Worst Morning EVER!

So not only am I dying of some unknown upper respiratory something or another but I stepped in a great big ol' pile of cah cah today, quite literally. 

So apparently I have a "cold" but I feel like I've been run over by the biggest bus ever and I look like death so obviously I have some undocumented mutated strain of who knows what (thank you co-workers for ALWAYS coming in sick and touching my stuff).  So I feel like a$$, look like a$$, been working 14 hour days and have had countless meetings for the past two weeks, on top of regular day to day crap.  This morning was the proverbial straw...I almost burst into tears. 

I snoozed my alarm who knows how many times today.  My brain feels like its about to drip out of my ear.  My eyes feel like they are going to pop out of my face.  I can't smell anything and I have a little cough.  BUT I can't call in sick because well I just can't.  Normally I would but there is just no way at this moment in time so I will go in and try not to come in contact with anyone (and use a hell of a lot of Germ-X).  Anyway, I dragged myself out of bed, shuffled over to the bathroom in the dark, stepped into the doorway and then freaked the F**K out! 

There is nothing worse then stepping BAREFOOT into an unknown substance in the dark, especially when said unknown substance oozes in between your toes.  I screamed as loud as my raspy voice would allow, flicked on the light and started whining.  Swear to God I sounded like a toddler about to throw one hell of a tantrum.  It looked like my septic tank exploded!  Except we don't have a septic tank and it did NOT explode but one of my animals did.  There was s**t and vomit everywhere.  I seriously was about to just cry.  I had diarrhea between my toes, I was running 20 minutes behind schedule, and I am sick.  Because I am sick my nose did not WARN me of what I was about to step in.  To top it off, whomever unloaded themselves all over my floor and rugs also tap danced in it.  I had shitty paw prints all over the place and splatters up the wall.  FML!!!! My husband is looking at me from the bed going "I knew I smelled something", OMG really?!?!  Then he just stayed there.  Until I was like "UM HELP" as I stood with my foot in the tub trying to burn off the first few layers of skin. He went get supplies and we started the cleaning the $hitstorm of 2014. 

One roll of paper towels and half a bottle of spic and span later we had a clean floor.  I threw out one of the rugs, there was just no saving it.  The other looked fine but we washed it anyway *shudder*.   Then I realized that someone was trying to warn me.  I had a black kitten attacking me this morning.  She even went under the covers and bit my back!  She was smacking me in the face, pulling my hair, meowing...basically being a royal pain in the a$$.  I kept smacking her away, "*swat* OMG cat go away, mommy is tired!"  Now I know...oh do I know!  She was like "hey lady!!!!! Lady!!!! Something BAD BAD happened in that white room that makes the noise that scares me.  LADY!!!!!!!!!!!". 

So in case you were thinking you are having a bad day, just remember at least you didn't have to clean diarrhea from between your toes this A.M.  

That is it, I'm going to start being RUDE

I have never in all the years I have been working felt more compelled to lash out at certain persons more so than now.  I can take a lot.  And I don't take it personally, it is business but when you start insulting me in front of others, we have a problem. 

You may think it is cute and funny but I think you are a twat booger!  Yes I said that...yes I know it is gross...no I do not care....yes I am pretty sure I invented a new term, it is my new insult when dealing with idiots. 

Have I told you how much I love dealing with unprofessional people in a professional setting...?  I mean I just adore it when you are in a room of people and the only thing the person who called the meeting can focus on is my attire/accessories/personal life/etc.  As in things that have ZERO to do with the meeting.  I can't be overly rude, I have to be professional but I will give you the evil eye so just stop!  I also love it when someone who called the meeting or is one of the "Dept Heads" implies that I push off my work on others.  I am ONE person, ONE, if I have to give something to my admin because I don't have time, well I will.  It doesn't mean I am "passing it off" on her, it means I am delegating because I have other s**t to do!  You are a jerk for saying that at all much less in front of a room full of people!!!  What is sad is this is more than one person at different customers doing the SAME THING!

Did I mention that these are persons of the male gender?!?  Well they are...they are and they make me and probably other women in these meetings rather uncomfortable.  I am not your friend...I am not your buddy, I am a VENDOR and I have a million other things I need to be doing that do not involve me sitting here and explaining that although I wear a lot of blue, purple is in fact my favorite color or why I don't have kids.  That my not friend is NONE OF YOUR BUSINESS!   

I can be "work acquaintances" with customers but somewhere in the midst of your life you have forgotten how to separate work acquaintances from personal friends.  Work acquaintances do not discuss vacations in depth...seriously who needs to know what I drank while on vacay.  My actual co-workers (who are friends) don't even know that nor did they ask. 

I don't get it.  Apparently I am not the only one who feels some of these people are inappropriate and guess what all the others who feel this way are female.  Shocking I know.  These "men" are like a ticking time bomb...one day they are going to say something to the wrong person and end up on the receiving end of a lawsuit.  I believe they are "harmless" but they do speak to me as though I am below them sometimes and it makes me want to backhand them... out the window...from the 4th floor.  I guess not 100% harmless because I think if it came down to it they would sh*t all over my reputation just to save their a$$e$ so yea. 

But watch...just watch...I am going to be less kind (not even rude) and suddenly I am going to be the one that is "difficult to work with" or a "b***h".  How much ya wanna bet?

"Good News Everyone"

You read that in his voice, didn't you? Hahahahaha.  Anyway, I realized this morning that my car has a cloaking device!  I've joked before that I think I bought a transformer because my car has personality (not possessed just prissy) or possibly the chameleon circuit started working again and I bought "Sexy" somehow or maybe her sister, hmmmm.  I mean she is the perfect shade of BLUE and does seem bigger on the inside.  So who is to say she doesn't have a cloaking device or perception filter or something.  Neato torpedo!!!  Oh yikes, never saying that again. 

I've mentioned in the past few months that people just don't see my car.  I had a blue car before this one (actually IDENTICAL to this one) and before that a small silver car.  So I am no stranger to small vehicles and have never had a major issue prior to now.  But lately it is like other vehicles just don't see me.  They pull out in front of me, change lanes when I am right there or almost run into the back of me like they don't realize a car is in front of them. And it is not all massive vehicles some are smaller than mine!

Today is when I realized it HAS to be because my car is cloaking itself (not because other drivers are idiots and clearly aren't paying attention). OMG so cool and I didn't have to pay extra!!!  The problem with that is, it is absolutely RANDOM and it almost killed me this morning!  I was going 55 mph (the actual speed limit) down a 4 lane highway with a turning lane in the middle.  There was NO ONE ELSE AROUND.  No one next to me, no one behind me.  The sun was hidden by clouds so you can't blame glare.  Suddenly this white mustang decided to cross said highway to get to the turning lane.  Normally not an issue but a vehicle coming in the other direction got in the turning lane which caused the white mustang to just stop...blocking my lane and part of the other.  *screeching tires* *down shifting* *horn blaring* *trying to maintain control of my car while braking and attempting to switch lanes*.  I think you get the picture.  The main problem was I was already too close when he went so switching lanes safely wasn't really an option.  One I was going too fast so cutting the wheel hard enough to miss him at that speed I would have lost control.  Two I was focused on braking and thinking "who the f**k stops in the middle of a highway".  Three still braking and white knuckling the wheel, "why did you go?!?! There is literally no one behind me, I could have passed and none of this would be happening!!!!" This happened in seconds...it is amazing the thoughts you can have in such a short period of time. 

All I can say is THANK GOD I have good brakes and was actually paying attention.  I stopped centimeters from his car.  He looked at me like he had no idea where I came from.  It was like I "appeared out of no where".  So there you go...cloaking device or perception filter...or I dunno pick your sci-fi term.  The point is my car can vanish from sight and randomly reappear, that is the only logical explanation. 

What is happening?!?!?!

When did we start regressing so quickly???  I feel like society woke up one day and decided it is somewhere around 1950 and women are absolutely inferior, stupid and only there to "please" their man and have babies. 

I just don't get it.  I know there will always (unfortunately) be sexist pigheaded types.  And I know some don't mean anything by what they say, it is just ignorance.  As in they say something but mean no offense by it.  But lately I have witnessed and been exposed to near 100% male chauvinism. 

A compilation of things I've overheard or been told by MEN in the last few months:

"Women are waiting until well past 30 to have kids now.  That is way too late.  They need to get their priorities straight.  A job ain't nothing for them, let the MAN earn his money and you get them babies birthed before them eggs dry up." 

Um, I am sorry what?!? 

"Sugar don't worry your pretty face the men will handle the numbers."

Seriously????

"It's good to know you do your wifely duty and take care of the home."

F**k you dude!  I cook because I like it and clean because it has to be done, plus my husband helps and did I mention I work 40+ hours a week.  Wifely duties, suck it asshole.

"Women just aren't as good with numbers.  You have to really focus to understand them."

Betcha I understand numbers better than you do! 

"She's a girl! She shouldn't want to climb fences, play outside or get dirty."

She can kick your ass and that scares you doesn't it.

"He's a boy! Playing dress up with his sister will make him gay"

Oh honey, that is not how that works.  If he likes boys nothing you do or do not expose him to is going to change that.

"You shouldn't eat that *points at something fried*, you should eat that *points at something healthier*."

If someone told me that I'd punch them, just saying.

"I like your pigtails, they are like two little straps to hang on to."

*jaw drop* In what world is that ever an appropriate thing to say unless it is in the bedroom between significant others!

"When I get married my wife is going to wear lingerie to bed every night. If she wants to eat."

Ahhhhahahahaha, yea good luck with that *face palm*

"She shouldn't go to *insert big name university* for nursing.  She needs to understand science and math are hard and I don't want her to get discouraged."

WTF is wrong with you?!?!  She can do anything she wants to! Do NOT discourage her because YOU think Math and Science will be too hard.  Argh!!! I can tell you first hand how this will eff a girl up!  I was told something similar when I was in college.  I was practically brainwashed into changing my major from NURSING to business because it was "less science" and I AM GOOD AT SCIENCE.  Look I love what I do most of the time but I can't help but think of how my life would have gone if I just did nursing and told all them peeps to screw off.   Granted I didn't get an undergrad in business.  I changed it sort of at the last minute, I guess I had to rebel a little, ha!

I know there were more but these are the only ones I wrote down because...just wow!

11 years later...

And Odd Thomas is still one of my favorite book characters ever, possibly the favorite.  On a whim back in 2003 in a discount book store I picked up a hard cover copy of Odd Thomas (which totally got lost after we flooded *sad face*).  I knew nothing of the book only that I had just read "Whispers" my first Koontz novel and really liked it, disturbing as it was.  I never, EVER expected to like this character so incredibly much.  He is witty and funny and relatable and quirky...oh and he sees dead people.  After reading Odd Thomas, I so happy that I took a chance on a $2.00 book and got to experience this story.  At that time I had no idea it would be a series.  Imagine my surprise when I saw that Forever Odd was coming out.  I've read every single one since.  Always, always craving more from my favorite paranormal sensing sassy friend.  I've even seen the movie which I wish more would have seen because honestly I thought it was quite good.  My husband who has not read any of the books really liked it.  Well until the end when he looked over at me and I was all teary eyed and he said "OMG that was so sad, I wasn't expecting that!!!"  And then he wanted to know what happens next *smile*.  I think I created a new Odd Thomas fan *whoohoo*.

Yesterday I was relaxing on my couch and I checked my email.  I (don't be shocked) am on the Dean Kootz fan mail list thingy.  So I get updates on all his new books.  I saw "SAINT ODD is coming..." whoohooo, new Odd Thomas book.  Then I opened it and saw "The end is his beginning".  What...what....what...no...nooooo....really...*shocked*.  I knew it would be ending eventually but, but, this can't be the last book... *internal sobbing*.  

Like I said clearly this series was coming to an end soon but I am not ready to say goodbye.  Other series I love have ended and although I was sad to finish them, I was okay with it.  I really don't want to say goodbye to Odd.  If Odd was real, I really think we could be BFF's (is that weird?  I feel like that's weird).  And the book comes out around my anniversary so I am sure hubs will not appreciate me getting lost in a book at that time. 

Once I read the final chapter I will post a review (on the other blog) of my thoughts on all of the Odd Thomas books, I am sure of it.  Maybe I'll call it "typing through tears" because regardless of the ending I think I am going to be sad *sniffle*.

Hello, my name is Filet Mignon

Well that's what I feel like anyway.  Seriously, I used to think that some women blew the whole "men are pigs" thing out of proportion, as in overly reading into their actions, but now I am not so sure.  Let me clarify, I am not talking about the ones that are obviously a threat to a female.  I am talking about getting mad because someone innocently said they looked pretty.  Anyway, I know there are many good men out there but there also seems to be an equal amount of not so good ones.  They aren't bad as in I fear my safety but some just give me the heebie jebbies.

This morning a guy growled at me.  Honest to god.  He looked me up and down and made a guttural sound that reminded me of a noise my dogs make.  I've read books and "stories" where they author says something along the lines of "he growled in anticipation".  Since I've never experienced this, I find this statement a bit funny.  My husband is apparently not a "growler", well when he is being silly but that is totally different.  I get that it is supposed to be an animalistic response to the female doing something extremely sexy but saying he "growled" makes me giggle. 

Moving on.  The fact that this person growled at me, really creeped me out.  I felt about 2" tall and almost threatened.  Not truly feeling in danger because I know him, well sort of, we aren't that close (which something can be said about that) but the look was devouring and the sound predatory, at least to my eyes and ears.  Plus I feel like that was an intimate gesture, as in an acknowledgment of other things to happen.  If it was my husband, I would have thought next he'll say "bedroom, now" or something of that nature.  My point is its been a long time since I felt like nothing more than a piece of meat and exposed.  I gave a nervous laugh/smile and inched my way around him trying to have an air of confidence, rather than show how uncomfortable I felt.   He came found me a bit later and said he just wanted to let me know I looked nice today, which is very sweet and none of the previous "look" was there.

I just hate that he thought that initial response was okay or welcomed.  Yes, I appreciate being told I look nice or whatever but there are lines that should not be crossed and I feel like one was crossed today.  If it had been a stranger, I would have been in fight or flight mode, thinking I would need to defend myself.  Honestly, it was like a scene from a lifetime movie.  No one around, girl looks delicious, guy thinks I want & I shall have and then things go all wonky. 

I am by no means a supermodel.  I am cute and quirky.  As in, I know I am attractive but I don't expect to trigger that kind of response based on my business attire.  Not that a response of that nature should EVER be issued by someone other than your significant other!

I've made a decision

Next time our bug guy comes and I am here I am going to randomly say Ex-Ter-Min-Ate.  Like not look at him, just continue working and see what happens.  I really want to see if he gets it.  I think he might.  He had on geeky hat last time he came.  Even if he doesn't watch the show he seems like he may at least understand the "haha" I am trying to make.  Maybe I'll make a new friend.  Either that or he will look at me like I am a weirdo which at this point in my life seems to happen more often than not.  Apparently I've started to give even less F**ks about what people think and I don't think that's a bad thing, right? 

Do you ever get drunk....

....and just utterly embarrass yourself???

I don't drink often. Actually almost never.  I mean a glass of wine here and there or a beer but that's pretty much all.  Then I go out or am feeling carefree and for some reason think I am still in College.  And I, well, um, DRINK not just drink.  It's bad.  Well its fun(ny) and I make people laugh but when the glimpses of the night before come flooding back I want to crawl under a rock.  I thought about this because I read my fav blog today The Bloggess and laughed so hard I cried.  It was a post about search terms that lead people to her blog.  One stood out, okay well a few stood out.  You should read them, funny shit!  Anyway, one REALLY stood out, “Fuck off.  I’m fabulous.”  It stood out because I said something close to this the other day.  I mean I was totally joking, I think, but I said it none the less and then wondered if in my drink enhanced stupor I googled this and ended up on Jenny's blog. 

I don't even remember the context but I clearly recall, and by clearly I mean not clearly at all, someone teasing me and me being all giggly said "Oi, fuck off. I'm fabulous".   Which probably came out more like "oooooooooiiiiiiiii, frcusk uuff. I fablooos *fit of giggles*".   Either way, as suggested on her blog, I need this on a t-shirt because reasons. 

So I started wondering if I was internet-ing while incoherent-ish.  So I checked some of my social sites and yep I was!  Apparently, I was on a certain site that caters towards all things fan related.  Well it caters to other things but I use it for all things fan related.  And can I just say...I am FUNNY! 

Apparently I was having a WONDERFUL time slipping in Whovian jokes (among other nerdisms) and no one noticed cause they are not nearly as cool as me.  I'm like a bow tie (OMG am I still drunk?!?).  I know this because I was posting about it online thinking I was hilarious!

At some point, while discussing the lengths my friend will go to in order to continue looking young, I said "By the time its said and done all that's left of you will be a bitchy trampoline".  She laughed her ass off but had no clue what I was referencing.  I'm actually more surprised I didn't slip in a "moisturize me" joke.  Then my husband was playing the part of the only one who could get our nephew to stop yah yah-ing.  Others said "he is the baby whisperer" to which I  replied "oh he speaks baby...didn't you know? You are all peasants".  Come on....that's funny!  I vaguely remember saying these.  One I don't recall completely but thankfully typed some of it out had to do with a complete stranger who was being an ass, I hate douchey people. They make me stabby.  Except when I'm drunk, in that case they make me...weeeeeeeeell just read on.  I have no idea how but I made a "hermit" reference and he said "whatever freak, you have friends" and I said it was our 5 year meeting to discuss caves (I am aware this is way off from the original quote but I can see where I was going with it).  I'm pretty sure at this point my husband dragged me away to drink a lot of water.  Also, my friend kept correcting me because I said I thought a lot of things were "Shiny" even if they weren't at all reflective (oh geez).  Then the kicker.  I wiped out!  My leg just stopped working all together and I have the bruised knee to prove it.  And I said something along the lines of "it's cool just a leg power nap, better stay here I heard the other one yawning".  It may not have even been that close to the original quote but it was close enough.  Truthfully, I think everyone thought I was on drugs at this point because unless you have seen the shows I was attempting to quote, I just sounded like an idiot.  There were more (this went on for a while) but these were my funniest moments.  And during all of this is where I am 99.9% certain I said "Oi, fuck off. I'm fabulous".  Which is where this random blog post got started. 

I know these are not exact quotes but give me a break I was on at least my 4th glass of wine and maybe some rum and minimal food.  I am impressed I managed to remember said references, semi-coherently say them and manage to post it on the internet. 

Of course throughout the next day I would randomly groan to myself.  Not because I was hungover (I was surprisingly okay) but because I am not usually that outspoken and feel like a goober.  Oh well, C'est la vie.