What in the what what did I just read...?

*link*

I, um, who comes up wit this?!!?!

“63% of the females (37 of 59) tested harbored male microchimerism in the brain. Male microchimerism was present in multiple brain regions.”

Uh huh....and how exactly does that happen...?  Well glad you asked...

"Sperm is alive. It is living cells. When it is injected into you it swims and swims until it crashes headlong into a wall, and then it attaches and burrows into your flesh. If it’s in your mouth it swims and climbs into your nasal passages, inner ear, and behind your eyes. Then it digs in. It enters your blood stream and collects in your brain and spine."

I mean there were 3 other rare options but this was the last...what on Earth?!?!?  This cannot be real... right?!?  I feel like this is something taken out of context...otherwise this is just weird AF.    

This is why I make my husband do it!

I am not a "the man does this around the house" or a "woman's job is ___" kinda girl.  Do what you feel comfortable doing and ask help with the rest.  Right?  Right!

Anywhos, I decided to do something I rarely do these days.  I decided to bring the trash bins to the curb.  I will take the trash out to the bin but I don't usually bring the bin out because it tends to be quite hefty.  Well since I was home alone and I didn't want to forget...I decided to be helpful and do this minor task.

I walked up to the bin and pulled...it doesn't budge.
OW! WTF is in here?!?!
So I grab and *heeeeaaaaaave*...no
Hmmmm....

Now a logical person would have OPENED the bin to see What the f**k was going on.  I am not that person.

I did a two handed grab and leaned back with all my weight...it barely budges.  *grrrr*

*spit, spit, rub* (jk that's gross).  I grabbed and pulled with all my might & weight.

It starts to tilt...yes...YES!  Then the weight of it pulls it all the way down and out of my grasp...no...no...NO!

It hits the ground, the lid flies off and PUTRID...I mean absolutely RANCID water comes sloshing out...ALL OVER ME.

*ahhhhhhhh*  I'm not talking about a little water...we are talking GALLONS.  It must have been half full of water.  But also full of...trash.  It contained cat litter, kitchen trash, bathroom trash, dog poop bags, and God knows what else.

It smelled like something died, baked in the sun, was eaten, vomited up, eaten again...and then that creature died too.  Just pure nasty and I was COVERED IN IT!

I did something I would usually not do. I....I...*gulp* I....*shudder*....I scooped up the limp wads of trash goop that washed out with my bare hands that were already covered in stinky brown water.  Picked up the bin.  Walked it to the curb.  Calmly walked back to my door...hid behind my car...and stripped off my clothes, while dancing around  saying "gross gross gross gross." 

I am not sure anyone saw me...but if they did, they got a great view of me in my bra & thong as I bolted into my laundry room.

I tossed everything in the wash, stripped off my undies, and took the HOTTEST shower I could stand.

Either the smell is still on me or its just burned into my nostrils bc I can still smell it.....

I don't know what divinity I pissed off but I am sorry...please stop torturing me!!!

I don't think I have that maternal thing people talk about

First off I am being funny!!!

So everyone keeps telling me one day I will regret not having kids.  And while I think I would be a pretty good mom, I just don't have that envie (ahn-ve).  Don't get me wrong I do like kids.  I love my nieces & nephews & friends kids.  I love them all to bits.  And when I'm holding my 3 month old nephew I think, "okay, yea.  We should probably really think about doing this kid thing".   Then that adorable little chunky monkey decides to spit up milk all over my bare shoulder and it drips between my tatas.  Oh that's cute...now I know why my mommy friends and family are grossed out by nothing.

Because they are soiled daily by their littles.  Maybe if it was my little but ...yea.  I still love him to pieces.  It really wasn't that bad just caught me off guard.  I usually have a burp cloth...lesson learned!  They kept apologizing which I was like "dude its fine, no biggie" but I will say that is not something I am looking forward to.

It is hilarious though.  The second we walk in, its like "mommy & daddy need a break.  go bug your auntie".     My job, which I take VERY seriously, is to wear those little boogers out so mom and dad can get a little relief.  I can't imagine having one running all over, much less two with an infant.  I think I'd go bonkers.  But you can't deny they are the most adorable little stinkers that ever walked the planet.

Best form of birth control...go visit your family/friends with kids.

I have questions...mainly how does one wipe...?!?

I am all about "to each his own".  I really don't care what you wear, your style, your taste, etc.  I think its great when people have their own style.  But sometimes I have practicality questions...this is one of those times.

Don't get me wrong these look really cool but....

HOW....?!?!?

My lady parts just screamed in fear.  I really think I would severely injure my hoohah even with a wad of TP.

Now these aren't so bad but I feel like the jewels would catch on EVERYTHING....

I mean what if you want to...have a little fun alone...even with a toy, there is still the risk of vag stab. Gives new meaning to mid-cycle bleeding....  "Ooops, looks like I have a piercing now". 

Oh come on!  Do you have a hand maiden doing your hair?!?!!?  How do you TYPE?!?!  I am so confused....

Again...do these people not touch their hair?!?!  My hand would be stuck and I'd have to chop off 5".

*evil witch cackle* Come closer my pretty, so I can stab your eyes out *ahhhhahahahahaa* Wait didn't the chick in X-men have nails that grew like this?!?!?!

Sorry!  I mean go 'head gurl, if this is your thing.  I just think I would injure myself and/or not be able to perform daily functions...like peeing (wiping) without assistance!  I am clumsy enough without sharp objects attached to my fingers. I'd probably poke my own eye out.

Police Officer:  how'd she die?
Husband: She fell on her fancy nails
Police Officer: *sigh* that is the 5th one this month!