No one better ever say "you don't understand, you don't have kids" to me again!

Because let me learn you something.  You see pets are similar to kids.  Actually they are kids, just with fur.  They can't tell you whats wrong and then they vomit in your lap.  And you can't do anything to comfort them, just clean up...take them to the vet if necessary and hope they get better. 

We had another "Oh my God what is that?!?!!?" starting at 5AM yesterday and it got more and more insane from that point forward.  We were awakened by convict getting sick (dogs vomit, not concerning)...and Speedy promptly trying to help him clean it, "Ahhhhh *gag* stop stop stop stop stop!!!!".  Then maybe two hours later both yacked up "stuff"  in the yard.  Eventually both were fine, they ate breakfast, still seemed fine.  We left. 

We returned (gone maybe 4 hours).  I opened the side door, turned around and looked at the hubs and said "something...um, something is wrong...it smells REALLY bad in here".  We walked into the living area trying to breathe as shallow as possible...only to find Convict...still in his kennel...no pan...in the foyer (which is at least 20 feet out of the office and around a corner)...surrounded by $hit & vomit.  "If I wasn't so grossed out, I'd be impressed".  We let him out, only to realize he had somehow MANGLED the door to the kennel, WTF?!?  He bent the wires!!!!

As we set to the task of cleaning the 2nd $hitstorm of 2015 we marveled at how he did what he did.  There were minimal marks on the walls, he had almost no excrement on him, and aside from being grossed out seemed fine.  As the night progressed we realized he was not fine and we took him to the vet.  An emergency vet visit and a bunch of fluids later and he looked like he was gonna be okay but we weren't getting to bed before midnight. 

Fast forward to 3AM, I slowly woke up from the strangest dream.  I was stuck in a maze and if I took a wrong turn it got stinky, but if I took a correct turn it smelled better.  The further I got into the maze the less not stinky it got.  I opened my eyes and gagged!  I don't have a bad gag reflex but this was PUTRID.  I saw speedy attacking his butt, some string or something was poking out.  He was having an issue...I got up to turn on the light and slipped, "OMG ahhhhhhhhh".  He had explosive...you know...and it was everywhere.  We got a towel and helped him...then set to the task of cleaning and mopping the floor...did I mention it was 3AM?!!??!  Then convict threw up water and I realized we forgot to pick up the dishes and he wasn't supposed to have ANYTHING till morning, "well $hit!".  From then on, every 30 minutes or so one of them woke us up.  At 6AM the rest of whatever was in Speedy's @$$ came out and he promptly ran around the house excited and barking...clearly he was going to be A-OK *fingers crossed*. 

It is now 10AM, I am running on maybe 2 hours of sleep, MAYBE.  Speedy still good...Convict not feeling well at all.  He's old...we are worried. 

Moral of the story, just like kids, Dogs will put ANYTHING in their mouths, REGARDLESS of age.  I watch them very closely but even my watchful eye missed something.   It is clear to me they got into SOMETHING!  We just can't figure out what (hopefully one of our @$$hole neighbors didn't do anything stupid).  Second moral of the story, I am their momma.  So I am home with them because 1) I work for an amazing company that lets me work from home and 2) I couldn't leave them...they seemed so sad!

So now I am sitting here working...watching...comforting as much as I can....while the rancid smell burned into my nostrils makes me nauseous.  Seriously, we scrubbed every inch of floor and lower walls in our house and it still smells like a Pot-O-Gold up in this b**ch! So don't tell me I don't understand because I don't have kids!  I understand...it sucks...you feel helpless and guilty and hurt for them.  If I feel like this with my pups, me+sick child could be interesting. 

Sugar, your problems do not make you a princess...I'll not bow down to ya. We aaaaaaaaaaaaall have problems, get over yourself!

Okay that seems harsh.  It is not that I don't care about other peoples issues (as stated we all have them).  I get annoyed when people act like an @$$ for no apparent reason and expect you to grovel at their feet, begging for an explanation because they have an issue that you are unaware of.

Me: Good morning *smile*, what happened yesterday when I was out?
Person: *dramatic sigh* it was normal *moves to the other side of the coffee room and is quiet*
Me: Okaaaaay. . .*raised eyebrow* just wondering because my phone barely rang
Person: *unnecessarily aggressive* I said it was normal! *storms out of the coffee room*
Me: *stirring my coffee* WTF was that about?!?!

Sorry "your majesty" but what the hell is your childhood trauma?!?!? I am not sure when in the 10 minutes I've been here that I managed to piss them off so royally but I clearly did.  The thing I now know (through years of experience) is that it has NOTHING to do with me...at least I am fairly certain it has nothing to do with me.  This person will have a personal issue(s) and then takes it out on everyone at work.  They give us all the silent treatment, clipped answers, close (slam) their office door, rude to customers, etc.  It's extremely immature and 100% unprofessional.  Then if you don't ask "awe pauvre bête, what's wrong???" in a timely manner (I've no idea what that time frame is...its hit or miss), you become the focus of their anger and the actions mentioned above are exaggerated tenfold.  

I don't understand.  If it isn't work related, leave it at home.  Of course we can't shut out everything once we get to work but at least try to remember you are a "professional" and act like one.  I have no "power" over this person so I can't do much about it.  And we aren't talking newbie, just out of college, doesn't understand office etiquette.  We are talking 20+ years experience and a bit older than me.  I am not going to coddle you because you lash out at me over something I have NOTHING to do with.  I am not here to do that...you want to be coddled go home to your spouse...if its their fault you are so pissy get a lover (just kidding don't do that).  Or act like a normal f**king human being and come out with it.  You obviously want to "talk" about it or you wouldn't be showing  your @$$ so come on then, spit it out or stop being a tw@t.

My point is we all have problems, I'm not diminishing the severity of theirs and I am not in a pissing contest over whose personal life sucks more at this point in time.  Put on your big girl panties and get on with it.

NOTE: I asked what was wrong about 2 hours later and was told with a very FORCED smile, "*sigh* nothing, everything is...fine *slowly walks away*."  OMG, just stahp!!!

What the f**k, Over...

So I got something in the mail today.  Something that is supposed to be worn around your midsection.  Something that is Made in China and has this f**king warning on it!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

So you are telling me this product which is basically a running accessory that sits over your abdomen may cause Cancer, Birth Defects, and/or other REPRODUCTIVE harm.  What the actual f**k?!?!  Are you serious?!?!  Why is this allowed to be sold?!?!?! Does it like absorb through your skin as you sweat?!?!

Clearly someone filed a lawsuit (as stated by my friend), otherwise this warning wouldn't exist but as a female who would like to have children, THAT is terrifying!!! Even if there is a remote possibility that the materials in this thing can cause CANCER, I would think maybe it should be revamped or, oh I dunno, not sold.

Of course ciggies cause cancer and they are still sold so I guess that is a dumb question but I'm not ingesting anything or rubbing it on my skin with the intention of absorption so geesh!  Its a f**king fancy fanny pack!

Nothing is safe anymore, maybe I SHOULD become a hermit!

UPDATE: Just read the proposition...its confusing but I understand, I think.  Not a lawsuit but since they do business in CA they must report any use of chems listed in this proposition to warn consumers of what they are buying.  It included pesticides and dyes...I am wondering if its the Dye...

God, I feel like a broken record

How do people not realize their actions affect others???  How do PARENTS not realize their words shape their kids, sometimes more than their actions?!?!

As weird as my childhood was, I will give it to my parents, they really did allow me to try everything at least once.  I was tiny and "weak" but I tried out for EVERY sport, cheer leading, dancing, theater, choir, etc. until I found something I liked.  They never once told me things like "oh honey, you are too little for basketball".  Because you know what, I might have been a few inches shorter than most of my classmates BUT I could shoot the ball like no ones business.  Did I make the teams?  No, not all of them but I kept trying until I figured out what I was good at.  It ended up being dancing/choir.  That is where I excelled.  I was okay at some of the other stuff (soccer/cheering/gymnastics) but I was better at those two.  And my parents made me pick two things.  You can't do everything so pick what you enjoy most.  My point is, I never gave up and my parents never tried to stop me. They supported me, knowing I just needed to find my niche.  It didn't break my confidence, it made me more determined.

With that said I wanted to cry/scream the other day after hearing an exchange between a mom and daughter.  The little one couldn't have been more than 7.

Lil Bit:  *twirling around* Mom, when do I go back to gymnastics???
Mom: *uncertain* Well we didn't sign you up, but I guess we can...
Lil Bit: *excited* Well maybe I could do ballet instead!!!
Mom: *condescending* Honey, you have never danced a day in your life!
Lil Bit: *still excited* But I could try, I want to try dancing school *still twirling*
Mom: *sighing* Look, you aren't built like a gymnast or a dancer.  Those girls are expected to be tiny and you just aren't.  You are tall and a little thicker than those girls and you have big feet. You wouldn't do well in it.
Me: *staring with mouth open* 
Me: *quickly trying to hide my displeasure with this conversation*
Lil Bit: *looks crushed* But *insert names of 4 friends* are in dancing and about my size.
Mom:  Well their moms should have thought that through
Me: *mortified*
Mom: Now no more talk about things we can't do, okay *hugs kid*
Lil Bit: *unshed tears* Okay mom *walks away*
Me: *carefully speaking because I am always reminded I don't understand because I have no kids* Ummm, maybe she could try dancing school. . .
Mom: No, I don't want her disappointed when she fails
Me: *stupid stare*

What the hell?!!?!?  Why would you do that to your daughter?!!?!?  It's dancing school.  There isn't a try out...you just sign up!!!!  Telling her she CAN'T do something because of her body type...she is f**king 7!!!  You are going to give her body image issues!!!  FYI, she isn't big either.  Yea, she is a little tall for her age but she isn't BIG.  Not that it should matter but my point is, OMG!  She is already at a disadvantage in life because she is a girl because our society SUCKS! It is true, don't try to tell me different.  She needs all the self assurance she can get.  But cutting her down without letting her try...just assuming she would fail...you are a female, you KNOW how hard it is.  I can't form proper sentences to describe how awful this is!   This isn't protecting her...this will cause way more harm than good.  She will forever think she can't do things because she isn't built like everyone else!  JFC you are supposed to teach her to embrace her body not to feel self conscious about something she can't change!

Special kind of stupid

Is that like the "...special level of hell. A level they reserve for child molesters and people who talk at the theater"?  For some reason I feel like saying you are a "special kind of stupid" is way more insulting than yelling "Hey dumb@$$". 

Moving on...I saw this...this is what brought on that random thought

And while it makes me feel a bit old, it is kind of true.  I remember watching OLD Looney Tunes cartoons (I say old because by the time I saw them, some had been out for 40+ years) but I don't remember ever thinking "Hey, let me go light a STICK OF DYNAMITE (or firecracker) by my friend here *LOL*".  My momma taught me better than that, just sayin'. Apparently even by the time I saw them they were severely edited (toooooo much violence and racial issues).  Well it says that in the Wiki Bio but I clearly remember charterers depicting stereotypes (American Indians, Speedy Gonzales, etc) and every scene with Wile E. Coyote was fairly violent *drops an anvil on his own head*. 

Point being I don't think what was shown really affected my young mind.  I didn't want to become violent nor did I think all Mexican's ran around saying "Andale, andale, arriba, arriba".  Not saying they are appropriate but I still had the mental capacity (even at a young age) to know it was just a cartoon...entertainment...it wasn't teaching me life lessons.  It just seems like as the years go by we become more dependent on OTHER people to tell us "hey that's a bad idea" rather than having the intelligence to know "Oh $hit, this is a bad idea" and not do it.  Don't get me wrong, I did STUPID $hit as a kid but I KNEW it was stupid and did it anyway.  And I usually got my @$$ beat for doing it (if we got caught) and we NEVER did it again.  But it wasn't "blowing people up" or "hitting them with a frying pan".  It was leaving the neighborhood when I said I was going around the corner or jumping out of a tree into a pool.  Not my best moments but as I did them I was like "oh crap, I'ma be in SOOOOOOOOOOOOO much trouble if I get caught".  But in my head it was a calculated risk.  Will the fun outweigh the consequence.  If yes, continue...if no..DON'T.  Also, there was a factor of, how high is the possibility of injury...if too high "abort, abort".  Point is kids will do stupid $hit without cartoons, it is up to us to keep them in line.  Maybe its a parenting thing.  Maybe they are relying too much on the TV and "others" to teach their spawn instead of actually teaching them, themselves...I dunno. 

For instance, I read somewhere someone DRANK an entire bottle of hair product because it "smelled" like food and he was hungry.  He was hospitalized for toxicity or something.  Not a kid...a grown @$$ person (like in his 20's) who as far as we could tell had no mental issues and wasn't high (I mean it's possible but the news outlet didn't say that and I am pretty sure that would have been mentioned).  And all I could think was "you, you are the reason we have warning labels on shampoo bottles".  It's like common sense has become a special "gift" that not everyone has and I am not sure how it happened but I want to know how to fix it.  I hope IF I have kids I am able to teach them to THINK things through on their own (the key word there is THINK).

Side Note:  I'm not picking on Looney Tunes, they are the ones depicted.

Stop being an @$$hole *drops mic*

This is a RANT, I just have to get this out before I explode....you have been warned.

No but really, I don't understand the need to be a prick just for the sake of being a prick.  I get that we all have bad days but lately I have been witness to ADULTS treating children, their adult kids, other adults, etc poorly and then blaming it on something else (that happened a LOOOONG time ago).  What is sad...this is more than one adult.  Having one do any of this is bad enough but I've been exposed to THREE!

I try to remove myself from drama, its why I live 30+ min away from everyone.  I could move closer but every time I consider it, BS like this happens and I am like, I don't need this crap.  As much as I try to be drama free I get sucked into it from time to time.  The difference between myself and others that were sucked in is I am going to give you options on how to fix it.  If you have been b**ching about the SAME THING for the last 'x' number of years I am going to get real with you and tell you it is time to STOP!  If you are using something that happened more than 5 minutes ago as an excuse to be a twat to everyone, I am going to loud cap you next time you say something in front of me.  Not because I am an @$$hole...because I am going to protect the people I care about from your toxic behavior since I have now been dragged into this nonsense.  But you won't say that in front of me because you only ever do this in small groups and I am never "alone" with you.  You are a coward...you attack women when no one else is around to defend them or hear how f**ked up you actually are. 

Let me reiterate that I hate when people take out their aggressions on others.  I am sorry that your life went to $hit but 99% of the time the person you are ripping apart had nothing to do with that and you are just pouring your anger into them because they are there.  NOT COOL!  Ever!  If it happens once, I will forgive it but if it happens repeatedly with the same person(s), you my dear are a bully and I have lost respect for you.  When my little one calls me crying because you verbally abused them, I see red and sorry but once that happens it will be very hard for me to forget.  I am the type that I take $hit up until a point but once I am past it, I am done.  So let me say that if a person knows certain things bother one of my littles and they continue to use those things to purposefully hurt them, I am going to expose their shenanigans to everyone.  Using the 'n' word and the 'f' word (not f**k) to describe anyone is 100% NEVER acceptable.  And if those words make someone uncomfortable you do not have the right to call them a 'n' lover or 'f' hag.  WTF is wrong with you?!?!?!  That is bigotry at its finest.  "If you don't look like me or think like me, you are not as good as me." It is 2015 STOP IT!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

On another note...just because you have a d**k doesn't mean you are better than me (a person sans d**k).  It drives me spare when "men" dismiss me or my littles because we are women.  My "littles" are adults, just younger than myself, FYI. And when I hear about one of our trusted "men" trying to control them or belittle them, I want to punch things.  Mainly things between their legs because god I just want to cause them pain at this point (I know, I know bad but I wont actually do it because I am a sane individual).  It kills me further when other "adults" (including other females!!!) feed these men's aggression by agreeing with them and ostracizing myself and my littles based on what a twat booger said.  Group think at its finest.  This is where I come in.  This is where we have a "come to Jesus" talk because I am 1000% done with this bull$hit.  Abuse is not just physical hands on a person.  It is verbal, mental, emotional.  If you purposefully cause HARM to another person just for the f**k of it, that is abuse!

It is not okay to call me or anyone else "names" like c**t, etc because we don't agree with you.  So a woman hurt you (and in a couple of these cases, she did, I get that, she was a royal B) BUT that does NOT give you free reign to attack all females around you.  Also, it happened years ago.  It is time to move on.  You can't blame your anger towards us on that anymore.  You have had more than a decade (in some cases THREE decades) to fix this, yet we still hear the same broken record excuse every time, "You can't get mad at him.  Think of what he's been through." NO!  I don't f**king care anymore.  Just because they had a bad run a few years ago doesn't give them the right to flip out on other people or try to control them.  You don't get to tell me (or anyone else) what to do or how to feel, sorry (not sorry). If you want to wallow in angry self pity fine but leave us out of it!

The "definition" of crazy is doing the same thing over and over, expecting a different outcome.  If someone TRULY wanted to move passed all this nonsense they would have done it by now.  This extended DRAMA is 100% their own creation and I do NOT feel sorry for them anymore.  How do you live like that?!?!  It can't be good for you to harbor so much anger and aggression for THAT long.  I feel sorry for (empathize with) people of course but you have to fix things for yourself.  YOU have to break the cycle.  If you don't it just keeps happening over and over and over.

I guess some people feed off of drama.  They thrive on it.  I despise it. If I have a problem, I fix it, if I can't fix it, I stop b**ching about it until I can fix it.  It does me no good to dwell on things that are out of my control and I sure as hell wont continually attack someone else because my life is in the $hitter.

And yes I would say this and have said some of this face to face.

Rant Over.

Side Note: If you threaten my fur babies I will become defensive...you do NOT threaten them...EVER...if you hurt my fur babies...I can't express what will happen to you but it won't be pleasant.  It might involve paper cuts, salt, and lemon juice. 

Your momma failed you sugar

If you were never taught that saying "when are you expecting" or "how far along are you" or something of that nature is a big no no, she failed you.  NEVER...EVER assume a woman with a pooch is prego.  Unless you know with 100% certainty say nothing...it is safer.

Case in point.  I had on a dress (not even that tight but slightly fitted)...mind you as I've stated before...I am fairly small.  Not skinny but tiny none the less.  I heard a *ding*, someone at the front desk.  Well I was all alone and went to see who was here. 

Not a customer...not a vendor...some poor lost person who had no idea where they were.  I helped them with some directions and was ready to send them on their way when they decided it was time for a chat.  I was just finishing up the directions when this happened:

Person: Is that your first?
Me: *completely oblivious* *still writing* Hmmmm?  No people get lost around here all the time.
Person: No, I meant child *pointing at me*
Me: *slowly raises head* Ummmm what? *looking down* Yeeeeaaaa no...I just ate lunch...
Person:  *getting nervous* Oh I...I just assumed...I'm, I'm sorry...
Me:  *raised eyebrow* Soooo anyway, here are the directions...uh good luck
Person: *stumbling over words*  I'm really....I didn't mean...
Me: *sigh* Please just go.  Have a great day *fake smile*
Person: *dejectedly walking away because I didn't accept their lame apology*


I'm not normally rude BUT I refuse to be like "oh honey its okay...honest mistake." No!  You are a jerk!  You basically just called me fat because I had a pooch!  It wasn't like a f**king beer belly, it was literally just slightly distended because I'd just finished a bowl of f**king pasta.  It went away in like 20 minutes.  I didn't overeat, it just doesn't have anywhere to hide while digesting...I am not that f**king big.  On top of that, it's that time where my tummy is puffy anyways (have I mentioned I hate being female sometimes?!?!) so it was a little more exaggerated than normal.  That still gives you zero excuse for assuming there was a baby in there.  One, none of your f**king business...you literally just stumbled upon my office...I do not KNOW you!  Two, even if I did semi-know you...still none of your f**king business UNLESS I tell you.  Just saying.  Quit being rude!