Current mood....Ahhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhh

The "Screaming Goat" is my spirit animal so far this week.

The week after a holiday can be one of two things...INSANELY slow or chocked full of the most ridiculous issues that you consider drinking a bottle of wine EVERY NIGHT!

Mine is the latter. 

So to make myself happy, I'm looking at screaming goat videos and can't stop laughing.  They get me every time!

Although if I were to "scream like a goat" my husband/co-workers may have me committed....maybe...or maybe they'd just scream with me. 

OMG can you imagine a group of people just...

Maybe I drank too much wine....

I should go bug my husband at work....

No, yea I am 100% positive I've never searched for a penis elongator....

So I thought those "sponsored ads" on FB were supposed to be related to your google searches or purchases or whatever.  Because the ones I got the other day were far from anything I have EVER searched. 

Imagine my surprise when I was scrolling and I saw this....

At first I was like its a back brace...then I looked closer.  WHAT THE ACTUAL F**K?!?!?! 

And it CLEARLY has a weighted something tugging on it.  Conclusion...I don't know why is this in my Facebook feed?!?!  And why are my friends "liking" this page!?!?!? What is this store?!?!

So I swiped left to see what else this f**ked up store had "suggested" for me ...I don't know why I do this to myself....

That is obviously someone with their pants pulled down.  I know I know they are trying to show the fleece lining and I might have googled something like this but there are WAY BETTER WAYS to illustrate that..... just saying.  Next...

Can you see it?!?! Here look closer so you can be horrified like me!!!

What....why....OMG....what is that for...?
ya know what don't answer that...
wait, is she putting a thumb in the butt!?!!?!

*sobbing*

But wait there's more...

What is that?!?  Is that a poopy potty?!?!  I see baby butt...can't we just use diapers....?

I can't stop myself...what else is there?!?

Oh...okay...whew the small picture shows it as an "Exhaust Plug"

But...but lets get real...that's.....that's for Butt stuff isn't it....I just saw an over-sized ribbed butt plug.  And if it isn't, can you blame me for thinking that after the other f**ked up pictures I just saw?!!?!?!

One more swipe....

OMG something I did actually google!!!!!!!  More than SIX pictures in...yes there were other weird products but nothing as weird as these...why why why why why why why why....

And no, I swear I have never searched for ANYTHING that should have shown me any of those other pictures....besides the leggings...I am thoroughly confused and concerned....

I swear I am normal...kind of....a little....maybe take 2

So I moved into a new house, right.  While I've met most of my neighbors and we all get along wonderfully, I have these weird moments that are just me and now I think most of them think I am a little strange.

I told you about the screaming cicada that had me locked out of my house for 20 min back in September, I think.  Well here are more instances that make me look 100% crazy.


Incident 2:

We are actually having cool weather!!!  Which means I am loving having all the windows and back door open.  Only places where I have screens...we still have bugs...its not that "cold".  Anyways, since I don't do this often, I forget people can HEAR ME inside when they are open.

It was Saturday.  I cleaned, I put out decorations, I watched SEC football!  Anyways, during the Bama vs Auburn game (which HOLY $HIT AUBURN BEAT BAMA!!!!!) I took a break to watch the game.  My smaller dog thinks that when I sit it is time for her to climb all over me.  She isn't that small.  She is still 30 lbs.  While she was climbing on me she ended up on the back of the couch.  She put her head against my neck and slooooowly slid down the front of me.

This motion squished my tatas.  While they aren't big it still hurt.  So I yelled "OMG stop steam rolling my titties!"  I immediately heard someone laughing.  But like trying not to laugh but I totally heard a bark of laughter then a muffled giggle.

"$hit, the windows are open!!!" ....ooops.

You would think I would have learned my lesson.  Anyways, later in the evening I watched LSU vs Texas A&M (GEAUX TIGERS!!!!).  I was decorating at this point.  I had an arm-full of glittery Christmas stuff when LSU scored a touchdown.  I screamed "whooooooo!!!!" and was jumping around like the crazy LSU fan I am...with my decorations...and my looney dog.

When suddenly I hear "*laughter* Sounds like your night got better!" and I saw a face in my window.  OMG! 

So I waved, said "geaux tigers!!!!"  and closed all the windows and doors (after he walked away, I'm not that rude).  Apparently he was helping his mom with yard work so he was in between the houses and could hear me....ooops.

I swear I am normal...kind of....a little....maybe take 1

So I moved into a new house, right.  While I've met most of my neighbors and we all get along wonderfully, I have these weird moments that are just me and now I think most of them think I am a little strange.

I told you about the screaming cicada that had me locked out of my house for 20 min back in September, I think.  Well here are more instances that make me look 100% crazy.


Incident 1:

I have dogs.  My dogs are INSANE.  They aren't mean just barking nuts.  Well I know people have heard me talking to them in the yard but that isn't that...odd.  Anyways a couple weeks ago we had a CRAZY windstorm overnight.  It was over a weekend so I slept in the next day.  On a seemingly normal Sunday morning I let the pups out to tee tee while I got their breakfast together.  After I few minutes I noticed I hadn't seen them darting around the yard *odd*.  So I moved the dishes.  Usually little bit comes a running.  When they didn't come I went check, figuring they were into something they weren't supposed to.

I walked onto the patio and my heart dropped.  Our side gate had blown open and the dogs were no where to be found.  Being the crazy fur momma I am I went flying out of the gate yelling their names.  I made it to the front yard and spotted them across the street sniffing.  I was freaking out because a car was coming and I didn't want them to run to me, in front of the car.  So there I am...in the street...with my hands in the air to stop the car.  The couple just looked at me like I was insane but they stopped.  I called the dogs and they came running to me *thank god*.  I waved thanks to the car who was still staring at me like I was nuts and let the pups in the front door.  I didn't yell because they were good, they came when called.  I walked to the back to go close the gate and caught a glimpse of myself in the mirror.  "Oh God!  No wonder they were looking at me like I was mental."  

I was still in my PJs.  Which consisted of oversized plaid flannel pants that said "Class of '__", a red pullover hoodie that is at least 2 sizes too big, some EPIC bed head, and...furry black cat slippers.  I swear I am normal!!!!!!!!!!  I probably looked like I escaped an asylum running out into the street...looking like that, yelling weird words while waving my arms.

I think I pulled a muscle being weird....

So yesterday...ya know Thanksgiving here in the States...I opened Facebook and made the absolute stupidest noise I have ever made! 

I follow Wizard World.  And I always see all these super cool guests going to other cons but few come here to NOLA.  We get some but not toooooo many.  Anywhos the only one I was willing to pay money for was Jason Momoa.  I like him plus how funny would it be seeing me next to him (see this post) but I wasn't sure I could justify the $85 to take a pic. 

Anyways, yesterday...the day of THANKS...I saw that one of my FAVORITE CELEBS is coming to WWNOLA and I geeked out.  I squeaked and then I said "$hit, I wonder how much that is gonna cost...*sad face*".  The husband was like who is coming...?

I very nonchalantly said "oh, um, David Tennant".  Ya know, like no big deal.  When inside I was like

He said "Uh huh, maybe you'll get it for Christmas".  Really?!?!?!  Then he said no, probably not.  DOH!

Anyways I looked and apparently Wizard World was having a Black Friday Promo *SWEEET*.  If I bought an anything Black Friday, I get a discount!!!!  So I thought about it and said I'd make a decision in the AM when I wasn't drunk on food intake. 

So this morning I decided that I would totes regret NOT doing a photo because reasons....then I realized it was $104...OUCH.  Can I justify that?!?!  I can do it, maybe...I dunno.  But with the Discount, its $89...wait I can justify that, its under a $100. 

That's when I bought a photo op with one of my fav actors and then I fangirled a little...maybe a lot...and now my neck/back hurts...doh!  Oh and I told the sig other to MAKE SURE HE IS OFF so we can go this time.

That's it...nothing that interesting but I am kinda freaking out...this is sooooooo cool!  I love Cons!!! They give us little nerds a chance to meet/take pics/get autographs from our fav heroes (and villains). 

So yea Happy Thanksgiving...I am definitely thankful for seeing that post!

Pet Peeve...about Pets...well Pet "Parents"...PEOPLE SUCK!

I hate...hate...F**KING HATE when people get rid of a dog or cat or whatever because "they are too difficult".  No.  NO! 

If you aren't ready for the responsibility of ANOTHER LIFE be it human, canine, feline, avian, or other...then don't get a f**king dog or whatever and for gods sake don't have a kid! 

They need CARE and ATTENTION and usually a vet visit from time to time (not the kid...that one should probably go to a pediatrician)...i.e. $$$$$

Dogs have to be taught.  If you don't have time to TEACH THEM they will just be f**king dogs.  Dogs pee inside...dogs tear $hit up....dogs bite but if you TEACH THEM they stop...usually. 

I just want to throat punch people who give up a pup to the shelter.  1. because the dog is so f**king confused& scared and 2. because they are probably NOT going to get adopted...at least not right away.

But what makes me even MORE ENRAGED is those same mother f**kers get ANOTHER F**KING DOG like a month or 6 later.   Wait wait wait....so you gave up little fido because he was too much but now you have mr poopers.  What happens when he's "too much"?!?!!?

Seriously though...if you have brought more than 1 dog to a shelter because they are "hard" you should be banned from adopting other pets.  I'm talking "Owner Surrender" not I found a dog on the street and can't keep him.  Yes I know not all pets and people match but don't punish a pupper because you are a lazy S.O.B. who doesn't want to take the time to teach a pup.  Do you want to go to prison?  Then don't send Mr. Snickers to one either.  Shelters try to make it a loving place but there is only so much they can do!

This makes me irrationally angry! If you don't have time to teach, get an older dog that's already taught.  Old dogs need love too!  Also, puppies are A LOT of work.  A - F**KING - LOT!  They wake up at all hours, they tee tee every 3 seconds, they chew on everything including you, they are little Tasmanian devils of poop and puppy breath.  But if you take the time, they are the most WONDERFUL companions ever. 

Moral of the story - Adopt don't shop...and for gods sake do your research BEFORE getting any pet.  They aren't just some toy that can be tossed aside because your kids lost interest or because you don't have time.

Rant over - Happy Turkey Week

I think you are missing the point there sugar

This is a RANT feel free to ignore...

I am not a breedist...is that a thing...?  I don't look at an animal and say "OMG its a _____ breed...everyone RUN!!!"   but I am also not an idiot.

I've grown up with large and small dogs of all breeds.  When I was a kid we had a doberman/boxer mix, a German Shepard/husky Mix, and a Pekingese/poodle mix.  If you asked anyone they were scared of my dobe/boxer mix.  After all AGGRESSIVE BREEDS!!!  In reality...I was bit countless times by the little Pekingese mix.  She was an @$$hole.  Seriously, that little b**ch held me hostage on more than one occasion because she wanted to.  She would jump in MY BED and then growl and nip if I moved.  She was MEAN.  I loved her to bits but she was a jerk.  The big dogs...BABIES.  The most lovable creatures you'd ever meet.  But mess with me or my mom and you'd lose your manhood...or at the very least a toe. 

My point is ALL dogs have the potential to be aggressive...ALL OF THEM.  And the little ones are the worst.  I've had them and loved them but they could be JERKS.   I was chased down the street by a toy poodle.  I was just a running along when this little puffball ATTACKED me.  He's lucky I love dogs otherwise I might have punted him across the street.  I was BLEEDING FROM MY ANKLES but he was a poodle...what's the big deal, right?  WRONG!  He viciously attacked me...but he was tiny.  If a little dog  bites you, you might need a bandaid...if a big dogs bites you, you need stitches or are dead.  THAT is the difference. 

With that said I don't care what size your dog is...it should be properly restrained when in public.  If there is even a remote possibility that you MIGHT encounter another animal muzzle that little $hit.   big or small, you muzzle them all.  You know why?  You f**king know why?  Because if your little $hit of a dog runs up to me and my gentle giant and starts $hit, my gentle giant MIGHT decide to defend me which might equal death for your little $hit. 

Doesn't matter if its a park, vet, or groomer...they should ALL be properly restrained for the safety of ALL pets.  Irresponsible owners and/or vet/groomer employees are a problem.  You don't walk a PITBULL past a BISHON.  Just don't.  You don't know how ANY dog is going to react..EVER!  The kindest dog could decide tomorrow that the little @$$hole barking needs to be silenced. 

I am not talking about the dogs with issues or dogs bred to be aggressive.  I had pits too.  Never had an issue...NEVER.  I had someone try to say there was an issue but THEY WERE IN MY YARD and THEY HIT MY DOG REPEATEDLY.  Show me ANY animal that wouldn't attack after being punched in the face.  Come on...I'll wait.   My dog could have destroyed that idiot...instead he barked...nipped (didn't bite, no blood was drawn)...and hid behind my then boyfriend.  But because of his "breed" he was almost put down.  Not because he did a damn thing wrong but because I lived next door to a moron.  Nothing came of it but it was EYE OPENING. 

Here's the point.  Animals are just that, animals.  If you treat them like $hit, they will respond in kind.  Even the kindest animal has the potential to be mean....people aren't exempt.  How many times did you hear about a mass murderer that was "just a normal guy...".  So to protect the fur babies BE RESPONSIBLE.  Always have them leashed.  Put a "gentle lead" or a muzzle if you even had a tiny inkling your pup might try to defend you.  Cross the street/path/area if you remotely think there might be an issue.  Why risk it?!?!  Be a responsible pet owner because others aren't. 

Moral of the story...DON'T BE A TW@T!  Protect your pets!

Don't judge a dog by its breed, judge it by its owner because lets be honest...unless there is an underlying issue the way a dog reacts is directly correlated with how its treated by their owner.  "But pets attack kids all the time".  DIG DEEPER.  Maybe not always...but many times something happened.  There are ways to introduce pets to kids...make them jealous and you have an issue...they are still an ANIMAL!  Don't leave pets and kids unattended...why? Because some kids are @$$holes...and some animals don't understand what a kid is.  BE A RESPONSIBLE PARENT! 

Be overly cautious, not because your pet will hurt someone but because you just don't know.  You NEVER know....EVER.

Rant over...I'm going to bed.

What is wrong with me?!?!

My brain sometimes does things that make me laugh hysterically...which can make me look a tad bit nutty when I'm in public.  I was listening to the radio and heard a song.  A song I've heard a hundred times...but this time my brain did a thing...

"I'm Already There" - Lonestar

He called her on the road

From a lonely cold hotel room - Those are the worst

Just to hear her say I love you one more time

But when he heard the sound 

Of the kids laughing in the background

He had to wipe away a tear from his eye

A little voice came on the phone

Said "Daddy when you coming home"

He said the first thing that came to his mind - Awwwwww *tear* isn't that SWEET!

I'm already there - Oh...um okay......

Take a look around - Seriously, Where....where are you....?

I'm the sunshine in your hair - That's nice

I'm the shadow on the ground - if Doctor Who has taught me anything its don't trust shadows!!!

I'm the whisper in the wind - OMG The Trees are talking!!! Don't put on the headband!!! The forest is ALIVE!

I'm your imaginary friend - If the Exorcist has taught me anything its that Imaginary friends are usually DEMONS!!!!

And I know I'm in your prayers - a tad presumptuous.  

Oh I'm already there - Creeeeepy!

She got back on the phone

Said I really miss you darling - Aw

Don't worry about the kids they'll be alright - Isn't that a movie?

Wish I was in your arms - Daaaaaw

Lying right there beside you - Brown chicken brown cow!!!!

But I know that I'll be in your dreams tonight - Oh ho ho ho naughty naughty!

And I'll gently kiss your lips - Wait...wait...are we phone sexing...?

Touch you with my fingertips - This is really sounding like phone sexing....

So turn out the light and close your eyes - OMG YOU ARE TOTALLY PHONE SEXING!!!!

I'm already there - well good for you, I need a little longer

Don't make a sound - Yea because the kids will think mommy is being murdered!

I'm the beat in your heart - is this a metaphor for a pulsating...never mind

I'm the moonlight shining down - Mood lighting!

I'm the whisper in the wind - yea, whispering "sweet nothings" through the phone...

And I'll be there until the end - Well you better stay till she's done!

Can you feel the love that we share - excuse me sir, this is getting inappropriate!

Oh I'm already there - do you have to keep reminding me...?

Theres another chorus but you get the gist.  Why am I like this?!?!? I've always thought this was the sweetest song.  Now whenever I hear it, I'll only be able to think naughty things.  

SIDE NOTE - I still love this song and think its a beautiful song.  I just had a moment of immaturity, that was so funny to me, I thought I'd share.