Y'all Nasty!

I am so over people who have ZERO manners.  If there is one thing I need you parents (guardians, Awesome Aunties, etc) to teach your crotch goblins is to always cover their mouth/nose when they sneeze/cough!!! That way they become adults who always cover their mouth/nose when they sneeze/cough.

So far parents at this point are doing an awesome job.  All the littles I see as young as 3ish cover, use an elbow, down the shirt.  But alas the parents of the 70's & 80's you have FAILED US!

I have never seen so many 30, 40, and sometimes 50 somethings that just blow snot everywhere without a care of who is around.  WHAT THE F**K IS WRONG WITH YOU!?!?!?!?

We were in a place with lots and lots of people....kids and adults alike.  And its funk season, I know this.  But 90% the kiddies COVERED THEIR FACES WHEN sneezing or coughing.  Many adults did too but SOOOOO many over 30 year olds...some WAY OVER 30 year olds just shot their funk on everyone near by.

And now I know how the zombie apocalypse starts!

There I was standing in line...minding my own business when suddenly the guy in the line next to me full on sneeze coughed IN MY FACE!  Well the side of my face...STILL! Do you know what a sneeze cough is?  Let me enlighten you...its where you sneeze and cough at the same time spraying anything within 5 feet of you with snot and spit!

Without thinking I yelled ARE YOU Fffffff........I paused thankfully because children where there...and said SERIOUS?!?!!?!??!  He had the right of mind to look ashamed but still.  I told my husband loudly, I think I need to bathe in hand sanitizer....and I did.  In front of him and like 30 other people, I scrubbed down with peppermint scented hand sani...ahhh feel the burn!  The man in front of me asked me to share...and I did.  I think he got hit with some of the spray.  We couldn't go anywhere but wait out the line.  After I was out of line, I went to the bathroom and scrubbed my face and hair. 

Two days later (basic incubation period for a cold/virus) I started to feel a little sniffly.  Day three (the day we flew home) I was miserable and couldn't breath out of my nose.  Day four, my last day of vacay I had to miss an event and literally slept 90% of the day.  Here we are on day five.  I have a sinus funk, am exhausted, and sound like a f**king seal when I cough. 

Conclusion Thanks to some @$$hole I was next to in line the other day, I am pretty sure I have some sort of plague.  Guess I'll be going to the Doctor before my Christmas Party tomorrow...yay....

$1,000 Brick with a side of heart attack....

So you don't know millennial fear until you are backing up your phone to your computer when it tries to suddenly do a software update and THEN your dog yanks the cable out.

It was like the trifecta of f**ked up!!!!  My 'lifeline' to the world was stuck in "restore to factory settings"...

 

Thank God, the backup finished but WTF man?!!?!  Every time I tried to complete the update, it said it couldn't connect to the phone. EEEEEEEEEE!

B**ch was a freaking brick...

It took me 45 min of playing Genius Bar to fix it. 

thank you for giving me enough knowhow to figure it out. 

Finally after force quitting and restarting and doing a naked rain dance it began to update and verify software. 

It FINALLY finished!!!

After a painful 10 minutes of it sitting with less than 10% left I finally took a deep breath and unplugged it. 

I need a freaking Xanax and a shot of tequila. 

Talk about 1st World Problems!!!!

Show us your V!

No no not that one....although thanks 🙊

Wait....On second thought...NM....

So scrolling Facebook and I see this:

I...what...? So I kept watching...I couldn't look away.....

WTF?!?!😂

I'm sure there's a cream for that....

Oooo kinky

Ewwww.....but I mean its summer....

You may need some penicillin.....or unscented soap!!!

Ugh the WORST!

This marketing is SPOT ON.  I legit stopped what I was doing to watch this 😹

BRILLIANT!  Why are we so scared to say the "V" word?!?  Your hoohah needs love too.
Go check 'em out.  They actually have some neat products.  queenvlife.com. 

Follow your nose....actually don't....

Right anyways.  You ever just have a gut feeling?  Like something isn't blatantly obvious but you just know in your heart something is...off!

We got mussels to steam for dinner.  I have done this countless times.  We buy from the same place every time.  But something...something was nagging at me at the store.  We still got them though....

We washed and cooked them as soon as we got home.  I was sautéing onions and garlic in butter...hubs was washing and removing the dead ones (about 7...hmmmm that seems like a lot). 

There wasn't an "OMG WHAT IS THAT SMELL" moment like our friend up top had ....

I dumped in the wine and lemon juice, seasoning and dropped in the mussels. 

I have a really good sense of smell...like freakishly good.  Something didn't...it just wasn't...right...it was off.  As soon as I removed the lid my body recoiled.  Again nothing slapped me in the face but on some instinctive level my brain was screaming....

Hubs was like it smells fine, like steamed mussels in wine/butter sauce...

And they were fine.  Until I saw one that looked like something hubs hacked up during a sinus infection and then let dry in the sink. 

So I just moved it to the trash pile.  My lovely hubs had one also...he did not see an issue with the jerky looking YELLOW mussel...he immediately spit it out and gagged. 

I couldn't bring myself to eat anymore but I sniffed the "jerky looking one" (not the one he spit out!) and a memory came flooding back. 

An incident a few years back where we a  boiled sack of crawfish that about 1/3 of was dead.  For those non southerners...a few dead ones are gonna slip in...but they are usually like freshly dead.  1/3 of a 40 lb sack is A LOT and these were hidden in the center of the live ones...and pale...clearly been dead...a while! 

The smell...it...its hard to describe but its like rotting flesh that you seasoned really well and then laid in the sun...for a week. 

A friend compared it to badussy...but I think that was being kind...

Clearly, there must have been a few LONG dead mussels in the pot that we missed.  In such a small sample just a couple, spoils the WHOLE pot. 

It wasn't the slap you in the face funky cooch smell from the crawfish boil but clearly I smelled something that had been dead...a while...

Lesson...trust your gut.  If its telling you food is spoiled...its probably spoiled.  And I don't mess with bad seafood....I've had that...talk about wanting to die...worst food poisoning of my LIFE! See this Post...

I'm pretty sure they heard me on the moon

I had a moment.  A moment of utter fear and anxiety.  I was doing...LAUNDRY!

So here I am doing my usual Saturday clean routine.  I was moving my 2nd load of dark clothes to the dryer.  I picked up some athletic shorts (not mine) to toss into the dryer when the unthinkable happened.  A BUG WHO SHALL NOT BE NAMED fell at my feet....which happen to be bare. 

They make the most skin crawling splat noise when they are dead and have been through a super wash cycle. 

I swear to all the deities I screamed so f**king loud, I'm surprised my neighbors didn't call the cops.  It took a second or ten for my brain to reboot and try to figure out what happened.  How is there one of these disgusting creatures in my freaking laundry?!?!?!  We use home defense.  We almost never see them (thank god, I would die) and if we do they are half dead or full dead.  Which is around the point in my internal battle where I realized what had likely occurred.

You see we (both hubby and myself) have a bit of a fear of these...things.  See this post.  If we see a mostly live one a shoe gets hurled at it and we hazmat that sucker out of the house.  You think I am kidding, it involves rubber gloves, plastic bags, a squeegee (bc those little f**kers stick to brooms), and a dust pan.  We ain't playing! 

Anyways dead ones are treated similarly, minus the shoe hurling.  Except two...two decided to die in the overfill pan for our Hot Water Heater.  We've had this silent standoff where neither of us removed them.  I know I know, mature, right... but you can't see them unless you move the door while in the garage and we never do that. 

Moving on, when I was loading the washer some clothes missed the opening slightly and went over the side...closest to the H20 heater.  I caught them and threw them in...but the shorts may have barely touched the pan...I'm thinking those sticky *shudder* legs stuck to the pants and went for a ride.  So I brave a look in the pan...NEITHER are in there.  F**k f**k f**k!!!!  That means....the other....is either in the dryer or in the washer *sobbing*.

So I peek into the washer and die a little inside.  Its in there....amongst my clean clothes...also squeaky.....

.....clean I'm sure.  So now I'm legit crying because I just washed a load of clothes with these two GIANT disease carrying mother f**kers.

Hazmat mode initiated...it doesn't matter that they went through a wash cycle, are missing legs *screaming* and have been dead for a while.  My fear is in full force.  I just know it's going to fly at my face.  I mean it didn't but still!  So I remove both to a bag.  I shake out all the clothes looking for *shudder* legs.  I found some but not all so I am hoping they went down the drain. 

I know this is 100% our own fault...doesn't mean I have to like it.  I am currently rewashing the entire load on hot.  I know its not the best for the material but its the best for my sanity.  Otherwise the whole load is being trashed and that's not financially reasonable.  But let me tell you if I go to put on my running pants and I find a leg....I might die on the spot. 

Side Note - I am not kidding giant.  Come to Louisiana. These f**kers could carry away a small dog.  A "small" one is the length of my thumb. 

Dammit Barry, I had plans this weekend!!!!

Living in the South we learn to deal with hurricanes.  We prepare, we "hunker down" (GAH!), we drink, and we clean up.  

Barry (also known as a mother f**ker) took his sweet @$$ time making his way here...freaking everyone the hell out with all that "30 inches of rain" bull$hit, only to go poof basically.  

Don't get me wrong...some $hit went down and people lost some belongings and my heart goes out to them.  In my area it was 3 days BEFORE landfall.  I'm not even sure it was part of the "storm".  But for all the crazy being shown on National TV you woulda thought ALL of Louisiana was under water *rolling eyes*.  So for my sanity (and because we all drank a lot being in doors for almost 3 days)....here are my fav memes from the storm that never really was. 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

In the end know we are funny as hell down here.  We take $hit seriously but if we don't laugh we all go a lil cray cray.  *cheers*