Welcome to the Cooch Show!

 Ever have one of those days where you go, "Damn...I should have stayed in bed..."?

I was having a really good day.  Worked in my garden, cleaned up a little around the house, did some painting (for fun, not like a wall).  Just a nice productive day.  

I took a shower and got ready to go run the streets and have a late lunch/early dinner.  I put on these adorable linen shorts and a black tank to head out.  As I was wandering around the house I noticed there was a hole in one of the pockets,  WTH, I've only worn these twice.  Whatever, I'll sew it up later. 

I put on some very light makeup, checked myself in the mirror and went to head out.  As we were heading out I made a comment to my hubs how nice these shorts were.  They were so light, it didn't feel like I had anything on.  He said they looked like they fit nice. 

Before we left my bladder woke up and was like YO GOTTA GO!  Normally I'd be like WTF but today I was soooo grateful for the delay.  

As I was finishing up I felt something tickling my ankle.  

On closer inspection, there was a hole in my pants. 

I started poking at it and realized, I could literally stick my entire hand through the hole. 

It was in the crotch area.  I pulled my shorts back-up to see why I didn't notice before and you couldn't see anything.

I walked towards the mirror.  That is when I saw flashes of my rainbow undies on display for anyone to see. 

I took them off to better examine them and the crotch was annihilated.  

It was legit hanging on by a single thread.  Cheaply made POS. 

So my $30 linen shorts that I wore twice are now in the trash but my old faithful $12 Old Navy shorts are still going strong.  

Dreams are weird

This isn't for anything in particular but why is it in dreams things don't work right.  I think I need to do some Dream Analysis o_O.

Example 1: I am by no means a fast runner.  I am fast enough, I do about a 12.5 min mile (need to train) but in instances of needing a burst of speed I can take off at a very very quick sprint.  It's short lived but I know I can do it.  Yet anytime I need to "run for my life" in dreams, it's like running through quicksand.  I have no idea what I was dreaming about the other night but I vividly remember needing to run and just not being able to.  Like I kept trying but I was barely getting anywhere. 

Example 2: Throwing a punch.  Okay again, not superwoman or anything but I know I can throw a punch. I unfortunately have had to punch a tw@t waffle for being a tw@t waffle and I split his eyebrow knocking him on his butt and did NOT break my hand.  But I know I've had many many dreams where I try to punch/kick/slap/claw and it's like they just don't land with any force.  

Example 3: The lights don't work. I can't tell you how many times in a dream I walk into a dark room and flip the light switch...and it doesn't work.  I immediately get that heart pounding sinking feeling of pure terror.  I don't get it.  I am generally not scared of the dark.  But in these dreams, it's almost like the dark is alive and won't let the light on.  I know I know WEIRDO. 

I'm sure there are other weirdo things but these are the ones that have happened recently and it just makes me wonder...why.  I'm assuming my subconscious is trying to tell me something.  

Did I do drugs and forget that I did drugs resulting in active hallucinations...?

What the hell did I just watch?!?!! 

I was thinking "oh cute kids movie" but ended up questioning mating rituals of intellectually advanced animals and contemplating the "rules" of their society.

I mean seriously though, you see this and go "okay that looks fun".  I thought it was like a Hare who was scared of everything...hence the "chicken" 

Then you get into the 1st like 10 min and wait what...?

He has chicken legs and and random feathers and you go....how is this combination even possible?!?!?

Mind you it was effing ADORABLE and I really did enjoy it but my weird @$$ brain was trying to picture how a Chicken and a Hare could (in theory) um...mate successfully, producing offspring. 

Plus I feel like if in nature that were to happen it would not be nearly as cute...

Then a few days later my childhood was flipped upside down...

Wait wait wait...?

WHAAAAT?!?!

I am all for to each their own but I am again...how.....she's a mouse....he's a.... he's a fly.... the visual....

I'm sure there is a deeper meaning and I am all for it but my logical brain is stuck on how it would anatomically work. 

Send help, I am over thinking cartoon mating and offspring....

I can't believe...What year is it?!

So way back in the recesses of 2014, I posted about makeup BS at work.  I work for a new company now...I work FROM HOME...not to mention its 2022 and this came up...AGAIN!

On a "zoom" call TWO YEARS post global pandemic...where people have been working from home and zooming has become more normalized.  I had someone make a comment on my "makeupless" face.  

It was a 7AM call that I wasn't even supposed to be on.  I don't generally log in until 8AM so there was no reason for me to be "made up" at that time.  But since I was "summoned" I logged in to do whatever.  About 10 people didn't have cameras on so I didn't feel bad.  

Well because some 60 year old (not being an @$$hole, they really are 60) decided we all had to have cameras on, so I did.  Then he...YES HE...proceeded to call me out on a call with 25+ people about having no makeup on.  

I was so flabbergasted I didn't even know what to say at first.  One, I wasn't even supposed to be logged on! Two, Rude! Three, 100% something I do not need to wear.  So I said as professionally as possible, f**k off, and the meeting continued.  Then, he proceeds to make $hit comments the rest of the meeting.  

Rather than publically be a jerk, because I know that's what he wanted, I just ignored him and rolled my eyes.  Mind you it wasn't all on me.  He was making comments about others.  Look we weren't frumpy or homeless looking.  I had on a nice shirt, hair fixed, and lipgloss.  Just not a full face of makeup. 

So after some consideration, it was decided to make a formal complaint to HR. Basically stating when he has to wear makeup everyday, I'll consider it.  He was removed from the meetings I was on and no one told me I have to wear makeup.  I still think more should have happened but whatever. 

Rant over. But seriously mind your own business.  I have sensitive skin and I don't like makeup everyday.  Also, NOT IN THE HANDBOOK and NOT REQUIRED you sexist @$$hat. 

We shook the world (well part of it)

So we all know people are crazy when it comes to their fav bands/singers. But there something about certain artists in certain arenas where the stars align and its just complete INSANITY!

So Garth Brooks came to Baton Rouge and had a HUGE concert IN TIGER STADIUM.  

Okay look, there is NOTHING like Saturday night in Death Valley.  It is hands down one of the loudest, funnest places to watch College Football. I might be biased but I've heard this from people from other colleges also.  

But Saturday night in Death Valley watching one of the BEST performing artists is on a whole other level.  

So the WHOLE concert was loud and amazing and just incredible.  I mean me and 102,000+ of my closest friends just saaaaaaang our hearts out.  But you see Mr. Brooks has this one song that....well it holds a very special place in the hearts of most Louisianians.  

You see this song is played at every single LSU home game!  If you are not a Garth fan, I'm talking about this little known song *sarcasm* song called "Callin' Baton Rouge".  You have not appreciated this song until you hear that fiddle start blaring in Tiger Stadium before a home game with a mere 90,000 of your closest friends screaming because we are ready for some Tiger Football!!!!

Anyway, imagine 102,000+ crazy country & LSU fans in Tiger Stadium when he f**king played this song!!!

We collectivly went ape$hit! So much so that we registered a small Earthquake.  No really, some equipment in a nearby building on campus recorded an "earthquake".  

I can't say I am surprised AT ALL but I think it's freaking hilarious.  See below so you can enjoy the chaos (starts at 1:11)  And I'm going to go to bed and hope my ears stop ringing and my voice comes back. 

  

(https://youtu.be/EQn4bBYQins)

Keep your tacos to yourself!

I have so many questions.  

I literally decided NOT to do tacos for dinner because of this article!

What the actual F**K?!!?

This is why aliens don't visit us.

 How can I unsee this?!?!!

Don't read the article it's so much worse.

Actually read it so I am not alone... READ IT

I need to bleach my brain.

Was that a f **king slug?!?!

 So down here in the deep south we are in the pollening season. 

Which means everyone is sneezy, itchy, and gross.  Even if you don't have "allergies" the pollen wages war.  Normally its doesn't get me too bad but if I am going to be in nature for a long period of time I take an allergy pill as a precaution.  

The other day in the garden I was viciously attacked by nature.  I was fighting with some giant weed from hell when suddenly in came loose, threw me on my butt, and covered my in a layer of yellow.  I had plant spunk all over my face, hair, chest, and arms.  

I "dusted" myself off and finished my chore.  After showering I kept feeling a sniffle but nothing major. That night we went out to dinner as a treat.  While waiting for the hubs to finish ironing his shirt, I kept feeling like I needed to blow my nose but nothing really came out.  

So we are sitting at this nice-ish restaurant and I'm like, I need to blow my nose.  So I go to the ladies room.  There were other people in there so I didn't want to blow obnoxiously.  Some...funk came out (whoohoo) but my right sinus still felt weird.  I went back out to continue with dinner.  As we are enjoying our appetizer I again can feel something weird in my face so I go back to the ladies room.  

This time no one was in there so I went full force with the blow.  I felt an immense pressure release from my right sinus and come out my nose.  

But yay, success!

When I pulled the tissue away something slingshotted back into my nose.

I blew again and again when I pulled the tissue away it shot back in. 

I blew a third time and....ya know this is gonna get even more TMI, feel free to stop reading....

So third time, and I "grabbed" before I stopped blowing.  As I slowly pulled the tissue away I felt...

I felt something sliding down my nasal cavity.  

I am staring at myself in the mirror saying 

"Oh my god, oh my god"

"what the f**k is that"

"What is happening, what is happening"

"Oh god!"

Finally whatever it is slides all the way out into the tissue, and bounces.  

It is a opaque white/yellow, 2" long, fairly wide....wad of...SNOT!  It looked like glue or something!

So I am just staring in disgusted curiosity at what I just extracted from my nostril when I hear:

"hey, that kinda looks like the slime my grandkids play with"

I about jump 10' in the air.  There is a 4' tall little old lady next to me.  I have no idea where she came from or how long she's been there but she is also staring at my extraction.  

She patted me on the shoulder, "I bet you feel much better now, don't you suga" and then wandered off laughing into one of the stalls. 

I stood there horrified and embarrassed for two more seconds before I tossed the tissue, washed my hands, and returned to dinner.  

I have had some pretty gross things happen when I am sick but this was by far the strangest...and I'm not even SICK!