I need a rock to crawl under STAT!

Don't you hate when your body betrays you?!?!!?  I am not talking about anything sexual you perv.  I am talking about bodily...um...functions. 

In my day to day I am on the phone a lot, right...right.  Anyway I am very conscious of the "noises"  I make because I know what it is like to be on the receiving end of smacking or drinking or eating.  Anyway!  So I was just on the phone and as I was talking more than the air needed for my words escaped.  It wasn't like a belch but like a growl.  Excuse me while I die. I don't know if the person heard it but based on my previous dealing I am 99.9% certain they did.  But I don't think they thought it was a burp...maybe a groan of frustration...I tried to cover it with a cough but lord knows if that worked.  Argh! Now I am all freaking out...what if they thought I was (Insert anything embarrassing you can think of here).

I am sure it wasn't noticed...right...right!?!?!?  I need reassurance...and a rock *sigh*

If you are a friend of Jesus, you'll be quiet

Sing that to the tune of "if you're happy and you know it, clap your hands."  I actually used this recently with some kids I really don't know who were about to drive me up a wall.  Thankfully they were just as scared as I used to be that Jesus would think I didn't want to be his friend unless I stopped talking.  I mean, you don't want our Lord and Savior saying "*sigh* little Johnny there wouldn't stop whispering to Susie.  Guess he isn't my friend after all *sniffle*."

Seriously though,  these few words could silence an entire assembly in seconds.  Picture a sweet looking nun standing in-front of the school assembly singing that in the most lovely Spanish accent with her hands clasped in front of her.  Of course, this same sweet little nun could put the fear of God in you with just a look.  And I am not talking about a mean look.  She would look at you with a sweet smile and shining eyes and correct you.  Then you suddenly felt like the most awful child on the planet, "oh no!  Why did I do _____?!?!?".  Even if it was something as silly as using the last of the craft glitter and now no one else can make a shiny snowman.  "Dear God, I am a horrible 9 year old!"  

There were different variations also..."if you are a friend of Jesus, you'll sit down." or "if you are a friend of Jesus, you'll line up to go to lunch" or "if you are a friend of Jesus, you'll stop hitting the little girl you think is cute." Okay maybe the last two are a me being silly (or maybe not).  But I can tell you 99.99999% of the time all good little Catholic kids at my school would IMMEDIATELY stop whatever they were doing that could make them not a friend of Jesus.  It was freaking GENIUS!!! 

Anyway, apparently I learned quite a lesson from her.  When kids are misbehaving tell them Jesus wont be their friend unless they stop.  Voila, perfect little angels...muahahahaha.  My luck I will say this one day and some little $hit will be like, "good thing I worship the prince of darkness" to which I will throw salt and holy water on said child, a la Winchester style and hope I am not sued by the parents when the little booger starts sizzling. 

It's opposite day!

Today is the day that yes mean no, please means f**k you, up means down and don't do that means do it...do it with VIGOR!


I swear I just had a conversation with someone that made me want to beat my head into my desk.  I was informed of a problem. The following ensued.

Me: Oh, ok, I know how to fix it, do this. 
Them: So I should do that, right?  
Me: No, no, no...do this, just like I said it. 
Them: Ohhhhhh okay, so I should do this and that. 
Me: No, make sure you are only doing THIS *clenched teeth*. 
Them: But what about that...  
Me: FORGET THAT, that is not important do this.
Them: I did that and its still not working
Me: Well, its because that isn't what you need...you need this...so do this and ignore that.
Them:  Okaaaay, got it...I guess I didn't realize that was not important....Oh look, it is exactly what I needed.  Who knew?!?
Me: *head on desk* *defeated* Oh good, good, glad it worked.  *thinking* "I knew, I f**king knew and I tried to tell you!!!!!"
Them: Thank you dear, you are a miracle worker!
Me: *internal manic laughter* sure, no problem. Happy to help!

This also happened with another person via email a few minutes prior to that conversation.

~~early in the day~~
Me:  Hey, I need you to go over the attached and tell me how to update it based on the new information.
Them: Oh thanks, delete all of it.
Me:  Um, just to clarify...I should delete everything in the attached...?
Them:  Yes, delete all of it.
*all data deleted as requested*
~~~2 hours later~~~
Them: Where is the data?!?!  It's like it was all deleted.  Why was it all deleted?
Me: *utterly confused* Well that was what you said to do
Them: No, that's not what I meant.  I meant update it.
***WTF?!?!  Since when does delete everything, mean update it***
Me: I'm just going to put it back the way it was until you say otherwise.
Them: No, don't do that it's wrong.
*JFC make up your mind!*

Why does it always have to be snakes?!?!

Ha, I was channeling my inner Indiana Jones.  Let me clarify I am not frightened of snakes.  I actually am quite fascinated by them.  I wanted a pet snake soooooo bad when I was a kid but my mom thought I was nuts and said no.  Lately though I am teensy bit paranoid when in my yard.  I mean we had a near death (of an animal) because of a poisonous one that made its way into our yard a few months back. 

*Flash Back*
Dog very lethargic...looked like someone was murdered in my house.  There was watery blood EVERYWHERE! Me thinking dog is dying because he's old...took dog to vet and vet said "Um, I found two puncture wounds".  OMG!!! 
He is fine now.  But we never found a snake. 

Then about a week ago, I heard what sounded like a rattle coming from my psycho neighbors yard.  I freaked and pretty much threw one of my dogs away from the fence!  "Go inside!!!!! Why are you looking at me like that, shoo!" It could have been a bug but I wasn't taking any chances.  It scared me because it was late....and dark....and well you just never know.

*back to present*
Then...then...I found EVIDENCE!  You see I was in my yard picking up knocked over potted plants.  Something I always do after a crazy rainstorm.  As I picked up my poor beat up Gerber Daisy, I saw something stripped move, in the pot.  *scream* I let out a yell and dropped the plant.  "Run awaaaay, run awaaaaay!" Whatever it was SLITHERED under some leaves.  After I did the "what the f**k* was that" dance and dragged my dogs inside, "ahhhhh don't go over there!!!  OMG you dumbo, go inside!", I composed myself.  I was...not scared...more concerned.  So I tried to find it by poking the leaves with a stick.  I mean that's what we humans do, right?  "There's something that doesn't make sense. Let's go and poke it with a stick." Well I couldn't find the damn thing.  So I got my other half and we searched.  Him fussing me for not being more cautious.  Which I mean you never know what this thing is so I guess I should have been more careful.  Anyway, after moving stuff around we found it.  A little less than a foot long, baby snake.  Since we had a problem with something poisonous before it was a "ahhhhhh kill it, KILL IT" reaction instead of our normal, "oooooooo what is it" reaction.  The problem was we couldn't identify it.  I know king snakes and most garter snakes and milk snakes but this one was different so I wasn't sure and neither was he.  Maybe it WAS poisonous! 

So as an after thought I searched and searched online...it wasn't poisonous *oops* it was actually quite harmless.  "doh!" But we were in a we'd rather be safe than sorry mode.  We don't need another snake bite issue.  So I guess we will have to treat the yard again with the snake away stuff...

Worst Morning EVER!

So not only am I dying of some unknown upper respiratory something or another but I stepped in a great big ol' pile of cah cah today, quite literally. 

So apparently I have a "cold" but I feel like I've been run over by the biggest bus ever and I look like death so obviously I have some undocumented mutated strain of who knows what (thank you co-workers for ALWAYS coming in sick and touching my stuff).  So I feel like a$$, look like a$$, been working 14 hour days and have had countless meetings for the past two weeks, on top of regular day to day crap.  This morning was the proverbial straw...I almost burst into tears. 

I snoozed my alarm who knows how many times today.  My brain feels like its about to drip out of my ear.  My eyes feel like they are going to pop out of my face.  I can't smell anything and I have a little cough.  BUT I can't call in sick because well I just can't.  Normally I would but there is just no way at this moment in time so I will go in and try not to come in contact with anyone (and use a hell of a lot of Germ-X).  Anyway, I dragged myself out of bed, shuffled over to the bathroom in the dark, stepped into the doorway and then freaked the F**K out! 

There is nothing worse then stepping BAREFOOT into an unknown substance in the dark, especially when said unknown substance oozes in between your toes.  I screamed as loud as my raspy voice would allow, flicked on the light and started whining.  Swear to God I sounded like a toddler about to throw one hell of a tantrum.  It looked like my septic tank exploded!  Except we don't have a septic tank and it did NOT explode but one of my animals did.  There was s**t and vomit everywhere.  I seriously was about to just cry.  I had diarrhea between my toes, I was running 20 minutes behind schedule, and I am sick.  Because I am sick my nose did not WARN me of what I was about to step in.  To top it off, whomever unloaded themselves all over my floor and rugs also tap danced in it.  I had shitty paw prints all over the place and splatters up the wall.  FML!!!! My husband is looking at me from the bed going "I knew I smelled something", OMG really?!?!  Then he just stayed there.  Until I was like "UM HELP" as I stood with my foot in the tub trying to burn off the first few layers of skin. He went get supplies and we started the cleaning the $hitstorm of 2014. 

One roll of paper towels and half a bottle of spic and span later we had a clean floor.  I threw out one of the rugs, there was just no saving it.  The other looked fine but we washed it anyway *shudder*.   Then I realized that someone was trying to warn me.  I had a black kitten attacking me this morning.  She even went under the covers and bit my back!  She was smacking me in the face, pulling my hair, meowing...basically being a royal pain in the a$$.  I kept smacking her away, "*swat* OMG cat go away, mommy is tired!"  Now I know...oh do I know!  She was like "hey lady!!!!! Lady!!!! Something BAD BAD happened in that white room that makes the noise that scares me.  LADY!!!!!!!!!!!". 

So in case you were thinking you are having a bad day, just remember at least you didn't have to clean diarrhea from between your toes this A.M.  

That is it, I'm going to start being RUDE

I have never in all the years I have been working felt more compelled to lash out at certain persons more so than now.  I can take a lot.  And I don't take it personally, it is business but when you start insulting me in front of others, we have a problem. 

You may think it is cute and funny but I think you are a twat booger!  Yes I said that...yes I know it is gross...no I do not care....yes I am pretty sure I invented a new term, it is my new insult when dealing with idiots. 

Have I told you how much I love dealing with unprofessional people in a professional setting...?  I mean I just adore it when you are in a room of people and the only thing the person who called the meeting can focus on is my attire/accessories/personal life/etc.  As in things that have ZERO to do with the meeting.  I can't be overly rude, I have to be professional but I will give you the evil eye so just stop!  I also love it when someone who called the meeting or is one of the "Dept Heads" implies that I push off my work on others.  I am ONE person, ONE, if I have to give something to my admin because I don't have time, well I will.  It doesn't mean I am "passing it off" on her, it means I am delegating because I have other s**t to do!  You are a jerk for saying that at all much less in front of a room full of people!!!  What is sad is this is more than one person at different customers doing the SAME THING!

Did I mention that these are persons of the male gender?!?  Well they are...they are and they make me and probably other women in these meetings rather uncomfortable.  I am not your friend...I am not your buddy, I am a VENDOR and I have a million other things I need to be doing that do not involve me sitting here and explaining that although I wear a lot of blue, purple is in fact my favorite color or why I don't have kids.  That my not friend is NONE OF YOUR BUSINESS!   

I can be "work acquaintances" with customers but somewhere in the midst of your life you have forgotten how to separate work acquaintances from personal friends.  Work acquaintances do not discuss vacations in depth...seriously who needs to know what I drank while on vacay.  My actual co-workers (who are friends) don't even know that nor did they ask. 

I don't get it.  Apparently I am not the only one who feels some of these people are inappropriate and guess what all the others who feel this way are female.  Shocking I know.  These "men" are like a ticking time bomb...one day they are going to say something to the wrong person and end up on the receiving end of a lawsuit.  I believe they are "harmless" but they do speak to me as though I am below them sometimes and it makes me want to backhand them... out the window...from the 4th floor.  I guess not 100% harmless because I think if it came down to it they would sh*t all over my reputation just to save their a$$e$ so yea. 

But watch...just watch...I am going to be less kind (not even rude) and suddenly I am going to be the one that is "difficult to work with" or a "b***h".  How much ya wanna bet?

"Good News Everyone"

You read that in his voice, didn't you? Hahahahaha.  Anyway, I realized this morning that my car has a cloaking device!  I've joked before that I think I bought a transformer because my car has personality (not possessed just prissy) or possibly the chameleon circuit started working again and I bought "Sexy" somehow or maybe her sister, hmmmm.  I mean she is the perfect shade of BLUE and does seem bigger on the inside.  So who is to say she doesn't have a cloaking device or perception filter or something.  Neato torpedo!!!  Oh yikes, never saying that again. 

I've mentioned in the past few months that people just don't see my car.  I had a blue car before this one (actually IDENTICAL to this one) and before that a small silver car.  So I am no stranger to small vehicles and have never had a major issue prior to now.  But lately it is like other vehicles just don't see me.  They pull out in front of me, change lanes when I am right there or almost run into the back of me like they don't realize a car is in front of them. And it is not all massive vehicles some are smaller than mine!

Today is when I realized it HAS to be because my car is cloaking itself (not because other drivers are idiots and clearly aren't paying attention). OMG so cool and I didn't have to pay extra!!!  The problem with that is, it is absolutely RANDOM and it almost killed me this morning!  I was going 55 mph (the actual speed limit) down a 4 lane highway with a turning lane in the middle.  There was NO ONE ELSE AROUND.  No one next to me, no one behind me.  The sun was hidden by clouds so you can't blame glare.  Suddenly this white mustang decided to cross said highway to get to the turning lane.  Normally not an issue but a vehicle coming in the other direction got in the turning lane which caused the white mustang to just stop...blocking my lane and part of the other.  *screeching tires* *down shifting* *horn blaring* *trying to maintain control of my car while braking and attempting to switch lanes*.  I think you get the picture.  The main problem was I was already too close when he went so switching lanes safely wasn't really an option.  One I was going too fast so cutting the wheel hard enough to miss him at that speed I would have lost control.  Two I was focused on braking and thinking "who the f**k stops in the middle of a highway".  Three still braking and white knuckling the wheel, "why did you go?!?! There is literally no one behind me, I could have passed and none of this would be happening!!!!" This happened in seconds...it is amazing the thoughts you can have in such a short period of time. 

All I can say is THANK GOD I have good brakes and was actually paying attention.  I stopped centimeters from his car.  He looked at me like he had no idea where I came from.  It was like I "appeared out of no where".  So there you go...cloaking device or perception filter...or I dunno pick your sci-fi term.  The point is my car can vanish from sight and randomly reappear, that is the only logical explanation.