I can't see in the dark!!!

So somehow, someway someone convinced me to join a DnD campaign.  I have nothing against DnD.  But in all my years I have NEVER played.  I understand the basics... roll for initiative...20 Sided Die, etc etc. 

So now I am a Sorceress....who can't see in the dark.  Which is apparently weird but I didn't know what I was doing and here we are!

Anywhos during the 1st "battle" we are fighting Goblins.   Now mind you my nerd@$$ has been drinking because that's what adults who play DnD do. 

I'm on like my 3rd glass of wine and my "inept" Sorceress f**cking nails the Goblin in the head in one shot.  Suck it jerks!

Well the remaining Goblin "flees" down the path and my team is like "We should follow it". I'm like naw that ain't our job.  We were hired to get the loot to the city!!!  So obvi we are gonna follow it and I'm like "I'll only go if I get to meet the Goblin King!!!"

Slowly giggles...then full belly laughter!   

So I clarify "Wait! By Goblin King I mean Jareth...and by Jareth I mean David Bowie's Version!!!!"

The DM is dying and says "If you keep saying stuff, I'm gonna make you do it!"

Oh nooos please don't make me meet David Bowie's Goblin King!

So someone says "so would that make you a Goblin or like a Goblin Princess????"

And I'm like "Ma'am I would be his Goblin Queen all day long!"

Ever wonder if you slipped into a different reality in your sleep?!?!?!

So I am close with a few persons of the male gender.  Like we are legit friends.  Most, I am friends with their wives/sig others.  That is all we will ever be and we are super close.  Like we are basically  inseparable and know almost everything there is to know about each other.  

Well last night I had a dream.  And when I woke up I legit went "no...no...NO NO NO!"

We were in a tropical climate.  It wasn't NOLA, I know that.  But it was warm and LOTS of water and LOTS of bridges.  Something was wrong.  Think like Day After Tomorrow WRONG.  

We were at work I think and it was raining REALLY REALLY hard.  At some point about 10 of us decided we needed to leave but it was some place where we didn't need a vehicle so we left on foot.. WTAF.  As we were walking we could see islands in the distance.  The islands had volcanoes exploding.  But like...each one was exploding in a ....face?  One looked like it had devil horns, one was a "normal" face, and so on.  I was very nervous.  Like I knew something was very wrong and we were in terrible danger.  As we are running along the coast I was falling behind.  My work bestie grabbed my hand so I would keep up with him. Look I am short...."fast" on a good day....I was struggling. 

We made it to a bunker but it was under ground.  I was FREAKING OUT. I kept saying we shouldn't be below sea level.  Something is wrong.  We need to go higher!!!!  We were trying to get to our families for f**ks sake.  But no one would listen.

My friend and a few others seemed to be on the same page as me.  We opted to leave the bunker and hop into a Bronco with the the dude from Hawaii Five-0.  What.is.happening?!?!?!

Legit haven't watched that show in 5 years but okay brain.  So we are in this old @$$ Bronco driving across this ONE LANE bridge as waves of water crash OVER the bridge.  I am talking Tsunami kind of waves.  So dreams work nothing like reality.  A 30 ft wave would FLOAT the vehicle and we'd somehow land back on the bridge because he had been driving this bridge his whole life.  

Well one wave was too much and knocked us off just enough that we didn't land back on the bridge and were spun around into some canal thing.  I started to roll down the window to jump out and this f**ker told me to roll it back up because his way would give us more time before the car sunk. 

Well his way sucked and we were suddenly plummeting into the dark depths. I blacked out and when I came to I was looking up at my work bestie.  He started crying and hugging me and mumbling something into my neck.    

We were now on foot and it was just the two of us.  We were hiking across scorched but wet lands.  He was dragging me by they hand.  I kept saying "Leave me, You need to get home!"  But he wouldn't leave me.  He said  I love you and you are coming home with me!  

What....what?!?!  I mean yes I love all my friends.  That is nothing weird but I am holding you back and you could die.... LEAVE ME. Also we have never officially said "love you boo boo"

We were hitting dead ends at every turn.  He was getting visibly more scared but had my hand in a death grip. I was hurt and exhausted.  I was keeping him from escaping. I said  "please.  Please just leave me I can't go anymore".  

His beautiful blue eyes were scared, frantic.  I said "go home! *wife* is waiting for you" 

He grabbed me by the shoulders and said "You are coming home too!  Plus *wife* would kill me if I left you, I think she loves you more than me!"

So we ran...and ran....and ran.  I finally collapsed from exhaustion.  He lifted me back to my feet.  I again begged him to leave me.  He grabbed my face and said "never", then kissed me.  Nothing sweet or romantic.  It was desperate, rough, scared but full of emotion.  He poured everything into the kiss.  Its like the kiss let me know how loved I was.  I was staring dumbfounded at him and couldn't form a thought.

A massive wave crashed over us and I woke up. 

I have ZERO desire to kiss my friend.  Honestly I think if he tried to kiss me I'd either burst into a fit of giggles or gag.  We aren't like that.  We never have been and its' never going to happen!!!!

So why...?  Why did my brain go "tonight you aren't going to kiss hubby or your celebrity crush.  Tonight we kiss someone we see as a brother!!!! *muahahahaha*"  I mean seriously...WTAF!

So the doll did it

Okay so back in the day we didn't have alot of moula. Like we were okay-ish but I got hand me downs.  

One hand me down I received was a lifesize doll. 

Who the f**k thought that was fun?  Not like a My Buddy or Kid Sister.  This thing was from the 1950's (?)

She was about 3.5' tall, had matted/knotted horsehair, and her eyes were a haunting crystal blue that closed if you laid her down.  But she was old and one was always half closed.  I HATED HER.  

But my mom was so happy my g-ma kept her that I kept my little mouth shut and didn't complain when we brought her home. 

The idea was that since she was my size I could play dress up with her, etc.  But I was TERRIFIED of her.  I would hide her in my closet and behind my door so I couldn't see her. I never played with her no matter how much I was encouraged to. She ended up being used as a "mannequin" to make my clothes and dance costumes hahaha. 

I haven't thought about this f**king doll in 20+ years, until last night.  When I had a dream.  

In the dream I was in my childhood home but it looked different.  Like I felt like I was at home but it didn't look like my home.  It was bigger but still VERY 80's.  Brown carpet, wood panel walls, yellow-ish lighting, window AC units, and smelled of stale cig smoke. 

I was young-ish in the dream and was scared to death of being alone in the house.  The air felt heavy and weird $hit would happen, like the lights going out and weird noises. My mom kept telling me I was being silly and there was nothing to be scared of until one day I went into my room (which was like twice the size of my actual room) and that f**king lifesize doll was sitting on the floor staring straight ahead.  I yelled for mom and she was like "that's just Sally your new friend".  

I always put her in the closet but when I would come back she was sitting on the floor staring straight at the door.  I swore she was watching me.  One day I was sitting on the floor under the fan playing with legos when the hair on my neck stood up.  I just knew I wasn't alone.  When I looked over my shoulder Sally's head was turned towards me. 

I screamed bloody murder.  When my mom came in she was normal and I was scolded for making her worry.  I was barely sleeping because I was so terrified. I would run in the room, grab a toy and run out.  Weird stuff was still happening and I was getting blamed for it.  

I was punished in my room for being a sassy butthead.  I was griping to myself while sitting on the floor coloring when I got that feeling again.  My crayons flew across the room, my book flew the other way, my stuffed animals were floating and spinning in the air.  I turned and yelled at Sally that I hated her! 

Suddenly I was floating, I was trying to scream for my mom but I could barely make a squeak.  I tried harder and harder but hardly any noise was coming out.  I was flung into the wall which made enough noise for mom to come running in the room.  She saw the chaos and was stunned for a second.  She came to me to help me up and I was still trying to talk but couldn't.  She was like "WHAT???"  

I was sobbing trying to say its Sally!  But it was barely a whisper. I looked and pointed at the doll and watched in horror as her head slowly turn to look at us and I turned my mom's head and tried to scream "I told you that doll was evil!!!!!"

She started shaking me as I was trying to get noise to come out.  I woke up to hubs shaking me saying "hey, hey are you ok?!?!?" 

I had another one of those f**king dreams that was so intense my sleeping form was "screaming" well more like whining so loud it woke up everyone else in the house. 

This didn't go well for new new new new new new new new York

 Saw this:

 

And my nerdy little brain went IMMEDIATELY to:

I don't really trust patches.  I had a horrid reaction to a Vitamin B patch and my hubs used too strong of a nicotine patch years ago when he quit smoking and thought he was going to die.  Both left horrible red marks on our arms. 

Anywho the idea of a patch giving much necessary boosts or rest without a shot or pill sounds Ah-mazing.  Buuuut I have a minor fear of enclosed spaces and don't want to be locked in a never ending motorway for 24 years or whatever.  

Only to be possible food for giant crab creatures who are mutated from the exhaust in the enclosed area.  

12 hours is my limit in a vehicle...I need a bathroom and trashy gas station snacks!

Side note - I love Martha....I still don't get why she got so much hate back in the day! 

I'm starting to think you like getting bathed in oil

So my adventures in gardening include bugs trying to destroy all my hard work.  I don't like hard core pesticides so I try natural oils and stuff but these M**her F**kers will not die!  They are white flies and are pissing me OFF!

Everytime I cut some rosemary for cooking or water my plants, I am swarmed by a cloud of tiny white flies.  

I started using neem oil and its helping but the infestation is bad.  So I read where people buy these sticky fly trap things you can stick in the ground around the infested plants.  

People who use them said if any beneficial pollinators get stuck, use a little veggie oil to gently unstick them.  Cool cool, I'm at my wits end!

So to start I put 4 around the worst plants.  They are like the size of the palm of my hand.  I went inside for a bit to cool off and clean a little. When I came back out I had caught something...a F**KING LIZARD!

Bruh, WTAF!  Well I hope the oil works.  So I put a little oil on the sticky pad and carefully peeled Mr Lizard off.  He was surprisingly still and when he was free he hopped on my thumb and stared at me.  

When I put him close to a plant...he ran up my arm and perched on my shoulder. 

He hung out on my shoulder while I repositioned the sticky pad and pulled some weeds.  He jumped off when I went to stand and I told my very shiny friend to stay off the stickies!

I'm the f**king Disney Princess of reptiles. 

Later in the evening we watered the lawn and gardens then went to store to get something for dinner.  When we came back ALL FOUR sticky pads had a reptile on them.

Seriously guys! So I got my oil and went to work de-sticking my reptilian friends.  I had 2 lizards, a gecko, and a skink.  The lizards & Gecko were very chill.  The skink slithers like a snake with legs and kept getting himself restuck!

Around midnight I let the pups out and another f**kng lizard was stuck.  

The next day nothing, whew.  But that night a f**king skink. 

I'm really starting to think you all like being oiled!

The following day one of the sticky pads was missing...so I don't know if a rat, cat, opossum, or what got stuck but maybe that will keep them from coming back. 

It's been about a week and no more lizards, geckos or skinks but a TON of white flies. 

Heeeerrrreeee Lizard, Lizard, Lizard

 

Hahahaha, GOD the 90's were a time!!!  There was a whole f**king campaign with this adorable chihuahua trying to catch Godzilla with TACOS!!!  But this isn't about the 90's or about Taco Hell but it is about Lizards.

I have no issues with reptiles.  I will hold them, rescue them, protect them.  I'm cautious but I am not scared of them.  

So the other day I go to let the puppers out and something large and brown comes running out from under the end table.

I thought it was a bug who shall not be named!!!  It was not...it was a dark brown lizard.  Well friend you do not want to me in here, my cat will eat you!!!

He let me pick him up with no issues.  That's when I realized he was full of dust, kinda dehydrated and OMG he's missing a tail and front feet!!!!!!  Oh buddy...I see you met Demon Spawn.  

If you don't know...cats are @$$holes and will literally play with something to death.  

So I brought him outside and put him on the table.  He was alive but didn't run off.  I mean no front feet...jesus!

I got a small plate, put some water, and put him on the edge.  Honestly I figured he would die from shock or something.  

A hour or so later he was moving around in the water and was way more alert so I left him be.  

After work he was gone so I figured he moved on or was eaten by a bird.  I was hoping for the former.  

Since it's already warming up to Satan's armpit around here I've been watering the plants daily. As I am watering the Aloe on the patio something comes flying at my face. 

It's a lizard.  Its a tailless lizard.  It's a tailless lizard with no front feet.  

I don't know how smart lizards are but this one seemed to recognized I saved it and was no longer scared of giant hairless ape lady and seemed content to chill on my arm.  I kept watering and he hung out until he was ready to go back in the aloe.  

It's been over a week and Lt Dan still pops out of my Aloe plants.  All I can assume is he's adapted to no front feet and is eating flying insects that land in the aloe.  Like I know he can't climb so he has to be jumping (?) with his back legs... I guess.  

We all paid to be here, no need to be a whale vagina

Okay okay its actually getting to the end of festival time because its about to be hella hot. But the last couple weeks have been one of the BIGGEST and most known.

The New Orleans Jazz and Heritage Festival!!!!!!!!!!

You see this insanity is two weekends.  It brings in HUGE musical acts from around the world and patrons from around the world.  Its INTENSE. But outside of the festival there are always hundreds of concerts all over the city from Tiny venues to the superdome.  Performers are everywhere and fans are ready to attend.  

I've not been to a concert since pre-covid.  I've been to festivals but not a concert (Garth doesn't count, that was a f**king Stadium!!!). 

So I attended a locally popular band who came in for Jazz Fest.  And can I tell you people...are still f**king AWFUL.  You forget how terrible people can be until you are in a crowd. 

We got there early to get a spot upfront (well like 2nd row of peeps, SUPER close).  It's a small venue and honestly there isn't a bad place to stand/sit in the house but we had "VIP" and got in early.  We made friends with everyone around us because we all know at some point you have to pee or get a drink and you want "help" keeping your spot while your partner runs off.  

It wasn't too bad.  Like no throwing elbows.  But right before the main act came on my "new friend" had to go pee so her husband who was a bigger guy was "holding" their spot.  I literally turned my head for two seconds and two chicks jumped in front of him *WTF*.  There wasn't alot of space, they just pushed in.  

So I put my foot out to keep them from standing in front of me because like hell I am giving up my spot when I've been here for 2 hours.  Wifey came back and was WTF??!!?  I pulled her next to me and was like nope you are still here ma'am.  Well then hubs had to pee so I did the RIDICULOUS straddle the area move.  Our "friends" were teasing me but all in good fun.  But Like I am legit 5'1"....my stance is not big.  But I made myself as "BIG" as possible and my new friends helped me keep the space.  OUT OF NO WHERE some chick comes be bopping up from the back.  Now I am 1000% non confrontational but come on.  

She straight up stepped on my foot and I said "No ma'am.  My husband is standing here."  She looked at me like I was crazy but the nice man behind me said "you dont look like her husband, go on git".  She was about to argue and he goes, "look, we've been here all night.  You want front row you get here early, move ON!".  And she left.  I was like OMG thank you!

As I am still straddling (don't think I was being an @$$, I literally was just trying to keep a small space for two persons) some chick stands literally in front of me.  Leans back INTO MY CROTCH and hands her friend (spot stealer #1 that stood in front of the couple next to me) a drink.  

My mouth got the best of me and I said "are you f**king kidding me????"  She is literally twice my size and probably 5'6"-ish, she looked at me like I grew a second head and said "what?".  I said "You are NOT standing there.  I've literally been here for 2 hours and you are straddling my f**king leg!!!"  She said "OMG bish chill, I'm going to the other side of my friend."  I said "cool fine, then move". And she did.  And I 100% know she had zero plans of doing so until I made a scene.  Because if you are moving along you say "omg excuse me just trying to get through".  She just stood on top of me and seemed perfectly comfy resting on my thigh/crotch.  There was ZERO room in front of me.  She was being a TW@T.

Anyways main act begins and its f**king amazing! We are all singing and bonding and having the best time.  When suddenly I feel tits...on my shoulder!  Like not the lady behind me who is literally my height.  Like someone taller so pressed up against me their tits are on TOP of my shoulder. Okay look I know I am at a concert and people will squish together but this felt different. 

So I turn my head and this chick straight up says "can i get in front of you for a few minutes."  

*you CANNOT be serious*. 

She is literally almost a foot taller than me...  So I said "hahaha...No...".  She seemed shocked I would deny her and was like lost for words.  Then said "well can I stay here?"  I said you need to ask the lady behind me.  And I STG she said "I don't want to she's mean".  And I was like "well yea I guess she is!" and turned around.  My friend next to me pushed her shoulder next to mine and screamed "HOLD THE LINE!" hahaha

Well the nice lady behind me was like "Um get the f**k B." and she was like "but I paid...just like you did". And the nice lady's husband goes "yea but you didn't get here 2 hours ago so move your @$$". 

So she backs up...and stands in front of a woman who is WAY shorter than me.  A complete stranger...as in someone who didn't know this tiny lady lost his $HIT on this chick.  It was EPIC!!!!  She went back further.  But the thing is she lost her original spot so she kept getting pushed further and further back by other irritated patrons.  And honestly I didn't feel bad for her at this point. 

The rest of the night was perfection. A few times someone had to go pee and the group collectively helped save their spot.  It was AMAZING. 

So here's my "question". Were we in the wrong for trying to save our spots???   Its not like we blocked off a giant area.  We all got there early and the couples never left together.  But these persons decided to get there late and jump in front.  Am I crazy or is that 1000% just f**king rude??!?!?!  Like if you like a band that much, get there early or stay in the back.  F**k it's one of my fav bands but if we got there 2 hours after the doors opened, I wouldn't think it was okay to stand in front of someone that had been there for hours.