And that isn't necessarily a bad thing.  I just couldn't stop my giggles...so sue me!

Its not funny anymore. Joke is over. No really...stop......please.....

This is why Idiocracy could be considered a documentary.

Education is the key.  Educated people tend to make better decisions.  Not always the best decisions but better ones.  We are still human so mistakes will always be made.  So WHY IS EDUCATION NOT OUR PRIORITY?!?!?!  Yes we need to save the planet...stop killing Earth...THANKS! 

Yes we need to do a lot of things.  But fixing these are just band-aids.   If we focus on educating our spawn in addition to fixing the f**k ups...maybe...just maybe we have a fighting chance.  Right...right?!?! 

But there in lies part of the problem.  The persons able to become educated are putting off spawning until later in life.  Well later in life is where we have issues.  So it is possible that the intelligence wont be passed on. 

But those not educated (not always by their own choice) are popping them out one after the other.  And I am not saying ALL kids from uneducated parents have problems.  I am saying on an average that is the case.  Because the parents don't have the foundations to pass on to their spawn.  And teachers only have so much power.  So then we have more than likely 2nd generation uneducated and so on and so forth. 

My rant came from this......

- Person grows up watching older sibling crash and burn from SERIOUS drug problems
- Person watches in horror as older sibling royally screws up their 1st child while still battling a drug
  addiction (mainly HEROIN)
- Person watches as grandpa takes over raising of said child (Permanently)
- Person vows to never be like them
- Person watches older sibling have ANOTHER child while relapsing (Pills this time)
- Person is FREAKING out and watches as that child is taken by grandma (temporary but still)
- Person is starting a career in medical
- Person has an "ooops" ($hit happens, I'm not judging) and drops out of school (NOOOO don't do 
  that!)
- Person moves in with long time bf and baby
- I do not hear much from person for a few years but all seems well when we are in touch
- Suddenly I am told baby is seized by CPS and person & bf are in prison for child 
  endangerment and drug possession (not just any drug... METH)
***Holy f**king $hit!!!  What happened?!?!?!?***
- Baby is about to be released into the foster system when grandma steps up to the plate again and
  takes them in
- A two year battle with rehab & relapsing & domestic charges.  Being kicked out of group 
  homes.  Court.  You name it, it happened.  Person wants the kid but CPS says if they try to 
  take the kid, the kid will be seized...AGAIN.
- Grandma still has kid.  She is court appointed guardian.  Person is trying to stay sober...its an uphill
  battle.
- Today from person "I'm so excited to announce baby girl, due September 2016.  I'm in desperate need of baby stuff so please pass this along."

***Ahhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhh!!! No no no no no no no...just f**king no!!!***
*** You can't take care of Baby A...you should NOT be having Baby B!!!!!***
*** Yes, access to things like sex ed and birth control would help but JFC you are 27 years old WITH A CHILD.  You should know that inserting Tab A into Slot B could end in Baby!!!!!***

So while Baby A is being raised by grandma...Baby B will be raised by person...maybe...I guess a court decision could change that.  I am terrified for BOTH of them.  Grandma is old...what happens to Baby A when she is gone or can't take care of them anymore!?!?!? Person couldn't handle raising one...how are they gonna raise two?!?!?

I'm not being mean or jealous.  I am being realistic.  I am being an observer and what I am observing scares me.  

This is just one example.  This happens all the time...I know it does...but how do we stop it.  How do we evolve instead of devolve.   How do we protect kids from following in their parents footsteps (poor choices).  I gave myself a headache.

 

SIDE NOTE - Drugs are bad.  Addiction is bad.  I know its hard to just quit but bringing kids into makes me stabby.

He's running for President?!?!? I thought he was "dead".....

I try to not be too political...too religious/anti-religious...too anything really.  I believe what I believe and if you believe differently, that's fine.  But somethings...I see them and I just want to Gibbs Slap people.

What the actual f**k?!?!!  I'll tell you what I'm gonna shout...go chomp on some arsenic...and for the love of whomever please don't vote...or reproduce...

Look I get it, our choices for the next president are pretty meh but REALLY?!?!?  Do you know how our electoral system works???  That's not how it works!!! You CANNOT VOTE FOR A DEAD GUY!  Even if said dead guy rose from the dead and went home only to be born again.  He might be our "only hope" (wait...I thought Obi-wan was our only hope...?) but he can't be President. 

Unless the second coming is happening this is STUPID!  Even if the 'second coming' is happening, he can't run...he's not a natural born citizen.  Well he is if he happens to be reborn here but I doubt any deity would want to come back as an American...especially not now.  Actually why would any deity want to come back period...our world is a f**ked up place.  Just keep your spot in the bleachers and watch this insanity unfold.

I get what they are trying to elude to but the "he has my vote" makes me want to run around screaming and throwing skittles at people.  No...just no...JUST NO!


Yes yes yes...a deity could just take over because powerful and whatnot but I am being literal...because its funny.

When I said I thoguht the devil was cute, I was talking about the actor!!! Not the actual devil!!! Please remove this curse!

Right so in a previous post I was rambling on about my crush on "the devil" but not really the devil...an ACTOR playing him on a TV Show.  Apparently the part where I said "NOT ACTUALLY THE DEVIL" was lost when some of the divine were reading my blog and they decided to punish me.

We did a travel race recently and thought "whooohoo excuse for a girls weekend".

Everything was fine.  We had some adult beverages and decided to do a buffet for dinner.  Buffets are usually a waste on me because I don't eat THAT much but what the heck, why not...?

A few of us went straight for the snow crabs...mmmmmm snow crabs.  They were delicious.  There was also boiled shrimp, prime rib, calamari, oysters, clams, scallops, pad thai, sushi (um no thanks...buffet...just...no), etc etc etc.  We were having fun and chatting and drinking (water/cokes at this point).  30-45 min later everyone started eating dessert but I wasn't in the mood (this is normal...I don't eat many sweets).  Mid-sentence I got the absolute worst stabbing pain I have EVER had.  I literally just stopped talking.  Then it passed.  Okay...that was weird...moving on.  A few minutes later it happened again...lasted longer but then passed. "Hmmmm what is wrong with me...?" Attributing it to "NOLA Gurl never eats this much" I ignored it (bad idea).  It happened again...SO BAD I white knuckle gripped the table and closed my eyes.  I thought I was going to pass out from pain.  My friends were like...dude you okay?  No...no...I think...I think I need to pop off to the potty for a tic.  Everything I ate was just dying to make a reappearance.  They were all done so they opted to go back to the room with me before we headed to our next destination.

I wasn't dying but I felt...off...and I was terrified of what the next "knife in the gut, rolling nausea" pain would bring with it.  As we are going up in the elevator one of my other friends stopped mid sentence and bent over in pain..."Uh oh".  She did not fare as well as me with the "OMG someone is stabbing me from the inside" pain (told you I have a high pain threshold).  No...no...she was about to....have a moment in the elevator.

It was like a childbirth moment.  "Sweetie breathe, breathe.  Okay you are fine...you're fine", *crying out in pain*, "you've got this...just 3 more floors" *to the other friend* "get the key out, NOW!".  We couldn't run down the hall because...just trust me when I say, that would have been unwise.

We barely made it into the room.  While one of us "died" in the bathroom, the rest of us just hung out in the common area with the TV up loud, for privacy purposes. I was not doing well sitting there but we only had one bathroom...*deep breath* you can wait.  Suddenly you hear "y'all *gasp* I think I might be dying!"  

By this point I am sweating and pale. *whoosa, whoosa*

"I'm fine...feel great...yep..." Yea no!  She came out just in time for me to bolt in there, I couldn't "breathe" my way through the pain anymore.

After my friend's second bout of dying in the bathroom the following occurred:

Me: Okay, so we are, uh, staying in...good, that's good.
Friend 1:  I need pepto, *groan* flopping onto the bed
Friend 2: Yea, I think that would be wise, y'all don't look too good
Me: *taking off leggings to put on my PJs* Right, I'll text the others and...
*running with leggings around my ankles and just a cami* 
*tripping over the leggings* 
*slamming into the wall* 
*crawling into the bathroom* 
*barely made it to the toilet*

***5 minutes later*** 

Friend 2: NOLA Gurl, you need to get out the bathroom, NOW!
Me: *in a sing song voice* I caaaaaan't , I'm having issssuuuuuessss *stabbing pain* *gag* *groan*
Friend 1: I can't, I can't hold this in *starting to cry* it hurts so much
Friend 2: *screaming* NOLA Gurl, we have a PROBLEM!!!
Me: *dying* * just straight up dying*
Friend 2: Weeeeellll there is a trash can in here
Friend 1: Ha! *gag* *groan* don't make me laugh...
Me: *sobbing* it just...it just won't stop! 

This went on for hours.  It was like a gladiator match trying to get to the bathroom.

We cuddled with each other on the bed, moaning in pain, and watching videos on a phone until we fell asleep (sort of).  I mean who wants to fall into a deep sleep when there is a chance you could puke or $hit yourself before you get to the f**king bathroom 

So we are 99% sure we had some type of food poisoning but we can't figure out what we ate differently. 

UPDATE - we think it was the snow crabs.  They were dumping the fresh ones on top of the older ones...we think ours were from the bottom...who knows how long there were there...o_O

And that's how you figure out you may have a new "celebrity crush" *doh*

Sooooooooooooooooooo I may have mentioned recently at that other site that I really really really REALLY like that new show Lucifer on Fox.  If you haven't watched it you are missing out!  Like holy crap I am 100% obsessed.  Okay not obsessed but I love it!  The casting is perfection.  The writing is amazing.  The whole premise is fascinating.  Never in my life did I think I would "feel sorry for the devil".  He's just so misunderstood...oh my God I am going to hell.

It also helps that Mr. Ellis is not bad to look at...and takes his shirt off...FREQUENTLY (thank you TV gods).  But it isn't just that...

Oh and the accent...what is it about accents?!?!!?  He's just really good at making me want to be friends with the devil...but he's still scary...that sounds so weird...

With that said I have my old favs.  Those will never change...probably (hahaha).  But I didn't realize how much Lucifer was on my mind until today.  Again, I sound like a satanist...I'm not...I SWEAR!

I was speaking to a Customer.  His name is Tom.  As he was talking I was scribbling notes.  I went back to look at my notes and I wrote down "Tom Ellis".  His name...his name isn't Ellis *gah*...its close but soooooooooo not.  It actually starts with an 'H' but it ends in -is so that's close...right?!?!

Anyways when I realized my blunder I put my head down and giggled.  Like legit GIGGLED.  Oh lord help me I think I have a teeny crush on the devil...I mean Mr. Ellis...I mean Mr. Ellis playing Lucifer Morningstar.  Aaaaaaaaaaaaand OMG I really do sound like a loon!

OMG who puts raw meat with tampons, and a nice chardonnay?!?!?! What kind of crazy world do you live in?!?! You are doing it wrong!!!

Sooooooo I think I am a tad OCD.  Not about everything but I have some quirks that are a bit...um...Unique.

I went to the store to get a few items.  It was lunch time so there were a lot of peeps in Target.  Translation, all check out lanes were packed.  I jumped in the first one I saw and almost died.  Okay, that maybe a bit dramatic...MAYBE.  There was a lady in front of me with a bunch of stuff. That wasn't the issue.  The issue was how it was arranged on the conveyor belt. 

I didn't notice at first.  I grabbed a divider and put my stuff on the belt.  Frozen foods together.  Canned foods together.  Deli items for lunch + drink together.  And a sports bra at the end with my coupons.  Then I looked at the belt *silent scream, silent scream*.  Does no one else notice this atrocity?!?!

There was no order.  It was like someone just dumped the buggy on the belt without thinking.  It took all of my self control not to start organizing it. The RAW MEAT was mixed up with canned foods and toiletries.  The dog bones were with veggies and shampoo.  The toiletries were with eggs & frozen bread and WORK OUT ATTIRE.  Dear god...Whhhhhy?!?!?!

Seriously, I was having a sitcom moment.  All I could picture was me snapping and frantically rearranging the items while the other shopper yelled at me and the cashier called security.  I'd be forcefully dragged out the store screaming "For the love of god don't put the sports bra with the ground meat!!!!"

Which by the way totally happened!!!  Sports bra with ground meat, and a block of cheese.  No...no...no.  You don't put raw meat with anything but other raw meats.  Honestly you put it alone if you are me but I try not to be too crazy. 

So I am an oddball...right?  Whatever, it makes sense to me!