Why haven't we invented Transporters yet?? Teleporting...? A Vortex Manipulator...? Something that means I can travel without strangers...something that doesn't include me springing for a private jet.

Has anyone ever seen that Jimmy Kimmel skit with Sir Patrick Stewart playing the part of the annoying airline passenger?!?!?!  Because I remember watching it ages ago and I laughed my @$$ off!  Not only because its freaking hilarious but also because how can you NOT love Sir Patrick Stewart?!!??!

With that said, on my flight back home the other day I had all of those annoying characteristics and more in ONE passenger seated behind me.  I should mention it was a later flight...after 7PM and it had been delayed a bit before we boarded.

We were delayed longer because of weather and he b**ched constantly.  He wouldn't shut up about how we'd been "sitting in the plane for 30 minutes and weren't moving", blah blah blah.  Yea well I'd rather be sitting here than trying to take off in a mini hurricane, just saying! 

Then he wanted to talk to everyone around him.  "Hey, you ever been to New Orleans? It's a great place! I've been many many times.  Bourbon is the best. This one time..."  Meanwhile I am just trying to sink as low as I can in my seat and read my book so he'll stop including me in the one sided conversation.   I think he realized this because then he started SHAKING my seat trying to get my attention (what is your f**king problem?!?!). He had also stuck his arm between the seat and wall and kept tapping my shoulder.

We finally took off and he started f**king clapping and cheering and WHISTLING!  OMG STAHP!

The entire 1 1/2 hour flight his knee was in my back.  He was so slouched, his GD knee was WEDGED in my back.  Which isn't kicking but its a close second when it comes to annoying. 

Then...oh then, he opened his dinner.  Yea, I don't care usually when people eat on a plane BUT it was something...Greek or Cajun or Hot Wings or some mixture.  My point is the smell of Garlic and other things was almost nauseating in the tiny space.

He didn't climb over anyone to go pee BUT he did practically run everyone over trying to exit the plane.  I thought it was common knowledge that you wait until the people in front of you exit???  He wasn't a small guy either...he was built like a f**king linebacker. 

Below is the video from Kimmel Live, so fitting

But you see my adventure didn't end there.  The part I left out...that ISN'T in the video is the absolutely DISGUSTING part.  Mid-Flight I kept hearing him clear his throat, like obnoxiously *aheeming* and *back sniffling*...I figured whatever smelly thing he was eating had spice or something.  Then it happened.  He f**king sneezed!  I am not talking about a normal "ahchoo".  I am talking full on DAD sneeze.

He didn't even try to cover his mouth/nose.  It was so forceful that even though there was a f**king seat back behind me my hair blew forward!  And...oh god it gets worse...and I didn't have my sweater on like I usually do and my arm that was near the window was suddenly moist and there were a few droplets on the page I was reading.  I freaked.  Normally I'd not cause a scene and I didn't say anything to him but I did say something along the lines of "*ahhhh* that is disgusting!  Great now I am going to get the plague!".  I didn't scream it...I said it just loud enough to be heard.  He didn't even apologize or offer me a napkin...thankfully the flight attendant was right there and handed me a bunch of napkins and some hand sanitizer (THANK YOU SWEET BABY JESUS) which I rubbed on my arms and face and hands...basically all exposed skin.  This leads me to the present. You see, a few days after my flight, I started to feel funky *crap*.  I don't have the full blown Plague, I have more of a Plague Light.  Which still sucks but not quite as bad.  *fingers crossed* it doesn't decide it wants to be full blown Plague. 

With all this said, it reminded me of something I saw on imgur or tumblr or reddit...I dunno, one of them and I've been laughing so hard my sides hurt...or maybe its a new symptom of the Plague...who knows.

Lesson: "Humans very well may be the Klingons of the Universe"
(I didn't come up with that, Source).