Shut up! Just shut up, shut up, shut up, shuttity up-up-up!!!

I think you should listen to the Doctor, it could save your life...from angry me!

Remember that opinion thing...everyone is entitled to one but just because you have one doesn't mean you should voice it.  Yea I need this printed on a note card so I can slam it into people's faces when they have a stupid because I had more than one person (actually 4 to be exact) over the course of a week say something about "pet owners" and I almost lost my $hit.

Let me learn you something.  Just because you don't like animals OR certain kinds of animals doesn't mean they are "bad".  This isn't about "viscous breeds" either.  This is about all animals...mainly CATS!  Yes, cats are @$$holes.  No really, you correct them and they look at you like "biotch please".  But just because someone has cats doesn't mean A) they jump on the counter willy nilly 2) they are on said counter during food prep and C) or 3) all our food products contain cat fur!

Just because you have seen on TV that crazy people horde cats (and dogs) and live in filth or let their cats do whatever does NOT mean all animal owners are like this.  My cats are so scared to jump on the counter because they have been sprayed or had things thrown at them.  I am not dumb, when I am not there it is possible they get up on the counters but that just means I am more diligent about cleaning the counters. Its called a Clorox wipe and they get used frequently in my house. Seriously though, saying "I found out she had a cat and I immediately thought, 'oh God I am eating cat fur'" makes you sound like an idiot and it's rude.  Owning a pet does not mean filth! Do you know how hard it was for me to NOT respond to this.  Just smile and nod, smile and nod, don't be a bitch, whooosa, 1...2...3. 

I think my fav moment happened a few moments ago when someone was bitching about this exact thing for the fourth time in just a few days.  I was done.  The first I just ignored and shrugged and let it go.  This person though really pushed a button....so I waited till they were ooing and ahhhing about my baked goods, then I said "FYI, I should mention I have a cat...actually 2 but don't worry I only let them lick the spoon once while I was cooking".  This got me a horrified look and a lecture about allergies and how "that's not funny, I could die." Yea yea yea, well you haven't yet and I've been baking gifts for at least 8 years.  Therefore, I clearly keep a clean household, you haven't eaten a cat fur yet, so stop stereotyping cat owners!

My point is its effing Christmas, stop being a jerk! You know (everyone knows!) I am an avid animal lover so quit bad mouthing people who have pets because I am sitting right here @$$hole and no matter what you say I am taking it as being directed at me.  Ungrateful *grumble grumble grumble*, maybe I just wont bake gifts for you next year.  Only for people who seem to appreciate it :P

**UPDATE** I am very aware of how bad cat allergies can be, that is why I am so cautious.  I am not insensitive to allergies, much the opposite but I am fed up with people being jerks. 

I'm flattered but no thanks!

Whomever referred me to the National Association of Professional Women...why?!!?!?  While I am flattered that you think so highly of me it is not a free thing.  It is an expensive thing.  And while I do well in my profession, LIKE HELL am I going to pay $900+ annually.  Sorry.  Apparently there are lower "memberships" but you don't get all the perks.  But $700+, yea no.  How about $99 for 6 months or a year, what part of NO are you not getting?!?  Can I just say one thing...one thing...CHRISTMAS JUST HAPPENED!!!  I know some people have money to burn but hitting peeps up for hundreds of dollars at this time of year seems kind of jerk-ish.  Especially those who might be sensitive to the fact that they NEED to pay to meet people.  Ya know, alone during the holidays...sure I'll pay $900 for a membership so I can go to free seminars *face palm*.  Who knows, it could be beneficial for some but to me it sounds like a HUGE waste of money...

Well you know what, I am not that desperate for networking.  LinkedIn seems to be working just fine for me and I am not exactly shy.  Reserved yes but not shy.  So I am good...thanks.  At least I can get the "free" membership but I was told its not very good.  Eh, whatever. 

In other news why the hell is my facebook suggesting this page???

I am neither a parent nor a young girl getting her first period.  And am I reading that right....is that website called Helloflo?!!?  That my friend is kind of genius.  Also..."skip the party and go straight to the kit"...is that a thing now?  Do people throw "happy first period parties"?!?!  Cause I was not given that nor would I have wanted that when I was a young girl.  I would have died.  Who wants to celebrate womanhood.  It sucks.  Welcome to the party homey, you get to bleed once a month for at least the next 30 years.  After I screamed because I thought I was DYING, all I got was a sympathetic look from my mom, I was handed a giant maxi pad that reminded me of a diaper, and told "good luck". Side note, I knew it was coming but you try being a 13 year old waking up in a puddle of blood. 

But look at the girl...look at her!  She looks TERRIFIED.  I feel like this is one of those hostile situations where we should want to save the little one but must be cautious to not anger the soccer mom trying to "hold on to her youth" via the daughter.  Oh God, what if she's like a shapeshifter or alien or some other monster drawn to the young one because of her, um, cycle.  Someone call the Winchesters!!!

I think I need to stop watching TV....

In French, your name means: Exotic

You tend to stand out more than you fit in. You are one of a kind. You can never be constrained or boxed in. Simply, your nature is to be free and liberated. You've got amazing experiences and seriously intriguing stories, but most of all, you are classy in a your own kind of way. You make the world that much more interesting!

I am 99.9999999% certain my name means something totally different like "Gift from God" but okay. 

Although Exotic with its description is much more fitting than "Gift from God".  I am no gift, much less one from a deity. I'm more like that "free to good home" puppy that everyone thinks is adorable but no one really wants to take responsibility for.  Although I am less likely to pee on the carpet or eat your fav shoes.  I may steal you fav shoes, but I usually return them.  

In other news, the "You tend to stand out more than you fit in" and "classy in your own kind of way" are so fitting its scary.

Is that all I am now? Rude? Rude and not ginger?

Well the not ginger part doesn't keep me up at night but I am starting to think age is making me care less about being rude.  But only when it is necessary!!!

Do you know how many times I had to stop myself from loud capping someone at the grocery yesterday?!?!?  Not because they were rude or whatever.  It was because they were COUGHING and SNOTTING all over the place!!!  I do not consider myself a germ-a-phobe but my skin crawls when someone does that and does NOT cover their mouth/nose. 

I was looking at a case of fresh made sushi.  Like the sushi chef had just put it down. This man was hovering next to me and went *AHHHH CHOOO*. . . all over the containers.  I, thankfully, had mine in my hand already but I just stared, gaping at him.  Then he wiped his nose with the back of his hand and leaned over to rummage through the case.  I swear he touched every single thing in there.  I was horrified!  I was so stunned I didn't even say bless you, I wanted to be like "ya nasty" but decided to just walk away. 

Later in the frozen food area a woman open mouth coughed INTO the freezer case while she was looking for something.  Like a deep chest rattling cough.  OMG! Nah, I didn't want frozen veggies, thanks. 

By the time I got to the dairy section I was very close to pulling my shirt over my mouth and nose but I didn't.  Oh I wish I had. 

Me: Lalala, oooooo cheese!!!
Man: *clearing throat repeatedly*
Me: Scoots over some, still looking at cheese
Man: *ah, ah , ah heeeeeeeem* 
Me: Turns to walk away
Man: turns his head to avoid coughing on the cheese.  Instead coughs in my face
Me: *internal screaming* I swear to god I can feel the germs invading my face
Man:  Pardon me *walks away*
Me: Twitching

I immediately dropped the cheese (on the floor) and lifted the hem of my shirt and started scrubbing my face.  I didn't care if anyone saw my not so sexy tummy.  I hand sanitized my face.  It burned...but it was a good burn.....ahhhhh burn so good. 

Then today while waiting in line the guy behind me had this personal space issue.  As in he had no idea what personal space was.  He was practically humping my @$$ and it was freaking me out.  I could feel his labored breath puffing on my neck!!!  Sorry but the only breaths I should feel like that better belong to my husband! I could envision the germs crawling in my hair *shudder*.

Lesson of the day!  Stop being disgusting.  COVER YOUR MOUTH/NOSE if you COUGH/SNEEZE!!!! I am seriously considering carrying around a can of lysol and spraying the next person who does this near me.  Would that be rude????

Ugh I need to go scald a layer of skin off.

This is why we can't have nice things

Or this is why we have so much fun...depends on how you look at it.

Going out to a nice restaurant is something an over 30 year old should be able to do without incident.  And for the most part that does happen.  But for some reason my husband and I turn into giggly 8 year olds sometimes and the results get us judge-y stares.  It doesn't help that we look very young. 

We were behaving quite normally at our most recent outing until the appetizer came out.  We are both fairly adventurous eaters. We will try most new things, especially seafood things.  So imagine how happy we were when we found out the special that night at this "fancy" place was barnacles.  Yea I said barnacles.  I have NEVER...NEVER EVER thought hey you know that algae covered thing on the bottom of a boat, yea lets eat it!  But our waitress seeing our confused looks quickly clarified that these are "gooseneck barnacles" and are from the pacific northwest area.  They grow on rocks that jut out into the ocean, not on the bottom of things in the harbor.  Okaaaaaaay, sure why not...anything sauteed in butter has got to be good, right???

Then they came out and that was it.  The maturity level at our table plummeted.  Thank GOD we waited until our waitress finished explaining how to eat them before dissolving into a fit of giggles.  True story, first thing I did was pick one up and say "*snicker, snicker* it looks like a *suppressed giggle* it looks like a tiny wrinkled deformed wee wee *snort* in a dragon scale!!!!!!!!!!!!".  I have quite an imagination.  But for reals, you have to see that they look a little, uh, questionable...

Seriously,

 could you....

  have kept...

 a straight face?!!??!

Come on man!

**NOTE** These are not my pics.  I had to internet search some because I didn't want to get more weird looks from the snoots at the restaurant by taking pics of my phallic looking food.

By the way you eat them kinda like a crawfish.  In the sense that you "pinch the hard tip" (like pinching the tail) and "pull gently on the meat with your teeth".  You would have lost it as well, don't lie, you have the same dirty mind I have! 

By the way, they were totally delicious!  A little weird at first but yummy none the less. 

This should have been the end of our adventure...nope!  We got our meal (also delicious) and on top of my amazing duck breast was some fried fat/skin.  Yea buddy, who don't love some cracklin.  But it was HUGE!!! I mean, waaaaaaay more than a mouthful so I had to cut it in half and then in half again.  Have you ever tried to cut a fried piece of fat/skin????  I was trying to be careful....adding a little more pressure with the knife, trying to be subtle.  When suddenly the knife slipped making a loud clattering noise and half my cracklin went shooting across the table.  "Doh!".  I said "*eep* uh, slippery little sucker", which got a giggle from my husband and an evil glare from the table next to us.  What?!?!  I'm just happy my hubs got the pretty woman reference, although he did steal the rogue piece of cracklin. 

Not everyone was giving us evil looks.  I think most thought we were an adorable couple but a few peeps were definitely looking down their noses at us.  Eh, whatever, at least we have fun!!!

It's like dealing with a 16 year old going through a breakup

Except said person is in fact a 50+ year old male and its a divorce.  I've witnessed many divorces unfortunately.  I've lived through my parents (I was VERY young) and sat by quietly as friends end their marriages.  I don't judge.  Sometimes, it just isn't going to work.  Sometimes it is the only option.  But it is NEVER okay to get ugly.  And 9 times out of 10 they are UGLY.  It is even worse when children are involved.

This one is no different.  There are lies and hurt and secrets and did I mention lies.  Divorce brings out your true colors or well brings the nastier ones to the surface.  It really does bring out the worst in people.  It is bad enough you "fell out of love" or whatever but why do you have to try to hurt each other more.  Why is it necessary to be mean just to make sure they aren't happier than you.  I am so different sometimes.  I've gone through bad breakups, one was very much like a marriage.  It had the potential to get REALLY ugly but somehow we didn't let it.  It wasn't unicorns pooping rainbows but we were mostly mindful of each others feelings. 

This is almost never how things work out.  What is hilarious to me is the person asking for the divorce seems to be the one that is usually so utterly mean.  The cheater or the one who sees greener grass or whatever, almost always is the one who gets so worked up and angry.  It's baffling, the only thing I can think of is it is their guilt bleeding through.  On some level they know whatever happened to make them want a divorce is their fault so they start lashing out.  What kills me is the one being attacked who has EVERY RIGHT to be angry and mean usually is just like "Okay, it's fine.  Whatever you want." They are so beat down and disappointed they don't have time to be an asshat.  Again not always the case but I've seen it more than not.

It also amazes me how different men and women are in a divorce.  While women do have a tendency to get VERY emotional, not all go Carrie Underwood on their ex's cars.  Just like not all men decide to sleep with everything that moves after they split up.  But I notice men do not seem to "heal" as fast.  While women many times end up with confidence problems, they have a support base (friends and family) that build it back up pretty quick but for men it is like their "pride" has been bruised so they act like dickwads to build it back up.  Newsflash not all women are deserving of your royal ass-ness so quit it.  And stop shaming your exes with the other divorced males in the vicinity of females.  One it is rude and two it is incredibly immature.  If you need to have a male bonding time make sure I can't hear you because now I want to nut punch you for being a twat booger.  Also blaring One less problem for all to hear is not helping us think you are "okay". We now think you are a bit emotionally distraught.   If you want to do that at home, more power to you but in public maybe tone it down a bit. 

I just find it hilarious how some revert back to teenage drama when breaking up.  Maybe I am  different and don't see the need to hurt someone who hurt me.  It may be painful but to me they have moved on, so why dwell on it longer than necessary.  It's their loss, right.  Plus I find the best "revenge" is to move on.  Nothing hurts more than knowing you f**ked up and now they are happy without you. 

My @$$ is going to get me in trouble one day

I've always had quite a butt.  Even when I was in high school and weighed like 80lbs (naturally, I wasn't sick or anything), I had this bubble butt thing going on.  It's not overly big, I am no Nicki Minaj but it is like *whabam*.  I have a fairly tiny frame for the most part (no where near 80 lbs anymore) but my @$$...good lord...it demands attention.  I am pretty sure if it could talk it would say "hey, hey you!  Yea, look at me, you know you want to, mmmmhmmmmm". 

Of course I don't try very hard to hide it, I like tights and skinny jeans, so sue me.  Well last night I went out to dinner, nothing fancy, and I wore fleece lined tights and an oversized boyfriend plaid shirt.  It covered by butt and then some so hush.  I thought nothing of the outfit, it was cute, comfy, and casual.  I got up to get a refill for my drink and noticed one of the cooks watching me.  The place was small and fairly empty so I  thought, "Eh, whatever".  I got my drink and headed back to my table.  Apparently I have a sashay when I walk.  Because I heard someone say VERY quietly "Oh yea, shake shake shake señora." I kind of slowed down and I am pretty sure my expression was  O.O.  Before I could turn around there was an *ahem* from the manager so I just kept walking.  

When I got home I was informed I needed to wear that outfit more often because "damn!"  Ahhhhh now that "shake shake shake señora" makes a little more sense.  I really wasn't trying to attract attention on purpose but apparently my @$$ had another agenda.

"I know it hurt, but he/she means well."

This is one of the stupidest justification for someones actions!  I've used this excuse before to justify the actions of ex-boyfriends, friends, family, co-workers, etc.  We all have.  It's the "they don't mean to be an asshole, that's just how they are" in a different form.  It is soooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooo lame!  This is not an excuse.  If you mean well then don't be a jerk!  You should know by the time you are in High School (if not way sooner) what the difference is between right and wrong.  You should be able to, on some level, know that some topics are off limits.  Or at least what the limits are.  No one is that oblivious to body language. Have some tact people!  Look we all say stupid things sometimes but I've noticed more people feel the need to voice their stupid all the time instead of occasionally.

Yes, I understand that some need to be treated harshly to get them back to reality but sometimes I want to slap people for being utterly insensitive.  You can be a supportive friend/family member/whatever and not come off as a complete douche nozzle.

Examples:
A)  You know someone trying to have babies who hasn't been successful.  Unless you know for a FACT, I'm talking 100% positive, that they will be comforted by religious shit (sorry but sometimes it is shit), I do not recommend sending them anything.  Because I can almost guarantee the "Don't worry God has a plan" email will make some struggling women lose their cool.  Yea you "mean well" but if they aren't outright asking for that kind of support you aren't helping. If anything you just created a blubbering mess that others (like their husbands or best friends) are going to have to mop up.  And don't give me the "they mean well crap".  If you mean well then be supportive, quit reminding them that God hasn't blessed them with a boo boo through electronic prayer.  That kind of comfort is a trigger, you don't need to pull it.  If you want to pray for them, then pray for them.  Prayers don't need an audience to be answered. 

B) You know someone trying to lose weight.  Stop, just effing stop.  If they do not bring up the subject, keep your pie hole shut.  Saying "you look great" is one thing, that's nice.  But doing the over the top "Oh my GOD, look at you!  You're like a totally different person." And then proceeding to bring it up to everyone you see in front of said person, saying "don't they look great, you must have lost so much weight!".  You aren't being nice...yea they may look great but you are calling attention to them by going overboard. It's embarrassing and makes everyone uncomfortable. 

B1) Also, unless said persons ask for weight loss advice or healthy eating advice don't give it.  If someone says "OMG, I need to work out" that is not an opening for you to say anything, unless it is "OMG me too" or "why?  You look fine to me *shrug*".  Now if they say, "hey I need to work out...have any suggestions?" Feel free, that is an opening. 

C)  "Have you thought of NOT dying your hair?  You know it causes damage. *picks up a piece with two fingers like it has the plague*" Um, have you thought of not being a twat booger?  What's it to you if someone does or does not dye their hair???  What does someone else's physical appearance have to do with your happiness?  Maybe dying their hair makes them feel better about themselves!  Why do YOU feel the need to make a big deal about it.  You don't mean well, you aren't looking out for their well being, you are being an asshat.  I don't care if they dyed their hair purple...it is their hair, bugger off!

D)  "You have to buy an SUV!  If you want kids you can't drive them around in a *gasp* car!!!!!  Do you want your baby to die???" What on Earth are you smoking???  That is mean, hurtful and just dumb.  Of course I don't want my nonexistent kids to die.  But my "little bitty" car has a better safety rating then your over sized gas guzzler.  The reason my car is "more dangerous" isn't because of my car at all.  It is because idiots like you who buy giant vehicles and don't know how to operate them, therefore putting the rest of us in danger.  I am not over extending myself because people like you don't know how to drive.  Shut up!  You don't mean well, you are an idiot.  If you want safer roads, start with yourself.  If you want an SUV, good on you, learn how to drive it.  My BFF has a ginormous SUV thing but I am cool with it because she knows how to drive it and park it!

Here is a bit of advice.  Everyone is entitled to an opinion but unless someone asks for it keep it to yourself.  Otherwise you are intentionally hurting someone.  There is no excuse for it, you are being hurtful just to be hurtful even if you try to justify it with "but I mean well".

NOTE: 

Obviously this does not apply to someone who is endangering themselves.  I guess for instance the hair dye comment is totally acceptable if it is causing physical harm to said person.  But as said before, there are better ways to bring it up.  Don't be an asshat!

Stop being attractive!

Okay, maybe don't stop completely.  But stop a little...or stop being charming.  You can't be both of those and crazy talented that just isn't fair. 

I am an adult, I should not have a celebrity crush but I so do.  It's stupid really but *argh* I want to vomit rainbows every time I see something about them.  Anyone else over the age of 13 have this problem?!?!  I feel like I am regressing to prepubescent times.  Ya know where you write "I love __(insert name of stupidly attractive famous person)___" on your paper bag text book cover and then draw a giant heart around it.  I mean I am not that ridiculous (I think he's hot I am NOT obsessive). 

What's also annoying is he is quite talented.  I've watched many things he's been in and most are decent. Even the horrible ones are watchable...or maybe I am being nice.  Who knows.  I feel like a weirdo though.  It's like "oh so and so is in __________.  Lets record it and watch it later because reasons."

Anyways,  I keep thinking this silly crush will pass and it totally doesn't.  Then I see people doing creepy things to said person (jfc some people are MENTAL!) and I am like "OMG being famous sucks!" Then I think "thank god I'm normal.  If I ever met so and so I'd probably just smile like and idiot and not be able to form a proper sentence." Weeeeeeeeeeell not really.  I've met famous persons before and while I was nervous, I was fairly normal and I have a feeling even if I met someone I thought was stupid attractive, I'd still be semi-normal.  Because well that's just me, I'm not big on making a scene or a fool of myself, so yea. 

Moving on, I read something recently about said person and an experience they had with fans...not sure if it was a recent experience or what but it was something.  Can I just say, people are seriously out of control.  He is MARRIED!  I mean happily married as far as anyone knows and she is adorable and people do these things and I cringe because I feel so bad for them.  And as badly as I would like to meet some celebrities, I just don't think I could stand being in a crowd that is that bat-shit crazy.  It's like some people cannot see the line between fantasy and reality.  Okay so you think their character and another character on whatever show/movie should be together.  Whatever that is fine but please understand they are NOT actually those characters.  They are a real person, with a real life, and a real family.  QUIT BEING UBER-CREEPY!  You are making all fans look like loonies.

So instead I will settle for checking Tumblr (stop laughing) and giggle at how silly it is to be a happily married adult and have a crush.   At least he is older than me.  It would be wrong on so many levels if I had a crush on someone younger and by younger I mean like early 20's.

Give me back Baby Jesus, you little b***h!

A sentence I never thought I would utter.  Also, a sentence that probably makes my neighbors think I am crazy.  Can you imagine walking down the sidewalk when you hear that yelled from inside your seemingly sweet little neighbors house?!?!?!

So what happened you may be wondering.  Weeeeeeeell you see we started decorating for Christmas, yay!  I inherited an old nativity scene from my grandma so I decided to display it under the tree.  Why I thought this was a good idea is beyond me. 

You know how people post pics of cats climbing trees/destroying Christmas?!?  Yea I have one of those cats.  She is called DEMON SPAWN and she is an @$$hole.  The first incident, before the ornaments were on the tree, I heard the sounds of something tumbling across the tile floor.  I saw her batting around baby Jesus.  "Oh come on cat!"  I said NO (she cowered) and I put him back in the nativity scene.  While I was sleeping that night I heard a loud crashing from the living room, "seriously?!?!" The tree was still standing but she has mowed down the entire nativity scene and baby Jesus was missing.  OMG!  I found him under the couch, put everything back together while glaring at her form across the room, and went back to bed. 

The next night I started putting ornaments on the tree.  She was intensely watching me from the back of the couch.  Every time I put something up, I looked at her and said No.  I decided I needed more pretty bulbs to replace the ones that broke last year when the tree fell over (pre demon spawn...clumsy dog) so I went to the store.  I came back to the wise men scattered and baby Jesus kidnapped *grrrrr*.  He was in a dog dish *face palm* ...I don't think a dog had anything to do with it, I am thinking this was a premeditated get the pups in trouble technique. 

Finally I finished making the tree looked pretty and began putting bells around the bottom of the tree.  I've done this for years because old lady cat used to knock ornaments off the tree.  The bells alerted me to her presence...she got sprayed with water and eventually the bells ringing became the deterrent.  This may or may not work with my little bundle of evil.  The whole time I was hanging bells I had an audience...under the tree.  She walked over to the nativity scene, I said NO and picked up the water bottle.  She looked at me, knocked the angel off the roof and took off running as I sprayed water after her, yelling "You little s**t!" Once I was done I went to take a shower.  When I came back to watch TV there were some bells on the floor and baby Jesus was again missing.  I couldn't find the damn cat.  Finally I spotted her running WITH baby Jesus in her mouth.  I screamed "give me back Baby Jesus, you little b***h!" And proceeded to chase her around the house with the spray bottle.  I caught her, she hissed, I said shut it, she went hide and I reassembled the bells and nativity.

The next morning when I woke up I found two ornaments were knocked off the tree but thankfully baby Jesus was still in his manger.  She was watching me from the back of the couch.  I said "Leave the tree ALONE!" She meowed really loudly.  I said "hey, don't talk back. I am serious." She meowed again and rolled over...falling off the couch.  She then looked at me and hissed.  "Oh for God's sake, cat.  Do not touch the tree!"

Later that morning I got a text from the husband "F*****g black cat is about to get tossed outside if I don't stop hearing bells!" Guess my little chat with her didn't work....*le sigh*.  I am 100% certain she knows she is being bad and 100% certain she does not care....she is an @$$hole!

You are a disgusting human being!

Ya know you think you know someone and then BAM they surprise you with something...some weird habit that is borderline UNFORGIVABLE!

I can deal with most bad habits.  I had roommates in college and spent time at boyfriend's houses back in the day...hell I lived with one a few years back (he had some strange habits).  So I've seen my fair share of "Ewwwww, don't...just ewwwwww!" moments.  Let me clarify that I am by no means perfect.  I have my own set of weird but my weird does not usually affect anyone but me.  Okay so sometimes I leave a tissue on the couch (in my "spot") or under MY pillow.  I pick it up...eventually.  Or I don't finish my bottled drinks.  As in, I'll have 5 bottles of coke/water/tea with about an inch left in the bottom in random places. 

Anyways, today I am thoroughly grossed out.  I mean, I can't...I can't even deal.  Sooooo the other night I was home alone.  I decided I wanted some wings and breadsticks.  Yes, an odd craving but this is me.  So I ordered me some Pizza Hut because they deliver and I was being quite lazy.  Once my food was delivered (25 minutes later than the estimated time *grrrrr*) I dug in while watching some DVR'd episodes of The Newsroom (I love that show!).  Did I mention they messed up my order but totally in my favor?  I ordered 8 wings and breadsticks.  I received 16 wings, waffle fries and breadsticks but was only charged for what I ordered...I think that makes up for it being a little late.

Moving on.  As I was enjoying my wings I apparently decided to breathe...while I had a mouthful of food.  I do not recommend doing this...it is a very bad idea.  So I started choking.  The food came out but I couldn't catch my breath because of the spice from the chicken.  So what do you naturally want...you want something to drink.  Or at least I do in this case.  So I grabbed the closest thing to me which happened to be a coke bottle from a previous day.  I assumed it was mine because there was about 2 inches left in the bottom (that is a me move).   It was flat (yay, no really yay, better for not choking more) so I took a huge swig. Then I immediately projectile vomited what I had eaten so far (thankfully into the plastic bag my food came in). 

You must be thinking, "what in the world could have made you do that?!?!  I mean it's just flat coke for god's sake."  No, no it wasn't just flat coke!!!!  After I calmed down I felt SOMETHING in my mouth.  Something kind of hard, almost like a small piece of plastic.  First thought, oh part of the coke bottle must have broken off, because you know that happens all the time.  In reality I was in denial.  You see it was FINGERNAILS!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!  *gagging just thinking about it*  There aren't enough exclamation points to illustrate my freakout.  Apparently my AMAZING spouse either clipped or bit off some nails recently and instead of getting up and throwing them in the trash can he put them in the almost empty coke bottle sitting on the coffee table.  If that wasn't bad enough, he then left said CONTAMINATED coke bottle on the table for his unsuspecting wife to accidentally drink.  His mother would be so proud!

Even though I yacked them up, I can still FEEL it in my esophagus.  I think its my brain being weird but what if one got stuck...OMG!  Can you imagine???  What if it got infected...  "hey man, how'd your wife get so sick?" "Oh she drank my fingernails." "Whaaaaaaat kind of weird shit do y'all get up to.........."

Lesson of the day, don't drink from bottles left on the table, even if you think they are yours.