Okay so this is going to be a TMI post. And it isn't about me doing something and getting something stuck in a bad place. Get your mind OUT OF THE GUTTER. If you don't want to read a ridiculous story about a medical thing I had, don't read on. No really...its not gross but it is...well, WEIRD.
You've been warned
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No turning back now
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Wait, you're still here...?!?
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Okay, here goes...
So a few months back my OBGYN (you can still not read on...I'm giving you an out) said I needed to do this other "thing" to investigate my "female issues". He said the name of the procedure and I said bless you. He laughed, see I AM funny. Its called a hysterosalpingogram...yea...yea try saying that five times fast. Hell just try saying it once. He said I could have it done at any x-ray lab place and to just make sure they sent him the results. Okay, sure...no problem.
Well I pride myself on saying big words...sometimes... so to prove I wasn't a complete moron I attempted to say this "word" when I called to schedule it. I failed miserably, struggling like Nemo trying to say anemone, and finally just used the shortened version HSG.
You can look it up for more detail but the gist is it is an x-ray that uses dye injected into your lady parts to make sure things aren't blocked and are of a normal "shape". Okay, that's fine...I've done the intestinal "dye" x-ray thing, years ago...easy peasy. Except this one doesn't involve swallowing anything (obviously) so how do they "inject" the dye. Well I'll tell you...they give you an edited version of a pelvic exam and squirt it in there (and its COLD), no really...I am not kidding.
So how it is supposed to go, 5 minutes tops:
1. You sit there spread eagle and they put a speculum thingy in there...you know for better access.
2. They slide this catheter thing in, with a "balloon" on the end
3. They inflate the balloon
4. They remove something (probably the speculum)
5. The x-ray person steps back
6. You carefully slide up the table
7. They inject the dye
8. You see your lady parts light up on the x-ray screen
9. Fin
How it went for me, not 5 minutes...maybe 20-ish:
1. I sat there spread eagle and he put a speculum thingy in there...you know for better access.
a. He started chatting with me about LSU and other random stuff
b. I responded as nicely as possible being as I was in a very awkward position
2. He slide this catheter thing in, with a "balloon" on the end
3. He inflated the balloon
4. He removed something (probably the speculum)
5. He stepped back
a. x-ray person "Oh no, the balloon deflated", me, "huh?"
b. Steps up, does something down there and it re-inflates
c. Steps back again, "Oh no, it deflated again", me "What tha? *craning my neck trying to look
down*"
d. Steps up, does whatever and it re-inflates
e. Repeat c-d two more times
6. X-ray person "Um, okay. I don't want to have to re-tube you or reschedule so I'm just going to hold this here so it stays inflated....go ahead and slide up the table", me "Ummmmm"
7. I scoot up the table while he has his hand down in my Garden of Eden keeping that stupid balloon inflated. Can I just tell you how weird it is to have someones hand partially in your hoohah, with a tube hanging out like some misplaced tail, as you attempt to "gracefully" slide backwards. And by gracefully I mean not gracefully at all. Think about it though, your legs are bent and there is a breeze and your, thankfully shaved, vag is *waving* "hey look at me" okay maybe she didn't wave.
8. Anyway, he starts the x-ray and injects the dye
9. I see my lady parts light up on the x-ray screen, oh cool
10. "Hmmm your right tube isn't flowing, I'm going to push more dye in" Me: "what, does that me-- ow ow ow ow ow." Mind you I have a high pain tolerance but it felt like someone stabbed me in the side with a f**king icicle. Him: "Sorry, should I stop?" Me: *grunts* "No, no I'm good."
11. "there we go, all clear. Everything looks good. I see no issues but we'll let your doctor have a look see." Yea okay, cool
12. He removes his hand and the tube and the defective balloon. As I am sitting up, "Oh careful when you sit up...the dye has to go somewhere." And I suddenly feel like a wet myself...oh just f**king wonderful.
It also didn't help that the guy looked and sounded like one of the squinterns from Bones...Dr. Oliver Wells. I'm not putting a picture, look him up. His real name is Brian Klugman.
So to sum it up, I had a squintern doppelganger with his hand in a normally very private area chatting my ear off about randomness like it was the most normal thing and injecting me with dye while I had an x-ray...good times....
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