Heeeerrrreeee Lizard, Lizard, Lizard

 

Hahahaha, GOD the 90's were a time!!!  There was a whole f**king campaign with this adorable chihuahua trying to catch Godzilla with TACOS!!!  But this isn't about the 90's or about Taco Hell but it is about Lizards.

I have no issues with reptiles.  I will hold them, rescue them, protect them.  I'm cautious but I am not scared of them.  

So the other day I go to let the puppers out and something large and brown comes running out from under the end table.

I thought it was a bug who shall not be named!!!  It was not...it was a dark brown lizard.  Well friend you do not want to me in here, my cat will eat you!!!

He let me pick him up with no issues.  That's when I realized he was full of dust, kinda dehydrated and OMG he's missing a tail and front feet!!!!!!  Oh buddy...I see you met Demon Spawn.  

If you don't know...cats are @$$holes and will literally play with something to death.  

So I brought him outside and put him on the table.  He was alive but didn't run off.  I mean no front feet...jesus!

I got a small plate, put some water, and put him on the edge.  Honestly I figured he would die from shock or something.  

A hour or so later he was moving around in the water and was way more alert so I left him be.  

After work he was gone so I figured he moved on or was eaten by a bird.  I was hoping for the former.  

Since it's already warming up to Satan's armpit around here I've been watering the plants daily. As I am watering the Aloe on the patio something comes flying at my face. 

It's a lizard.  Its a tailless lizard.  It's a tailless lizard with no front feet.  

I don't know how smart lizards are but this one seemed to recognized I saved it and was no longer scared of giant hairless ape lady and seemed content to chill on my arm.  I kept watering and he hung out until he was ready to go back in the aloe.  

It's been over a week and Lt Dan still pops out of my Aloe plants.  All I can assume is he's adapted to no front feet and is eating flying insects that land in the aloe.  Like I know he can't climb so he has to be jumping (?) with his back legs... I guess.  

We all paid to be here, no need to be a whale vagina

Okay okay its actually getting to the end of festival time because its about to be hella hot. But the last couple weeks have been one of the BIGGEST and most known.

The New Orleans Jazz and Heritage Festival!!!!!!!!!!

You see this insanity is two weekends.  It brings in HUGE musical acts from around the world and patrons from around the world.  Its INTENSE. But outside of the festival there are always hundreds of concerts all over the city from Tiny venues to the superdome.  Performers are everywhere and fans are ready to attend.  

I've not been to a concert since pre-covid.  I've been to festivals but not a concert (Garth doesn't count, that was a f**king Stadium!!!). 

So I attended a locally popular band who came in for Jazz Fest.  And can I tell you people...are still f**king AWFUL.  You forget how terrible people can be until you are in a crowd. 

We got there early to get a spot upfront (well like 2nd row of peeps, SUPER close).  It's a small venue and honestly there isn't a bad place to stand/sit in the house but we had "VIP" and got in early.  We made friends with everyone around us because we all know at some point you have to pee or get a drink and you want "help" keeping your spot while your partner runs off.  

It wasn't too bad.  Like no throwing elbows.  But right before the main act came on my "new friend" had to go pee so her husband who was a bigger guy was "holding" their spot.  I literally turned my head for two seconds and two chicks jumped in front of him *WTF*.  There wasn't alot of space, they just pushed in.  

So I put my foot out to keep them from standing in front of me because like hell I am giving up my spot when I've been here for 2 hours.  Wifey came back and was WTF??!!?  I pulled her next to me and was like nope you are still here ma'am.  Well then hubs had to pee so I did the RIDICULOUS straddle the area move.  Our "friends" were teasing me but all in good fun.  But Like I am legit 5'1"....my stance is not big.  But I made myself as "BIG" as possible and my new friends helped me keep the space.  OUT OF NO WHERE some chick comes be bopping up from the back.  Now I am 1000% non confrontational but come on.  

She straight up stepped on my foot and I said "No ma'am.  My husband is standing here."  She looked at me like I was crazy but the nice man behind me said "you dont look like her husband, go on git".  She was about to argue and he goes, "look, we've been here all night.  You want front row you get here early, move ON!".  And she left.  I was like OMG thank you!

As I am still straddling (don't think I was being an @$$, I literally was just trying to keep a small space for two persons) some chick stands literally in front of me.  Leans back INTO MY CROTCH and hands her friend (spot stealer #1 that stood in front of the couple next to me) a drink.  

My mouth got the best of me and I said "are you f**king kidding me????"  She is literally twice my size and probably 5'6"-ish, she looked at me like I grew a second head and said "what?".  I said "You are NOT standing there.  I've literally been here for 2 hours and you are straddling my f**king leg!!!"  She said "OMG bish chill, I'm going to the other side of my friend."  I said "cool fine, then move". And she did.  And I 100% know she had zero plans of doing so until I made a scene.  Because if you are moving along you say "omg excuse me just trying to get through".  She just stood on top of me and seemed perfectly comfy resting on my thigh/crotch.  There was ZERO room in front of me.  She was being a TW@T.

Anyways main act begins and its f**king amazing! We are all singing and bonding and having the best time.  When suddenly I feel tits...on my shoulder!  Like not the lady behind me who is literally my height.  Like someone taller so pressed up against me their tits are on TOP of my shoulder. Okay look I know I am at a concert and people will squish together but this felt different. 

So I turn my head and this chick straight up says "can i get in front of you for a few minutes."  

*you CANNOT be serious*. 

She is literally almost a foot taller than me...  So I said "hahaha...No...".  She seemed shocked I would deny her and was like lost for words.  Then said "well can I stay here?"  I said you need to ask the lady behind me.  And I STG she said "I don't want to she's mean".  And I was like "well yea I guess she is!" and turned around.  My friend next to me pushed her shoulder next to mine and screamed "HOLD THE LINE!" hahaha

Well the nice lady behind me was like "Um get the f**k B." and she was like "but I paid...just like you did". And the nice lady's husband goes "yea but you didn't get here 2 hours ago so move your @$$". 

So she backs up...and stands in front of a woman who is WAY shorter than me.  A complete stranger...as in someone who didn't know this tiny lady lost his $HIT on this chick.  It was EPIC!!!!  She went back further.  But the thing is she lost her original spot so she kept getting pushed further and further back by other irritated patrons.  And honestly I didn't feel bad for her at this point. 

The rest of the night was perfection. A few times someone had to go pee and the group collectively helped save their spot.  It was AMAZING. 

So here's my "question". Were we in the wrong for trying to save our spots???   Its not like we blocked off a giant area.  We all got there early and the couples never left together.  But these persons decided to get there late and jump in front.  Am I crazy or is that 1000% just f**king rude??!?!?!  Like if you like a band that much, get there early or stay in the back.  F**k it's one of my fav bands but if we got there 2 hours after the doors opened, I wouldn't think it was okay to stand in front of someone that had been there for hours.  

I think I need a detox

I know many say that when they want to lose water weight which yes that would be nice.  But in this instance I think I forgot my age and am paying for it....immensely.  

Friday - Sake

Saturday - Sangria & Wine

Sunday - Craft Beer + Red Wine

Monday - soooo much craft beer 

I don't know when I decided I was 21 again but it was the wrong decision and am swearing off Alcohol for at least a couple weeks.  

I don't generally drink a lot.  I'll have a few glasses of wine on the weekends but mostly nothing on a school night.  But this past weekend, I thought I was back at LSU. 

So it wasn't like an intentional binge.  Like the intention wasn't to get drunk.  It was just a busy bunch of social events.  Those events where you are having fun and not paying attention to how much you have consumed.  Until you have to wake up SUPER early to bring someone to a procedure and want to vomit in the parking garage. 

Plus I am at that point in my life where a hangover lasts way more than 24 hours.  I have been DYING all f**king day.  I smelled a hamburger and thought I was gonna revisit my late night steak dinner. 

I remember everything.  I didn't drive.  Pics are super cute. No bad decisions really (except killing my liver). I haven't had an alcoholic beverage since 6PM yesterday, well water and Dr. Pepper (why do I crave that when I am dying).  That is almost 30 hours at this point.  And I still feel like my insides are vibrating.  

Getting "old" SUCKS!!! 

Karen in the Wild

So I was leaving to go to the store to drop off some donations for an animal rescue.  Well this truck was at the stop sign right behind me and waved me to go.  I looked both ways and started backing up.  This little silver car comes out of nowhere and BLOWS through the stop sign going towards the main road. She missed me *whew*

But I’m headed in the same direction and am right behind her.  She turn right, I turn right.  She turns left, I turn. She turns right, you guessed it…me too.  I was like she's going to think I am following, hahaha. Nah she probably doesn't realize it.  Well we are coming to a "stale" yellow light and as it turns red she guns it and blows through a red light.  Hmmm maybe she does see me.  Well I caught the light but as we get to another main road she is in the turning lane and I pull up behind her.  She turns and well so do I.  As we are trudging along, she sure as f**k turns into the same store I am going to!!!!

I'm like you have got to be kidding me.  So I turn in and park and get ready to get my donation bags out.  As I get out she starts yelling from 3 spots over and across the lane....I was like huh. She screams "YOU!!!" 

Who me?

Followed by, “I didn’t hit you. You didn’t have to follow me to prove a point. You are just going to give an old lady a heart attack” or something of that nature. More words..less coherent.  As she’s yelling her voice is getting louder and louder and more like screetchy.  You know what I mean.  Its like a frantic banshee. This whole scene is causing a lot of stares.  At this point I have said nothing because I am so confused why she still screaming at me.  

Finally, I was like whatever so I just opened my trunk and said “lady I have no idea what you are talking about I’m just here  to drop off the donations for the rescue”.  As I pull two black garbage bags from my trunk.

*crickets* *slow blink* then she aggreessivly huffs/screams...slams her door...she grabs her purse and storms inside. 

She clearly knew she did something wrong but it was just the universe having fun at her expense.  

Honestly if I thought a crazy person was following me...

1) I wouldn't have stopped

2) I would have called 911

3) I would NOT have started screaming

What if the person had a gun?!?!?! People are crazy, totally....but I am not one of them.  

Also don't run stop signs!!!

Ever had an epiphany while riding around looking like Elliot rescuing E.T.?

It's been a rough week so to destress I've been riding my Bike since I still can't run.  As I was pedaling along listening to some True Crime my brain threw me into a memory that I had completely forgotten about.  Mind you it was 100% unrelated to anything I was listening to, it just...happened. 

I was remembering when I was around 8 years old.  I was being "tormented" by another kid.  We were both being babysat at the same house.  This wasn't anything new.  This kid regularly picked on me.  They would bully me both physically and verbally.  And if I ever stood up to them, they would somehow convince me  that I would get in trouble if I didn't do what they said.  

On the occasions I did go to the adult, our sitter would correct it at times but most of the time I was just told I was being a "tattle tale" and to just go do something else and avoid the other child.  Which just resulted in me getting tortured further.  Good job adulting there lady! Mind you this isn't like a teenage sitter.  We are talking like a 50 y/o woman. 

Anyways, this particular memory was just like the others.  Me being bullied and pushed around and told what I can and cannot do.  Being told how ugly I was, how bad I was at whatever we were playing, how they were better at sports and I sucked... I mean pick something it was just a BARRAGE of bull$hit.  I did what the adult told me to do and ignored it and removed myself from situation.  Which got my hair pulled and me pushed into the dirt. I walked away again. 

This B**ch followed me and continued the taunt.  I distinctly remember we had been playing house.  I was "sweeping" the floors.  I was ignoring my tormentor as best I could.  I was stewing.  This had been going on since I could remember.  This kid and I grew up together and they were so mean to me.  I was trying to play alone when they shoved me from behind which caused me to fall pretty hard into a tree.  

I was so mad! I was so hurt! I was so angry! I grabbed th broom from the bottom and spun around at full speed.  I hit them as hard as I could with the handle in their side.  I hit them so hard I knocked the wind out of them and they hit the ground.  I screamed "LEAVE ME ALONE" and walked away. 

This is where my "kindness" f**ked me.  I was crying because I was so frustrated.  Then I felt bad because they were crying and were hurt because of me.  This is where I had the epiphany as an adult.  Because you see instead of going tell on me...this demon of a child BLACKMAILED me.  

That's they best I could describe it.  Literally for the rest of the break this f**king psycho child used my temporary moment of aggression as a way to CONTINUE TO BULLY ME. Anytime I "stepped out of line" by their standards, this sociopath kid would be like "you better do what I say or I'm going to tell the adult what you did to me.  I'm going to tell them how you beat me with a broom handle until I cried. And that you only stopped when I begged you to.  And they'll believe me because I have a bruise to prove it". And since I was a good kid and didn't want to be in trouble, I f**king listened.  

They legit tormented me for over a week with no push back from me because I was scared of getting in serious trouble.  

I was gaslighted by a narcissistic EIGHT YEAR OLD.  How does an 8 year old become that??!?!!?  

I am not saying I was right.  I do not believe in hurting others, unless in self defense.  And I am not proud of how I reacted.  I'm really not.  I think I had blocked that memory until today.   I'm not sure why my brain decided it was time to remember but I'm glad it did.  

As an adult, I know I subconsciously learned from this situation.  I'm more aware of others and avoid narcissists if possible..its like I know the signs.  That kid is a seemingly normal adult.  We are still in touch and they are no longer a narcissistic tw@t waffle.  They no longer manipulate and torture others.  I am glad for that for them, their kids, and well me.  

So I am not sure why I had to remember that event today but I don't believe in coincidences so if I am remembering that...there is a reason, and I am not thrilled about finding out what that reason is.... 

How to lose 5ish lbs in an hour

Sooooo I had that thing done.  You know that thing where they remove the thing(s) causing my lady issues.  

Its routine right?  Well yes it is but holy moly its still not something you want to have done.  You are still put under, you are still down for a few weeks, you are still gonna randomly bleed and can't use a tampon or cup.  

I f**king hate being female sometimes. 

I will say kudos to the nurses and doctors for making this as easy as possible.  They put the IV needle in with almost no issues.  They were very attentive and it was rather quick considering, they had to remove at least 2 fibroids, a polyp and then do a D&C.  

I woke up and had to pee which is actually a good sign. But I was also VERY uncomfortable.  Once I was "stable", I went to a room and they got the hubs.  I was feeling very awake which was weird but cool deal.  Now the doc that did the procedure is male.  He is very good but no offense...you cannot tell me what pain I may or may not be in.  You don't have a uterus... you are basing this off of what you've read, learned, heard.  

So when the nurse was like "you okay" and I said no not really.  I really loved that she immediately went get me a percocet. Now I don't like pain pills but I was IN PAIN.  She said she talked to my doc and he was like "give her this for now but the pain shouldn't be too bad.  Tell her to take some Motrin at home if she needs".  

F**k you very much for that.  So I got no Rx which again, I probably wouldn't have taken much but STILL.  Anyways,  I just don't like being dismissed like that.  So the nurse was like you have to pee again before I discharge you, done and done.  I changed and she removed my IV.  Now I was alert but still out of it.  I heard her say something about "this was deep in your vein.  Keep the compression bandage on for____ hours".  Which is a story for another day.

I did have discharge papers so yay. Papers said no dead-lifting more than 5lbs, no sexy time, no strenuous exercise for at least 2 weeks.  And don't get hit in the abdomen, no animals jumping on you or sleeping on the tummy.  Make sure to walk around but listen to your body, get alot of rest. K.Cool.Got it. 

I got home, ate, and slept for 16 hours getting up once to pee and shower. 

I cramped and bled for days, I was SUPER Nauseous for over a week.  Not extreme bleeding thankfully just annoying.  What PISSED ME OFF is while I was still out cold the people without female body parts had a discussion with my hubs saying recovery might be 10 days at most, don't lift 10lbs, walking will help and is fine, can resume all normal activity in a couple days. So when I was still not great a few days later, hubs was like "what's wrong the doc said XYZ". 

I LOST MY $HIT.  In his defense he was listening to what the doctor said.  So what I did was go into GROSS DETAIL of what I actually went through.  He tried to get me to stop...but I didn't because f**k that, you get to hear what bull$hit women go through. 

"Let me explain what all those fancy medical words mean.  While I was under ANESTHESIA. Not mildly sedated...I was under ANESTHESIA. They dilated my cervix.  You know...like when you hear someone having a baby...they are DILATED so many CM.  Well I was dilated some so they could get in there.  Then they slid in a camera with a snipping tool on the end.  They went in and removed the growths and cauterized where they were ATTACHED to the walls of my uterus. After they removed these intruders, they inserted this U shaped scoop thingy.   They used this to scrape the walls removing the excessive uterine lining. After removing as much as they could they made sure nothing was hemorrhaging and sent me to wake up with no pain medication for after. So how do you think you would feel if you had your insides scraped? Do you think you would be functional???"

He didn't make another comment and was way more attentive to helping me after that.  I just hate how it was downplayed.  Like no sir...I get that the doc was like its NBD.  But it was a big f**king deal!!!!  I could tell the ladies understood.  Because my friends and family that knew what I had done were checking on me daily and making sure I was okay and I didn't do too much.  

Hell I stood too long 2 days after having it done and SUFFERED the next day.  I was literally a blob on my couch and all I did was stand too long.  

Being a female is bull$hit sometimes....also no uterus no opinion on how much pain we should or should not be in!

I want to wear your skin

Ever have one of those moments where you aren't sure if you should be flattered or fear for your life?

Well I had one of those the other day.  

I forgot to pick up some things at the grocery and had to make a last minute stop.  Mind you I have been baking for two days so I have unwashed (possibly unbrushed) hair, no makeup, and yoga pants/hoodie on. So I put on my favorite podcast and ventured into the insanity.  

I grabbed my items and ran to the express line.  I mean it's two days before Christmas...why are all you people here????

While I am "patiently" waiting, I feel like someone is staring at me.  Like you know how you can just feel the weight of someone's stare????  I look around but everyone is like me just trying to get the f**k out of there.  But I couldn't shake the feeling I had eyes boring into me.  

I glance up again and catch a guy in the other express lane staring at me.  Not like he looked in my direction.  Like STARING at me.  

And he didn't look away when I caught him.  He just kept STARING a hole into my head.  So I looked away and tried to ignore him.  Well I could still feel him looking at me.  Everytime I looked up, he was looking right at me.  It was so freaking weird.  

He was attractive-ish I guess, maybe a little older, dark shaggy hair and blue blue eyes.  If I wasn't so disturbed I may have been a little flattered. But I was ready to get out of his line of sight.

I finally checked out and started out the door when someone grabs my elbow.  I about jumped out of my skin and yanked my arm away.  He did that whole "hands up", I mean no harm thing and said "I noticed you in line and couldn’t look away".  This is when I realized he didn't have bags...as in he got out of line to come talk to me!!!!!!!!!!  

Okay now I am thoroughly $hitting my pants.  Every alarm in my brain is screaming. And I said "oh do I know you?" as I backed up a little...because that is what you say to your potential kidnapper. Come on chick, geeze! It's busy but no one was near us at this point and it was starting to get dark.

Now he is still staring and when I say STARING...It's like that no emotion, BLANK, unhinged person in a movie stare.  

Like he was reading my f**king thoughts and enjoying every second of my panic. 

He says "no you don't know me but I am drawn to you like gravity" as he looks me up and down and back into my eyes.

OKAY WTAF is happening?!?!  I am literally listening to a podcast called Morbid as this is happening and while I love it, I don't want to be an episode ON IT.  

So I just kinda laughed and said "right, okay well Merry Christmas".  -exit stage left-

That Mother F**ker stepped in my path 

I am trying to think of anything I can use as a weapon.  I don't have my purse, just my card, phone, & key fob in my pocket.  And I bought f**king marshmallows, graham crackers, and chocolate baking chips.  What am I going to do threaten him with deconstructed smores??!?!!?   

Then he seductively said....."I'd really love to give you a call sometime, like later tonight."  That's right....HE ASKED FOR MY MOTHER F**KING NUMBER.  

Um Bruh...just no.  So I uncomfortably say "sorry, taken and bolt BACK into the store" saying over my shoulder "I think I forgot Milk"

Because you know you have to give the creepy serial killer staring dude a reason why you are running away.  I did NOT look back but was ready to grab a bottle of wine off the shelf and chug it in store or use it as a club.

He may have just been "attracted" to me.  But the vibe I got was he wanted to wear my skin like a shawl.  I probably stayed in the store for another 20 min, found a security guard to walk me to my car, and high tailed it out of the parking lot.   Then I drove around like some nutcase trying to see if I was being followed because I was convinced this f**ker is going to follow me home and hubs isn't there.  

So that's my story of how a Buffalo Bill wannabe tried to pick me up at the Grocery store right before Christmas.