Why haven't we invented Transporters yet?? Teleporting...? A Vortex Manipulator...? Something that means I can travel without strangers...something that doesn't include me springing for a private jet.

Has anyone ever seen that Jimmy Kimmel skit with Sir Patrick Stewart playing the part of the annoying airline passenger?!?!?!  Because I remember watching it ages ago and I laughed my @$$ off!  Not only because its freaking hilarious but also because how can you NOT love Sir Patrick Stewart?!!??!

With that said, on my flight back home the other day I had all of those annoying characteristics and more in ONE passenger seated behind me.  I should mention it was a later flight...after 7PM and it had been delayed a bit before we boarded.

We were delayed longer because of weather and he b**ched constantly.  He wouldn't shut up about how we'd been "sitting in the plane for 30 minutes and weren't moving", blah blah blah.  Yea well I'd rather be sitting here than trying to take off in a mini hurricane, just saying! 

Then he wanted to talk to everyone around him.  "Hey, you ever been to New Orleans? It's a great place! I've been many many times.  Bourbon is the best. This one time..."  Meanwhile I am just trying to sink as low as I can in my seat and read my book so he'll stop including me in the one sided conversation.   I think he realized this because then he started SHAKING my seat trying to get my attention (what is your f**king problem?!?!). He had also stuck his arm between the seat and wall and kept tapping my shoulder.

We finally took off and he started f**king clapping and cheering and WHISTLING!  OMG STAHP!

The entire 1 1/2 hour flight his knee was in my back.  He was so slouched, his GD knee was WEDGED in my back.  Which isn't kicking but its a close second when it comes to annoying. 

Then...oh then, he opened his dinner.  Yea, I don't care usually when people eat on a plane BUT it was something...Greek or Cajun or Hot Wings or some mixture.  My point is the smell of Garlic and other things was almost nauseating in the tiny space.

He didn't climb over anyone to go pee BUT he did practically run everyone over trying to exit the plane.  I thought it was common knowledge that you wait until the people in front of you exit???  He wasn't a small guy either...he was built like a f**king linebacker. 

Below is the video from Kimmel Live, so fitting

But you see my adventure didn't end there.  The part I left out...that ISN'T in the video is the absolutely DISGUSTING part.  Mid-Flight I kept hearing him clear his throat, like obnoxiously *aheeming* and *back sniffling*...I figured whatever smelly thing he was eating had spice or something.  Then it happened.  He f**king sneezed!  I am not talking about a normal "ahchoo".  I am talking full on DAD sneeze.

He didn't even try to cover his mouth/nose.  It was so forceful that even though there was a f**king seat back behind me my hair blew forward!  And...oh god it gets worse...and I didn't have my sweater on like I usually do and my arm that was near the window was suddenly moist and there were a few droplets on the page I was reading.  I freaked.  Normally I'd not cause a scene and I didn't say anything to him but I did say something along the lines of "*ahhhh* that is disgusting!  Great now I am going to get the plague!".  I didn't scream it...I said it just loud enough to be heard.  He didn't even apologize or offer me a napkin...thankfully the flight attendant was right there and handed me a bunch of napkins and some hand sanitizer (THANK YOU SWEET BABY JESUS) which I rubbed on my arms and face and hands...basically all exposed skin.  This leads me to the present. You see, a few days after my flight, I started to feel funky *crap*.  I don't have the full blown Plague, I have more of a Plague Light.  Which still sucks but not quite as bad.  *fingers crossed* it doesn't decide it wants to be full blown Plague. 

With all this said, it reminded me of something I saw on imgur or tumblr or reddit...I dunno, one of them and I've been laughing so hard my sides hurt...or maybe its a new symptom of the Plague...who knows.

Lesson: "Humans very well may be the Klingons of the Universe"
(I didn't come up with that, Source). 

Sometimes I want to fake an accent so people don't know where I am from...is that weird???

That sounds terrible...and I really am proud of my heritage BUT when traveling in other countries it becomes PAINFULLY obvious that I am not the norm for Americans.  I am not exaggerating.  We were out of the country recently and were told more than once by Europeans and citizens of the country we visited that we did not seem American.  Not because of our look...because of our attitudes. 

While I am fully aware the rest of the world basically laughs at us (come on we are a nutty/spoiled bunch), I guess I didn't really grasp why.  And yes I know every country has its crazies or rude people or @$$holes but I am not really talking about that.  Our citizens are just different and I am fairly different from many of my fellow citizens.  For instance, I have zero desire to go bankrupt buying designer things or live in a over-sized house, in a neighborhood I can't afford or have a car I can't make payments for without cutting back on things like food...I think you get the picture.  I always felt like I was weird because this stuff didn't matter to me but now I am realizing I am better for it.  And I don't mean people that can afford it...I mean people like me who live semi-comfortably but probably shouldn't blow $600 on a f**king purse when they aren't able to buy necessities...can you eat that purse? No.  That material stuff doesn't matter to me, it doesn't tell me you are of higher stature...it tells me you don't understand the value of money.  I'd rather spend my extra money and time, traveling the world but that is just me...more power to you if that material item gives you the joy and memories I have from visiting other countries.  I am not being a travel "snob".  I've had friends & family ask how we can afford to travel so much...they WANT to travel but they can't think beyond the purchase of (insert unnecessary EXPENSIVE item). 

Moving on, why do I say this...because when I travel outside the US and see Americans who do manage to travel, I cringe.  It is clear many have zero appreciation for other cultures and expect everyone to bend to their needs and wants.  "I am important because I am me", um no...you aren't really that important, you are just another person in a sea of people.  Yea they may travel there because it is "exotic" but they don't attempt to learn, understand, or respect these places.  It isn't all of us, obviously, but it is a frightening majority.  When I go to a foreign country, I want to be a part of it.  I learn key phrases in their language or learn their terminology (we all know words mean different things in other English speaking countries, WTF is a nappy?!?! I know now but I had to look it up).  It just hurts my head when I see others from my nation being disrespectful to locals (or other guests) because of a language barrier.  Sorry honey, you are in THEIR country...they may not know English well but at least they are trying.  I don't hear you trying to speak in their language.  Or b**ching because they don't have some American food/drink.  Who cares?!?! You are in a foreign country...try something new!  My favorite was "you know you talk funny right?!?" said to a British person in a immensely disrespectful way.  Yea well you "talk funny" to them also and that's not even proper English!!! Just saying!  Stop being a tw@t! 

Side note - control your spawn...no one wants to hear lil Johnny screaming his brains out (at the infantile age of 10) because the resort has Pepsi and not Coke and then hearing you yell at him to shut up, arguing with him instead of putting your foot down and then giving in and saying you'll buy the f**king $2.50 small BOTTLED Coke in the gift shop that isn't part of the all inclusive you clearly spent A LOT of money on.  Give him a water, its better for him anyway. 

My point is I've noticed I can scan a room of hundreds of people and pick out the Americans mostly because they are the ones being ignorant and rude.  Not all...for instance, there was this older retired couple who were just adorable and friendly and kind, we want to be like them when we grow up!  Clearly there are others like us but we seem to be few and far between.  At least where I was recently those rude/ignorant are the types of Americans we saw...  Which is probably why when making friends with a British couple they were shocked when we spoke because we didn't act like the other @$$es at the resort. 

Side Side Note - I've been told in my miniscule travels that the locals appreciate it when you attempt to communicate in their language.  It might not be perfect but it's a show of respect...something many in our country seem to be lacking these days. 

Death by c**k

Its not...its not what you think.  But is effing hilarious!!!!

So I was driving through God's country not too long ago and I realized how much of a city girl I am.  I like camping and such but I think I got some nature in my eye and I may need a spa day.

Like I said driving in no mans land LA for work and I decided to take a detour.  I swear I had good reasons.  But logically I should have stayed on the Interstate instead of following my Google Maps App saying to take this pitted two lane highway through small towns I've never heard of.  I'm talking population 50...if you count the livestock kind of towns. 

The speed limit signs were no where to be seen...yet I saw a plethora of small town coppers just a waiting to give out tickets.  It was the most panicked hour drive I have ever been on.  I had no idea if I should be going 60 MPH or 30 MPH or somewhere in the middle.  At one point I spotted a sign that did say 55 MPH and I was going 45 so I sped up, then 5 miles later it was 35 *slamming brakes* WTH man?!?!!  I hate you small town U.S.A!!!!  I had 18 wheelers and old ladies passing me and flipping me off but like hell I was getting a speeding ticket in one of these little towns!

Anyways, I got to this smallish town that most peeps in LA have heard of because of its Mardi Gras shenanigans that involves chickens.  I hadn't eaten all day and it was like 2:00 PM.  So I pulled off the highway towards a gas station to get a coke and chill for a second. The speed limit only dropped to 45 MPH, whoohoo!  Then something ran (or casually walked) into the road.  I hit the brakes cursing.  It was a f**king chicken...crossing the road... *sigh*.   I decided to text my BFF...the below happened and it was EPIC at least in my head.

Me: I almost hit a chicken crossing the road...

Me:  There's a joke in there somewhere...
Her: LOL! So I take it you're enjoying the drive
Me: I stand corrected it was actually a rooster (the damn thing just looked at me a cock a doodle doo-ed its little brains out....)
Me: OMG I could have died.........death by c**k lol!!!

Her: O.M.G.

Me: Talk about FOWL play
Me: Oh God someone stop me...I think I need food!

Her: No, please don't stop LOL!!!!!!!!!

In conclusion, I am f**king hilarious when my blood sugar is low!