I am surrounded by negativity...this cannot be good for my health

I just cannot get away from it lately.  I am a positive person most days.  I mean we all have down in the dumps days but I try to stay positive. 

I've always heard that if you surround yourself with positivity or negativity it will bleed into your life.  I never really used to hold any truth to that but now I am not so sure.  I find that the more upbeat and happy I try to be the more people try to bring me down.  Not everyone in my life, like my close friends for example are extremely positive and supportive.  This also goes for some of my family...notice I said SOME. 

Then there are those persons that just never say anything positive.  Examples:

Me:  Hey, how's your day? *big smile*. 
Others: Well I barely got any sleep last night because I had "tummy" problems.  So I am exhausted.  I spent the night in the bathroom.  I think it was the *insert not so healthy food*.  *insert lots of talk about gas*. 
Me: Maybe you shouldn't eat....*death glare from other person* never mind. 

Me:  Good morning!
Others: I wish my dog was still alive.  He really kept me company. 
Me: So not a good morning

Me: Hey :)
Others: Did you hear so and so died?  All my friends are dying.  I could die.  *sigh*  Oh and _____ has terminal _______. 
Me: I, uh, wow...sorry. 

Me:  Soooo how ya been??? 
Others: Did you know my house is falling apart?  He left me in this house, its all his fault.
Me: *face palm*

Me: Hi, hey hey!
Others: This country is going down the shitter.  This president is ______.  The youth of today just don't understand how to survive.   By the time you have kids we will be in another depression, I hope I am dead.
Me:  Ummmm, sooooo....

I know its not that bad but this is ALL the time.  Mind you the dog passed 2 years ago and the "he" left 28 years ago... I try to be supportive but I just can't deal sometimes.  Me *happy, yay* them *doom, gloom*  Honestly it makes me not want say anything anymore. 

I feel like I am in that scene from Robin Hood: Men in Tights:

Robin Hood: Blinkin, listen to me. They've taken the castle!
Blinkin: I thought it felt a bit drafty. Cor, this never would have happened if your father was alive.
Robin Hood: He's dead?
Blinkin: Yes...
Robin Hood: And my mother?
Blinkin: She died of pneumonia while...
[Remembers]
Blinkin: Oh, you were away!
Robin Hood: My brothers?
Blinkin: There were all killed by the plague.
Robin Hood: My dog, Pongo?
Blinkin: Run over by a carriage.
Robin Hood: My goldfish, Goldie?
Blinkin: Eaten by the cat.
Robin Hood: [on the verge of tears] My cat?
Blinkin: Choked on the goldfish.
[pause]
Blinkin: Oh, it's good to be home, ain't it, Master Robin?


I think my favorite is when I talk about babies.  Peeps are all yay, you want kinds.  *immediately goes into story about their experience*.  Which happens to be kind of awful most of the time.  I mean I am trying to get pregnant and people are telling me how hard it is, how everyone has a touch of endometriosis which can cause problems, how many miscarriages they had, how I am "older", how if we've been trying for more than ____ months there is a problem, how we are clearly infertile because it hasn't happened yet, etc, etc, etc.  I am assuming you mean well (I guess) but these are NOT what you should be telling someone who wants to get pregnant!  You should be spouting positive things not the realm of impossibilities.  Leave those diagnoses to DOCTORS! 

But these negative things are starting to affect me.  I find myself being VERY negative about the possibility of  a little one. Like I have somewhat convinced myself that something is seriously wrong with my lady parts so I shouldn't expect to have a wee wittle one.  That is sad.  It is.  I should not feel this way!  But when it is beat into your head ALL THE TIME from well meaning people then you start to believe it.  I get it...making a baby isn't easy but you could at least try to say something that wont send me into a fit of anxious tears as soon as I am alone.  Also the constant barrage of "yo, why aren't you preggo yet???" isn't helping.  I don't know.  It is not for lack of trying!  I don't mind being asked that is fine but when the same people ask over and over and over.  I am like dude, working on it! That is a pet peeve.  If you know someone who is "trying" do not keep asking them if they are...just wait.  They told you they are trying...reminding them EVERY TIME you see them that they still aren't with child can be annoying. 

I guess I am just tired of people trying to dull my sparkle.  Its like the darkness in them sees how bright my light is shining and is determined to drown it into inky blackness.  STAHP! I like being bright and lighthearted but it is becoming harder and harder to be that way.  I've always been told misery loves company, I guess I never realized how true those words were.  *sigh* I only wish those that are so miserable weren't persons I have to be around regularly. 

Alyssa Lies - A Song

Why...just why would you write a song about this?!?!  I had my Pandora on shuffle and didn't realize after jamming to "We Danced Anyway" I would be sobbing at my desk!  Look, I love me some country music but this song I just heard ripped my heart out, roasted it on an open flame, threw on some salt and put it back in!!!

I thought it was a song about how a kids BFF tells lies.  You know, kids learning not everyone is nice and then...and then I listened to the lyrics and OMG...just instant tears.  I may be a bit emotional today but good lord!  "Daddy, Alyssa Lies", stahp...I need a tissue. 

I may or may not have just really pissed off a family member

And ya know...I wasn't trying to be an ass its just the opportunity presented itself and I...I couldn't contain myself.

See here is where my sarcasm can go one of two ways.  Either someone will laugh hysterically or I get a phone call from the patriarch telling me I made so and so cry or sad or whatever.  But in my defense sarcasm is a way I deal with things that make me uncomfortable which can make others uncomfortable.  My bad, yo.

FM: Do you remember ________ from grammar school?
Me: Of course...why?
FM:  Their mom died last week (insert rest of facts about her life and funeral service)
Me: Oh that's sad.

**Side Note: I am not sure what else I could have said here.  I haven't seen this person since I was in 3rd grade-ish.  I remember them but I no longer know them or their family.**

FM: Their father is dead too.  And she was an only child and her parents are dead.

**apparently the proper response was "oh how tragic"...or something like that...but this is me so I didn't say that**

Me: Well aren't you a ball of sunshine today...  "Hello dear, your friend from grammar school lost their mom.  Oh and most of their family is deceased. Have a great day!".   All joking aside, that is sad but I am sure they'll be okay. (see I am being positive)

FM: (paraphrasing because the rant is way too long) *spitting nails* *laced with venom* *pissed off sounding* I'm sorry but those are the facts.  Things like that never used to bother you.  What you said made you sound like that "other side" of the family.  *sniff* No hard feelings just had to let you know what you sounded like.  Life will go on. 

Me:*thinking* "wait was that supposed to be an insult?"

FM: *insert random conversation laced with bitter undertones* 

Me: *moving on...cautiously*

I know...I know being sarcastic probably was not "nice" but I mean come on.  That was like the ultimate Debbie Downer conversation.  "Hi dear, everyone is dead!"  I don't really know these people...I don't need to know the details of the tragic story...I said that's sad, that should have been the end of it.  If it was someone closer to me that would have been totally different.

But this side of my family has a weird fascination with death while the other side is more about life.  Seriously, every time I talk to most of them (not all) I hear all about who died recently or who is sick or how they may die soon or just negative, negative, negative stuff.  Most times it is about people I barely know.  Of course if a Great Aunt or cousin is ill I want to know but your 3rd cousin twice removed's maid's granddaughter is not really a concern of mine.  Or that neighbor I've never met but you always talk badly about's brother is in the hospital and wants to die...um I'm sorry...? I swear the last time I talked to the family member from above they said "this is going to put me in an early grave. Maybe then they would realize what it's doing to me".  How do you respond to that?!?!?!  And it was about something totally insignificant, something that can be rectified easily but rather than fix it, I hear that.   Look, I prefer to be positive and surround myself with that so when unnecessary negativity is thrown at me I tend to get all silly and the above example happens.  I am not in denial I know we all have an expiration date but I'd rather think about the good stuff now and in the past and what is yet to come. Not have doom looming over me at every turn. 

Oh and saying I sounded like the "other side" of the family does not make me angry.  I am proud to say I am sarcastic lil shit thanks to that "other side" of the family.  That's where much of my laid back attitude, independence, positive outlook on life and silly sarcasm come from. 

OMG people...just people...just PEOPLE!

1.  Do not call me and then put me on hold.  What the hell?!?!?!  If you don't have time to talk to me then call me later!  I am not just sitting here waiting for you to call me.  I have many other things I do besides talk to you on the phone about nothing of importance. 

2.  If you call me 18 times in a row bouncing between my office line and cell phone something better be dead, dying or on fire! And when I answer...do NOT put me on hold!!!  Leave a flipping voicemail for God's sake.  If all you need *insert simple request you can do yourself but refuse to do* is a simple a voicemail will suffice.  Especially if I've already talked to you three times in the last 2 days about similar requests.  You do NOT need to hear my voice, you do not need to talk to me...you do not need to keep freaking calling!!!!!

3.  READ YOUR EMAIL before replying to me.  Seriously I didn't write 10 lines of DETAILED instructions for you to do something half a$$ and then email me back saying it didn't work! Of course it didn't work ya jacka$$.  Follow directions!!! Isn't that one of the 1st things we learn in school?!?  Read ALL of the directions first, then attempt to do *Blank*, then and only then should you ask questions!!!!!!!


Rant over, going back to my lunch! *twitch, twitch*

Let it goooooooooooooooooooooooooooo!

I feel like I need to be singing this to quite a few people these days.  Look no one likes to be wrong but I will fully admit "yo, my bad" if I make a mistake.  But for the love of...*argh*...stop harping on it. 

What REALLY annoys me is when people harp on something that wasn't even your mistake but somehow you got blamed for it.  Rather than be an ass and correct them all the time I just laugh and go haha, uh huh, okay *big cheesy smile*.  But if it has been over a year and you are still bent out of shape because of it and using humor to cover your apparent irritation, YOU have a problem!

It wasn't even my mess up.  It was a miscommunication between internal operations at their company.  Basically they (more than one person) took something I said and misconstrued it and then got fussed because of the mistake.  The 1st time it was mentioned was in a meeting with 7 people!!! And it was about 4 months after it happened.  *completely blindsided* I didn't even know there was a situation. Now they keep reminding me (and my boss and their boss) about it.  Like all jokey and funny but it is not funny.   Every time it is mentioned my boss is like, wow they are still holding on to that.  And I always re-explain that I didn't say that!  I was either misquoted or misunderstood but I did NOT say that.  My boss thankfully laughs and says I know.  But these other people that hear this stupid jibe don't know me and don't know the situation so they may think, "wow, this chick really messed up".  When they need something, they wont call me but call my boss.  Which then irritates my boss because I am supposed to be their go to contact.  I should be the 1st call and then if it needs to go higher it does.  How am I supposed to gain their confidence if they think I will eff it up from the get go?!?!? 

And the lack of confidence is based on something that 1.) happened over a year ago and 2.) wasn't entirely my mistake! Sooooo frustrating!!!

More than likely this person isn't doing it to be mean necessarily.  Honestly, if they knew how bad they are making me look I think they would stop but I really think they think they are being "cute" or "flirty" or "funny" by teasing me.  I just don't know how to address it and not look like a douche nozzle.  *le sigh*

Humans will be conquered

And not by aliens.  Weeeeeeeeell unless cats & dogs are in fact alien species hiding out in plain sight then by aliens, otherwise no not aliens. 

I know everyone says they have smart animals. Okay not everyone, I, for example, had a dog that was dumb as nails but he was a such sweetie!  I feel like that's the animal equivalent of he's not very attractive be he has a nice personality.  Moving on, my animals are all way too smart for their own good.  I can see them thinking...problem solving...and sometimes it is a bit unnerving. 

Example 1:  Old man.  He figured out the trash can.  We have a stainless steel square can with a foot pedal to open the lid.  The lid closes slowly.  He watched us and then decided when we weren't looking he could see what goodies he could find in the trash.  As in step on pedal, stick head in can and voila midday snack.  

Example 2:  Convict.  He figured out that if he pushes hard enough he can popped the pan out of his kennel.  Then he can rock the kennel back and forth until it is on its side.  The bottom openings are much larger (big squares).  He can squeeze through those.  And voila he is free to sleep on the furniture and shred whatever he can find. 

Example 3: Princess (older cat).  She likes to watch TV.  If she's really interested she walks up to the TV and sits right in front of it watching whatever is on.  Her fav shows are animal shows and soccer.  This isn't that impressive.  What is impressive is she can turn on the TV.  A few times we thought we just left it on.  But now we are 99.9% sure its her.  Sometimes its just the TV on and not the cable box but lately its both so when we come in from work whatever channel we were watching the night before is on.  It also happens in the bedroom now so I started putting the remote in a drawer when I get up.  Since I started doing that the TV hasn't been on.  It is not everyday but its more often lately so either our house is haunted and the ghost likes cartoon network/comedy central OR Princess likes to watch her some TV during the day. 

Example 4: Demon spawn (kitten).  I've noticed since she has been home with us that she likes the electronics.  She loves my iPad and iPhone.  I think it is because they are touch screen because she thoroughly ignores my laptop.  When I am reading on my iPad she swipes the screen (I guess imitating me) and moves the page.  I swipe it back and she does it again.  Or if I'm reading a webpage and am scrolling and swipes in the other direction so I lose my place.  It is a game.  She doesn't understand what she is doing (or so I thought). The other day she showed me she is smarter than I realized.  My phone alarm went off but before I was fully awake it stopped.  "huh, what tha?!?"  I opened my eyes and demon is next to my head.  I thought surely I snoozed in my sleep.  It went off again and I watched her stare at the phone screen for a second, tilt her head to the side and then touch it with her paw, effectively snoozing my alarm.  Uh oh...

OMG, its like planet of the apes with cats and dogs...if y'all don't hear form me for a few days my animals have taken over, they've kenneled me and I am eating crunchy food from a bowl while wearing a cone of shame. 

I'm a time traveler!

Or the person at the radio station forgot to change the auto message that runs between songs. 

But I'd rather think I am a time traveler.  Oh oh maybe I was traveling and then had to forget but I got dropped off 5 days later or 3 days earlier than planned.  So now I'm all confused because when I woke up this morning I SWORE it was Monday (booooo Monday).  But as I was driving to work the radio station I was listening to said "Welcome to the Friday Free for All". 

I was still in the process of fully waking up.  I mean I was awake enough to drive and be alert but anything more cognitive than that...I think you get the idea.  I seriously thought I slept through the week OR I had one hell of an elaborate dream on Thursday night and I hadn't experienced the weekend just yet.  Which if the latter was the case then WHOOHOO!  It wasn't.  I changed the station and heard the regular Monday morning schtick on another morning show.  *le sigh*. 

Stupid radio DJ mussin up my morning.