Attack of the flying vegetables!

So I know down here in NOLA we do things a little different.  As with every holiday we take it to the extreme.  So OF COURSE for St. Paddy's Day we are all Irish for a day.  The beer and whiskey are flowing and we are having PARADES.  Because we will find literally any reason to have a freaking parade. 

I know I know, so many cities have parades for St. Patrick's Day, we aren't special.  But we kind of are.  So like everywhere else we have marching groups and bands...and floats...that we throw stuff off of....

So like Mardi Gras a bunch of drunk people hum things off of floats at your face.  Unlike Mardi Gras those things include more than Beads, Cups, Stuffed Animals.  Here in NOLA we do something REALLY weird.  We throw VEGETABLES.  No but for real.  Where I come from, it ain't a St Paddy's Day parade unless you can make groceries while you are there. 

They throw a bit of everything but mainly cabbage, carrots, potatoes, & onions.  Its not uncommon to hear the chant "cabbage, cabbage, cabbage"...or pick a veggie, people will chant it.  This year I caught a ton of lemons and oranges.  No really, 7 cabbages, 5 Onions, 15 mutant carrots, 19 potatoes, and 22 lemons...TWENTY TWO. 

Not my Pic LINK

Don't worry nothing goes to waste.  I literally make a giant pot of veggie soup and share what we can't eat with family and friends not at the parade. Moving on. 

Yesterday was like all the rest. I got the veggies, some tiny bags of chips, and Irish Spring Soap (hahaha).  As the parade was coming to an end, a bag of brown rice landed at my feet...INTACT *what*.  As I turned to pick it up something large wacked me in the back of the head.  It hit me so hard my head flew forward.  At first I was just like...

By the end, my head was throbbing and felt a little...off. 

I probably should not have driven home.  Not because of alcohol...I am fairly certain I had a minor concussion.  By the time I got home I was dizzy, nauseous, and in pain.  I think I am okay now but all day I had a lingering headache and my neck is killing me! 

I am not sure what hit me.  Maybe a pack of beads...maybe a cabbage. 

Whatever it was hurt like a mo-fo.  At least I made it home safe.  Death by cabbage, is not something I want on my tombstone.

Lesson - NEVER LOOK AWAY FROM A FLOAT. I am a local...I should know better....

Only the good die young

Okay that's a tad dramatic but this is my first real experience with a childhood crush passing.  I am not terribly old but I am a bit younger than Luke Perry.  With that said, I had teensy...tiny...crush on him back in the day.  He was Dylan!  He was Pike! More recently, he was Fred Andrews!  My point is he meant something to me and was close enough in age. 

I watched 90210...well when I got a little older..maybe. When it first came out I was kinda young for the content BUT I still watched *shhh don't tell mom*.   I, like every other girl around, had a crush on Dylan and Brandon.

Side Note - I love seeing Jason Priestley on TV again.  Its not a bad show, check it out "Private Eyes".  

Anyways this is about Luke.   This is about a cute older actor that I totes had a crush on.  Yea, I had posters of him, yes I fangirled when I saw him on TV, YES I WAS AT BACCHUS SCREAMING LIKE AN IDIOT IN 2000. 

He wasn't that much older than me.  Well a bit but still young enough.  When I saw he had a stroke I couldn't believe it.  When I got the news alert today that he passed, I was in shock.  This cannot be.  He is 52 years old!  He is 5 years older than my current celeb fav. This.can.not.be!

I know I have dealt with my idols being lost in recent years but this isn't really an idol.  This was different.  He is close enough in age to me to freak me out.  This isn't a drug over dose or freak accident.  He had a stroke!  A stroke...at 52.  My heart is broken...especially for his family...his friends...and his fans. 

He seemed like a decent guy.  He was a good actor.  He was one of my 90's crushes.

He was Dylan...DYLAN!  Everyone's favorite bad boy.

Also, I truly did like him as Pike.  The movie was cheesy as hell but it fueled my nerdy little future even more.  I love horror, always have, but a teenage, valley girl, cheerleader VAMIPRE SLAYER...what is happening!?!??!  Teenage heart throb and vampires (NOT TWILIGHT!) Best thing EVER! 

I am so sad this has happened.  R.I.P. kind sir.  You are gone from this world way too soon. 

Crying wolf is not okay

Why do people think this is okay?  You can’t cry wolf for every little thing!!!  Don’t you know the story??? Basically,  Kid screams wolf all the time when there isn’t a wolf. People become numb to it and when there actually is a f**king wolf, no one believes him!

Not everything is an emergency.  How the hell am I supposed to know when it’s real or not?!  I hate hate hate games.  I hate wasting my time on stupid $hit. I hate looking crazy because you are crazy!

If you tell me an animal hasn’t eaten in 24-48 hrs and isn’t moving much, I’m jumping into action.  I’m looking for vets.  I’m looking for best possible routes.  I’m looking for a solution!  So when you say “oh just kidding he’s walking around now” I am going to be an @$$hole to you.  Do not be shocked by this!

I’ve just wasted an hour...MY LUNCH HOUR... trying to help you and it was all because...why?  You made it sound like the thing was on its death bed and I am over here wondering wtf you are doing calling me!  So yea, I’m mad.  Yea I’m pissy.  Yea I am being a b**ch.  Next time I won’t jump to help.  And next time it could be serious.

Why am I the f**king only adult here?!?  You are 30 yrs my senior, quit acting like a spoiled clueless damsel in distress.  Put your big girl panties on and use the small computer in your pocket and do something!!!

I’m done.  I hate people.  I’m going back to work.

Count your blessings!

Alright, its that time of year where we see all of our "lovely" family.  And can I say...I feel like a busted can of biscuits compared to most.  I'm not far per se but I am not in shape. Things are popping out where they aren't supposed to.

With that said I've been around friends and family that look AMAZING.  They are slim and trim and not busting out like I am.  Well I say like I am.  Let me be clear.  I still am small.  Like way smaller than most but I am not as fit as before.  As in I am a bit...um...soft. 

It's a bit annoying.  I am NOT the inactive...soft type.  But then I took a step back.  The ones that are...more fit.  They are the ones that are divorced...separated...not in any type of relationship or "real" job.  They aren't stable.

I don't wish ill on anyone but that really puts things in perspective.  I have an AMAZING husband, beautiful friends, and supportive family.  Yea I am not in the shape I used to be in.  I am 100% certain I may be in SIGNIFICANT pain for the LA half but...I am happy. 

That means something right?  I have the great hubby.  I have the good job.  I have a really good life.   It's not always perfect but its mine. 

Anyways point being...yea they look good because they are working out to meet a new beau but I look like me.  I am 100% going to start running more.  But for me, not for anyone else.  I could be jealous but I'm not.  I wouldn't trade my squishy@$$ with an awesome home life for their rock hard abs but no one to go home to. 

That sounds really judge-y but I honestly don't mean it to  be.  I mean it more as a "the grass isn't always greener".  That's what I see.  Yea they look great but the CRAP they are dealing with isn't great. I hope it gets better for them...seriously I do.

So off I go to try and be a better me but not at the cost of my really good life. 

Peace out peeps!  Be happy with you.  Be happy with what you have.  Happy New Year my lovelies and don't forget to see what you have and stop stressing about what you don't. 

I think I lost a nipple

In recent travels I started writing on the opaque shower walls.  Like once it’s steamed up I write “I know what you did”, “your husband knows”, or just “I know”.  You might says it’s pointless because they clean after every guest...true but I feel there is a height limit to the shower cleaning....like above the head, it’s good unless noticeably dirty.

Anyways, I am currently on a getaway trip with the sig other.  We have this....shower.  It’s super nice. Big enough for four 😳 with two wall shower heads and a rainfall head above.  The problem....the water temp is either Loki’s nipple or Hades hot tub....there is no in between!  So I either 

or

.....looks like I’m losing skin this trip.

Not to mention, for a five star hotel, the water takes FOREVER to warm up! Once it got to Dante’s inferno I realized only one head was working.

After fiddling with a knob, the rainfall started but it was freezing cold *shrill scream*. I stepped in once it was around the surface of the sun.

But why is that other wall just dribbling...?

FINE I only need two heads!

After my skin adjusted to the boiling waters of hell, I began to enjoy my multi head shower.

I was bent over shaving a leg when that stupid third head decided to join in the fun. By sending a powerful blast of ice water straight at my tatas.

The spray was coming out so hard it covered the entire shower area.  Opening the door would have soaked the bathroom.  I finally plastered myself against the opposite wall and tried to turn it off. 

Every direction I turned the knobs just adjusted the two original heads.  This mutant shower head was unaffected. 

It eventually warmed up to cooling lava but the stream was so strong it exfoliated...well everything and I was still covered in soap.

I did my best impression of a speed showerer and somehow managed to finally turn off the water.

I have no idea what happened but looking at the head, I think a piece popped out that controls the intensity of the water.  I’m now bright red, half shaved, with a knotted mess of hair...but hey, at least I’m clean....

Accidental Crotchless Panties

Can I get a do over?!?!?

It was raining cats and dogs when I woke up.  I had somewhere to be for work but the hubs was still sleeping.  This meant I got dressed in very limited lighting.  After a harrowing drive to the office I needed some serious caffeine and a potty. Potty first...

In my non caffeinated stupor I almost missed the tiny tear in my undies.  "Hmmm that's odd". It was about a half inch across near the crotch area.  "These are brand new, wtf?!?!?!"  It looked like someone took a scissor to them!  I have so many questions....

A little while later I went back to potty "OMG its bigger!!!" 

Drank a little too much caffeine.... "JFC its almost halfway across now!!!!"

Went to lunch, came back... "Sweet Baby Jesus this B**ch is hanging by a thread!" 

Had a mini meeting...I am talking in front of people ...when suddenly I feel a tickle...in my nether regions.

This can't be happening.... "no...no no no no no.....oh my god..."

There was a definite change in temperature.  I could hardly focus on anything but the fact that my f**king thong snapped and was now nothing more than a really sad loin cloth that barely covered...ANYTHING.  Must continue...

Why do people think going commando is sexy?!?!?  I don't find it sexy...its weird...and a little drafty!!!!

Can I get a redo?

I swear I wasn't watching ... that!

So a recent lovely Sunday I was being a lazy $hit doing nothing.  I was hanging out doing one of my fav things to do in October.....WATCH HORROR MOVIES!!!!

Since my house is decorated as a mini house of horrors its only fitting, right?!  Well during my "me" time someone rang my doorbell.  "Hmmmm, who could that be...?"  I decided to ignore it, I'm busy.  They rang it again... "Ugh fine!"  

I opened the door to the most adorable little boy.  He was in his cub scouts uniform, he had glasses, and he was so freaking nervous.  As soon as I walked out he started reading from a sheet of paper, "hello, my name is _____.  I am with troop ____.  I am selling popcorn.  Would you help my troop, please?" *looks up with the most adorable grin ever*  

Me *thinking* fuuuuuck how can I say no to that?!?!?! *said* of course sugar!

I go inside to get my money and come back.  I left the door partially open because I had the psycho barkers penned up (I had an extra for the day so there were 3).  They were losing their $HIT barking the whole time.  As I am filling out the form, the pups got silent.  And all you could hear what I was watching....

*moaning*
*screams*

Me: I'm watching a scary movie.

*skin slapping*, *more moaning*

*blood curdling scream*

*knocking* "No stop, let me out, let me out!!!!" 

Me: *ah hem* Here's my money *nervous grin*

Kid: Thanks miss!!! I'll deliver it when we get it.
Dad: *suspicious stare* Um thanks...have a...good day...?

Me: Bye!!! *sounds of a murder* Have a great day! *waving*

I feel like dad thinks I was watching a porno...I was not but sometimes there is a fine line between porn and horror.