You sit on a throne of lies!

So this amazing thing...technology.  You can go online, see whats in stock at your local store, order it, and it should be ready in a timely manner.  OMG so cool...I hate shopping. 

So I did this.  I went online found things in stock and paid for them.  3.25 hours later I still don't have a "hey your order is ready text/email".  Hmmmmm.  So I called.  Most places that offer this service do it within an hour. 

The Customer Service lady says "Hmmm, they usually do it within an hour.  We don't get that many yet, its a newer service and I am pretty sure you are the only one.  Yea, Ima be honest with you, they probably forgot to check the cue.  I'll get them on the phone." Kk.

Other lady:  Mmmmm hmmmm did you get an email saying it was ready?
Me: No.... (whats with the attitude???)
Other lady: Well then it isn't ready.
Me: Okaaaaay...I got that.  I was wondering how long it normally takes.
Other lady: You see once we get it we have to put it in to process it, then we have to go on the floor and find it.  Then we tell you its ready.
Me: Right, I understand the process but how long does that take?
Other lady: Once we get it we have to put it in to process it, then we have to go on the floor and find it.  Then we tell you its ready.
Me: *getting irritated* Yes, yes but I ordered it 3.5 hours ago now and....
Other lady: *hand to God she said*  Once we get it we have to put it in to process it, then we have to go on the floor and find it.  Did you get an email? No. So it isn't ready.
Me: But the first lady said I am the only online order and it usually only takes an hour to....
Other lady: You will get an email *click*

WHAT THE ACTUAL F**K?!?!?  Clearly someone didn't do their job...or didn't want to do their job.  So yea I don't like being a B**ch BUT $hitty customer service is my PET PEEVE.  Therefore I am filing a complaint with corporate.  I shop at this store all the time...makes me want to reconsider.

This is why I am reluctant to help people

I waited over a week to post this and still feel the same........

I've lived through 4 major floods, I can say this fully knowing what is happening in your head.  Don't be an @$$hole to people trying to help you!  I know tensions are high.  I know emotions are raw.  I know what it feels like to be homeless, even if temporary.  I know what it feels like to lose almost everything you possess.  And I know hearing things like "well at least you are alive" is not what you want to hear.  I know ALL OF THESE THINGS, which is why against my better judgement I agreed to help.

I am not talking about gutting houses or donating items.  I did and will do that too.  I am talking about being guilted into calling in a favor.  I don't call in favors for others.  I'll call in favors for myself (RARELY) but I am hesitant to do it for others because I have been burned in the past. 

I knew this would backfire.  I f**king knew it!  But I did it anyway because I am way to flipping nice.  I called in a favor.  I BYPASSED a waiting list.  I rushed things that are not normally rushed.  But no, that wasn't good enough.  "What do you mean 5 days?  I need it now."  Yea well so does the 100,000+ other people that flooded.  So I pushed more than I wanted to and somehow got it taken care of in 2.5 days.  When I shared this WONDERFUL news I heard crickets.  8 hours later I received a text....not a call...a text..."Oh we don't need it anymore".  What?!?!?! You couldn't have told me that sooner?!?!?!  Like before normal business hours end....

So now I have to call my people that made miracles happen and tell them "oh yea you know all that work you did for me...never mind".  This is why I don't f**king help people!  I've been in that situation.  I've been homeless and in need and I NEVER...NEVER...NEVER pulled some bull$hit like this.  Clearly you have no respect for me.  Clearly you do not value me.  Clearly you think you can $hit on me and its no big deal.  F**k off.  I'm still going to help rebuild because again I am a nice f**king human being but I will NEVER call in a favor again.  I don't care who you are, not.gonna.happen.

Look I was 100% scatterbrained for 3 months after Katrina and 6 months after Isaac.  I get it but I always made sure to be appreciative of those that were going above and beyond to help me.  I must be a different breed because even with being completely overwhelmed I made sure everyone knew how much I valued their assistance. 

Be considerate to others for f**ks sake!

Rant over. 

P.S. I was told..."oh they didn't mean anything they are just forgetful".  BULL$HIT!  We texted and called repeatedly and no longer needing this was NOT mentioned.  

I didn't know hair grew under your eyes....

So I saw this:

Sweet!  I need help with that...mine get puffy and dark.  Its hereditary so I need all the help I can get.
Then I got to number six...Rosemary:

Wait, stimulates hair growth...? And my imagination went wild.

Le me with dark puffy undereyes...I need essential oil!

I should make - Rosemary Green Tea Under Eye Toner

What probably happens...Le me with no more baggy under eyes

 Where my imagination went....

The f**k kinda bull$hit is this?!?!  Has anyone in history had to shave their under eyes?  Well growing hair there would reduce the appearance of under eye bags....

Why does my brain work like this?!?!?!?!?!

In reality "Rosemary essential oil contains ceffeic and rosemarinic acid, both being strong anti-inflammatory agents that help reduce inflammation. It also acts as a mild diuretic that reduces swelling."  Which would help with puffy dark circles.  Ahhhh I see.  So no hairy under eyes.  Got it.

I am so weird.....

Why do I need to know who died in North Carolina...EVERYDAY?!?!

Soooooooooooooooooooo I started getting Obituary Notices for parts of North Carolina.  I guess this is another one of my lovely "subscriptions".  I was very shocked to find out C. Edwin Berry passed away.  I don't know who that is but I am sure he will be missed. 

I Unsubscribed but I already had like 15 so this should be fun...

Cause I'm Freeeeeeeeeeeeeeee....free ballin'.... wait...

So one of my lovely new subscriptions came through today....WTF?!!?!?

Subject: Shorts worthy of Juan Valdéz's beans

Innocent me thinks "Coffee Beans".  I scroll down to get to the "Unsubscribe Button"...

"Gym shorts for the free balling crotch crusaders"

Wait...what?!?!?!

We made gym shorts worthy of Juan Valdéz.
The world's favorite bean picker. This is his story.

WHAT THE ACTUAL F**K?!?!  Nice legs Juan

#1: Juan got his start collecting Mexican Wrestling cards. He had the only complete set of La Chupacabra - or the Mexican Strangler.

He sold his collection in '71 for $635 - but that's like 2.7 billion pesos.

I MEAN THIS IS A JOKE....RIGHT?!?!

#2: Juan started his import operation on a small scale. He made a drug mule out of a box turtle and a turkey sandwich on rye.

The sandwich was for the turtle.

WHAT IS THIS?!!?

#4: Juan was such a cocksure teen, he entered his own dongle into a cockfight and lost terribly.

All was not lost, turns out old Juan had bet against himself and made a killing. OH...OH...OW!!!!!!!!!!

#5: Juan appeared on The Price is Right and won the Showcase Showdown.

But he never saw a dime of his winnings due to a legal dispute over taxes owed on a brand new Chevy Cavalier and a collection of women's shoes.

#6: To celebrate his boy's Quinceañera, Juan had his son blow up a cow with a bazooka.

But out of respect for the cow, he used all of the meat in a guyo-pinto styled dish that was the talk of the town for days.  CLEARLY THIS IS SOME SATIRICAL SOMETHING...RIGHT?!?!

#7: Juan has a lifetime ban from Dave and Busters for cashing in counterfeit tickets.

He made off with a giant panda and a dozen Twizzlers.

*SNORT*

#8: To commemorate his 50th birthday, Juan's hometown of Tunja gave him a key to the city.

In return, Juan gave all the town's women pretty severe UTIs.

OMG....EWWWWWW! *pahahaha* You received this email because you're constantly getting high fives when wearing a pair of slim cut mesh shorts.    Birddogs...okaaaaaaay.  Its a "legit"  site. This is BY FAR the most interesting subscription f**kwit signed me up for.

And suddenly I am an emotionally compromised teenage girl

Just call me Mayhem!

No but really.  So I was minding my own business...browsing Social Media and I saw this...

While yes that is so cute and sweet.  And yes my husband does give me little forehead kisses on occasion...especially when I am sad or distraught (like when our older dog died in his sleep...*still not over that one*).  Anyways, all I could f**king think about was stupid fictional characters and now I want to scream.  Because.....

Ahhhhhhhhhhhhh.  Now I want to lock myself in a room listening angst-y teenage music while I sit in a corner and cry about OTPs...or OTFs...OT(insert word of choice) or whatever.  Not all are romantic...just affectionate and *gah* I need a drink. 

Peace, I am going get more coffee (no alcohol...YET!). 

P.S.  Mulder and Scully were my original "OTP".  I was like nine and going "OMG y'all love each other stop being in denial!!!!!"

P.P.S. There are sooooo many more I could add but I had to stop myself! 

Listen here you C*ck juggling thunderc*nt

I hate you so much! "Your virginity breeds mites, much like a cheese."  Hmmm does that fit...?  Whatever.  I hope the fleas of 1000 camels infest your pubic hair.  Or in other words, get a f**king life you slimy tw@tbooger!!!!

Alright so it happened again.  Some c*m guzzling whale vagina signed me up for no less than 500 email subscriptions last night.  I did some creative Googling to find out WTF because I clearly wasn't hacked. Apparently this is a thing.  Why is this a f**king thing?!?!?!!?

Some @nal crumpet with a computer and no life clearly has some code he/she has written that's sole purpose is just to f**k with people.  Its not a virus or an identity thief thing.  It is literally a program that takes a bunch of emails that they STOLE and subscribes them to random lists/newsletters just because they can.  At least that is the general conclusion other targets like myself have come up with.

Unsuspecting people like me, get hundreds of "hey thanks for subscribing" emails overnight while we are sleeping.  I think I killed 1/2 my battery trying to load my emails this morning not realizing what the hell was happening.  And look I don't just use my email willy nilly.  Meaning if a site looks sketch I steer clear.  So thank you, you festering f**cknugget for my "pending" subscriptions to all those lovely Musician email lists, money saving ideas, $hit that is another language with letters I don't recognize, and Christian meet up crap.  Seriously more than half are "Christian Mingling"(I feel like this is the forgotten love child of Christian Mingle), "Christian Camping Meetup" (Ummmmm), "Christian singles in your area", "Christian and Proud Newsletter", "how to meet your Christian Match", and "Porch Pockets"....WTF is a porch pocket?!?!!?

I don't know if festering f**knugget is even a thing but it was something I blurted out while blocking and deleting 500+ emails!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! You my friend are the infected hair on the ball-sack of a rabid trash panda.  Wait...no, you are the puss around the infected hair.  Actually you are the crusty dried up plug that keeps the puss contained around the infected hair!!!

Alright, I am done.....for now.  I f**king hate this $hit.  Why don't you grow up and use your powers of programming for GOOD?!?!?!

PS  I apologize for my colorful insults.  I am supremely annoyed! 

PPS I am not claiming to have come up with all of these. I just picked some of them up along the way while browsing Imgur, Reddit, etc.