Give me back Baby Jesus, you little b***h!

A sentence I never thought I would utter.  Also, a sentence that probably makes my neighbors think I am crazy.  Can you imagine walking down the sidewalk when you hear that yelled from inside your seemingly sweet little neighbors house?!?!?!

So what happened you may be wondering.  Weeeeeeeell you see we started decorating for Christmas, yay!  I inherited an old nativity scene from my grandma so I decided to display it under the tree.  Why I thought this was a good idea is beyond me. 

You know how people post pics of cats climbing trees/destroying Christmas?!?  Yea I have one of those cats.  She is called DEMON SPAWN and she is an @$$hole.  The first incident, before the ornaments were on the tree, I heard the sounds of something tumbling across the tile floor.  I saw her batting around baby Jesus.  "Oh come on cat!"  I said NO (she cowered) and I put him back in the nativity scene.  While I was sleeping that night I heard a loud crashing from the living room, "seriously?!?!" The tree was still standing but she has mowed down the entire nativity scene and baby Jesus was missing.  OMG!  I found him under the couch, put everything back together while glaring at her form across the room, and went back to bed. 

The next night I started putting ornaments on the tree.  She was intensely watching me from the back of the couch.  Every time I put something up, I looked at her and said No.  I decided I needed more pretty bulbs to replace the ones that broke last year when the tree fell over (pre demon spawn...clumsy dog) so I went to the store.  I came back to the wise men scattered and baby Jesus kidnapped *grrrrr*.  He was in a dog dish *face palm* ...I don't think a dog had anything to do with it, I am thinking this was a premeditated get the pups in trouble technique. 

Finally I finished making the tree looked pretty and began putting bells around the bottom of the tree.  I've done this for years because old lady cat used to knock ornaments off the tree.  The bells alerted me to her presence...she got sprayed with water and eventually the bells ringing became the deterrent.  This may or may not work with my little bundle of evil.  The whole time I was hanging bells I had an audience...under the tree.  She walked over to the nativity scene, I said NO and picked up the water bottle.  She looked at me, knocked the angel off the roof and took off running as I sprayed water after her, yelling "You little s**t!" Once I was done I went to take a shower.  When I came back to watch TV there were some bells on the floor and baby Jesus was again missing.  I couldn't find the damn cat.  Finally I spotted her running WITH baby Jesus in her mouth.  I screamed "give me back Baby Jesus, you little b***h!" And proceeded to chase her around the house with the spray bottle.  I caught her, she hissed, I said shut it, she went hide and I reassembled the bells and nativity.

The next morning when I woke up I found two ornaments were knocked off the tree but thankfully baby Jesus was still in his manger.  She was watching me from the back of the couch.  I said "Leave the tree ALONE!" She meowed really loudly.  I said "hey, don't talk back. I am serious." She meowed again and rolled over...falling off the couch.  She then looked at me and hissed.  "Oh for God's sake, cat.  Do not touch the tree!"

Later that morning I got a text from the husband "F*****g black cat is about to get tossed outside if I don't stop hearing bells!" Guess my little chat with her didn't work....*le sigh*.  I am 100% certain she knows she is being bad and 100% certain she does not care....she is an @$$hole!