Its supposed to be 100% horribly wrong, politically incorrect, your ticket to hell...that is the POINT!

Alright, so over the various holidays we've played CAH (Cards Against Humanity) with a few different groups.  And I have to say with 100% certainty it is WASTED on some people.  If a card asks you "Something you do not want to find in your chicken lo mein" and your answers are pork chops (why?!?), menstrual blood, the remains of aborted fetus', pasta with meatballs (seriously WTF?!?!), Bill Clinton playing the saxophone naked (funny-ish), a piano playing Mozart (are you even trying?!?), fingernails.  What would you pick???

While I agree you probably don't want to find any of those in your chicken lo mein, the POINT of CAH is to pick the funniest, most off the wall one. Why would you pick pork chops?!?!?!  Why would someone play pork chops?!?!?!   That isn't funny.  I would have gone with "menstrual blood" or "the remains of aborted fetus'".  I know its up to the person who picked the black card but come on...work with us here.  And yes, I know sometimes you get a $hit set of white cards but TRY. 

Another one was "why can't I sleep at night", I don't remember all the white cards exactly but ... Date Rape, sparkledogs, black people, something about the degradation of the white race, Incest, something about Pac-man, and cum, or The primal ball slapping sex your parents are having right now.  They picked SPARKLEDOGS.  Are you f**king kidding me?!?!!?  There are so many better options!!!!

The ENTIRE game was like that on separate occasions with different groups.  It was like they were SCARED to be offensive.  It is supposed to be OFFENSIVE!!!!  Apparently I don't know many "horrible people".  So everyone got "bored". Of course you got bored.  You have to at least ATTEMPT to make it WRONG.  The game is only as funny/fun as the people playing. 

I tried so hard.  I played the most awful/disgusting/disturbing white cards I could.  Of course I didn't have a "good one" every time but I did try and my card was only ever picked by one of the two or three other players who CLEARLY understood the point was to be WRONG.  Thank God for Menstrual Rage (yay I won one!!!), now filed under things I never thought I would say. 

Santa is not a Demon. You people have gone too far. Stop ruining Christmas with your nonsense!

Look I am all about freedom of religion, belief, choice, opinion, whatever but do NOT ruin something for everyone...especially kids...because YOU suddenly feel like everything that doesn't directly says "Jesus Christ" is satanic.

I saw something on Social Media that made me want to go on a spree.  Still undecided if it was a murdering spree or running spree...but it was one of them.  I saw this:

"Santa's a Demon! The uncomfortable truth about Christmas"

I saw the article linked to a "friend's" page along with the statement that said "This is why I told my child that Santa, the Easter bunny, etc. isn't real and we celebrate Jesus Christ in my house!"

Okay fine.  That's fine.  No.It.Isn't!!!  Your child is 7.  Why would you take this away from your baby?!?!?!  He is being raised catholic/christian.   All of his cousins and classmates Believe in Santa.  Why would you ruin the magic of Christmas like this?!?!?!  Not to mention, if he goes to school or to his cousin's house and regurgitates that, how do you think those parents will feel?  How do you think those kids will feel?  I can tell you right now if your extremest uneducated skewed religious bull$hit spoiled the magic of Christmas for one of MY littles, you better run because I can't be held responsible for my actions.  And you better run fast because I've been training and I am pretty quick. 

Why can't you teach him that Christmas is about Jesus and still let him enjoy the magic?  I grew up believing in Santa and I didn't turn into a "devil worshiper".  This is the stupidest thing I have ever read in my life.  This takes the cake on extreme religion.  I am sorry you are "scared of Santa" but come on.  Do you even know the origin story????  Do you?  Because based on this fear mongering article you shared you do not! And just because Santa and Satan are spelled similarly doesn't mean anything!!!!

Read this.  Yea yea, I know History Channel isn't law but they do a pretty good job when it comes to research...usually.  It is widely believed that Santa Claus is based off of St. Nicholas (a real person). "The name Santa Claus evolved from Nick’s Dutch nickname, Sinter Klaas, a shortened form of Sint Nikolaas (Dutch for Saint Nicholas)." What the f**k is Satanic about that?!?!?!

12/25 is a pagan holiday, therefore Santa is a pagan god.  Hey, again...know your history.  Yes 12/25 is originally a "pagan holiday".  It is the final day for the celebration of the Winter Solstice.  A holiday that was literally hijacked by Christians.  So while you are correct, Jesus was probably born in the Spring, our religious forefathers more than likely decided that it was a time when people already celebrated things so why not use it as Jesus' birthday.  The celebration of Saint Nicholas is 12/6 or 12/19 depending on where you are from...so I guess they kind of morphed together for some of us.  At least that is my understanding. 

Krampus isn't the underlying "demon" hiding behind Santa or Santa Claus' alter-ego, making Santa "evil".  Do you even know how to Google?!?  Or go the f**king library.  "Krampus is believed to be a beastial creature who accompanies St. Nicholas on his earthly journey. While St. Nicholas rewards the good children with gifts and sweets, Krampus dispenses punishment to the wicked children who have strayed from the path of good. It is said he takes care of St. Nick's "naughty list"."  Krampus was created to scare the $hit out of naughty kids just like the legend of Santa has morphed into a figure to reward "nice" kids...so they'd behave!  If anything Krampus makes Santa appear even more Saintly.   And lets be real, you only know about Krampus because of that crazy movie that just came out.  Almost no one here in the states knew what that thing was before so just stop.

This isn't a f**king witch eating a baby in some sort of demon worship!!!!

Link to original pic

This is Grýla.  Grýla is a mythical giantess living in the mountains of Iceland. Most of the stories told about Grýla were to frighten bad children.

My point is there isn't anything Satanic about Santa, Krampus, or Grýla.  These are stories to scare little kids into behaving.  There is nothing pagan about December 25th or Santa.  Unless you are a pagan and are celebrating the Winter Solstice, it's f**king Christmas!  Why do people have to ruin Christmas with their ignorant bull$hit!

Side Note - does that mean that little Johnny doesn't get gifts for Christmas because that is part of the "pagan" tradition? Or are you going to say the gifts represent the gifts from the Magi?  Because if that's the case you should wait until 1/6 (Three King's Day or the Epiphany).  I'm not trying to be an @$$hole...wait, this time I am.  People make me STABBY!!!!!

Oh and while we are at it Xmas (yes I know its a Wiki link but it makes sense) does not mean we are removing "Christ" from Christmas .  It is a shortened version of the word, not meant to be disrespectful. It was happening LOOOOONG before some crackhead in recent history decided to get pissy about it.  I can't put it any better than this response to someone who was butthurt by the word "Xmas": " 'X' is the Greek letter "Chi" which is the first letter of "Christos". You should probably be aware that the fish that's almost certainly on the back of your car "ΙΧΘΥΣ" is an acronym for "Ίησοῦς Χριστός, Θεοῦ Υἱός, Σωτήρ", which translated means "Jesus Christ, Son of God, Saviour" so the use of "X" in "Xmas" actually doesn't violate your sensitive beliefs" ~ Chris Hardwick.  Meaning, if people write xmas, they aren't being jerks.  If you want to write out Christmas go 'head.

My point is stop trying to make something out of nothing.  Stop trying to find evil in innocent things.  Stop being an @$$hole!  If you don't like the commercialism of Santa, fine...but don't ruin it for everyone else.  Be respectful of others just like you DEMAND them to be respectful of you.

Laughing so hard you pittle a bit

Okay so apparently this has been around since 2009 but I've never seen it.  I laughed so hard my co-workers seem to think I was having some sort of attack.  Seriously, either I am already drunk just THINKING about our Christmas lunch or this is some funny @$$ $hit! What kind of weirdo sense of humor do I have that YouTube decided that THIS would be a perfect "suggested" video?!?!? Good doG, I'll never be about to look at 10 the same way again...

Are you f**king kidding me!?!?!?

I can't embed the video because the user disabled that feature BUT the link is above.  If you've seen it before...sorry but I hadn't so I am sharing. 

It is synced perfectly.  I mean if I didn't know any better I would think he is in fact doing that...in his pants.

I can't even right now *snort*

I can't decide if he's laughing...crying...or uh a, should be a part of the video...HA!

This is how it happens. This is how Skynet takes over!

I need a degree in Computer Engineering to use a treadmill....and no I am not an anti-tech person.  But I haven't had a Gym membership in over a year.  I just signed up again and I don't understand how to use the new equipment.  Its WAY more techy than the $hit I am used to. 

It can't be that hard...right?!?  Wrong!  I feel like a super goob trying to use the f**king treadmill!  Its a TREADMILL for doGs sake!!!  So we have a touchscreen thingy to control it but we also have buttons by the handles.  There is a TV on it above the touch screen that you can control...with a remote...or maybe with the touch screen.  There are 5 wires sticking out of it that kind of remind me of the charging wires for my phone so I am thinking you can connect it.  But it also says Bluetooth.  Whatever shall I do!?!?!? In order to get a "lesson" from a trainer I have to schedule an appointment BEFORE 5PM...I get off at 4:30...FML!!!

I just want to run on a f**king treadmill and track my calories/miles/speed.  While listening to music via Pandora via the "FREE" WiFi.  Is that too much to f**king ask for?!?!?  And by Free WiFi I mean WiFi that works.  Not WiFi that kind of works, then cuts out, then cuts back...then disappears, then comes back again.  There were literally 5 people in the ENTIRE GYM including me and the employees.  Why was it being such an @$$hole?!?!?

Side note - my resting temp on average is 97.2 degrees.  When I am in A/C (like in a gym) my hands feel like bony icicles of death, even when I am working out!  It is like all the blood drains from my extremities or something.  This means that touch screens are NOT my friends!!! STG I have to put my hands in my armpits to warm them up enough for the f**king touch screen to realize I am in fact alive.  Which looks like I am doing some weird running impression of Mary Katherine Gallagher ...and no I do not smell them after. 

Moving on.  It took me 15 minutes to figure out how to program a workout.  I didn't connect my phone because I wasn't sure.  I pressed start...it went immediately to 7mph.  I am 5'1"...my little legs don't really go that fast!

Then it told me I had done 1 minute (only a minute?!?!? that felt like a f**king eternity!) and had 2,497 minutes left in my workout...

That would be running for 41.6 HOURS.  Do I look like Forest Gump!?!?!  I think I did something wrong...whatever I did 45 minutes and pressed the cool down BUTTON.  I tried to find a "how to use a lifefitness treadmill" tutorial online but I got nothing.  So I will go back to the gym tonight and attempt to figure this f**ker out again. 

Maybe I should stick to the classes...

 

I immediately regret my decision to Google that...AGAIN

Okay so we all know I binge watched Jessica Jones, right?  Right.  Anyways, if you read my random ramblings here you will see there is a statement that piqued my curiosity. 

Everyone's favorite love to hate psychopath said something...which I could only assume is British...or would it be English...whatever its one of those...slang. My thoughts were "He called her an anal crumpet....is that a weird sex thing?  Or an interesting insult... ewwww". 

So I told my husband this and he's been randomly parroting it around the house because he is FIVE...but at some point he changed it to @$$ Crumpet...then he randomly Googled it last night because he wanted to know what it meant ... and now I am SCARRED FOR LIFE!

Urban Dictionary:
A crunchy ring of residue built up around the anus. The result of poor @ss wiping.

In case you didn't know Urban Dictionary is always 100% accurate and true *sarcasm* but regardless I need a memory wipe that doesn't, uh, leave any residue.  

FYI the "definition" for the original term is (Urban Dictionary):
The anal crumpet is an individual whose morals have collapsed into the rectum and much like hemorrhoids, they are painful to be around. This is an individual who is despicable and irrefutably nasty and has a history of being a player or attempting to be a player. The anal crumpet has no morals or is morally ambiguous, making them extremely unattractive or otherwise creepy.

I've been laughing hysterically because that is basically the description of Kilgrave, which if this is a true "definition", I am assuming is what the writers were trying to convey.  But since I didn't know the slang (clearly meant to be an insult)...I was confused.  And because I was scared of actually Googling that term...I didn't Google it.  I mean how do you explain THAT in your web search history without sounding like a perv?!?!  So I let my husband do it *muahahaha*.

Doth my eyes deceive me?

Yes!  Yes they do!!!  I don't understand.  I am in my 30's, I was in dance and theater...I know how to put on makeup.  I know how to make my eyes "pop" and whatnot.  So why does the camera not capture it!?!?!?! 

Does anyone else have this issue???  I am not talking about heavy liner/going out type looks.  I am talking about the subtle but noticeable accenting of your eyes.  Where you are enhancing your looks but without looking like you were attacked by a sharpie. 

I hate when I finish my makeup and I am like, "Ooooo yea, that looks good".  Then I see pics on my phone and I am like "where the f**k did my eyebrows go?!?!" I go to the ladies room to "touch up" and in the mirror my eyes are like *bam*. Dafuq?!?!?  

Seriously though...how do I see this in the mirror:

And this in pics:

What sorcery is this?!?!?! I even lost the shading of my iris.  Am I a zombie?  A vampire?  What is happening?!?!?!  Do I have some sort of weird skewed way of seeing my reflection?  I hate to cake on MORE makeup just for pics.  I take that back, its not ALL pics.  Its pics on cell phones!  Professional photos or pics on my "fancy" camera look way better.  And I don't have a $hit phone.  I have an iPhone 6 and my friend has a brand new Galaxy...WTF man?!!?!?

**Note** - Yes I did draw those...don't laugh...they were quickie sketches done at my desk to illustrate a point. 

This is from The Onion, right? Surely, America isn't really THIS uneducated...?

So I saw this:

My initial thought was "Ohhhh, someone at IFLS is getting in trouble....they done posted an Onion Article as fact".  And then I read the IFLS Article and the REAL NEWS ARTICLE and I face palmed so hard people are gonna think my husband beats me. 

In a town on North Carolina, a council REJECTED a new Solar Farm...mind you they have other solar farms already in use from what I gather...below were some of the arguments against it.  Its not direct quotes but the main ideas came from article linked at the bottom...

- A retired science teacher is concerned that photosynthesis would not happen and would keep the vegetation from growing. She said she has observed areas near solar panels where vegetation is brown and dead because it did not receive enough sunlight.

- She also questioned the high number of cancer deaths in the area, saying no one could tell her that solar panels didn’t cause cancer.

 

- You’re killing your town, All the young people are going to move out.

- The solar farms would suck up all the energy from the sun and businesses would not come to Woodland.

How can people actually believe anything of that nature?!?!?  This isn't the dark ages...do they not know how basic science works???  Okay, I get being unaware...MAYBE...but it is 2015 at least RESEARCH before you spew this nonsense.  We aren't depleting an energy source, we are using something that we already have in a different way.   Harnessing the "power" of the Sun will not make the sun go out!!!  Solar panels don't "steal sunlight" from plants and kill them, that is silly (science teacher my left ovary).  Solar panels don't cause cancer.  Prolonged exposure to the sun causes cancer...solar panels don't pull in more "rays" to the area.  So unless you are sitting inside the solar panel farm,  on top of a f**king solar panel (I don't recommend this...as someone said...you would fry before the cancer got you), you aren't getting increased exposure. 

Another commentor said "Pretty sure the young people aren't moving away from Woodland because of the solar farms. I'm pretty sure they are moving away from that town because the folk who inhabit it are missing a few chromosomes." (agreed) 

IFLS Article
News Article
Facebook Post

A TV Show broke me - Send help...preferably hot firefighters...oh and wine...

I reviewed the season finale you know Hell Bent...at that other place....  So if you want to read that hot mess of a blog post feel free.  I think I am still processing what happened.  Oh and its full of SPOILERS so you have been warned.  Why am I here? 

Well because someone posted the below and I think I died all over again.  Clara & The Doctor broke me.

LINK in case the embed thing messes up again.

Okay, I know I say shows make me cry sometimes.  And they really do.  But only a few episodes from New Who have turned me into a complete blubbering mess. Vincent & The Doctor, Doomsday, The End of Time: Part Two.  There are others that made me sad but these made my husband look at me with concern.  My original viewing of Hell Bent made me sad.  It did.  I teared up.  But since my DVR cut off at the end I wasn't a mess so to say.  The above video absolutely wrecked me and now I don't think I could watch Hell Bent again without losing it.  Stupid TV Show making me emotional. 

Please enjoy while I rock in the corner with my blankie. 

My tree tried to be a ballerina & failed OR Cats are @$$holes....take your pick

So the other day before we left Demon Spawn showed a sudden interest in the Tree.  You know how you know a cat is interested in something?  Their eyes dilate so much they are basically black (one reason for the nickname Demon Spawn) and they do this weird crouching tiger wiggle butt thing.

So she was doing that on the back of the couch while looking at my Tree.  "No!!! Bad kitty!!!  Do NOT even think about it! I will hurt you". She said "Meow" and walked away.  I took that as an understood "Don't touch the f**king tree".

Remember how the Tree is anchored to the wall?  Yea well apparently when dealing with @$$hole felines you need TWO anchors.  We got home to a toppled over tree, a handful of broken ornaments and cats no where to be found.  It had done a 45 degree spin (I think that's right), moved about 2 feet (our anchor must not have been taut), and landed against the couch (I think this saved most of my ornaments).

Tree down, tree down!!!

Once we got the tree back upright we noticed something odd.  I mean besides all of the ornaments being off the damn tree....how'd it do that?!??!  When adjusting the tree there was a perfect hole in the side that was facing the couch.  A perfect cat sized hole.  A hole that was just below chest level on me....perfect height for an old cat to jump.  Then we noticed another hole about a foot higher.  This one was smaller but still cat sized, hmmmmm.

Conclusion one of the cats jumped from the couch and landed in the tree.  The other cat saw their sister in there and decided to join her.  The momentum of the 2nd cat hitting the Tree plus the combined weight of two cats on one side of the tree caused it to spin, moving the tree two feet before it went off balance and fell over causing The Great Tree Fall of 2015.  There are now TWO anchors holding the tree up.  If I get home later and it fell again, I'm gonna murder some cats.

How I envision the Cat-astrophe going down (based on the evidence):
Old lady: Hmmm I haven't climbed the Christmas Tree in years...
Demon Spawn: Heeeeeey I wanna play
Old Lady: No...bad idea.  Go away
Demon Spawn: *butt wiggle* I'ma goin'
Old Lady: *hisssss* this will not end well
Demon Spawn: *Leaps off the couch* Ha! 
Old Lady: Hey, I can do that too!!! *leaps into tree* Well that wasn't so bad....
Demon Spawn: See, its fi.....f**k f**k f**k Ahhhhhhh
Tree: *pirouetting* 
Old Lady: Dammit I can't believe I let you talk me into this *jumps gracefully onto the couch*
Demon Spawn: *spazzes out* *tries to climb higher* *fails* *falls chaotically onto the couch*
Tree: I'ma fall now
Both: F**k we are so dead
Dogs: WTF is going on in there?!?!?!?!
Both: Nothing....
Dogs: Can't blame it on us this time

 

Its not like its a mechanical tree tornado, hell bent on killing us...or is it?

So last year we had the saga of Demon Spawn stealing baby Jesus.  This year we have the tale of Speedy protecting me from a tree. 

I personally purchased and decorated the tree...it didn't just suspiciously show up at the door looking pretty. But apparently "trees don't belong inside" is ingrained in Speedy and he is losing his ever loving mind.

I was worried he might pee on it.  Nope he thinks it has murderous intentions.  But since he is part boxer he is 100% goober and its kind of hilarious. 

So we put the tree up to "fall" before we decorated it.  This in and of itself was threatening. 

Speedy:  I don't know who you are or where you came from but I will murder you
Tree: Subtly leans a little to the left
Speedy: OMG its gonna eat me *runs down the hall peeing*
Me: *face palm* God help me.....

Later that evening:
Me: *putting water in the tree stand*
Speedy: Mom.....moooooom!!! Get away from it!!! *growl, growl* 
Me: OMG dog, its just water splashing
Speedy: *nipping at the lower branches* *bark* Run mom, I'll save you!!!
Me: *rolling eyes*

The next day:
Me: *Putting lights around the tree with the hubs* 
Speedy: *tries biting the light strand*
Me: NO!
Speedy: *bark, bark* *growl* *charges tree* Yea, yea you're scared now, aren't ya!!!! *starts to walk away all cocky like*
Tree: Moves because I am touching it
Speedy:  You're on your own woman!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! *runs into his kennel*
Me: Wow....

Me: *putting pearl strands on the tree* Lalalalala
Speedy: *grabs the pearls and runs* I shall feast on the entrails of my sworn enemy
Me: Ahhhhhhh! No! Bad Dog!
Speedy: *sad face* I just trying to help...MURDER IT!
Tree: Starts to fall over onto me (for some reason the stump is REALLY soft and not holding well)
Speedy: *bark bark bark* Mom, move! MOOOOM!!! *tugging on my leg* *growl* OMG it ate her!  Convict! Convict why aren't you freaking out?!??!
Convict: *yawn* I'm sleeping, go away!
Me: If you nip my leg one more time I am going to murder you!


This Morning:
Speedy: Oh.My.GOOOOOOOD! It has grown balls!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! How come I can't do that!??!?!  *cautiously sniffing ornaments*
Me: Leave it alone dog
Speedy: But mooooooom...Moooooom...LOOK!  It has things I can eat on it!!! *tries to nibble an icicle*
Me: I swear to God dog...if you touch that tree again, I will tan your hide
Speedy: *boops a large white glittery ball with his nose* 
Tree: Drops the ornament onto the rug
Me: *whew*
Speedy: Ahhhhhhh its trying to attack me!!!! Mom run I got this!!!! *growl* *bark bark* *bouncing around from side to side nipping at the tree*
Me: Nooooooooooooooooooooo!  Stop...bad dog...OMG!
Tree: I'm gonna fall over now
Me: Ahhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhh! *jumps over the couch to catch it*
Hubs: WTF is going on in here? *sees me holding the tree up with no gloves* *sees speedy in attack mode* *blinks* Its too early for this crap....
Me: Um a little help please...
Speedy: Die mother f**ker!!!!!!!

So we used fishing line to anchor the tree to the wall.  All is well at the moment...but Speedy still doesn't trust it.  Maybe he knows something we don't...that its a murderous tree sent by Mechanical Santa's to kill us all....too bad I don't have a Doctor to save us...doh!

Someone help me...I've been attacked by a flock of overly excited fairies

No but really...this is serious people!  You see I decided that for this race I am doing soon I am wearing a Tutu.  Because HELLOOOO TUTU!  And also because its a "fun run" for Christmas.  So I bought ribbon and tulle...its really not hard to make a freaking tutu and it cost a whopping $15.

My first mistake...I was on the phone when I bought the spools of tulle (hehehe).  Meaning I wasn't 100% focused on the task and missed a key word.  Look, I saw SPARKLES...I can't help but be drawn to the sparkles.  "Ooooo shiny" is my catch phrase or something.  I thought it was that crinkly metallic ribbon stuff woven in the tulle. I was so WRONG!  When I got home and opened the tulle I was immediately assaulted by an explosion of glitter.

WTF?!?!?!  And since I had now OPENED it...I couldn't return it...son of a b**ch!  So as I sat on my COUCH covered in Red, Green and Iridescent sparkles, I wondered how my life had come to this.   Rather than dwell on my mistakes I started making my Tutu.  Surely its just that loose stuff when you first open it...RIGHT?!!?!?  Nope *sobbing*.

But what am I going to do?  I am not buying MORE tulle...I am going to use what I have purchased DAMMIT!  So every cut...every loop...every knot I had more and more glitter blanketing my living room.  At one point I sneezed...

doG f**king dammit!

I was so focused on my tutu making that I was unaware of Speedy sitting below me on the floor.  He was LOVING the glitter.

WTF dog?!?!  He looked like he crawled out of Tinkerbell's @$$hole.  Great...  I finished the Tutu, YAY!  But how am I going to transport this to my race?  I am NOT putting it in my car...maybe in a bag in the trunk.  But I'm going to be running in this....CRAP!

All I can envision is me leaving a trail of Red, Green and Iridescent sparkles as I jog my way through the course. F**k it!  I am going to embrace my sparkles. 

Just call me Tink.

And everyone behind me will be like...

...Sorry 'bout ya.

Whatever...

and possibly beaten by a mob of angry runners

Anyways, I attempted to clean my living room, couch and dog...oh and cats...and me....GOD IT WAS EVERYWHERE!!!  Vacuuming repeatedly didn't get it all.  I went shopping two days later and the clerk was like "ma'am you have glitter in your hair." *thinking* "What?  I've showered at least twice..." *said* "ahhhhhhhhhhh it really is the herpes of the craft world!"  As I shook my hair like a crazy person.  This got me some strange stares from other store patrons.  Side note....it has also made it's way into my bedroom *waaaaaahhhhhh*

It has been 4 days...FOUR DAYS...and there is still glitter.  Why is this happening to me?  I think it is reproducing. In conclusion...I love sparkly, shiny things but I hate glitter...unless its like this...

Who am I kidding?!?! I'd hate this....that $hit gets EVERYWHERE!!!  Hose yourself off...then we'll talk.

 

It is still called abuse or bullying even if its by an older family member (your elder) even if you are an adult...right?

Its amazing I turned out half way sane.  I think my background in Psychology along with my common sense and mostly logical way of thinking has helped to heal most of the wounds but they can still be ripped open and it really freaking sucks. I am over 30, why is this happening???

Don't get me wrong I love my family dearly but I have a family member (or a few) that makes me remember why I left in the first place.  I didn't go far but I got away.  Had I not, I would not be in a good place.  And honestly I was scared to death to leave.  They did that to me.  I was 18 years old trying to figure out what to do with my life and they made me think that growing into a strong independent woman was a bad thing.  And I almost believed it.  I let them control me for so long.  It was almost as if I wasn't supposed to be me.  I now have the ability to think on my own.  They can't "brainwash" me anymore and that makes them angry.  There is no reasoning with them.  I don't know what else I can do. 

I am going to post a conversation below (actually two conversations that happened 3 weeks apart).  Its mean and it took all of my self control to be the bigger person for the most part (I failed a bit at that...I am human and I was getting really annoyed).  You don't have to read it...this is more for my mental release than anything but it will give you a glimpse into why I am the way I am.  Also...its really long so feel free to skip to the conclusion at the end. 

THREE WEEKS AGO:
Them: Did your bastard dad talk to you  about these papers ?
Me: Ummmmm what?
Them: Well assumed he didn't. They all are a lieing scrum if the earth. Your dad called me about why I did not sign papers. He was very bossy & pushy about it. Did not believe me when I told him bitch sec did not have them. I called you and told you what happened and that she did not know anything about it. She was supposed to call me back but never did. Now I am busy I have things going on and your dad seems to think I have all the time in the world and if i am doing something just drop what I am doing. This is what u had to live with when I was married to the ass. Him and his boss face family and I still can't get away from it. 

(I DIDN'T REPLY)

Them: Do have his number.
Me: ....I have his office number ***-****
Them: That is was I need. I will find out what happened.
Them: Home now!!! No one answered phone. Thought I share since your are more concerned about them being upset  then they up setting me. Thank you for number.
Me: I don't know what on earth you are mad at me for but I was at work and I wasn't involved in any of that bs.  I only said anything the two times dad called me. 
Them: Yes but you do remember me telling you about ____ & _____?
Me: I never talked to dad about it again after you told me that.  So yea I do but it was never brought up. 
Them: Ok NOLA Gurl!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
Me: Again why are you mad at me.  I didn't not have the paper work, I didn't make it rain the one time you were ready to go and I don't control my dad or my uncle.  This has been lingering for a months....I don't really know how it's my fault
Them: You see you don't remember!!!!! She did not know about the papers and they  were not drawn up. She had to talk to him and call me back. I am not mad at you but Ian tired of being treated with disrespect and talked to like a dog from your dad. I wish I would have seen what people were telling and called off that wedding. She never called back so your dad is mad calls me up and talks to me like he is God! I am tired of getting blamed for the divorce and all there lies and poor sob stories on how innocent they are. If only I would have listened & not so ni eve.
Me: Well as wonderful as that revelation is it kind of makes the product of your loveless mistake of a marriage feel a little like crap, so yea thanks for that.  Sorry you feel that way but unfortunately it did happen and you can't change it.  I don't know how he speaks to you but I know he can be sarcastic at times but you need to not take him so seriously.  He called to find out why it wasn't done.  It's been months.  He isn't trying to swindle you into anything he is trying to remove the liability of the house from his name and and give you full control of it as should have been done a long time ago.  And yes I do remember but I haven't talked to dad about it in months so I never relayed that situation about the paperwork. 
Them: Well sorry you feel that way but on my end it was not loveless but a with your dad his love was not strong just wanted to have a good time with no ties. Now you know. That is why people knew I was going to be hurt just move on and heal. He didn't want any responsibility taking care of a family. I am sorry you feel the way you do and can't do anything about that you are a big girl so do and think what you want.
Me:  I have no idea what is happening.  I don't feel any way.  You are the one spewing regrets at me.  Regrets that if changed would involve me no longer existing so yea it's a tad insulting.  I think you need to calm down because if you go back and read this conversation you may realize how angry it is towards me...you know the one who didn't do anything.  Sorry you think dads an ass.  Don't know how to changed that.  But after this is signed you don't really have to deal with him again so that's a plus...right.
Them: Yes it is I think! I thought no more him after divorce and here we are almost 30 yrs later. What ever the answer is yes!

What the actual f**k happened?!?!?!  I tried to stay out of it but I was asked to find out what was going on because someone was avoiding phone calls...AGAIN.

THIS WEEK:
Me: Soooo I'm not trying to annoy you or piss you off or "take sides" but you really should go sign that paper when you get a free moment.......
Them: What the hell are you talking about!
Me: Right so getting mad, my kindness didn't work.  Okay.... I didn't know if you had had time to sign the paper...dad mentioned it in passing last night.....
Them: You already made up your mine about taking sides. They have you so up against your mother and grandparents . You used to take up for us now we just get thrown under the bus like trash. You saw your demon dad last night or he called you?
Me: Okay.....  He called about thanksgiving.  Told me he saw uncle on his bday and mentioned the paper. 
Them: Ok so when was his birthday? (HOW IS THAT RELEVANT????)
Me: Wednesday....
Them:  Oh ok so you what did your dad tell you last night and why is he so much in a rush? Did (someone else who isn't relevant) sign his for (another person not relevant to this conversation)? I don't get the big rush!!!!!!!! It's been almost 30 yrs he walked out on his family and hung on to the house. He had 30 yrs to do this 😕.
Me: I don't know what you are trying to get me to say.  And yes...it is 100% in her name since before I was in High school I think. 
Why would you still want his name on it? It's the same as when I was trying to get my ex off of mine bc I didn't want him to still be able to get money from a house I'd been paying on.   And he ended up getting money off of my tragedy bc I couldn't get him to sign the damn thing. 
I don't know what really brought it about , he probably looked at his portfolio or something and realized it was never taken care of. 
Them: I am not trying to make you say anything just trying to make you see how they are. I will say again he had almost 30 yrs to do this but did not. Now you told me when this first started that (person not relevant) was having a hard time with (other person not relevant to this conversation) signing the papers. Not She had it done in the 90's. You have told me so many stories about things that were not true I don't when your telling the real story. You have no respect for me or my family. I am tired of you stepping on me and saying things about us that is not true. You have gotten too high & mighty for me. I never raised that way. I was poor and still poor and you are embarrassed of me. I am sorry you feel this way. (other people not relevant to this conversation) help me out and that is what keeping going. You go on being with the people that have money you seem to like it but I don't and never will that is why I stuggled to make sure you got your education and social life so you would not have that I will never see in this life time.

That last one is 100% delusional.  I don't know where it came from.  I just stopped responding.  All I did was ask about a piece of paper that needs to be signed...and I got this f**king crazy.  And watch....in a day or two I'll get a call or a text like none of this $hit happened....

This is what I grew up with.  This is what I was taught.  This is why I stay AWAY.

I watched 13 Episodes in 3 days...and I still managed to leave my house - Part 2

I reviewed this over here....well I say review...this is more of a pouring my brain into a blog post....its a bit silly.....at the other blog.  But its me so I am posting it here too.

Jessica Jones

I watched 13 Episodes in 3 days...and I still managed to leave my house - Part 1

I reviewed this over here...at the other blog.  But its me so I am posting it here too.

Jessica Jones

Don't be an @$$hole, don't be an @$$hole, don't be an...ah crap...

How to make a sarcastic person insane...you don't get the sarcasm.  Ahhhhhh, so frustrating.  I can understand when I say something cryptic...sometimes people don't catch it.  But when it is OBVIOUS I am being silly...oh god I can barely contain the jerk response.  I think my inner goddess is House. 

This all happened on social media (shocking).  I had two people answer my sarcastic "question" within seconds of me posting it...okay fine whatever.  But my BFF rescued me by adding an additional sarcastic comment making my goofiness blatant.  Her comment with my comment made the whole scenario crystal clear, we were being facetious.  I still got three more replies answering my "question".  Newsflash people I knew the answer.  I was making fun of the news outlets that got it WRONG.

It took all of my self control to not post this.

And I am still debating if I should just do it.  Because it has been a few days and I've received MORE replies.  *whoosa whoosa*

It's November 20th, OMG!!!!

Why is this exciting?  It's not...unless you are me...or people like me....who like the things I like *big cheesy smile*

I don't know how I am going to function tomorrow.  I have to be at a race at 7:30AM, meaning I have to get up really flipping early.  Why is this a problem?  Weeeeeeeellll *tugging ear* you see there is this show (shut up) that I might have mentioned I have been REALLY wanting to watch.  And *fiddling with hair* itrealeasedonNetflixtoday.  Ahhhhhh, I'm so excited, I'm shaking like a chihuahua.

There is a high probability I will binge watch a ridiculous amount of episodes once I am released from my supplier of funds necessary to live (also necessary to afford an internet package and Netflix). 

Netflix CLEARLY knows my patterns...

*thud* sorry, might have fallen off the chair.  Those suckers just roll away if you aren't careful!

At first I thought "oh its cause its a new show" then I realized I don't get notifications for all the other "new shows"...just the ones that involve Sci-Fi, Fantasy, and Superheros.  *ehhhh hehehehe*

So that's all...that's why I am a bouncing ball of energy.  Maybe I shouldn't have had that 3rd cup of coffee. 

It's amazing what can trigger buried memories & emotions

I don't know if these could be considered PTSD but they weren't fun. 

Example 1:
When I was a teenager I was in a car wreck.  A bad car wreck.  A wreck where you looked at the vehicle and wondered how anyone much less all four passengers survived with minor injuries.  I had zero memory of the actual wreck.  I hit my head extremely hard, breaking the back window and cutting my scalp.  I don't remember much until a few hours later in the ER.  About a month or so after said wreck I went with my BFFs to see "I know what you did last summer".  There is a scene at the beginning where they hit the guy.  There was glass breaking, metal crunching and squealing tires.  I freaked out.  I had a panic attack in the movie theater and started crying.  Those sounds triggered my memory of the night.  After I remembered everything I was terrified of riding in the backseat, especially the drivers side.  As the years passed the fear diminished and eventually mostly went away all together.  I still get antsy when riding in the back but I can control it.  But to this day when I hear and/or see a wreck whether in person or in a TV Show/Movie my breathing speeds up, my heart starts pounding and I have to talk myself down.  Its not debilitating like it once was but it still exists 18 years later. 

Example 2:
So its been 8 years since my stupid ex did stupid things.  I'm over it, he's over it.  We are amicable.  We aren't friends so to say but there is no more bad blood.  I recently realized I avoid certain movies/tv shows because of the stupid things that happened .  Especially ones that are based around cheating and/or breaking up.  I didn't realize I was doing it.  I am happily married to an amazing man why would this still bother me?  My only conclusion is because deep down that whole situation really f**ked up head and I am "secretly" terrified it will happen again. 

I didn't even know I felt this way until Tuesday.  Tuesday was NCIS day.  I watch NCIS, I like NCIS.  I adore Bishop and her cutesy relationship with her hubby.  They seem to go together so well.  She is so understanding of him.  He is going through a hard time.  She voices this to him, how she knows he is in a difficult place but she is there for him.  He blurts out hes f**king his co-worker.  Bishop walks out...she seems numb.  Meanwhile I am literally a blubbering mess on my couch.  All of that stupid hurt and pain came flooding back in.  I could relate to Bishop.  I was the understanding fiance and *blam* he blurts out he has "feelings" for another girl.  He swore nothing happened...but the story changed over time.  It sucked...I NEVER want to ever experience that again.  Which I am assuming that is why that scene triggered such a crazy emotional response from me. 

Trying to put down others for what they put on Facebook, but not being intelligent enough to realize you are part of the group you are trying to cut down

Soooooooooooooooooooooooo why would you post this?!!?!?!?  You changed your profile pic to the first filter.  I distinctly remember you having the rainbow one.  You just called YOURSELF out.  I am offended (hahaha, hehehehe, *snort*) because I changed my pic.  Okay not really...I could give a $hit what they think.  I am not clueless but it made me feel better to show some semblance of support after such a horrible crime.  Who cares if someone jumps on that bandwagon.  It is a kind gesture.  If you don't want to do it I am not judging you and I don't think different of you.  BUT I am judging this person right now because this is hilarious stupidity. 

I'm offended, that you are offended by that thing that isn't offensive

Everyone needs to grow a set...thicken their skin...quit looking for something to be offended by.  Stop being so unnecessarily confrontational.  Not everything that is said, written, depicted, whatever is meant to piss you off.  Yea somethings are directed at specific "groups" and I get being put off by that.  But many things, even those done in a tasteless manner, are not directed at you or your people or your gender or whatever.  STAAAAAAAAAAAAHHHHHP!

So I read this quote somewhere by a certain famous person about a certain PSYCHOTIC character he is playing.

"It’s a fascinating character, and it’s a fascinating thing to be handed, to kind of unpick. If that was your lot in life, if everything you requested was given to you, then how would you cope with that? Would you be able to maintain any kind of moral integrity? I don’t know if many of us would, frankly. So I felt a certain sympathy for Kilgrave, certainly more sympathy than everyone else who just seems to think he’s a bastard!"

—	David Tennant, The Scotsman interview

I understand what he is saying...there is absolutely nothing offensive about it.  But the "easily offended" (people looking to start $hit just for the sake of starting $hit) are losing their f**king minds...

They are saying the most bizarre things.  Surely they must be joking...right?  Guess...not...on various boards and discussions, I've read that he is now sympathetic towards rapists (what?!).  That he is understanding of domestic violence (What?!?!).  The list of things he is now "supportive" of was exhaustive and 100% ridiculous (WHAT!?!!?!).  I am certain some were trolls messing with the idiots posting this ridiculousness but come on.  Are you people f**king mental?!?! I've not met the man but I've seen interviews and read about other people's encounters.  I have  REALLY hard time believing he would be any of those things.  Also at least read ALL of the interview before you say anything.... ya dumb@$$e$...*grumble, grumble*.  Not to mention, I seem to recall other speculations being "said" after other roles were announced or whatever.  

Its a job.  He is giving his opinion on a character he is portraying.  It is FICTIONAL!  He is an actor (apparently a really good actor).  He is not actually the Doctor, he is not actually DI Hardy, he is not actually Kilgrave, etc, etc, etc.  He is a real person, with a real life that has little correlation with those roles except acting the part when needed.  You people are just looking for something to b**ch about.  Get over yourself and just enjoy the array of characters he brings to life....even the creepy, give you nightmares one.

I know other actors are "accused" of the same kinds of stuff  because of varying roles and it isn't okay to do it to them either...good lord people learn the difference between reality and fiction.  

UPDATE - Watch This all the way to the end.  It's only 2 minutes-ish. 

Alright, I've avoided the topic for 3 days...but I saw something...

I'm not going to go on a rant.  I'm not going to discuss much of anything really.   I am going to say, I am heart broken and horrified at the appalling attacks in Paris.  The blatant disregard for human life is sobering.  Why?  That is the only question I have.  Why?  So many innocent people.  So many who just went out for an evening of fun who will never go home again.  So many who may be permanently injured (physically and/or mentally) because they went to a Soccer Match or Concert or just Dinner.  This isn't about religion or politics or whatever.  These people had nothing to do with those things, they just happen to be citizens (and some tourists) of the country attacked.  These were cold hearted mass murders.  It makes me weep for humanity and never want to leave my house. 

I was out and about Friday when I got the alerts.  And while we were informed the U.S. wasn't under immediate threat of an attack, there was an increased police presence where we were.  We went to a live show and everyone was being overly cautious and seemed nervous.  Who is to say we wouldn't be targeted next...how can you possibly know.  That theater holds 4,000 people plus staff.  At first we were confused why they wouldn't let us in.  We weren't allowed in the venue until just under 40 min before the show.  Then they wouldn't let us go to our seats until 10 minutes before.  I've been to shows here before...this was a little weird.  I figured maybe the entertainers were running late but that still didn't make a lot of sense.  All I can think was they were being cautious...its a national touring show...better safe then sorry, right?  Everyone always thinks "it will never happen here..." until it does. 

Anyways, this song has always been special to me...more so now than ever I guess.

Imagine by John Lennon

Imagine there's no heaven
It's easy if you try
No hell below us
Above us only sky
Imagine all the people living for today

Imagine there's no countries
It isn't hard to do
Nothing to kill or die for
And no religion too
Imagine all the people living life in peace, you

You may say I'm a dreamer
But I'm not the only one
I hope some day you'll join us
And the world will be as one

Imagine no possessions
I wonder if you can
No need for greed or hunger
A brotherhood of man
Imagine all the people sharing all the world, you

You may say I'm a dreamer
But I'm not the only one
I hope some day you'll join us
And the world will be as one

I know this isn't the only thing that has happened recently...bad things happen everyday...there have been irrational acts of terror across the world.

Spider clan, spider clan...does whatever a spider clan does...

...like reproduce...and leave its sack of off spring dangling above my front door *nervous laughter*.

Right so...yea.  Um. Okay.  So the other half is out of town...meaning its just me if you don't count the dogs and cats.  Anyway, I got home from makin groceries when I noticed a white glob above the door.  *hmmmm* "well that's odd".  It was dusk and I really couldn't see well so I thought it was rubbish that got stuck from the wind storm we had.  Oh ho ho no, I couldn't be that lucky.

So after I got all the groceries inside I went to investigate.  It was in the upper corner (well out of my shorty reach) so I had to get kinda close to see it. with my phone light  At this point I realized it looked like...silk.  "Ummmmm, WTF, over".   It also looked to be hidden behind a fine webbing *crap crap crap*. 

Logical Brain: Its a cocoon...you know like a butterfly
Paranoid Brain: Its the f**king egg sack of the mother of all arachnids!  Someone call the Doctor, we have a Racnoss infestation.  
Logical Brain: Quit watching so much Sci-Fi, its just a cocoon. 
Paranoid Brain: Ahhhhhhhhhhhh *whimper, whimper*

So of course I have to get rid of this or fear being the first meal of these lovelies.  What does any logical being do...?

Which is exactly what I did.  I heard a crunch like sound...and then it MOVED.  You know that creepy "Oh my god something is slithering under the surface" move.

I crept back to it and managed to detach it from the door frame with my "trusty" stick...all the while going "OMG omg omg, ewwww, ahhhhh, *sobbing*".  All I could picture was f**king arachnophobia!!!  You know that barn scene *shudder*. 

It detached with a pop and crashed to the ground. It was worming around so I, uh, I...dropped a boot on it.  And it immediately burst open releasing a gazillion tiny spiders onto my car port.

I tapped danced on a few and sprayed RAID on the rest.  I think I need an exterminator...my solutions aren't working...I need an adult...I am clearly adulting wrong....someone help me!

After I finished murdering the babies I heard laughter.  "WTF" *peeks around corner*.  My neighbor was outside BBQ-ing and saw my antics.  God help me if he ever starts recording me...