I just geeked out over a Crime Drama person...character...thing

Two posts in one day, count yourself lucky!  I was working on something for a Client and they said they needed to add someone to their account.  Okay, email me.

I just got the email...the new person wants his user info to be ahardy.  What?!?!?  Is he also grumpy and Scottish?!?  Please tell me he's at least a detective.

His name is not the same.  Darn, hahaha.  If his name would have been Alec or even Alex, I may have died laughing. But he is a security guard...I've been laughing for ten minutes.  Can you IMAGINE that character being a Mall Cop.  That would be HILARIOUS!  I watched the crap outta that, ha!

My co-workers are wondering why I find this so funny. Educate yourself people!  Watch British television, tee hee hee.

What a pig...actually not a pig, that is an insult to pigs! *Creeper Alert*

I'm not sure if you know this but the place to pick up women is at the drug store.  Even if said women are 100% not interested. A quick flirt is one thing but this was RIDICULOUS!

I was pulling into a local drugstore when the door to the car in the next spot flew open.  I politely stopped to let them get out (they were backed into the spot).  The door closed, I pulled in and proceeded to collect my coupons to head inside.  It wasn't until I went to get out of my car that I saw the driver of the other car hovering in front of my on his phone.  "hmmm, odd".  But I thought nothing of it and got out (I should have realized then that he was a weirdo). He said "Hello!" and walked ahead of me, like he was waiting for me.  "Uh...hi", then he suddenly stopped and turned to look at me (CREEPY!). 

Maybe if he looked like this...nah

 

 

I stopped...he was wearing a sleeveless superhero shirt and board shorts with flip flops, about my age.  Nothing special, just a normal looking guy.  He was staring a hole through me!  I took a WIDE route around him so as not to get too close.  He LAUGHED and then followed me inside.  *thinking* "does he think I am flirting...why is that funny...its NOT funny, I am freaked out a bit!".  I did my shopping and went to get a snack for my office.  As I turned down the snack aisle, I literally ran into him.  The things I was holding fell to the floor.  He bent to pick them up (okay that was nice) but the whole time he was on the floor he was looking UP at me... I was EXTREMELY uncomfortable because he looked almost predatory (an I am about to devour you look) and I had a freaking dress on. 

He handed me my stuff, I said thanks and started to walk away.  He stopped me and said "I like your smile." Uhhhhh, thank...you... *bee line down the aisle*.  I heard him laugh again. WTF?!?  As I was checking out I felt someone walk up behind me.  Something lightly touched the back of my arm. *sigh, thinking* "Are you kidding me?!?" Okay at this point every red flag/siren/danger Will Robinson is going off in my head.  I glanced over my shoulder and guess who (OMG!).  He says "I just wanted to let you know I think you are really pretty." (still lightly touching my arm) *annoyed laugh* "Thanks....".  I turned back around and he LEANED forward (WTH, Personal Space!) and loudly whispered in my ear "I'd like to see you again." Okay that is it, should I become atomic biotch or just ignore him.  The cashier is looking like she is ready to kill him for me (she knows me, I am a regular customer).  I didn't turn around, I just held up my left hand and said "Sorry, married." The cashier laughed.  He said nothing and STAYED in my personal space, until I was done.  I felt like he was sniffing my hair but I think I was just being paranoid. I didn't use my PIN, I did signature because he was WAY too close to me.  Once done I practically ran out the store, almost running over a guy in a suit in the process. 

I'm about to become a statistic

As I was getting in my car I noticed his car was still running (Odd) but I couldn't see in (DARK tinted windows).  At this point I am thinking I am about to be kidnapped or something (I should stop watching Crime Dramas).  I wanted to leave before he came out (unsuccessful).  I backed out as he was getting into his car. He unabashedly STARED at me with this weirdo smile (like Norman Bates level creepy smile/stare). 

Not sorry, haha

He then got into the car where there was a female, I could see through the windshield.  WTF?!?!  Okay maybe it's his sister.   Then they started making out...not just a kiss/peck...borderline pornographic...okay still could be his sister, right...?  Time to make my exit!






I just...he was pretty much aggressive in his pursuit of me and he had a girlfriend/wife/f**k buddy waiting in the car.  Were they looking to add someone to their bedroom fun?  Or was he just a twat booger?  Or was there something else going on? Either way WHO DOES THAT AT A DRUGSTORE?!?!?!  I can understand a chance meeting, maybe (like romantic comedy style) but I was CLEARLY not interested and he kept on with is creepy self.  Completely unnerving!

Mother Nature's Revenge, also known as "Adventures in Gardening"

So either Mommy Dearest is sending evil minions to scare the $hit out of me OR she approves of my effort to try and be "greener" and is sending me "friends".  Either way I've seen creatures I didn't know existed...or didn't want to know existed. 

Let's start with "cute" and go from there...

Awww a pretty little butterfly *le sigh*...until you realize it lays eggs all over your citrus plants which hatch into "bird poop" caterpillars that eat everything in sight...ewwww

Not my pic

Hi! Let me in, please.

I feel like he wants to be my friend.  How can something furry and smiling be evil (hmmm, looks can be deceiving, you stay outside)

More cute and furry!  What kind of beautiful creature will you grow into???

Mothra is that you?!?

OMG what is that?!!?!?

Why are you so big?

What do you want?

Why aren't you yellow 

anymore???

Well, well, well what are you?  Another pollinator?  You look pretty

Not my pic

Not my pic

Hmmm what are these...?

Wait why is my squash dying...? WTF did you put in my SQUASH?!?!

Not my pic

Not my pic (but freaking accurate!)

I should have known! 

Clearly you are evil!

I have a winged Sith living in my yard...

What on Earth are you???  Why are you on my tomato plant, bad caterpillar! And why do you have caterpillar dreads?  *google search* Oh okay, you are a Hornworm (and you will have a new home soon) *keeps reading* "Tiny wasps also help to manage this pest by laying eggs inside the caterpillar's body." Ummmmm. "Next, the wasp larvae chew through the caterpillar's skin to pupate. Each white object you see on the caterpillar's body is the cocoon of one of these wasps."  Holy $hit!  *Source* Nature is RUTHLESS!  *Mental Note* Don't piss off braconid wasps. (No but really, don't kill them, they are good guys! The wasps not the green thing)

What kind of wacked out Arachnid are you?!?!  While I am glad you are on the other side of the glass, I'd rather you not make a home in my yard (unless you kill other things that will kill my plants).  I think it might be some sort of baby Crab Spider (Diaea Dorsata). 

Then there is this EVIL thing.

"Satan's Pet"

Yes it is dead.  No I am not sorry.  It was huge, and territorial and there were 5 of them.  It's some sort of wasp (Cicada Killer) and apparently it thought it could "squat" in my yard.  There was a battle...we won...losses were necessary (on their side). 

So I think the apocolypse started...

I mean we've had crazy weather before but recent storms took the cake!  I am semi okay with bad weather like a Hurricane because we have time to prep (I don't like them but I can mentally ready myself for the possible aftermath) but when its sudden, it is so much more terrifying!!!  There was a memorial service for someone I know very well.  All hell broke loose while in said service.  Can I just say the lights going out during one of these is a bit unsettling...and I've read we weren't the only ones that had this lovely experience...INSANITY!

So the day started okay.  Get ready, drive into town.   We knew some nastiness was headed our way but we apparently didn't know HOW bad it would be.  As we pulled up to the church there was a slight drizzle starting..."oh shoot, lets get inside". . . it went downhill quickly from there.  As we were talking to our family and friends I felt our phones buzzing like crazy.  We went to the restroom and realized our family that is a bit north and west of where we were was freaking out.  Apparently a tornado touched down in that city and chaos ensued.  Schools were pulling kids into hallways, offices were locking the doors and "hunkering down", there was hail and power was out all over.  "Oh $hit!" We told them where we were and they basically said "stay put, it is BAD!"

As we made our way back to the others we were discussing how insane that is.  We were telling one of our peeps what was going on when our phones started buzzing again.  WTH!?!?  It was our "parish" emergency response system.  "Seek shelter immediately.  Possible Tornado.  Strong winds. Hail."  Oh no, our poor dogs!!!  So I texted my neighbor to see if he was home.  He wasn't but he said his house alarm went off ...something about his garage door.  He asked our other neighbor that was home to check on our houses.  His response "I will once the weather passes.  There are straight-line winds, sideways rain, I'm in the bathtub.  It looks like a white out and like it is midnight." (it was 10AM)  At this point WE are starting to get nervous.  People are running into the church soaked and windblown.  It is beginning to get nasty by us too.  Very quickly the windows darkened.  It wasn't like "hey it is cloudy out" it was more like "hey, who turned out the lights." (count the shadows) You could hear the wind picking up and rain pelting the church.  We are telling some peeps at the service what was happening in our hood when "BANG" a loud, almost explosion and the lights went out.  "F**k!" (no one said it but we were all thinking it).  Then the generator kicked on. . .but you see it only powers SOME of the lights.  Like enough to see so it was still a little dark.  There was a lot of nervous laughter and talking.  People were still making their way to the service (soaked) while the priest was lighting candles. 

As we were about to start, whispering amongst the attendees is increasing and more phones are buzzing.  Apparently it was now flooding outside.  People were scrambling trying to get to their cars BEFORE water gets in them and others are calling to say they can't get to the church because of high waters and wind.  *memories of our flood flashing in my head*  Finally we begin.  The wind is steadily howling, debris (not just rain) is slamming into the church.  And then pretty much every phone in the place went off (Emergency Response System does NOT follow the phone on silent rule...it overrides it).  Well that was a terrifying "seek shelter" message..."F**k!" again thought NOT said aloud.  Dead silence, we start the service again and then *bang, bang, bang*.  Doors are flying open.  Not all but more than one.  We are talking HEAVY wooden and steal doors being BLOWN open.  *jfc, okay lets just ignore it* So we all just sang and prayed and remembered (distraction was helpful).  By the time we left the worst of it was over.  But the evidence of what went through was ever present.  Power lines down, tree limbs all over, trash cans everywhere, trees snapped in half, so much DEBRIS...it looked like a weather war zone.

When we finally got home it was to terrified animals BUT our house was okay.  Lots of debris and only a partial tree down in the yard (whew).   Apparently winds were clocked at around 60-70MPH near mi casa and over a 100MPH not far from where we were.  Are you kidding me!?!?!?

The ONLY times that happens down here is during a hurricane...at least that used to be the case but lately (like in the last 3 years) this is more common.  We don't get tornadoes...that only happens in the Midwest. . . RIGHT?!!?!?  Yea WRONG.  A while back I was awakened by our ERS going off at 4AM right as the SIRENS went off.  "Good morning, WTF!?!?"  The sky is falling chicken little...no really...seriously GTFI (Get the F**k In)...this is NOT a drill.  Maybe I need a sign that says "the end is near".  Who wants to build an Ark/Sky boat?

Why does this exist?!?!?

So my Facebook is on a roll with weird/sponsored posts.  I apparently "Liked" YouBeauty at some point in my Facebook fun and now I see products/trends that concern me.  Somethings are silly like using the dried sperm of a virgin camel mixed with matured octopus mucus as a primer to reduce wrinkles, you know "Beauty Stuff".

Then there are things like this...WHY!?!?!?

My computer renamed the file "FullSizeRender" which made me laugh even harder

Curiosity got the best of me and I clicked the link and apparently you can share your orgasm (from the inside) via "FaceTime".  I just don't...WTF!? There are so many reasons why this seems like a bad idea.  For one does that really turn someone on?  "Here's a vid of the INSIDE of my Hoohah, watch how it squirts." 




I would think the "O" face via FaceTime would be much more, um, exciting.  Also, what if you FaceTime the wrong person?!?  "Sorry dad that was meant for that guy/girl I met last night." Talk about needing counseling.







I mean with descriptions like "The vibe is waterproof and rechargeable, like that even matters when it has a camera in it. It’s also compatible with FaceTime, so you can share your big moment with friends across the 4G network." With your FRIENDS?!?!?  I am close with my friends but that is a whole other level.... I sense sarcasm, I am fairly certain YouBeauty is just as confused as me but they posted it so yea.  Favorite quote "It puts the view only gynecologists used to be privy to in your hands."


As if I wasn't confused enough this popped up in my feed today....

At least its my fav color

 
Is this a thing?  I am old...this must be a new trend.  Look, I don't care if you have pit hair or if you dye it.  I don't have any but I am grossed out by body hair (on myself) in general so clearly this wouldn't be my thing.  BUT the term Pit Puffs makes me think of marshmallows and now I am grossed out.  Next we are going to have "dreadpits".  "You can look like a beached squid as you tan." Someone should do this pronto and sport it as the latest in fashion.  What if they made extensions for those who can't grow long enough Pit Hair...I should invent this...I could be a millionaire!

Yep I am a "nerd" AND adorable, HA!

Apparently it is unexpected if you are semi-attractive and "nerdy".  I am not a super model but I know I am attractive to some.  And I am also quirky.  I wear a ton of fandom stuff.  Half of it is so obscure most people wouldn't realize its a "nerd" thing unless they were in said fandom (or on Tumblr, hahaha). 

I was shopping at this electronics store recently and it was funny...well at least for my husband.  I had on one of my fandom shirts and some BLUE chucks. Anyways, I was talking tech with a sales person (surprise I am actually NOT an idiot when it comes to tech) when he asked what I do for a living.  He was like 6'5"...I was in my flat @$$ converse...I came up to like his nipples.  So for him to be reading my shirt he had to kind of come down to my level which is just awkward (can we say PERSONAL SPACE). 

Him:  Oh, so you work for a Doctor or insurance company?
Me: *still playing with the potential purchase* No, I work for (Insert company name). 
Him: Oh...but your shirt says "The Doctor Medical Group", I just assumed...
Me *nervous laughing* Um...no...it's kind of a...nerdy thing.
Him: What is it?
Me:  So have you heard of this, uh, show called Doctor Who?
Him: No
Me: Oh
Him: Oh wait is that that British Sci-Fi show, with the Blue Box?
Me: *turning red* Yep.  *pointing to shirt* see the logo...its the Blue Box
Him:  Oh my God you are a nerd...and adorable
Me: *Crimson* Hahahaha, thanks...I think.
Him:  I like your shoes too *wink*
Me: *thinking OMG* Soooooo do you have this in stock?


All in all he was actually super nice and a GREAT sales person.  Very helpful.  I am just a weirdo hahaha. 

So you are going to "punish" me for that?!?!

People can be REALLY self-centered.  Just because you don't drop everything to accommodate them, they get angry. I don't like games...I don't fall for guilt trips...I don't like drama!

Person: I know its only 24 hour notice but can you come over tomorrow to celebrate (insert YOUR life achievement)?
Me:  Sorry, can't. We wont be available tomorrow
Person: Why?
Me:  Um well we have plans.  
Person: What is more important than celebrating your (Insert the thing).
Me:  We are going to (Insert a REALLY fun thing) and have had tickets for over a month.
Person: Okay, what about the next day?
Me:  We aren't available until later in the evening
Person: What?  Why?
Me:  Husband has work
Person: *said very snidely* I thought he wasn't going to have to work as much on the weekends
Me:  He doesn't...he has a schedule...if I had more than a 48 hour notice we could have figured something out.  What about the day after that?
Person: Oh we have plans.  Guess we will just celebrate YOUR (Insert the thing) without you.
Me: Okay if you must

I don't do well with games.  Look, I am sorry I have a life and whatnot but if you give me more than a 24 hour notice we can probably figure something out.   And yes I know it has been a CRAZY couple of weeks.  But why be a jerk about it?!?!  We are busy and if you are going to be an @$$ I don't want to go anyway *raspberry*.