The hills can kiss my @$$!

Right anyway.  This city girl went to the mountains.  Well I say Mountains....apparently they were "foothills" but when you come from under sea level elevation, even a 100 ft hill is a f**king mountain. 

To get there we had to drive through nothing. Like hours where there was farm land, an occasional house, and MAYBE a gas station that looked straight out of an after school special titled "don't stop at the corner shop".  While driving in nowhere USA I saw a hand painted sign that said "Jesus is the reason...FOR LIFE!!!" nailed to a tree in the middle of a forest...nothing to be seen for MILES around until a clearing with a miniature crucifixion. 

We reached some form of civilization and saw a store (I really needed to tee tee).  Joe's One Stop Shop...gas, food, fishing license, notary, 24 hr adult toys, smoke, & vape **Restrooms Available**.  (I made up the name...I don't remember the business name and did not take a pic but I wrote down as much as I could remember as we sped by)

We kept going until I was about to lose control of my bladder.  We stopped at another location that had an OUTHOUSE!  I mean it had electricity and running water but it was out back, all alone, with a pad locked door.  When I flushed water came up from the floor.  When I went wash my hands I realized the elbow pipe was missing and soaked my feet.

When we finally got to the mountains I basically had a coronary in the car.  There is no guardrail and the shoulder is barely the width of me.  "Oh hello there drop off".  It was so steep there were signs telling you to "brake check" before you went any further, just in case.  And other signs telling larger vehicles to use lower gears.  And there were "run off" areas for run away 18-wheelers...Two narrow lanes...THAT'S IT!

I was white-knuckling it the whole 100 miles through that insanity. 

But we made it *whew*.

We were out in the middle of NO WHERE at a hotel in the "mountains".  I mean the closest Walmart was like 80 miles away.  I am pretty sure I heard dueling banjos at least once as we hiked through the wilderness.  

Oh yea and someone saw a 10 point buck less than 30 feet away, a red fox playing off the path, what I think was a small cougar or enormous house cat hanging out in the parking lot...and lots bats...seriously the amount of bats was kind of unnerving. 

Clearly I made it back alive and it was GORGEOUS but I've come to the conclusion that although I love the outdoors, I'd rather be at or near sea level... 

Or maybe space...I think I could do space

What's wrong with you?!?!!? Bzzzzzzz!

Link

No but really....really...WTF People?!?!?!

LINK

This cannot be real!  Why would you want to lounge on a f**king cucaracha?!?!?! Staaaaahp!  No just no just nononononononononono!  F**k that...f**k the person who made this...just f**k it all! 

I would see that f**king thing laying on the beach and think we were being invaded. Call Men in Black, we've got a bug!  

I'd probably run away screaming and crying while my husband laughed...

...just kidding.  He'd probably sacrifice me to the giant *shudder* bug and run for his life. 

He's awesome like that...

In case you want one go here.  But I don't think you should buy one.  Because 1) EWWWWWWW and 2) You'd be indirectly responsible for my future insanity.  So DON'T DO IT!

You want to know why I hate watching the news?

Because every time I turn it on some f**k nugget kills a bunch of innocent people.  Whether its a bomb, a vehicle crashing into a crowd, a plane into a building, mass shootings...shall I keep going?

Its sick!  People are SICK.  Who the f**k purposefully kills children?!?!  Cowards!  Cowards kill children.  Actually cowards do all of the above. I hate this world!  I hate this so much.  Children DIED.  An 8 year old DIED!  No one deserves to die at the hands of another but she was EIGHT YEARS OLD.  What God would approve of this?!?  Quit hiding behind your radical religious/political bull$hit.  Cold blooded Murder is murder, and can't be justified.

War is one thing...fighting with armies, people who chose (usually) to fight is one thing...attacking innocent persons to strike fear into your "enemy"...there is a special place in hell reserved for you. 

I just watched this episode again the other day.  I hate how much it fits in this stupid world we've created.  Unfortunately you can't reason with crazy...crazy will never listen to anyone because in their minds they are right and justified therefore no one else matters.

My heart hurts for those people...for those families.  

Rant over...we will be back to our regularly scheduled goofiness tomorrow.

P.S. I saw that quote posted on Doctor Who Hub sending condolences to the families of the attack.  And like they said its scary fitting for the situation(s) happening all over the world.  So I wasn't claiming to have thought of it just used it as part of my own rant.  

And then John Cusack walked out from behind the bushes holding a boombox over his head

Totally plausible...right?!?  But how else can I say the Universe wants me to be part of a cheesy romantic comedy!  Hey Universe, guess what...I'm HAPPILY married!  I don't need to meet anyone...I'm good *plfeet*.

Let me set a scene, little blonde looking like she should probably try harder decides to take her unruly pups to the park.  Normally this is not something I do alone but it was a necessity today so off I went with my 61 lb speedy and 30 lb humpty dumpty.  To say it was interesting is an understatement.

Mind you I was in hot pink running capris and a teal shirt with lazy girl bun...

- they immediately barked and made a 4 y/o cry (they wanted to play but can be scary...LOUD)
- they tried to make friends with the lady in the car next to us
- they spotted items of interest that happened to be in different directions
          - My shoulders have felt better....
- Things that were said: "No", "Stop", "OMG don't eat that", "slow down", "I SAID SLOW DOWN"

Then one went through my legs and around.  The other went around my legs and through...both took off running in different directions "No no no nooooo......" *ahhhhhhh!*.

My legs were immediately cinched together.  Speedy took a tumble because he was tangled too while humpty dumpty ran in circles.  I was in a slow motion fall to the ground *tiiiiiberrrrrrrr* thinking "Aw f**k me, this is going to hurt."  When suddenly I am being caught by a solid brick wall.  "Wait, I'm in the middle of a park...". 

Turns out the "brick wall" was a RIDICULOUSLY muscular...attractive...30 something who was jogging on the path when he saw my dilemma and came to my rescue.  Speedy decided "Must murder new person touching mom" and started freaking out.  But he was tangled so all he managed to do was restrain both of us further and make my hero laugh, *great*.

After getting me into a semi-sitting position we somehow got me and my idiot canines detangled.  I said thank you like a million times and we went our separate ways. 

As I was hurriedly walking away dumb and dumber saw a something and took off (at least in the same direction) 

...the leashes locked and I leaned all the way back to stopped their forward progress...my 120 with a lean back and legs planted vs their 60 + 30 running at full speed ended with me flying forward

and yelling "Stop trying to eat a squirrel, you @$$holes!" 

Which got me a giggle from somewhere behind me.  I didn't turn around...

I was only out there for 30 minutes....guess who is getting leash trained soon....

I walked into my own worst nightmare!

So I should be in my happy place.  We are moving closer to family and friends.  But I also get a glimpse into the lives of other people...and can I just say

People...PEOPLE!  When trying to sell your house I highly recommend CLEANING IT!  I don't even need immaculate but if I walk in and see food crusted on the stove burners....EWWWW!  Or just clutter.  So...much...CLUTTER.  Come on! At least put your $hit into a closet/cabinet.  Give me the illusion of clean.

Moving on.  So we've been to probably 20 houses in the last 2.5 weeks.  We've seen immaculate houses that are way too tiny and disgusting houses that are the perfect size but just EW and way outdated.

Then there was the nightmare house (not to be confused with the viral one with the mandatory tenant). LINK

As we are walking in "so this house just came on the market because the previous owner died..." I stopped walking. "...and the kids don't want it" *noticed I stopped walking*  "Not in the house...NOT in the house".  Okay lets go in. 

The first thing we notice is a weird odor.  Not bad just weird.  We were in the living room/den but we can't pinpoint it and just attribute it to closed up house.  We should have left at this point but we didn't.  Mind you based on the pics this house was cute.  Needed a little work but nothing more than painting really....

Oh how wrong we were.....

Here is a punch list of $hit:
- tried to go out back, the sliding glass door FELL OFF THE TRACK!!!! *$hit*
- More than half the lights won't come on
- We walk into the 1st bedroom and see a dead bug who shall not be named *eeeeeeee* and then another...and then another...*ahhhhhhhh*

- There are holes punched in the wall

We move on and hear hysterical giggling coming from the kitchen then, "NOLAGurl is gonna love this house"

- I turned the corner and see a literal Bug Who Shall Not Be Named GRAVEYARD.  They are covering the floor.  I am in f**king flip flops are you kidding me?!?!?!

- I looked down and realized I am surrounded. As we were walking in the almost dark, I didn't see them.  They are all over the place and I am about to lose my f**king $hit! 

- I darted into the master bedroom (less critters) but more holes...like fist holes...and dents.  Was there a MMA fight in here?!?!?

- There are tiles kicked out in the bathroom...seriously WTF happened here?!?!

We've made it this far, maybe we can get out another door so we don't have to trek back through the dead bugs........

- We get to the side door and open it.  The dirt outside is a foot higher than the bottom of the door...

- Our agent steps out and decides there is no other way out but to go back the way we came *wah*

- We carefully tread back through the bug grave and end up in the living room....we figured it out....there is GAS seeping out of the fireplace....we all but ran out the front door.

- At this point my agent realized a bug bit her while we were inside *we will have to amputate that foot* and my hubs realized he had a splinter *we will definitely have to amputate that!*

Our agent was mortified that we walked into that.  The house was listed as "VERY GOOD"  there was nothing close to GOOD about that place!  The hubs said he stopped counting bugs when he hit 50....when he hit 50!  FIFTY!!!!!  I'm gonna cry!

Conclusion: The man was sick and couldn't properly care for the house.  He passed and his kids got the estate.  They tried to split everything and got into multiple fights (holes in walls).  They realized the house was infested and bug bombed (yay) but didn't bother to come back and clean up the carnage (booo).

I couldn't consider living there.  I'd be paranoid about...THOSE BUGS... ALL.THE.TIME and what the f**k else could be living in that house?!?!?  If that many crawled out to die on the floor, what is decomposing in the walls?!?!  I am so grossed out!!!!!!!

Yogi!!!!

No but really...how terrifying?!?!!?

Whoa! 

So he managed to open the screen but couldn't get the sliding glass door open (THANK GOD!).  And he was hella pissed because he couldn't get to the food.  I think I'd $hit a brick!

Poor guy just wanted some brownies.

Heeeeeey boo boo, I'ma smarter than the average bear!

Someone call the ranger, he's getting out of control!

Take me back!!!!!!!!!!!!

Ha!  Okay maybe I shouldn't be that dramatic...also, I think I just made myself sad....

Moving on, I saw this A-MAZING throw back to the 90's video that had me smiling like an idiot. I may be an 80's baby but the 90's were where I learned to be me.  They were cheesy but honestly...

I'm gonna go listen to my 90's Pandroa station and have a Surge Cola....after which I will run 10 miles because who the F**K needs that much sugar/caffeine?!?!?! That's like a hyper-active puppy on speed.

SIDE NOTE - Yes I am aware Mountain Dew, Red Bull, etc. has higher caffeine content but I don't fancy drinking Alien Piss (MD - inside joke with my friends...not sure if anyone else had the same...joke...) or having a heart attack..... 

Or hallucinating for that matter....seriously, WTF kind of marketing was this?!?!!?

Ahhhhh kill it! Kill it with fire!!!

SIDE SIDE NOTE - No, I didn't realize immediately how silly it is to say Alien Piss with a gif of The Doctor right above....

Good lord someone stop me....talk about getting side tracked....maybe someone slipped some Surge into my coffee....