NOLA ReBuilding - Lakeview

Even being from NOLA it still shocks me at some of the progress (or lack there of) in re-building.

I know a few people that live in the area called Lakeview that have completely re-done their homes. And have been done for quite some time. I'm not knocking anyone, I get how difficult it can be for people who are trying to fix their homes. It's hard to do a complete rebuild of your home especially if you have bad luck with contractors. I am talking about the ones that have had NOTHING done. The ones rotting on their lots.

I was driving to go meet my friends at a Festival this past weekend and was shocked at the progress. Now I was pleasantly surprised how many houses had be redone or almost completed. I was disgusted at the others. I was going along seeing all these great renovated homes, which looked so nice and hopeful and then right down the street or next door, there was one that was completely decrepit. It was quite obvious the only work done on it was it being gutted...MAYBE. The doors and windows were missing or broken and you could still see the stained waterline on the outside of the house. It looked like the hurricane just hit a week ago and people hadn't returned yet to their home. It was like this the whole way to the Festival. It wasn't a majority of the homes but it was still a good many. Some were up for sale others just falling apart there.

Now why did this bother me so much. Well lets see, its not just because it makes Lakeview look bad its because of the other problems. These homes were in water for quite sometime, saturated and molded by the flood brought on by Katrina. I know how bad this mold and rot became...I help completely gut out 3 houses in NOLA. And this was just a few months after the storm. We are going on year 3 this August 29th; almost 3 years since the flood waters receded.

Okay back to why I am so annoyed with it. You see NOLA has had a termite/rodent issue for as long as I can remember. Termites used to "swarm" for a few weeks late spring/early summer. Nothing spectacular, you'd just see some flying around lights, especially at outdoor parks and stuff like that. Nothing like what I saw this weekend. I was sitting at the Festival and at around 8PM the termites came out of the woodwork...literally! It wasn't just a small group. I mean this was a MASSIVE swarm, it looked like something out of a horror movie. They were everywhere. All around the lights, electronics, diving into peoples food and drinks, landing in hair etc etc etc. It was like a freaking cloud of termites hovering above the crowd. Then I started thinking, they are probably devouring the blighted houses in the area, multiplying like crazy and putting the new developments in danger of becoming infested. Plus these were just the ones that "came out to play" imagine how many more there are underground and hiding out in homes around the area. Makes my skin crawl. Then I started thinking, if termites are making homes out of the abandoned ones just think what else is living in there. I keep hearing about cat sized rats running around (and no I am not talking about Nutria). I think I would die if I saw one, a rat...and I'm not really scared of rodents but a rat that big...

Like I said I really don't like to judge people, pest control is expensive especially termite treatment but my goodness if you could have seen this you would have felt the same...I think. I just kept thinking, why even try to sell the dilapidated houses, just knock them down and sell the land... I know I don't fully understand everything and its not just that easy...knocking down a house but I just had to say something.

I keep wondering what we are doing here in NOLA. Don't we want people to move back and come visit? Doesn't having an insane termite and rodent problem make people NOT want to come around here. Shouldn't there be a time limit on how long a blighted house can just sit there...I mean I thought this was in place (a time frame to gut/rebuild) but from what I saw I am not sure. And this is in a "good/decent" part of town...I can only imagine what is going on in poorer areas. Can anyone shed some light on this? I love my city and hate to see ANY part of it like this.

You make me completely misreable

Why is it, we know when someone does not make us as happy as we deserve to be yet we still yearn to be with them?


It completely blows my mind! I know that right now my current boyfriend...well I guess he is an Ex now but whatever...is not working out for me. My well being is suffering because of our failing relationship. But every time I think about my life without him I freak out, it seems unreal and extremely scary! I know this is normal with a life changing thing like this BUT knowing still doesn't help...I'm tired of thinking.

Miserable Lyrics
Artist: Lit
Album: A Place In The Sun
You make me come
You make me complete
You make me completely miserable

Stuck to a chair
Watchin' this story about me
Everything goes by so fast
Making my head spin
Used up all of my friends
Who needs them when you mean everything
I love the things that we should fear
I'm not afraid of being here

So much the same
It makes me helpless alone
Nothing to share
Why should I care if your near me
Give up all of my plans
But who needs them
When you mean everything
I love the things that we should fear
I'm not afraid of being here

So much the same
You make me helpless alone
Yeah, yeah..You make me come
Yeah, yeah..You make me complete
Yeah, yeah..You make me completely miserable
I love the things that we should fear
I'm not afraid of being here

So much the same
It makes me helpless alone
You make me come
You make me complete
You make me completely miserable
Yeah, yeah..You make me come
Yeah, yeah..You make me complete
Yeah, yeah..You make me completely miserable

Men are Dumb

What is it about "commitment" that freaks some men out?


Well we had our talk this past weekend after he got back. It was what I like to call a MARATHON conversation. It lasted for 3 days!!!! Let's see he got in Thursday and it was extreme attention. We had close to zero conversation but he was SUPER affectionate...what the hell?!? Well Friday came around and I wasn't about to bring anything up, I wanted him to start the conversation and to my surprise he did.

It started very calm. We talked about why I thought he had a personality disorder (which I still think he does...read the symptoms its eerily close). Of course when he started to see the Symptoms and realize I wasn't kidding he flipped it on me and said "Oh you and all your stupid Psycho Babble." Gee thanks! We talked about his "family secret" FINALLY he freaking told me even though I've known and it's been killing me that he didn't trust me enough to share it with me. So we talked until 2AM, I think. I was explaining what I saw and he was listening. It didn't really go all that well. He still didn't open up completely but we were both drinking so I think that helped us loosen up a little. Then I told him about how he ignores me. He sits at the computer and I can walk around butt naked and he doesn't notice. He OF COURSE said that wasn't true so I did a demo of how that usually goes. He was a bit surprised but whatever. Then one thing led to another and well lets just say I had a momentary lapse of control. I know DUMB but stuff happens. Well not too long after that we went to bed and he crawled in next to me...what tha??? Whatever I was drunk and tired so we slept.

Saturday morning we woke up and things were kinda back to normal. UNTIL he sudden;y says, "are you doing anything today, cuz I'm gonna head to BR for the Baseball game". Well that affected me because I thought we would attempt to talk more. I didn't say anything though because I didn't feel like being THAT girl.

Well he for the first time in a long time realized something was not 'right' and started talking to me. I just started crying. I couldn't help it, everything in my mind was bubbling out. Like I was thinking about how I wanted to get married, be happy, have babies and that I thought he was that person. He led me to believe he was that person etc etc etc. Well he was of course hugging me the whole time saying he understood which is bull but whatever. After i calmed down a little he went back to the other couch. I forced him to explain how he proposed to me in Aug 2006 and then suddenly changed his mind.

HIS RESPONSE was killer. He actually told me that after he did it, he realized that it wasn't what he wanted. He wasn't ready to be married. I asked for further clarification bc it really didn't make sense to me. He said and I quote "I see marriage as a means to start a family and have children and since I am not ready to have kids why get married." So my cocky response was "so you're telling me all those people that are married and not actively trying to have kids are...doing what exactly." He back peddled, thats not what he meant. Right, yea OK!!!! So I asked him what scared him about marrying me...I mean really pretty much all that would change between us is I would change my name and we'd probably open a joint account along with our individual ones. He didn't know what to say...he really hadn't looked at it that way...oh my god really?!?!!?

Well I was pretty pissed off at this point so I wasn't being cautious with my words and I honestly do not know what I said but I upset him...ALOT. He got extremely emotional and said he didn't know how I could sit there and be so hurtful...excuse me!?!?!?!? He said it's the way I was talking to him, it cut like a knife...so of course being pissed, I said "good you deserve to suffer"!!! Probably not the most mature moment but I really don't care anymore. He said he wasn't supposed to do this to me. He wasn't supposed to hurt me like them. He was supposed to protect me and keep me from hurting. HAHAHAHA, no really I started laughing and went and sat by him. I told him he is seriously blind bc he hurt me more than any other dumb ex I have had thus far...and thats impressive because it took me a while to get over the one before him. So I said, "so when do you want me out?" That just sent him into more of a downward spiral of emotion. Well we talked for a while and he hugged me and I sobbed (pathetic I know but it just wouldn't stop). Well we both ended up falling asleep on the couch from exhaustion I guess it was around 4PM, needless to say no baseball game for him.

Well we woke up about 8PM. He wanted to get dinner for us, um OK. We got Italian Pie and he came next to me on the couch afterwards and snuggled. Anyone else find a freakin' problem with this?!?!?! Anyways we sat on the couch for a few hours watching TV. Then went to bed and AGAIN he got in there with me...which I find very strange. I stayed on my side, he on his and we slept.

Okay on to Mother's day. He went through a guilt trip. He felt awful for things that had happened the night before. Then BIG RED FLAG. I left to go see my mom and take her out. He went to the baseball game in Baton Rouge. His mom called me later that night and said she has two sons and a daughter in law and I was the only one who sent her a card. That made me feel so bad for her...because I usually do the mother's day thing where I have my mom and her over for lunch/dinner. But since all this crap is going on that didn't happen and no one did anything for her... NOT COOL.

So that was my MARATHON weekend of talking. The sad thing is nothing was accomplished. We talked sort of but nothing was resolved...no decisions were made. I am still in flipping limbo and I really really really hate it!!!!!

History Repeats Itself...

Should you learn a lesson from others mistakes?

I think yes. Especially if you watch something happen to a friend or family member and start to see the same things happening to you. That should be a red flag that a similar situation is about to arise. What am I talking about you might ask. Well there are two situations that until things got out of hand with my relationship, I didn't realize how similar everything was.


1st: My friend has been with this guy since our freshman year of college. They were engaged by our Junior year and living together in NOLA. After a 5 year engagement he started to shut down. He didn't want to be intimate, communicate or give affection/attention. She ended up with someone else briefly, broke off the engagement and moved out. She was gone for maybe 6-8 months (if that) then moved back in with him. From what I know they never really resolved anything. Its a relationship of convenience. He does his thing and she does hers and occasionally they do stuff together. They decided (she decided) they would not marry or have kids. BUT they care about each other on some level. He shows it more than she does but the attraction is there no matter how much they try to hide it.


2nd: I come from a divorced family. I was young when it happened but I was old enough to see and understand some of it and what I didn't understand then was understood as I got older. My parents fought a lot. Mainly about communication, time apart/together and money. They blamed each other for everything and always thought the other was uncaring/cold. Then one day he left. There was no fight, no talk, nothing. He grabbed some clothes and left. No more talking or fighting...well until they went to court. Now they get along OK, but there is still so much tension when they are together.

I don't want to be like this...like either of the above. I want to be able to talk and work through things instead of letting things build up, blow up and then glaze over them. Its hard to talk especially about serious stuff but I know I can do it...I've been in enough relationships to know that its better to get it out. BUT my man (ex, I guess) doesn't understand it. I'm his first serious relationship. I hate being the learning curve! I can see it now...

We break up because he is unable to get past communicating THEN he meets another girl and he uses the experiences he learned from destroying our relationship to make that one work. When all along had he done it in ours we would have been peachy keen. I know its a little selfish to think of it this way but I can't help it. I seem to always be the learning curve they use to make future relationships work. Why can't I get the guy that has already F-ing learned!?!

But how do you do it? How do you save a relationship when the other person doesn't know how to be in a relationship this serious? How do you get your current man to learn from your previous relationship downfalls? I guess I'll find out soon...we are supposed to talk again...'talk' yea thats part of the problem right there...

Just Some Thoughts

A Girl's Expectations (in no particular order):

• Communication
• Love
• Affection
• Openness
• Thoughtfulness
• Sincerity
• Together Time
• Apart Time
• Friendship
• Honesty
• Trust
• Compromise
• Commitment
  
• Unselfishness
• Considerate
  

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I've heard of people falling out of love and I think it's a bunch of bull. People change and sometimes grow apart but you don't love someone one day and then not love them the next. If you do you are mentally ill and should not be in a relationship in the first place. The feeling of falling out of love is not exactly that, you don't fall out of love, you just forget how to do it with your significant other. Things that used to be the norm become forgotten or taken for granted. You forget that something as simple as a phone call, a touch or a just thinking of you note can make someones day. You forget that you are not the only one in the relationship and although your needs are important another person is also involved and needs to be considered. You forget that there was a reason you said those cherished words in the first place. The feeling of happiness outside of the relationship is skewed also. You keep thinking if only I were single I could do whatever I want or there is someone who will be better at _______. It's called the grass is always greener mind-set. No matter who you end up with they have quirks and habits that may drive you insane at times and time apart may feel like a gift from God but it doesn't mean that they shouldn't be together. It usually means you need time away from each other. Alone time or friend time is normal, spending every waking minute together is stressful. It works the same way after a couple splits your brain flips the grass is always greener thought to the "Remember the good times" thought. It's all perception. It may seem like a bunch of BULL but I've been through a few serious relationships and I've learned this. Once you love someone you'll always love them, the break up factor just depends on how much effort is put into the relationship that makes it last and if that effort isn't made we move along, but love is always there.



Relationships take work. They don't just run themselves and they are a commitment. No matter who you are with, the list above has to be considered. If you aren't willing to do most, if not all of those at some time then why bother be in a relationship with anyone. This is what women want. They will blow smoke up your butt about not being like other girls and its true because I am not like other girls, but in the end they want the list above on some level.



I've noticed in the last 1 1/2 - 2 years he has changed (I changed too but not in the same way). I don't know if my mom living with us freaked him out or something. Or if starting a new job elevated his ego (not trying to be insulting) or maybe the stress of "being responsible" for someone else flipped a switch. But I do know that right after he asked me to marry him (Aug 3, 2006), he stopped being him and started being this 'new' person. But it's not all the time just sometimes, which is even more confusing. Even if we don't stay together because he has become that hateful/disgusted towards me we need to talk about this... I just don't know how to do it.

_________________________________________________________________

I know I am a cheese when it comes to song lyrics BUT this one was on the radio today and well guess what? I thought of him :P and prompted the letter above.

Rodney Atkins, Honesty

Lyrics

He said,"Just think it over,and write me a list"
"So we can figure out what we both deserve"
She hardly could believe it,that their love had come to this
Dividing an deciding his and hers
But she grabbed a paper napkin an asked the waitress for a pen
An one by one she wrote down what she wanted most from him


Honesty,sincerity,tenderness and trust
A little less time for the rest of the world
And more for the two of us
Kisses each mornin' I love you's at night
Just like it used to be
The way life was when you were in love with me


She reached across the table an placed it in his hand
An said,"You know this ain't easy for me"
As he thought about the new car the house an the land
An wondered what that bottom line would be
An a thousand other things that she's want him to leave behind
But he never dreamed he'd open up that napkin and find


Honesty,sincerity,tenderness and trust
A little less time for the rest of the world
And more for the two of us
Kisses each mornin' I love you's at night
Just like it used to be
The way life was when you were in love with me


Well,he fought back the tears as he looked in her eyes
And said," i don't know where to start"
and she said "Everything on that list in your hand"
Is written somewhere in your heart


Honestly, sincerity just like it used to be
The way life was when you were in love with me

What am I...chopped liver???

OKAY now I am really confused…!

Last night at 9:00 PM I received a call from my ‘ex’ (I’m really not sure what to call him now). He was calling to say hello and tell me about the animals. Well 5 seconds into the conversation he got REALLY quiet and soft spoken. I asked what was wrong and he said he didn’t know he was just in a lot of pain. I asked what hurt and he said he wasn’t sure. I sat on the phone listening to him writhe in pain. Suddenly he said “Come home!” I was a little shocked and said what. He said “Please come home I don’t know what’s wrong I’m having stabbing pains in my abdomen”. He sounded on the verge of tears which is highly unusual for him…so I said OK. I went downstairs and told my step mom and was so torn. I was like “If he’s lying I’m gonna kill him, but if something is wrong and I do not go I’ll feel terrible”. She said to go, and I felt like I needed to go.

So I drove back to my house (20-30 min away). I was greeted by my animals, all very excited to see me. I found him taking a very hot bath. He looked terrible. His eyes were blood shot and he was pale. I asked what was wrong; he said he wasn’t sure but his back really hurt and his abdomen hurt. His dad said he thinks it’s a Kidney Stone. So I got him water to drink and sat on the floor in the bathroom and just watched him writhe in pain. I kept the animals busy and talked a little to make sure he was OK. He said if he didn’t pass something soon we may have to go to the ER. After about 20 minutes he got out the tub and went to the couch. He was in so much pain. He could barely talk or keep his eyes open. I kept the animals busy and he fell asleep. Well I was feeling quite a bit useless and wondering why he even called me to come…

Well he woke up when I let the dogs out and we started talking. I took care of him. I got him water and made sure he wasn’t running fever. When it got passed 11PM I decided I wasn’t driving back to Dad’s house. So I asked him if he was OK bc I was going shower. He said he was fine.

When I came out I checked on him. Sat on the floor by the sofa and talked to him. He got all emotional. He hugged me and kissed my forehead and apologized for scaring me all the while squirming with pain. Then he wanted me to lie next to him. I said I didn’t want to hurt him (couch is not very big). He said I wouldn’t so I climbed up next to him and he hugged and snuggled with me. Then out of the blue he kissed me, a very romantic affectionate long kiss. Which has not happened for a while…he has not really kissed me in over a month…well other then a peck on the lips. So I’m like what the hell. So we stayed there for a long time. He was in so much pain. Then around 12AM-ish he got up to use the bathroom. I followed but stayed on the floor in the bedroom with the dogs. He was in there for a while then around 12:22AM came out and said he felt so much better. Um ok.

Well we went to bed…I slept in the bed, he on the floor. I didn’t ask why…it may have started a fight.

Well we got up to get ready for work. He was very sluggish. He said he felt bad again. He might have another stone. I tried to see if I could help but he just kept saying he was fine. So we got outside to leave and he didn’t attempt to tell me good bye…he just stared at me. So I asked if I could have a hug, he half hugged me, said thanks for coming home and then said have a good day and he’d call me if anything changed. What the hell?!?

So I get a call at 8:00AM-ish and it’s his mom. They had been trying to call him and he didn’t answer so they were worried and called me. I told her how things went last night and she said OK, hopefully he’ll get better soon. Well I saw him online so I sent him a message to see if he was ok. He replied, “I OK” then said he talked to his dad and had to go. So I called his mom to make sure. She said he told his dad that he was in serious pain and might not be able to stay at work. That he was worried about his business trip coming up Sunday and that he was hurting. I mean really what the hell?!?! Why ask for my ‘help’ then act like everything is OK after when its not. I am so flipping confused. He needed me last night and now I am nothing again. How in the world am I supposed to feel about that???????