Are you sure YOU aren't pregant?!?!

For F**ks sake people, quit being RUDE!  Two things you shouldn't do....

1. Talk about Religion/Politics at work
2. ASSUME a woman is pregnant

JFC that's how you get your teeth knocked out..from an angry...apparently "fat" woman with a mean right hook.  Except I am not a violent person (usually) so instead I flip the question around.


Person: *pssst* are you pregnant?
Me: *snort* nope
AT THIS POINT YOU SHOULD WALK AWAY!
Person: Are you sure?
Me: *confused* Um, yes...100%....
Person: Really?  You must be eat more and gain some weight...a little
Me: *PISSED OFF* Um, no....are YOU pregnant?
Person: *confused* No, I man?
Me: Are you sure? I mean last uniform order I had to go up two pants sizes for you....
Person: *REALLY confused* You look mad
Me: *calmly typing* If you don't want a can of Lysol shoved up your @$$, I highly recommend you leave...now. 

What the actual F**K?!?!  I know I am not a size 2 but screw you man.  Asking the 1st question fine...but when I said NO, you should probably leave it alone.  Oh and he is a f**king fat @$$...WHAT AN @$$HOLE!

Also, the "weight" I've gained is 90% muscle.  I've been working out, running, dancing, swimming, etc.  So I noticed a change also but its more what happens before all the "fat" goes away.  You know when you 1st start working out again and you don't I dunno...its weird.  See below...yea that's me...I am a f**king whale...just call me baby beluga...

And no, I'm NOT sucking in...

Who doesn't like to be pucnhed in the tear ducts?

For real though...right in the Childhood!  'scuse me while I cry in the corner. 

She still sounds perfect...ALWAYS Mrs. Potts!!!!!!!!!  Also, there is no way its 25 years old...NO WAY!

Moving on...sooooooo I was legit hacked.  Someone who has no life...who if they put half the effort they put into stealing into a real job would be successful!  He got in to my Amazon and used MY GIFT CARD to buy himself a Samsung External Drive.  I have the address, because I got an email telling me my order would ship tonight... WHAT?!!?!?!? 

Anyways, I looked up the address and found a Business Park.  I called the first number I saw and the lady that answered said "OMG, did he steal your VISA too?!?!"  What...um no.  I told her my sad story.  She said I was the 12th person calling about something like this.  He uses the address for Suites that are empty...SERIOUSLY?!?!  But this time he may get caught...wanna know why.  Because I'm not with VISA.  I'm not looking at my bill a month out and trying to figure this out.  I KNOW this will be delivered TOMORROW.  And now so does Amazon, their Fraud Department and the local Police.  I considered sending a box filled my dog $hit but I didn't want some poor unsuspecting business owner to get it by accident.  Anyways "SERGE"...hope you like prison.  *fingers crossed his @$$ gets picked up*.

Serge Kaluga
Kiamensi road 805
apt.984
Wilmington, Delaware 19804
United States

Feel free to ship poop if you want. 

Also, note to self...standing outside in the dark and saying "Come play with us" like the creepy kids from The Shining, then laughing hysterically, REALLY freaks out the neighbors.  In my defense I was in the process of taking care of Aphids and they were hiding.  So I was spraying killer bug juice on the plants trying to get them to come out...so I could KILL THEM!

In conclusion, I went from happy crying...to I want to nut punch a crook...to I think my neighbors think I'm a psychopath...

Ahhhhahahahahhaha....

Ouch, right in the nostalgia

Okay, so do you ever hear a song and go "wow, I used to LOVE them.  I wonder why they don't release anymore albums".  And then you do a google search and Holy F**k I did not know that!

Okay so I was looking through some playlists and found "Guys do it all the Time".  I love love love that song!

Then I see, Mindy McCready November 30, 1975- February, 17 2013

She died?!?!  Why do I not remember this?!?!  Just a word of advice...don't wiki further info unless you REALLY want to know. 

"McCready was found dead on her front porch from a self-inflicted gunshot wound."  Oh...oh dear...how awful!

Apparently she had a lot of issues.   Its just so sad that someone with such beauty and talent could be hiding (albeit not very well) so much pain and problems.  So I will choose not to read more...I saw something about a dog & kids and closed the page. 

So if you need me I'll be streaming her greatest hits and trying not to think about how she died....

Seriously, Drugs are bad, mmmkay (how many times do I have to say this?!?!)

So I was sitting in bumper to bumper NOT MOVING traffic listening to KKITM when I noticed a Police vehicle on the other side of the highway.  The officer was out of his vehicle talking to a lady.  I didn't see her vehicle so I thought maybe she'd run off the road and it was in the woods. 

Then I looked closer... she had on a bright colored t-shirt....and that's it.  I thought maybe she had booty shorts on but the t-shirt wasn't that long.  Then I thought flesh colored tights but I mean it looked like bare skin. 

That's about when I realized the officer was trying to get her attention and she was looking everywhere BUT at him.  Oh my, what is going on over there.  He was snapping his fingers and moving to get in her line of sight but she was clearly laughing her @$$ off and looking all around.  At least she seemed happy.  This is when she did the funniest and stupidest thing ever. 

She "booped" him on the nose.  I was horrified and amused at the same time (police officers don't like to be touched by someone they are probably going to arrest). 

Nose boops are sweet.  They are cute.

Daaaaaaaaaaaaaaw

But their "boop" was more like....

You could tell even from the distance that he was trying so hard not to laugh.  Then the poor dear just started spinning in circles on the shoulder of the HIGHWAY. 

We started moving so I didn't see what happened but I am 99% sure she ended up in cuffs in the back of the cruiser.  Bless her heart, she was HIGH AS A KITE. Honey, it is 8:15AM on a Thursday!!!!

For real though, I hope she is okay.  Glad the officer got to her; that is a BUSY highway, she could have been hurt or killed....

How the f**k did I turn out semi normal?!?!?!

No but really.  I joke about my crazy family but they really are like LEGIT weirdos.  And not in the fun kind of way.  No, I'm talking about in the stress you out until you lose your f**king mind kind of way. 

Let me set a scene for you.  I got a text...NOT A CALL A F**KING text that said "Patriarch fell in the bathroom.  Had to call Fire dept. Matriarch said he's acting funny and talking odd." 

What would you have said???  I said "did he have a stroke??? what hospital is he at?" 

20 min later "He's not at the hospital.  I'm going over there later."

WTF?!?!?!  Apparently its not too bad.

STG 8:30PM I get another f**king text "He looks bad.  He shakes.  Maybe a stroke.  Never slept.  Won't eat.  Maybe Dr. will call me tomorrow.  Say a prayer."

Are you F**KING kidding me???  "I'll say a prayer but....You think he had a stroke...and he's home?!?!?!  Call 911 NOW, the first few hours after a stroke are CRUCIAL to survival!!!!"  I get he is over 90 but COME ON. 

20 texts back and forth and I'm told "he knows what stroke is, he fine.  Don't call the other kids, don't want to worry them.  No hospital.  He's going to sleep."

My side of the 20 texts "Call.the.ambulance.NOW!  Don't you think we should at LEAST call his kids...ya know in case this goes south.  What if he doesn't wake up!?!?  Fine, whatever!  Don't listen to me.  Clearly you crazy people know more than a medical professional!!!!!" (not me but I still thought he should see one)

I attempted to go to sleep...which can I tell you really didn't f**king happen.  Then I went to work because you know "responsibilities".  I waited until 10:40AM to attempt contact.  Mother F**king crickets.  Seriously?!?!!?  You TEXT me and basically imply the Patriarch is dying, then tell me it isn't so bad, then don't answer the god blessed phone....WHAT IS WRONG WITH YOU?!!?!?

I have been semi sane.  I've only called every 30-40 min and sent a few texts.  Still...NOTHING! I would assume if it was bad, I'd have gotten a response but who f**king knows.  These are the same people that thought after a 90+ yo fell he DIDN'T need to be seen by a doc. 

I hate docs to but can we make an adult decision.  A LOGICAL adult decision.  For my f**king sanity.  And God help me if I get a TEXT with bad news...I may lose my mind for real.