It's been a rough week so to destress I've been riding my Bike since I still can't run. As I was pedaling along listening to some True Crime my brain threw me into a memory that I had completely forgotten about. Mind you it was 100% unrelated to anything I was listening to, it just...happened.
I was remembering when I was around 8 years old. I was being "tormented" by another kid. We were both being babysat at the same house. This wasn't anything new. This kid regularly picked on me. They would bully me both physically and verbally. And if I ever stood up to them, they would somehow convince me that I would get in trouble if I didn't do what they said.
On the occasions I did go to the adult, our sitter would correct it at times but most of the time I was just told I was being a "tattle tale" and to just go do something else and avoid the other child. Which just resulted in me getting tortured further. Good job adulting there lady! Mind you this isn't like a teenage sitter. We are talking like a 50 y/o woman.
Anyways, this particular memory was just like the others. Me being bullied and pushed around and told what I can and cannot do. Being told how ugly I was, how bad I was at whatever we were playing, how they were better at sports and I sucked... I mean pick something it was just a BARRAGE of bull$hit. I did what the adult told me to do and ignored it and removed myself from situation. Which got my hair pulled and me pushed into the dirt. I walked away again.
This B**ch followed me and continued the taunt. I distinctly remember we had been playing house. I was "sweeping" the floors. I was ignoring my tormentor as best I could. I was stewing. This had been going on since I could remember. This kid and I grew up together and they were so mean to me. I was trying to play alone when they shoved me from behind which caused me to fall pretty hard into a tree.
I was so mad! I was so hurt! I was so angry! I grabbed th broom from the bottom and spun around at full speed. I hit them as hard as I could with the handle in their side. I hit them so hard I knocked the wind out of them and they hit the ground. I screamed "LEAVE ME ALONE" and walked away.
This is where my "kindness" f**ked me. I was crying because I was so frustrated. Then I felt bad because they were crying and were hurt because of me. This is where I had the epiphany as an adult. Because you see instead of going tell on me...this demon of a child BLACKMAILED me.
That's they best I could describe it. Literally for the rest of the break this f**king psycho child used my temporary moment of aggression as a way to CONTINUE TO BULLY ME. Anytime I "stepped out of line" by their standards, this sociopath kid would be like "you better do what I say or I'm going to tell the adult what you did to me. I'm going to tell them how you beat me with a broom handle until I cried. And that you only stopped when I begged you to. And they'll believe me because I have a bruise to prove it". And since I was a good kid and didn't want to be in trouble, I f**king listened.
They legit tormented me for over a week with no push back from me because I was scared of getting in serious trouble.
I was gaslighted by a narcissistic EIGHT YEAR OLD. How does an 8 year old become that??!?!!?
I am not saying I was right. I do not believe in hurting others, unless in self defense. And I am not proud of how I reacted. I'm really not. I think I had blocked that memory until today. I'm not sure why my brain decided it was time to remember but I'm glad it did.
As an adult, I know I subconsciously learned from this situation. I'm more aware of others and avoid narcissists if possible..its like I know the signs. That kid is a seemingly normal adult. We are still in touch and they are no longer a narcissistic tw@t waffle. They no longer manipulate and torture others. I am glad for that for them, their kids, and well me.
So I am not sure why I had to remember that event today but I don't believe in coincidences so if I am remembering that...there is a reason, and I am not thrilled about finding out what that reason is....
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