Hello Clarice...*stfeep stfeeep ftfeeep*

Maybe I need to change my diet because these are getting out of control. 

Buckle up it's long....

I'm walking into a small but very well lit bar.  There was one bartender.  He was cleaning a glass (how movie-esque).  He looked at me and said "what the f**k is she doing here?!" 

That's when I noticed I walked in with someone.  It was an older man but not old.  He was very...mafia looking.  But he was fit not fat, and nice looking.  He said "she is my assistant.  Where I go, she goes!" The bartender threw a glass and said "I don't need another f**king chick to babysit".  

Um Excuse...?!  I glared at him but he was cleaning up the mess.  I mean what the hell is his problem?!? All I noticed was he was tall, fit-ish, and dirty blonde hair and very grumpy. A lady came down the stairs, wait...stairs...?  Now I am in a house...a HUGE house not a bar.  But the small bar with tender is still there.  The bar is beveled glass and lit up blue (classy).  Moving on, the lady.  She ran over to me...well as best she could in ridiculous heels...and gave me a tight hug. 

She was the boss' wife and apparently the other "chick" the bartender was talking about.  

I don't recall much but I know I was doing a lot with money and books.  I went everywhere with the boss or his wife.   The bartender warmed up to me a little but was still quite an @$$.  We fought ALL THE TIME.  He clearly didn't like me. 

I know I talked to the boss about some weird transactions that concerned me.  He told me its business. Okay....  It jumps and I see a hidden safe with, are those thumb drives...? And documents...and stacks of money...?!?  

The wife and I were "friends" but I didn't trust her.  Something was off.  

I am arguing with my new nemesis when the front door explodes into splinters.  I hit the ground hard and there is a weight on top of me.  I hear yelling and chaos.  My eyes are watering and I'm coughing (is that tear gas?!?). My frenemy is on top of me.  He's yelling "don't f**king touch her.  She doesn't know anything.  She's just a nanny!"  What...?  

I am yanked roughly to my feet with my hands bound behind me.  My boss is being led out in cuffs, the bartender is in cuffs, I AM IN CUFFS, but the wife is not.  She is talking to an FBI agent *WTAF?!?!?!* 

I'm in a sleazy hotel with some agents, bossman, bartender, and another person.  We are now tasked with getting my boss safely to the airport to testify.  He's in cuffs and a bullet proof vest and is terrified.  He said someone on the inside is selling info to dirty cops/agents and he is the sole witness. 

We are walking to a decked out Jeep.  The bartender is trying to keep me from going.  He is insistent it's too dangerous. I said, "Sorry dude, I part of this now, I HAVE TO GO, besides what does it matter to you?!?!" He grabbed me roughly by the arm and bent down in my face, "Because I F**KING CARE about you!"...."oh".

We pile into the jeep.  That other guy is driving, he's very italian and a bit heavy, boss man in the passenger seat, me and bartender in the back.  I tried to scootch all the way over but am grabbed and belted into the middle seat, "yo WTF?!?". He sits next to me and puts an arm around me *ummmmm*. 

I'm in a suit (WTH).  It's super uncomfortable.  I am really nervous.  Bartender is holding me tight and whispering something in my ear.  I don't know what but I teared up and shivered. I leaned in closer to him. We are making our way to the airport when we are forced off the road by two black SUVs.  Everyone is panicking.  The agents aren't responding on the radio.  We are under an overpass in gravel. Everyone in the car is yelling and not listening to me.  Bullets are pinging off the outside of the jeep (is it bulletproof?!).

I grabbed a remote looking thing from my purse and smash the button.  Fireworks go off outside and the assailants seek shelter.  I cold cock the driver in the face and scream for everyone to get the f**k out.  As we are running towards a fence bartender is like "WTF?!?"  Someone is shooting at us.  I pull a glock out of my waistband (what is happening?!), turn around and open fire on the jeep.  I hear the driver yelling, "you double crossing b**ch!"  One bullet hits home and a tire explodes knocking him over.  

We are in a cabin.  It's just me, bossman, and bartender.  I am trying to secure the place.  They are freaking out and looking at me like I grew a second head.  I finally introduce myself as a special agent.  I was undercover as his assistant but realized the corruption at the FBI and flipped.  I am pinned against a wall with a very angry bartender in my face.  I kick him in the baby bags and pin him with an arm behind his back.  

I say to my boss "your wife is in bed with the corrupt agents.  I didn't know who I could trust anymore.  We are laying low until my contact gives the all clear".  Bossman is freaking about the collapse of his empire.  I release my bartender and open the hidden safe (AH HA!).  I realized what the wife was up to and collected evidence on her, the corrupt agents, and stashed lots of cash.  I transferred the businesses out of their names and made him the primary owner with me as an advisor (just in case, *shrug*).  

My boss is giving me the most ridiculous bear hug but the bartender is still pissed.  "ow ow ow".  I was shot.  I had a vest on so mainly bruised ribs but I had a hole in my bicep (OW!).  He says give the bartender some time to process.  

I had the suit jacket and vest off and the white button up half off trying to clean my arm.  Its bleeding a good bit and is very painful.  Someone is yelling, grabbing my hand. "Don't do that! Are you stupid?!? Do you even know what you are doing?!  You probably need stitches!".  My bartender... he's still pissed and red from the neck up. He looks like he's already showered. He gently takes my arm and begins to clean it.  "Mother F**ker!!!".  He glares at me.  Dude what...it hurts!  

He numbs it a little with whatever I had in a kit and stitches my arm.  Mind you I can still 100% feel this and it doesn't feel great. Bossman comes to check on me and smiles.  No no no, don't do that sir.  He winks and walks out. Oh come on!  Once he's done, I say I need a shower.  

Before I can walk away he rests his forehead against mine and says "You could have told me".

I start to look up..... and gasp for air.

Suddenly I can't breathe. WTF?!?!  I jolt awake to a cat...ON MY FACE!

Sometimes I don't fit in...and that's OKAY!

I am not here to debate gun control.  But you cannot deny those types of shows attract a certain...type of people....

So I went to a "Weapons" show.  Not because I needed anything but because I was asked to please go.  Now I had something else to do after so I was WAY over dressed for this.  I felt like some kind of Malibu Barbie walking in all made up.  

Everyone was in camo, anti Biden, pro Trump, anti government, anti wife, misogynistic, attire.  I am not exaggerating.  Soooo many signs saying "don't worry what your wife will say, buy the gun".  Ha ha.  Okay *rolling eyes*.  

Now I am not trying to say I am like some blonde goddess or something but I'm cute.  I have never had so many people just open mouth stare at me.  Like blatantly stare.  I mean clearly out of place and overdressed but at least try to not STARE.  It was making me uncomfortable!  Anyways what pissed me off was how irresponsible people were. 

1. COVID is still a thing people.  Delta Variant is happening. Can we try and not spread it?  Based on the attire and attitude I am guessing most people here were not vaccinated.  I was masked up because people be gross yo.  But not many other people were and although I gots the shot, I am not taking any chances. 

2.  I watched a women COUGH LOUDLY into her hands, then pick up a handgun and hand it to a customer to look at

3. Everytime I passed one of those "self defense" booths MEN would zap a taser near me  One time I about jumped out of my skin he said "see you need one.  and look it's a nice girly purple!".  'scuse you!

4. I was looking at some pocket knives for when I go fishing and was told more than once "you don't want that one, you could hurt yourself.  Here look at this pretty pink one".  Oh you can just f**k off, sale lost. 

5. Did I mention the taser zapping people?!?!?!  Another guy did it, tried to hand me the taser, then said "I could have gotten you and you wouldn't have known what happened"  Then zapped it again. WTAF man?!?!  I'm going to zap you in the balls if you do that again!

6.  CHILDREN!  I have no issues with kids learning about things and safety and stuff.  But I watched a woman looking at a bracelet on a table while her 4 year old was standing there waving a dagger she had picked up.  I stammered out some sort of "Ummmm, she has a knife" and mom freaked a little and took it away.   

            A. In that same vein, I saw another very young child pick up a glock and point it at me, then start                     giggling.  Now I know NOTHING is loaded but that is 100% not cool!!!!!    

I've been to shows before and have no issues with weapons but this one was...it was weird.  It felt...it just didn't feel right.  It was concerning...

Kiss the girls with a dash of stockholm

I really do have vivid dreams sometimes....

The first thing I remember is waking up in a dingy, but bright luxury hotel room.  I feel woozy and can't focus on much but I remember lots of white decor and red roses in a vase.  My arms hurt and I am really really thirsty.  I hear a man's voice to my left but can't understand him.  As my brain tries to make sense of what is happening, I hear the voice again. "Aye lass, you finally joining the land of the living?" in a thick Scottish accent.  

Adrenaline shot through me and I realize my arms were tied above my head, I am on a bed, and am lacking much clothing so I'm very cold. I started to struggle but every movement caused a searing pain in my shoulders. *how long have I been tied up?!?* "Oi quit squirmin or ya may pop a shoulder".

I tried to relax but I was freaking out.  When I tried to talk my throat was on fire and I winced.  "That's whatcha get fer scremin lik a banshee".  I squeezed my eyes shut *This can't be happening*.  

I am in a bath washing off.  It hurts to move and the soap burns my cuts & scrapes, but I feel so unclean.  I was crying but not vocalizing.  I had a knot on the back of my head and a busted lip.  My eyes still can't focus well, but I know the tiles in the bathroom are turquoise. *what happened?!?*

My captor(?) comes in with a towel and says I've been in there long enough.  As I stood to get out the world went sideways and I started to fall.  He caught me before I hit anything, "Dun do that, now! Yer no gud to me dead." *What....?*

Its days(?) later and we are arguing.  He's yelling at me and calling me a "Numpty".  I'm yelling back, we need something other than Ramen Noodles and crisps!!! He's in my face and I finally register his look somewhat but still not clear.  I just can't see his features.  I know he's older, like later 50's maybe, gray/white hair cut short-ish, and he's tall...VERY tall. He finally concedes and leaves me locked in the room.  It's a gorgeous room but its a mess and seems small but not like a back highway motel.  

We are having dinner many days(?) later and its nice *wtf*.  We are eating on the floor from paper plates but its a steak dinner with wine.  Well I had wine he had something whiskey-esque...? His accent got thicker as he drank and he threatened me physically and verbally numerous times, grabbing my wrist roughly and shoving me while calling me all kinds of unsavory things.  He was passed out in a chair and I went to the bathroom to put on clothes that weren't Sexy Jammies so that I could escape.  I had the keys in my hand and was ready to steal his van.  But as I was about to leave I heard a voice scream in my head "Don't!!! He's not far gone enough and he will kill you."

Conflicted, I put the keys down and wandered over to him.  He grabbed my neck clumsily and asked why I put trousers on.  I croaked out I was cold and he threw me into a wall saying "Ye fecking c**t, yer lucky, damn lucky." and left. 

He's hurt, really really hurt and bleeding.  I don't know what happened but I'm...worried *WTF*.  He was struggling to dress his seeping wounds.  I started helping.  He screamed at me to "feck off" and I yelled back at him to shut up! So he let me take care of him.  After cleaning and dressing his more serious wounds, I was cleaning a gash on his forehead, he angrily asked me why I didn't let him just f**king die.  I couldn't answer because I should just let him bleed to death. "I....I don't know."

And that's when he gently touched my face *what?!?*. I could feel him staring at me. I was trying to really focus on the gash and not his piercing gaze. Once I had the butterfly suture things on and bandaged I sat back and realized he was still staring at me.  He seemed conflicted...scared and confused, like no one had ever shown him compassion before. 

We are lying facing each other in the bed, holding hands. We are clothed and he's still staring and caressing my hair. He kissed me gently on the lips. *gasp* Then on the forehead. "Oh love, I am so so sorry."

That's it....it ended....I woke up to crashing thunder and no power....

The * are my thoughts, not said out loud. Please forgive my weird "Scottish" typing...I'm sure its not accurate but the best I can figure. I think he was conjured from a character in a book I'm reading, although that character isn't a bi-polar abductor just an old angry Scotsman. 

Do you wanna know how I got these scars?

So obvi I love animals.  That much is VERY clear.  But sometimes I still want to punt @$$hole animals into traffic.  I would never do that but geeze do they push my buttons!

So not my cat loves to run off anything alive that tries to invade "her" territory. 

She's always there lurking out of sight and comes running when she thinks she is needed.  The ONE TIME she wasn't lurking nearby....I actually needed her!!!

I was in my front yard...minding my own business when some cat with a $hit attitude decided to pick a fight.  I am not scared of cats so my initial reaction wasn't fear but within a split second I realized "this mother f**ker about to attack me".

He/she hesitated but not enough.  They got near my face but I was already swinging my arm to block so I slapped the $hit out of it and it ran off.  In my shock I wasn't really sure what the f**k happened.  

I felt my nose running so I wiped it and saw blood.  Immediately my brain caught up and the pain shot through my nerves.  I ran inside only to see my face GUSHING blood.  

I tried to rinse it off but the blood kept coming.  I basically tried to drown myself in peroxide because at this point every scenario of stray cat issues was streaming through my mind. 

I called a nurse friend as I tried to staunch the flow.  She gave me some advice...because I live in the US and no matter what your political views are you have to admit our healthcare system is F**CKED UP!  So rather than spend $1,000+ at the ER/Urgent Care, I got basically the same care/advice from her, as long as the bleeding stopped and it didn't swell/get red. 

After scrubbing my wounds, stopping the bleeding, and putting treatment on them I got back to work 

Thankfully with my nurse's advice and constant attention, no infection and minimal scarring.   

I've not seen psycho kitty since but not my cat has been around.  And I tell her everytime I see her, where were you when I needed you!?!?!  I was attacked!!!!  And she purrs and demands scritches.  Dammit cat, if you are going to hang around at least be useful!

Waterboarding with Hand Sanitizer

Being the good fur momma I am, I make sure to get the babies their annuals.  Since I had some free time, I took Speedy to get poked and probed.  

I promised lots of love and treats after and he was such a good boy.  He wasn't barking at other dogs and he laid very patiently by my feet in the waiting room.  We were finally called into the room and ready for the doc.  

Since COVID they are not doing any of the work in the exam room, so he was promptly taken to the back.  

Let me clarify that this is far from him 1st vet visit and he has NEVER had issues in the past. 

About 5 min later the Vet came in looking concerned.  She said "when the tech touched his foot to trim his nails, he started flinging his body all over".  

Dr: Was he nervous in the waiting room?

Me: No...he was laying by my feet...

Dr: Did he get anxious when you came into the room...?

Me: No he was licking the Tech and being a big goober.

Dr: Hmmmm well he's...he's not being aggressive but he's kind of freaking out and I really am concerned he's going to hurt himself or head butt one of us....

Me: Oh no, I don't want him or y'all injured!  Maybe I can try calming him down.

Dr: Sorry....I can't bc of the protocols. 

Me: *blank stare* Ok...I understand...so now what...wait did you say he freaked when she touched his foot...?

Dr: Yes......?

Me: OMG...like 7 months ago he sprained his foot and we brought him in to make sure it wasn't broken....I guess he remembers.  

Dr: o_O Okay... well I guess the next step is he needs to be sedated...but not now.  He's too hyped up.  

So she left to get the pills and I get to bring him back....Yay *plfeet*

But that's not where this story ends.  

The tech brings him back in looking like she went through a tornado. *$hit*.  She hands the leash over and immediately I am slapped in the face with the most VILE smell you can imagine.  I actually gagged. 

Me: OMG you popped your butt!

Tech: Yea....its all over me

Me: OMG OMG I am so sorry!!!  

Tech:  It shot out like a cannon.  

Then she shrugged and left. *facepalm*

So there I am...in a TINY exam room...with a giant lap dog who just expressed his anal glands wagging his tail.  

I did my best to clean him off but my supplies were limited and I was gagging with watering eyes, like full gagging and normally I have a pretty strong stomach. 

The smell.  God the smell.  It's burned into my nostrils. It wasn't the normal fishy metallic smell.  Its was PUTRID.  Like something f**king died times a million.  But I couldn't leave because I needed the pills from the Doc.  She finally came back and was like "Whoa, buddy you are really traumatized". She's trying not to gag.  I have my tee over my face and he's just happy as a clam, trying to give the vet kisses (yo WTF Dog?!?!).

As I was paying, the smell was wafting into the reception area like some invisible toxic fog (F**k me).  Other pet owners are coughing but trying not to visibly react. I swear I saw eyes watering (Jesus Magee dog what came out of you?!?!).  The tech checking me out was like "oh he expressed them didn't he." Yes...Sorry!!!! She's like "no worries...I'm sorry...you have to ride home with him" (Double F**k me!!!).

So we get into my tiny car to head home.  I have the windows down.  The air on full blast but its so strong.  Like I am going to vomit any second strong.  So I improvised.  I found my handy dandy mask and I sprayed it with fruity hand sanitizer which seemed to help-ish.  

So there I am looking like a f**king psycho driving alone in my car with a mask on and the windows down. 

Oh and every few minutes I did my best impersonation of the War Boys spraying my mask with sanitizer to burn the smell from my nostrils.  

I got home, threw him in the yard, pulled the sheets out of my car & febreezed it, left the windows down, bathed his hind quarters thoroughly, stripped down nekkid in the garage, and took the hottest shower I could stand.  

Its DAYS later and I swear I can still smell it *gag*.