STAY THE F**K HOME!!!

Unless you are an essential worker.  In that case, you are my f**king hero and I don't know how we can every ever repay you for what you are doing to keep us healthy, fed, safe, etc during this INSANITY.

Also, in case you are actually 100% uneducated...just because your area doesn't have any/many reported cases yet DOESN'T MEAN JACK $HIT!  We had zero cases and now we are off the charts.  Take the f**king precautions NOW!  Pretend like everyone you meet is infected.  That way the few cases you do have don't explode into this Bull$hit happening around me.  I am now "locked" in until after my Birthday and am going to need copious amounts of wine/whiskey at some point. 

Note - Screw all you dip$hits that went party for St Paddy's Day AFTER they told us not to.  And the ding dongs that had a second line or crawfish boil this past weekend.  You are part of the problem and should be sterilized.

So in conclusion....STAY HOME!  Oh and wash your f**king hands you nasty creatures.

Rant Over......I need a drink.

I will never understand humanity/group think

Why oh why can't people just LISTEN!?!  I've been MIA because I don't know what to say.  But now as the $hit is literally hitting the fan, I don't know what to do with myself.

I am scared, honest to God scared.  This is serious and there are f**ktards out there still going on Spring Break, Still having parties, still pretending things are okay. Well newsflash they ARE NOT OKAY.   

COVID-19 is not a joke.  I've made my fair share of jokes but I 100% believe this is serious.   And now we are under lockdown.  Mainly because people can't freaking listen.  Our hospitals are basically overwhelmed.  And while it is possible I would be fine if I caught it, people I love may not be.  I am scared for my friends and family in medical.  For my family and friends who are older.  For my family and friends who are high risk.  I am scared!

And not to cause any additional panic but so should you!  Regardless of your beliefs, political or otherwise...I can't believe the government would intentionally tank the economy for something that isn't serious.  Whole Industries are disappearing overnight.  People are being laid off.  People are losing their sources of income.  People are DYING! And what are the masses doing?  Hoarding f**king Toilet Paper and tampons!!!!

This is a rambling jumble of thoughts but I am at a loss.  I am scared and I hate it.  I don't want my parents going to the store for fear they will DIE!  Do you idiots out there understand that???  Gen Z or whatever the college age people are who still went on spring break.  Or what about those "rich folks" from infected areas who went to their vacation homes and spread the virus to remote areas.  Or those parents who see school being out as a time to go on vacay. STOP THE INSANITY!

I'm going to bed now.  I'm going to try to sleep.  But I don't know if I will because all I can f**king think about is me and/or my husband losing our jobs because MY ENTIRE F**KING STATE IS LOCKED DOWN!

Can't we use some common sense???
Stop hoarding $hit!
STAY THE F**K HOME! 
If you just buy what you would normally buy, there would be no empty shelves. 
Flatten the f**king curve!
Seriously, why the hell do you need 200 rolls of TP????  This virus doesn't make you $hit yourself to death! 
Wash your hands! 
You know if I can't buy soap/hand sani that makes you more vulnerable because I can't be as clean....STOP HOARDING!
Don't touch your face! 
No one needs 32 loaves of bread, come on people!!!!
Did I mention STAY THE F**K HOME!

Wear a "condom", you don't want Nature Herpes!

Just kidding. Maybe. Almost.

So the sig other was leaving for a last minute work trip.  The night before I was in a mood.  I was annoyed and being petty.  I grumpily did things while he packed.  One of those things involved opening a toy for the cats.  I don't know why but I took that moment to open the damn toy.

I was using a scissors to pop a zip tie.  Again I was pissy so I may have used more force than I realized.  The scissor slipped...ACROSS MY THUMB.

Series of Events that happened in less than 5 seconds:

I yipped
I dropped everything
I grabbed my thumb
I darted to my bedroom
I hear "are you okay"
YES!

About this time the pain receptors kicked in and I fell to my knees before I got to my bathroom sink.

My medical crew arrived to investigate.  This is when I realized I was crying because two dogs and two cats were trying to lick my face and my hand.  They were very concerned.

I feared looking at my hand based on the pulse I could feel in my injured thumb.

I shakily stood and took a peek.  The second I removed the pressure blood just poured out.  f**k f**k f**k!!!

I ran it under cold water and bent over to breathe and call for help.  "okay I am NOT okaY".

In his most caring voice, said "you need to put peroxide on it, water wont help"... "Oh f**k you very much" AHHHHHH.  So yea, I guess I deserved the attitude after my pissy mood all night but I almost sliced off my thumb can I get a little sympathy?!?!?

I probably needed stitches, it would not stop bleeding!!!!  I could see where the scissor went DEEP under the skin and down part of my nail.  But it was midnight and Health Insurance co-pays for ER Visits suck so I cleaned the $hit out of it, put Neosporin on it, and wrapped it 

That Mo**er F**ker THROBBED ALL NIGHT.  I couldn't sleep.  Every time I moved I hit it and woke up.  I had to bandage it for 3 days....it would start bleeding otherwise every time I touched it.

So why Nature Herpes you ask?  Well because right after, I did a run run in the woods woods.  My luck I would fall and get some weird bacteria...I didn't want to get nature herpes so I wore a finger condom.  They exist...and go on JUST LIKE A CONDOM.  Just roll it on and make everyone giggle....

Parade Etiquette - Don't be a Whale Vagina

Okay I've been here but I've been stupid busy.  Anyway, PARADE ETIQUETTE!  I have said this before and I will say it again.  Have some f**king MANNERS when in public.  Would it f**king kill you to act like a decent human while in public?!?!?!  

Just because you aren't from NOLA doesn't mean you are exempt from etiquette.  Actually acting like a tw@t waffle is a great way to get your @$$ kicked by a bunch of locals tired of your $hit.  

Moving on.  Went to a parade...got mad...still had fun...good people prevail!!!!

So there we are EARLY to a parade to claim our spot.  We were behind a barricade, honestly best spot because no one can get in front of you....WRONG!  Well normally yes but not this time.  This time people were literally on top of the marching groups and the "chaperones" were f**king failing at their jobs.  Be aggressive!  You have the right per your stupid little badge.  Tell those Mother F**kers to GET BACK TO THE SIDEWALK!  

Whatever, they failed and we got irritated.  Mainly because we were there for a while when suddenly the parade gets to us and people just stood....IN FRONT OF THE BARRICADE! The 1st few we all mouthed off to, sheepishly moved...good girls and boys.  But then there was this "family".  Two ladies, one man and a VERY small child.  

They stood right in front of us.  AND WOULDN'T MOVE!  After a 10 min pissing fight we all said f**k the barricade because it clearly doesn't matter and moved to the front of the STUPID crowd.  Well all the peeps behind the barricade who moved were now all besties with a singular cause.  F**k with the piece of $hit family.  

Now I am not (nor were the people around me) one to mess with a kid.  They are exempt but I will without a doubt subtly f**k with adults setting a bad example. I made sure that kid got throws and saw all the sights because I am not completely heartless.  

As I walked around said barricade a lady next to me said something unkind but true about the $hitheads in front of us. All I did was nod.  The psycho B**ch (mom or aunt, not sure) spins around and screams in my face "WE HAVE A F**KING 5 YEAR OLD!!!!!!" (ok...now all bets of me being nice are off) to which I replied calmly (while leaning back) "and you are setting a great example on how to be a C**t." 

Apparently this was unexpected because she gasped walked away.  They were acting like a bunch of High/Drunk high school kids but they were 30+ AND HAD A KID WITH THEM!!!!!!!!!! Mind you it is late (well after 9 PM).  A 5 year old should not be in or near the FRENCH QUARTER at this time.  So an unspoken thing happened. All of the adults who were DONE with their $hit, start dropping every subtle curse word/inappropriate word you could imagine along with HIGHLY inappropriate stories...some about the adults with said kid.  Basically the crowd made the ADULTS so uncomfortable they left.  Was is mature no, but sometimes dickheads need to be put in their place. The kid had no idea what was happening...he was FIVE (apparently) and was just smiling and having fun.

Moral of the story is if you set a bad example and act like a f**k nugget people will band together to publicly shame you.  Like I said, Kid had no idea what was happening, he was focused on the parade.  But the parents or whoever they were....realized they messed up and left...victory is ours!!!  Although, I do feel bad for the kid but not bad enough to give in. 

I don't give a flying f**k if you have kids or not, that does NOT give you the "right" to be an @$$.  You want a "front row" spot for the little one...get there early!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!  Or at least be nice about it and ask.  Had they said hey he can't see can he get here, TOTALLY DIFFERENT. 

Y'all Nasty!

I am so over people who have ZERO manners.  If there is one thing I need you parents (guardians, Awesome Aunties, etc) to teach your crotch goblins is to always cover their mouth/nose when they sneeze/cough!!! That way they become adults who always cover their mouth/nose when they sneeze/cough.

So far parents at this point are doing an awesome job.  All the littles I see as young as 3ish cover, use an elbow, down the shirt.  But alas the parents of the 70's & 80's you have FAILED US!

I have never seen so many 30, 40, and sometimes 50 somethings that just blow snot everywhere without a care of who is around.  WHAT THE F**K IS WRONG WITH YOU!?!?!?!?

We were in a place with lots and lots of people....kids and adults alike.  And its funk season, I know this.  But 90% the kiddies COVERED THEIR FACES WHEN sneezing or coughing.  Many adults did too but SOOOOO many over 30 year olds...some WAY OVER 30 year olds just shot their funk on everyone near by.

And now I know how the zombie apocalypse starts!

There I was standing in line...minding my own business when suddenly the guy in the line next to me full on sneeze coughed IN MY FACE!  Well the side of my face...STILL! Do you know what a sneeze cough is?  Let me enlighten you...its where you sneeze and cough at the same time spraying anything within 5 feet of you with snot and spit!

Without thinking I yelled ARE YOU Fffffff........I paused thankfully because children where there...and said SERIOUS?!?!!?!??!  He had the right of mind to look ashamed but still.  I told my husband loudly, I think I need to bathe in hand sanitizer....and I did.  In front of him and like 30 other people, I scrubbed down with peppermint scented hand sani...ahhh feel the burn!  The man in front of me asked me to share...and I did.  I think he got hit with some of the spray.  We couldn't go anywhere but wait out the line.  After I was out of line, I went to the bathroom and scrubbed my face and hair. 

Two days later (basic incubation period for a cold/virus) I started to feel a little sniffly.  Day three (the day we flew home) I was miserable and couldn't breath out of my nose.  Day four, my last day of vacay I had to miss an event and literally slept 90% of the day.  Here we are on day five.  I have a sinus funk, am exhausted, and sound like a f**king seal when I cough. 

Conclusion Thanks to some @$$hole I was next to in line the other day, I am pretty sure I have some sort of plague.  Guess I'll be going to the Doctor before my Christmas Party tomorrow...yay....

$1,000 Brick with a side of heart attack....

So you don't know millennial fear until you are backing up your phone to your computer when it tries to suddenly do a software update and THEN your dog yanks the cable out.

It was like the trifecta of f**ked up!!!!  My 'lifeline' to the world was stuck in "restore to factory settings"...

 

Thank God, the backup finished but WTF man?!!?!  Every time I tried to complete the update, it said it couldn't connect to the phone. EEEEEEEEEE!

B**ch was a freaking brick...

It took me 45 min of playing Genius Bar to fix it. 

thank you for giving me enough knowhow to figure it out. 

Finally after force quitting and restarting and doing a naked rain dance it began to update and verify software. 

It FINALLY finished!!!

After a painful 10 minutes of it sitting with less than 10% left I finally took a deep breath and unplugged it. 

I need a freaking Xanax and a shot of tequila. 

Talk about 1st World Problems!!!!

Show us your V!

No no not that one....although thanks 🙊

Wait....On second thought...NM....

So scrolling Facebook and I see this:

I...what...? So I kept watching...I couldn't look away.....

WTF?!?!😂

I'm sure there's a cream for that....

Oooo kinky

Ewwww.....but I mean its summer....

You may need some penicillin.....or unscented soap!!!

Ugh the WORST!

This marketing is SPOT ON.  I legit stopped what I was doing to watch this 😹

BRILLIANT!  Why are we so scared to say the "V" word?!?  Your hoohah needs love too.
Go check 'em out.  They actually have some neat products.  queenvlife.com.