**Take 3** Someone should video me doing yard work or house work. Not in a creepy way. I really think I could bring laughter to millions.

I am not one to shy away from #get$hitdone.  I will get dirty/icky if I need to.  I do manual labor when necessary.  I only truly fear one critter (bug who shall not be named).  People should learn from  me (not really, that could be bad).  Also, I act a fool in public...maybe I should have my own sitcom. 

Take 3:

"Hey Cletus, you gonna kill that snake or what?!?"

Me: Lalala *cleaning my house*
Hubs: *comes flying in like he's being chased* Lookout the window!!!!
Me: Huh...why, is there a fight or accident or something?!?
Hubs: *frantically looking out the window.* No I saw a HUGE snake!  I think it was poisonous...

Me:  And you are in here telling me why?!?!  Go get the damn shovel and kill it!
Hubs:  I'm not going back out there!
Me: *thinking* Are you f**king kidding me?!?  *I said* Fine, I'll kill it
Hubs: Nooooo!!!!!!!! I'll get it.
Me: *raised eyebrow* oooookaaaaay....
Hubs: *30 minutes later* All geared up and armed with a shovel and the tree branch trimmer, heads out to do battle.
Me: You know, it's probably LOOOOONG gone by now....
Hubs: *evil stare*
Me: *Watching him through the window* I should video this....

He was 8 feet away from the garden and randomly poking things with the tree trimmer.  While I am cautious with ANY snake (look you never know), I am not scared of them.  So I went out to assist.  I got yelled at for getting to close to the garden...I was at least 5 feet away *le sigh*.  Apparently I didn't understand how HUGE this thing was.  So I stood there and threw things in the garden to see if I could lure it out of hiding.  TWO hours later and we still can't find the damn thing.  I gave up and went back inside.  I said "go buy some snake away crap and be done with it."

Me: *waiting for hubs to get home* OMG I am starving!
Hubs: *an hour later* I found it!!!
Me: Is it dead?
Hubs: Well, no but I know where it is
Me: *internal screaming* Okaaaay...well lets go investigate

By this point the sun has set, so we are hunting this thing by flash light...he is in jeans and cowboy boots...I am in shorts and flip flops (look how many f**ks I give).  It is hiding in the drain pipe in my garden.  I can see it plain as day poking out. I crept closer to get a better look.

Hubs: DON'T GET TOO CLOSE!
Me:  JFC, I am a good 5 feet away, it can't reach me (famous last words, right, haha)
Hubs: *leans in to saw its head off*
Me: That's not going to...oh look it went back in the drain *sigh*

I finally got a good look at it.

Me:  OMG it is NOT poisonous! 
Hubs:  How do you know?!?
Me: (FYI he's a former Eagle Scout) Seriously?!?!  Look at it. 1) it has a round head 2) its eyes are black and round 3) it is 100% not aggressive
Hubs: I dunno, I saw its tail...it looked venomous
Me: Fine, what's your plan?
*crickets*
*jeopardy theme playing*
*silence*
Me: Soooooo?
Hubs: We lure it out
Me:  It's not a f**king cat!  It won't come out for promises of food or cuddles!
Hubs: You have a better plan?
Me: Yes, we stick something in the pipe and make it come out.
Hubs: From the back?!?!
(The back is in the garden behind bushes)
Me: Well that would be ideal but I am not going back there *gestures are miniscule clothing*
Hubs: I am not going back there
Me: Fine, I'll push the pole in from the front and you wait at the edge and kill it when it backs out
Hubs: Okay...be careful
Me: *thinking* really, I have a 6ft pole... YOU be careful

So I shove the pole in and hubs literally stands there and goes "its coming out!!!"  Then he THROWS the shovel like a f**king javelin, misses by who knows how much and our little friend escapes into the underbrush.

Me: Really...really?!?!  That is how you planned to kill it?!?!  *mumbling* I knew I should have been the one over there *developing headache from lack of food*

I walked over to the garden to retrieve the shovel (I got fussed at again but I really didn't care anymore or think that thing stuck around).  "Okay, you go spread the snake away crap, I am going to go do...something...."

I googled what I saw "gray/brown, snake, white belly, round head, Louisiana".  I was given a few likely candidates a "Racer", "Texas Rat Snake" or "Yellow Bellied Water Snake" all nonvenomous, constrictor types, that feed off of RODENTS and bugs. I kinda want to keep it now...maybe it'll help with the issues from next door...

Racer (pic)

Texas Rat Snake (pic)

Yellow Bellied Water Snake (pic)

So yea, next time there is a snake, I will handle it.  Caution is one thing but if it WAS poisonous we need to kill it.  I hate doing that but I can't risk having another animal, one of us, or a neighborhood kid getting bit.  Losing track of something that dangerous is NOT an option.