I didn't know hair grew under your eyes....

So I saw this:

Sweet!  I need help with that...mine get puffy and dark.  Its hereditary so I need all the help I can get.
Then I got to number six...Rosemary:

Wait, stimulates hair growth...? And my imagination went wild.

Le me with dark puffy undereyes...I need essential oil!

I should make - Rosemary Green Tea Under Eye Toner

What probably happens...Le me with no more baggy under eyes

 Where my imagination went....

The f**k kinda bull$hit is this?!?!  Has anyone in history had to shave their under eyes?  Well growing hair there would reduce the appearance of under eye bags....

Why does my brain work like this?!?!?!?!?!

In reality "Rosemary essential oil contains ceffeic and rosemarinic acid, both being strong anti-inflammatory agents that help reduce inflammation. It also acts as a mild diuretic that reduces swelling."  Which would help with puffy dark circles.  Ahhhh I see.  So no hairy under eyes.  Got it.

I am so weird.....

Why do I need to know who died in North Carolina...EVERYDAY?!?!

Soooooooooooooooooooo I started getting Obituary Notices for parts of North Carolina.  I guess this is another one of my lovely "subscriptions".  I was very shocked to find out C. Edwin Berry passed away.  I don't know who that is but I am sure he will be missed. 

I Unsubscribed but I already had like 15 so this should be fun...

Cause I'm Freeeeeeeeeeeeeeee....free ballin'.... wait...

So one of my lovely new subscriptions came through today....WTF?!!?!?

Subject: Shorts worthy of Juan Valdéz's beans

Innocent me thinks "Coffee Beans".  I scroll down to get to the "Unsubscribe Button"...

"Gym shorts for the free balling crotch crusaders"

Wait...what?!?!?!

We made gym shorts worthy of Juan Valdéz.
The world's favorite bean picker. This is his story.

WHAT THE ACTUAL F**K?!?!  Nice legs Juan

#1: Juan got his start collecting Mexican Wrestling cards. He had the only complete set of La Chupacabra - or the Mexican Strangler.

He sold his collection in '71 for $635 - but that's like 2.7 billion pesos.

I MEAN THIS IS A JOKE....RIGHT?!?!

#2: Juan started his import operation on a small scale. He made a drug mule out of a box turtle and a turkey sandwich on rye.

The sandwich was for the turtle.

WHAT IS THIS?!!?

#4: Juan was such a cocksure teen, he entered his own dongle into a cockfight and lost terribly.

All was not lost, turns out old Juan had bet against himself and made a killing. OH...OH...OW!!!!!!!!!!

#5: Juan appeared on The Price is Right and won the Showcase Showdown.

But he never saw a dime of his winnings due to a legal dispute over taxes owed on a brand new Chevy Cavalier and a collection of women's shoes.

#6: To celebrate his boy's Quinceañera, Juan had his son blow up a cow with a bazooka.

But out of respect for the cow, he used all of the meat in a guyo-pinto styled dish that was the talk of the town for days.  CLEARLY THIS IS SOME SATIRICAL SOMETHING...RIGHT?!?!

#7: Juan has a lifetime ban from Dave and Busters for cashing in counterfeit tickets.

He made off with a giant panda and a dozen Twizzlers.

*SNORT*

#8: To commemorate his 50th birthday, Juan's hometown of Tunja gave him a key to the city.

In return, Juan gave all the town's women pretty severe UTIs.

OMG....EWWWWWW! *pahahaha* You received this email because you're constantly getting high fives when wearing a pair of slim cut mesh shorts.    Birddogs...okaaaaaaay.  Its a "legit"  site. This is BY FAR the most interesting subscription f**kwit signed me up for.

And suddenly I am an emotionally compromised teenage girl

Just call me Mayhem!

No but really.  So I was minding my own business...browsing Social Media and I saw this...

While yes that is so cute and sweet.  And yes my husband does give me little forehead kisses on occasion...especially when I am sad or distraught (like when our older dog died in his sleep...*still not over that one*).  Anyways, all I could f**king think about was stupid fictional characters and now I want to scream.  Because.....

Ahhhhhhhhhhhhh.  Now I want to lock myself in a room listening angst-y teenage music while I sit in a corner and cry about OTPs...or OTFs...OT(insert word of choice) or whatever.  Not all are romantic...just affectionate and *gah* I need a drink. 

Peace, I am going get more coffee (no alcohol...YET!). 

P.S.  Mulder and Scully were my original "OTP".  I was like nine and going "OMG y'all love each other stop being in denial!!!!!"

P.P.S. There are sooooo many more I could add but I had to stop myself! 

Listen here you C*ck juggling thunderc*nt

I hate you so much! "Your virginity breeds mites, much like a cheese."  Hmmm does that fit...?  Whatever.  I hope the fleas of 1000 camels infest your pubic hair.  Or in other words, get a f**king life you slimy tw@tbooger!!!!

Alright so it happened again.  Some c*m guzzling whale vagina signed me up for no less than 500 email subscriptions last night.  I did some creative Googling to find out WTF because I clearly wasn't hacked. Apparently this is a thing.  Why is this a f**king thing?!?!?!!?

Some @nal crumpet with a computer and no life clearly has some code he/she has written that's sole purpose is just to f**k with people.  Its not a virus or an identity thief thing.  It is literally a program that takes a bunch of emails that they STOLE and subscribes them to random lists/newsletters just because they can.  At least that is the general conclusion other targets like myself have come up with.

Unsuspecting people like me, get hundreds of "hey thanks for subscribing" emails overnight while we are sleeping.  I think I killed 1/2 my battery trying to load my emails this morning not realizing what the hell was happening.  And look I don't just use my email willy nilly.  Meaning if a site looks sketch I steer clear.  So thank you, you festering f**cknugget for my "pending" subscriptions to all those lovely Musician email lists, money saving ideas, $hit that is another language with letters I don't recognize, and Christian meet up crap.  Seriously more than half are "Christian Mingling"(I feel like this is the forgotten love child of Christian Mingle), "Christian Camping Meetup" (Ummmmm), "Christian singles in your area", "Christian and Proud Newsletter", "how to meet your Christian Match", and "Porch Pockets"....WTF is a porch pocket?!?!!?

I don't know if festering f**knugget is even a thing but it was something I blurted out while blocking and deleting 500+ emails!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! You my friend are the infected hair on the ball-sack of a rabid trash panda.  Wait...no, you are the puss around the infected hair.  Actually you are the crusty dried up plug that keeps the puss contained around the infected hair!!!

Alright, I am done.....for now.  I f**king hate this $hit.  Why don't you grow up and use your powers of programming for GOOD?!?!?!

PS  I apologize for my colorful insults.  I am supremely annoyed! 

PPS I am not claiming to have come up with all of these. I just picked some of them up along the way while browsing Imgur, Reddit, etc. 

This is why we all have trust issues!

Right, so we all know everything on the Internet is 100% true.  *ahem*  Anyway, I see all kinds of goofy $hit on FB and other social media.  90% of the time the original poster is making a joke.  A *haha* lets see how many dumb@$$e$ there are on the interwebs.  I usually roll my eyes and move on.  I try not to get "offended" and I ignore many but when one starts to go viral in my friend list I have to say something.  And I am usually not the only one that does say something.  Especially when it is kind of mocking something...like Veterans.

COME ON people!!!  That is not a group of Vietnam Vets.  It is the cast for Tropic Thunder!!!!  That is Ben Stiller, Jack Black, Robert Downey Jr, etc.  STAAAAHP sharing this! I checked the original post...I can't tell if it was a joke or not but A LOT of people commented on it with "ha ha...that is the cast for Tropic Thunder" or "I hope you are joking...that is Ben Stiller etc".  I get that some people may not realize its a movie cast and share it because they share f**king everything they see online.  So bad on you internet troll...

If you want to support Veterans do not post a picture of a bunch of Hollywood elite who made a satirical movie about War....its insulting.  Instead, maybe find a REAL picture of Vets and share it.  Just a thought.   Or quit sharing everything you see online...geesh!

P.S. And yes I know quite a few Vets who find this movie hilarious (I laughed too)...its the misrepresentation in the Post that is annoying. 

Ahhh yes the infamous Windows distress signal requesting IT support...

I HATE scammers.  I have no idea how else to block dumb from my cell!  I am on a Do Not Call List but I don't think that applies to scammers, just telemarketers.  Transcript below:

*T.A.R.D.I.S. noise*
Me:  Hello...
Person: *in the distance* oh she pick up.  *in a thick accent* Hello, hi.  Is this NOLA Gurl? 
Me: Who is asking?
Person:  Hi, hi.  This is Jack and I am calling about your computer.
Me:  What about my computer?
Jack: (I don't think is name was Jack) Well you see our servers have received a distress signal from your computer.
Me:  *playing along*  Oh really.  What about?
Jack: It appears you have accidentally upgraded to Windows 10.
Me: *rolling eyes* *acting innocent* I did...?
Jack: Yes, and that is your problem.  Because with this new version you opened up your computer to bad files and viruses.  I am wanting to fix before something bad happens.
Me: Oh dear, I didn't realize my Mac could somehow upgrade to Windows 10!
Jack: It can! And it did!  Now, what I need from you.  Please turn on your computer.
Me:  Um...well it is on.  Can't your servers see that?
Jack: *stuttering* yes, but we had to be certain
Me: K....
Jack:  Now go to (website) and click the link so I can get make sure I have the correct IP for your computer to remove all those nasty files
Me: *silence*
Jack: Hello, miss?
Me: *silence*
Jack: Have you gone to (website)
Me:  *dropping the act* Ya know Jack, I haven't.  Because I have a Mac, that DOES NOT run Windows so 1.) It is almost impossible for me to have "accidentally upgraded" to Windows 10 and 2.) I think you might be full of $hit.
Jack: *click*
Me: *laughing hysterically* 

Now normally I wouldn't answer a number I don't know that isn't in LA.  But these f**kers have called me no less than 12 times in 3 days from Austin, TX.  I am sure I'll get a call in a week from another random number.  Just add this to the one from Alhambra, CA asking about a student loan forgiveness application that I didn't submit (and yes I checked my credit, I am okay).  Or the one from Gainesville, FL who needs my CC number because they saw some "suspicious activity".

CLEARLY some website or something either sold my info or was hacked.  GREAT!

P.S.  I know you can run Windows on a Mac but you have to install it first in order to be able to upgrade it.

P.P.S. Here is the f**king number 512-452-0386

UPDATE:  I just got 4 calls from a Peru number...his name was "Alex " and my computer was sending him distress signals also...OMG!