What is it about "commitment" that freaks some men out?
Well we had our talk this past weekend after he got back. It was what I like to call a MARATHON conversation. It lasted for 3 days!!!! Let's see he got in Thursday and it was extreme attention. We had close to zero conversation but he was SUPER affectionate...what the hell?!? Well Friday came around and I wasn't about to bring anything up, I wanted him to start the conversation and to my surprise he did.
It started very calm. We talked about why I thought he had a personality disorder (which I still think he does...read the symptoms its eerily close). Of course when he started to see the Symptoms and realize I wasn't kidding he flipped it on me and said "Oh you and all your stupid Psycho Babble." Gee thanks! We talked about his "family secret" FINALLY he freaking told me even though I've known and it's been killing me that he didn't trust me enough to share it with me. So we talked until 2AM, I think. I was explaining what I saw and he was listening. It didn't really go all that well. He still didn't open up completely but we were both drinking so I think that helped us loosen up a little. Then I told him about how he ignores me. He sits at the computer and I can walk around butt naked and he doesn't notice. He OF COURSE said that wasn't true so I did a demo of how that usually goes. He was a bit surprised but whatever. Then one thing led to another and well lets just say I had a momentary lapse of control. I know DUMB but stuff happens. Well not too long after that we went to bed and he crawled in next to me...what tha??? Whatever I was drunk and tired so we slept.
Saturday morning we woke up and things were kinda back to normal. UNTIL he sudden;y says, "are you doing anything today, cuz I'm gonna head to BR for the Baseball game". Well that affected me because I thought we would attempt to talk more. I didn't say anything though because I didn't feel like being THAT girl.
Well he for the first time in a long time realized something was not 'right' and started talking to me. I just started crying. I couldn't help it, everything in my mind was bubbling out. Like I was thinking about how I wanted to get married, be happy, have babies and that I thought he was that person. He led me to believe he was that person etc etc etc. Well he was of course hugging me the whole time saying he understood which is bull but whatever. After i calmed down a little he went back to the other couch. I forced him to explain how he proposed to me in Aug 2006 and then suddenly changed his mind.
HIS RESPONSE was killer. He actually told me that after he did it, he realized that it wasn't what he wanted. He wasn't ready to be married. I asked for further clarification bc it really didn't make sense to me. He said and I quote "I see marriage as a means to start a family and have children and since I am not ready to have kids why get married." So my cocky response was "so you're telling me all those people that are married and not actively trying to have kids are...doing what exactly." He back peddled, thats not what he meant. Right, yea OK!!!! So I asked him what scared him about marrying me...I mean really pretty much all that would change between us is I would change my name and we'd probably open a joint account along with our individual ones. He didn't know what to say...he really hadn't looked at it that way...oh my god really?!?!!?
Well I was pretty pissed off at this point so I wasn't being cautious with my words and I honestly do not know what I said but I upset him...ALOT. He got extremely emotional and said he didn't know how I could sit there and be so hurtful...excuse me!?!?!?!? He said it's the way I was talking to him, it cut like a knife...so of course being pissed, I said "good you deserve to suffer"!!! Probably not the most mature moment but I really don't care anymore. He said he wasn't supposed to do this to me. He wasn't supposed to hurt me like them. He was supposed to protect me and keep me from hurting. HAHAHAHA, no really I started laughing and went and sat by him. I told him he is seriously blind bc he hurt me more than any other dumb ex I have had thus far...and thats impressive because it took me a while to get over the one before him. So I said, "so when do you want me out?" That just sent him into more of a downward spiral of emotion. Well we talked for a while and he hugged me and I sobbed (pathetic I know but it just wouldn't stop). Well we both ended up falling asleep on the couch from exhaustion I guess it was around 4PM, needless to say no baseball game for him.
Well we woke up about 8PM. He wanted to get dinner for us, um OK. We got Italian Pie and he came next to me on the couch afterwards and snuggled. Anyone else find a freakin' problem with this?!?!?! Anyways we sat on the couch for a few hours watching TV. Then went to bed and AGAIN he got in there with me...which I find very strange. I stayed on my side, he on his and we slept.
Okay on to Mother's day. He went through a guilt trip. He felt awful for things that had happened the night before. Then BIG RED FLAG. I left to go see my mom and take her out. He went to the baseball game in Baton Rouge. His mom called me later that night and said she has two sons and a daughter in law and I was the only one who sent her a card. That made me feel so bad for her...because I usually do the mother's day thing where I have my mom and her over for lunch/dinner. But since all this crap is going on that didn't happen and no one did anything for her... NOT COOL.
So that was my MARATHON weekend of talking. The sad thing is nothing was accomplished. We talked sort of but nothing was resolved...no decisions were made. I am still in flipping limbo and I really really really hate it!!!!!
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