I think people think that it is because I "can't deal with letting go" but honestly that isn't the case. At least not for me. I know many people...most people feel the need to say "goodbye" when someone is dying or has died. And while I will pay my respects to those who are passing or have passed, I don't feel like it really helps me in any way.
I dislike it. And it isn't because of those reasons, like I don't like dealing with change/death/whatever. It is because I have a memory(ies) of that person and I HATE that the last one I am going to have of them is of them weak or ghastly. It is just something that has always baffled me. I don't get closure from that. Am I a freak?!?! I again feel like a shrink would be like "boo, you have issues" but I really don't think I do.
I've always said (well as an adult) "funerals aren't for the deceased, they are for the ones left behind." Everyone said I would regret not going to my uncle's funeral. Granted it was because I had an @$$hole of a professor who said "Uncle" wasn't considered immediate family and wouldn't excuse me from my final. Could I have protested it? Of course! But I would have had an "Incomplete" for the semester until the university reached a decision and I truthfully didn't have much of a desire to go. Again not because I didn't want to deal with it but because I just didn't feel like seeing him dead in a coffin and trying to console my hysterical family members would help me with my mourning. Because lets be realistic, that is what would have happened. For some reason many people at funerals want it to be all about them. I can't tell you how many times I have been to a service and a fight/argument broke out over something as stupid as a flower and who was "allowed" to get one. It makes my skin crawl. It is a human thing (maybe I AM from Mars). Many want the constant attention of "feel sorry for me, my _____ has died". And while yes that is sad, and I understand your grief, I personally don't deal well with theatrics. Being sad is one thing but I can't handle the over the top response. I get that, that is just how some people are but it isn't me so don't try to pull me into that. I am private, I mourn privately. I tear up, I sniffle but don't come up to me and touch me intimately and be like "Go ahead and cry I am here for you." Because I will extract myself from you while probably laughing nervously and remove myself from the room. Everyone mourns differently, at least that is my take. Unless I can tell someone wants a hug (you can tell by body language), I wont hug them...I wont just latch onto someone...I give my condolences and move along.
Moving on. If anything, going probably would have given me bad dreams. The funeral wasn't for "him", he wasn't there...he had moved on...it was for my family...and seriously I love them but they are a bunch of nutters. I didn't want to deal with the drama that was likely to ensue. All I needed was my bat$hit crazy grandma trying to force me to go up to the coffin or force me to read during the service. It was bad enough I got yelled at and called horrible names for not saying to hell with my final and going because I WAS supposed to read a passage. I don't regret it. Never have. I went to the grave site later and I was fine.
I've been to quite a few funerals. I don't go to the coffin, I have in the past but it didn't do anything for me. It just isn't my thing...why is that so hard for people to understand this??? I don't NEED to see them one last time or touch their cold, lifeless skin. I go to the services because those closest to the deceased need support. Maybe this will change as I get older but I really doubt it. I prefer to make funerals more of a remember the good times thing (which sometimes makes me VERY unpopular), instead of "hey, so and so died, lets all cry".
I am thinking about this because someone I know...someone I am close to is more than likely going to pass soon. They don't know what is going on around them but I am and will be there for the grieving family. I got the guilt trip of all guilt trips because I haven't put my life on hold to say goodbye (and continue to say goodbye). I don't have to, in my opinion. I've been to see them, I've realized it won't be much longer...its not good but I don't live nearby, I can't go everyday...does that make me a bad person...? I don't think they would want me to stop living because they are at the end of their journey...will I be sad, of course but what else am I supposed to do???
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