Feeling really really bad now...

Ever had your eyes opened suddenly?

So the holidays have been rough. Fun but rough. I realized today that I may have screwed up... You see Internet guy really really really wanted to meet my family and friends for xmas and I said flat out no. Mainly because many of my distant fam doesn't know about me and my ex and that would have been WEIRD for us both plus my friends...they are VERY protective of me and I wasn't sure how'd they react. And thats a HUGE step for me. My family and friends are everything to me. I don't just bring guys to meet them. Well it caused a HUGE fight. And I was so mad at how he talked to me and told me I didn't care. Plus I felt like he just didn't get it. SO I gave a little and said he could meet two of my girls xmas night if we did something. He took that as drive to the area and wait for me... then get mad when I don't call. Well Christmas night was the last straw for me. He fussed at me and told me I was inconsiderate and then hung up. Well I was PMSing and pissed so when he called back I didn't answer.

Flash forward to today (Dec 27). I read a survey on social networking site and realized I was overly bitchy. I really hurt him and was completely insensitive to that. I really wasn't trying to be but I was. And I pride myself on knowing what to say and reading people and this time I was totally off!

All he wanted was my attention, thats it. He wasn't trying to force himself into my family and friends (although thats what it seemed like to me) and just wanted me to give a little and I am so keen on being independent I shut him out and obviously sent mixed signals. Now I still stick to my list of needs from a man but today I realized he will meet more of them than I let on and I was just trying to justify not being with him. I talked to him today and feel awful. I don't want a relationship, I think he knows that but I like him... ALOT more than I thought. I don't want him out of my life, I thought I did but I don't. I think my problem is see things progressing and I am scared. I can see us together and I am freaking out. I pushed him to act this way by being selfish.... which honestly I am entitled to after the last 5 years but he doesn't deserve the brunt of my excess baggage, right? So we talked on the phone today for just a few minutes while he was at work and I apologized for dragging him into this and he apologized for over-reacting. Not a great conversation but an OK one.

I still think he has alot to do before I could ever consider him my boyfriend... like deciding what he wants to do with his life, growing up and moving out. Oh yea and that whole mistrust thing. But I have alot to do too. I have to not treat him like he will crush me and screw up like my ex, make progress with getting out of my house and realize I will never be happy in another relationship until I get over my fear of men.

I think I am done now, I need to stop crying before I go out with my girls later. *sigh* I really hate drama and this time I caused it...!!!!!!!

**EDIT - 12/29/08 - Ok so we talked ALOT right after I wrote this and last night. He annoyed the S**T out of my right after but last night we were cool. He says I have a lot to do to make it up to him. I pretty much said what you see is what you get, deal with it. And I think we are cool. I'm not going to be with him, nor do I want to although we mesh really well. I guess we'll see what happens and who comes along in the mean time ;). K going back to work now :D